What have I done today? I've been drawing a lot, I made two yarn mice; toys for cats... I also worked and went to see a psychiatrist. Complete waste of time to go to that psychiatrist since there's absolutely nothing she can do for me or enlighten me on.

Halloween Ariel, woohooo... Doodle in paint...

Anything else? Meh. Been annoyed with them turning off my water all the time. At least today they put up a note about it today.

Many thoughts have gone through my head today, but I'm too tired to whine...

G'night.

The social retard

I don't really understand how I can be so good and so retarded socially, yet so brilliant at the same time. I am really not the one who brags about being bright, because I'm so painfully aware of how limited and ridden with flaws I am. It doesn't matter how much I know, when it comes down to it, I am just spewing out random stuff, and never behave in a proper manner.

I never really know anything, and I am always guessing. With some self-confidence I'm pretty sure I'll perform very well and become a very intellectual and functionable person. But what I really need to do is learn how to stop the forced need to always entertain and please the people around me.

I'm thinking, that I really need to hide my resentment and how uncomfortable I am around people in general and that is why I have to do things to avert people's attention from me.

I don't know how to make people like me or think that I don't dislike them when I'm just being neutral. I don't want to push people away just because I can't always fake a smile. I always smile for others. I am a very happy and goofy person, but I'm also very neutral and calm. But because I never can get out my serious side unless I am alone, I'm feeling closed in and am being annoyed with myself.

I can agree to that I want to perform and be a bright person who can comprehend and micromanage my surroundings. I'm very stuck in sorting away behaviours I don't like like manipulating or drawing inconclusively based conclusions that I've become broken. I don't like to fool people, I want to be honest. But I naïvely thought I could just ignore those behaviours and shut them out and off. I never liked when people fooled me or tried to trick me. I was tricked into doing so many things. I always knew that it was bad, but I had no other friends, so I had to do what they told me otherwise, I'd be alone.

I think trying to not be alone has damaged me more than actually being alone would have done.

I regret building these protective walls around me. I really hate that I shut off my ability to see and interpret the surroundings. I'm always just guessing what's out there, and I'm so secluded I don't know what my options to guess about are. I don't know what people can do.

And I don't know anything. How can I still believe that I'm a strong, beautiful and intelligent being?

Maybe I should just listen to everyone that have no clue about what they're talking about... If I just learn to listen without feeling the need to correct everyone... It's not my responsibility, People can be embarrassed on their own for being so ignorant and stupid.

My issue is that I can't retract from human contact and interaction. I'm so much better off without anyone else, because then I can live in my own imaginary world where nobody can hurt me or annoy me.

I do realize how this sounds, but it's not like I expect anyone to understand. I really am but a fool.

The lone lover

I am really getting tired of always being the one with the strongest emotions. It's like my entire life has been an entire one-sided love. Even when people do love me back, it's more of a "like" and nowhere nearly as strong as I feel for them. But because I love, and because my love is unconditional, I can't stop. I can't stop loving someone just because it doesn't love me back as strongly. The worse part is when they feel awkward and leave me because they can't stand the constant overflow of affection. Even if I don't show it, they just can't bear the knowledge of it.

I don't want to be the one who always cares the most, especially when I don't even wanna care at all.

I've suffocated my feelings before, and I will do it again. But there's just some feelings I can't let go of. I can't, because I promised.

I really shouldn't bother feeling so strongly for people who doesn't deserve my efforts, time or commitment. Even though people tell me this, it's not really like I can snap my fingers and it's all gone. I know some people doesn't deserve it, especially those who doesn't even care about me at all.

It hurts to be forgotten by someone I'll love forever.

A pic of Carolin, full of personality as usual.

Been editing some pics today, and I'm mighty angry with the fact that you can't click pics for viewing the big original. If anyone knows how, don't hesitate to tell me. If you right click on this image, you get to see the entire pic.

I'm also done with all my work for this week. Now I get a week "off". The sad thing is that it isn't completely free; I need to be places, and fudge up my rhythm. I need to sleep when I feel like it.

I'm so tired... I feel like I'm gonna collapse at any minute. I don't want to go take a cooking lesson tomorrow... but at least the food is free.

Well... Gotta go.. do something.

G'night.

Photographing fairies

Since I have such awesome and beautiful friends, I like to act photographer every now and then. I am not the best photographer, but I enjoy my amateur photo-sessions.

A slightly retouched pic, just to practice editing. I mostly just edited colours, didn't remove anything, just enhanced.

Yonas was a bit... about the company; in other words me. Voyne Voyne.

Carolin in an orgie of colours, made up by autumn leafs.

Miika on a small rock hill. Looking awesome as always.

Super sexy super awesome Miika. I just love how the light is on these pics.

So, today I had a session with Miika, which were more not so awesome than awesome, but mainly because I had a nack for getting the light and focus right when he was either closing his eyes or looked drunk(?). There were a few nice ones though, even though I sucked.

And for those who doesn't know; I use the complete manual setting on the camera, with manual focus as well. To me the pictures becomes so much more alive that way. But I'm still lousy at getting the focus right most of the time.

And if you wonder about how my week has been (why wouldn't you?)
Saturday I discovered a nice little bump on my right wrist. I doesn't hurt, but it's weird to have a hardish lump that shouldn't be there. It has grown, though not as much as from Friday-Saturday. It is now being called Cecil, Caesar, or Billy with the surename "the cyst". Mainly I call him Caesar (pronounce it Ceee-zar) the cyst. As I believe it is a ganglion cyst. Harmless but annoying.

I've also busted my arse at work. A job I am having more and more displeasure for. Soon enough, I will grow to loath it. Not because it's a job, or it is cleaning everything from poop to blood through cookie crumbles and rests of muffins that seemingly has been ingested on the floor, but rather because I am working with incompetent fools. Or just plain idiots.

I would write more passionately about my dislike for my job, but today the nice Malin worked. I really like her; competent, capable, flexible and has a very genuine working smile. Very pedagogic and structural. It puts me to ease when I know the place isn't completely hopelessly managed.

Also; I have had the pleasure of spending a lot of my free time with Carolin (featured in the middle pic). Completely saved my lonely and Foxyless week.

Well... Got to go do other things now... Like sleep.

G'night.

10/10/10

My day was pretty neat. I got to bed late, or early that day, but slept unexpectedly good. Then I got up at 10 (heh) and by 11 me and my lovely ladies whom accompanied me took the bus to the "big city". I then went to meet up with Yonas, and spent the day with him and a friend of his. It was a nice day and I enjoyed myself though being tired, unfed properly and without my Foxy.

I did get some pics that looked nice in the camera, but we'll see how nice they are once out of it...

Cheers and G'night!