Words from the illogical mind

Please bear with this as it is words from my illogical mind.

I am afraid. Illogically afraid and paranoid. I see scenarios before my eyes, or more like blocking out my vision. I know they are not real in any way but I still find myself affected for no reason, and what worse is I can not make them stop. I am heartbroken and experience the death anxiety and doubt you have the moments before you die.

I am weak; weaker than I ever knew I was, or maybe ever have been. I am sad and shaken with fear, and find myself trusting noone with the frail one I am now. I used to envision things like these - or worse; depending on what is precious to you - but I had forgotten during these months of happiness and absence. It is like not seeing a mirror for months, then you are put before it and gaze into eyes of madness, belonging to a unrecognizable corpse-like body of illness.

I do not want to find myself ill or mad, nor do I want to recognize my weaknesses. But this is what happens when you bring a creature of the abyss into the light; as soon as you turn your gaze from it, it WILL be dragged back down into darkness, experiencing all the horrors of the fall, and will have it lingering for a while when it is back in its belongings. I feel as if I have been insane for years, but only got the emotions just now.

All I want at the moment is the one person who makes it go away. Mostly because my delusions are about loosing that one person. I can not believe that that person even jokefully suggest that I might not love it. Love does not go deeper than this.

I should sleep before I frighten myself to death.