Loneliness

And now for some self-pity.

It's kind of a good thing that I rarely feel like I wanna hang out and do something fun with random people. Mostly because at those times, noone wants to hang out with me.

I'm the king of spontaneous meet-ups only. I'm only good to people when they have nothing better to do, and it's always been like that. I don't know how many times I went across town or just to someone living far away from me (in relation to my age and population in the area I was living in) and once I got there, I found out that the friend I got a call from to come play with, had found someone more fun to go play with.

Sometimes I wonder if all those humiliating things my "friends" and brother made me do back then is the reason for why I almost never get embarrassed..?

I was also the friend you hung out with in secret. "Don't tell anyone that I hang out with you, because I don't want to get bullied". That part - I guess - was because of outer circumstances rather than my personality one-on-one. I forgave people for that.

When there was a "best friends forever" fad going on, I got "dumped" thrice for someone else. I always got asked to be "best friend" I never asked someone to be mine. But of course, getting dumped I figured they weren't much of best friends anyway.

But in the current day, I can't feel lonely. Why? Because if I do, I'll just end up miserable and write even more pitiful blog entries than this. I might even write a song! Gasp!

If I feel lonely there's nothing but time to cure it. And if I truly feel lonely, I think the loneliness will consume me in a downward spiral. I think. Maybe I can pull myself out of it. I usually can, somehow. I probably just.. have to do what I am now; accept that I am alone. Accept that people have lives that doesn't include me. And to most people, I am the only one wanting to meet up at all.

I'm not asking for people to drop everything in their hands to meet up with me, but if I needed it sometime, it would be nice if I could find someone who would do that, without an agenda to get into my pants.

I guess... I just feel the absence of someone who will stimulate my mind, and some warmth. Maybe I want some attention? I do like to give attention, but I just give and give. Would be nice to get some. Sadly, the only time I get some attention and warmth is when I have a blood pressure fall. That is not something I want associated with kindness. It feel pretty miserable that the only time I get some care is when I feel like I'm dying. On the other hand, it's a bit reassuring too; that there is at least one person in this world who wouldn't want me gone.

Now I can't type more because I'll just never end if I do. I'm lonesome, I need to go deal with that by killing off some emotions and deal with reality. I'm lonely and alone, so what. Who cares?

G'night

The sound of silence

Hello darkness, my old friend
I've come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence

(...)

"Fools", said I, "You do not know
Silence like a cancer grows
Hear my words that I might teach you
Take my arms that I might reach you"
But my words, like silent raindrops fell
And echoed
In the wells of silence

Work work work

So, today I've actually worked somewhat for real. Up at 5:30am, away at 6 and starting to work in Sotenäs. I got hired for the day to help doing some house clean-out before it was handed over to the new owner. 6h work, 2h travel, though I'm only getting paid for 6h I got free lunch from my boss and a ride there, so I'm not complaining.

The lunch we had was pizza, and the pizzeria offered exotic food like "havetsleckerheter" and the differently spelled bearnaise sauce and the mysterious vegetable tomay. And the healthy alternative "Valfris allad"- or maybe that's the table prayer? (this section is only funny to swedes)

Funny thing was, the woman who hired us wanted us to clean out the boiler room, with the instruction "This is more important than the kitchen, and everything else!" She actually expected it to be sparkling clean. It didn't of course, the soot was already sucked into the walls, and it was soot everywhere. We cleaned off the machinery and did whatever we could with everything else, and took about 4 hours, JUST that room. Then we had to take the soot-filled room next to it... We were two people on those two room. But it got done, and I'm pretty sure my boss was happy to not have to do that dirty-work...

Once home, I crashed dead. It was just such a nice feeling to go out and work with my body, I really miss doing that, but I can't do it too often because of this stupid body of mine. My hands are crying, I have about five more cracks in them now, despite wearing gloves all day. But they will heal, I hope.

When I woke up I was intending to push up my one hour cleaning job to tomorrow morning, but in last minute I decided to go work anyway so that I won't have to break up my sleep tomorrow morning. It felt nice to do as well.

So now I sit here feeling good about a full day's work. But that's all I've had time to do. Tomorrow I'm hoping for some housework being done, perhaps a trip to the mall (which I have been planning for 3 weeks now) and some drawing.

We'll see what happens. I have to shop for food at least, otherwise there won't be any dinner tomorrow.

G'night now.

Dead on my feet, but happy

Today was one of the days when I actually did something. I went to the big city nearby to meet up with my best friend.

We (me, my best friend, a friend of his and his boyfriend) hung out for a while in his apartment before we left to go meet up another friend we have in common at the café she's working at (intern-ship, but work non the less) and had some "coffee". I tasted my first chai-latte. It was delicious, I could get into an habit of giving myself one as a treat every other month or so.

Then I went home, on a kinda hellish bus ride. First I almost missed the bus, then the bus was stuffed with people. I am not kidding when I say we were about 65 people on the bus, 15 were standing. I was pushed by a black woman constantly talking on her phone, sneezing on an old lady without even trying to cover her mouth, and I was caught in between two women not used to going by bus, constantly chatting about completely boring things. My feet was killing me after standing up most of the day and then the bus ride where I couldn't mode to relieve some of the weight from the feet. my bag was cutting into my neck, I was tired enough to almost fall asleep standing up, or I was just on the verge of fainting. It's a bit hard to tell.

I got home and took a nice long shower.

The end.



Well. something like that at least. I had fun and I got so tired, but it's worth it. I'm hoping for a good night's sleep now.

Tomorrow, I'm gonna rant about the retouch photos I saw in a commercial.

Now, bed.

Tummy Exploded?

Today I think my tummy exploded a bit, painful it was at least... So all the fun stuff I could have done (save a diabetic person's life, shopping, cooking marvellous food...) didn't get done. Instead I worked in the morning after a more or less sleepless night (despite going to bed early) and did some laundry with great strain and pain medications.

I did manage to sketch some though:

 

I've just taken it up upon myself to learn how to draw this character, I'm so terribly bad at drawing disney and I feel I need to get some practice. And he's a funny character.

So, tomorrow I'm hoping for a trip to the mall outside of town to get some usable stuff. Maybe I should remind myself of what I wanted? Noodles, underwear, towels, sheets... Yeah. If I can squeeze in some butt petting in there I'd be happy.

I really need to shop food, but I'm terribly uninspired in what to make... Noodles? Works with me, not so much with my poor little Foxy...

Now; brusha mah teeth. Then bed.

Accomplished day?

So, after a restless night I got up, fairly early actually, both times I got up. I went up for real around 11, followed by a trip to the store to recycle soda bottles together with my friend and neighbour. We also cleared out some of the recyclables I had stacking up everywhere. At the end of the afternoon, I felt pretty accomplished. I got money, I cleaned out the kitchen and I booked a time in the laundry room. Ready to hit the bed, I stayed up a couple of hours more. I tried to doodle some on a disney character. I'm really terrible at drawing disney style. I managed to polish up an Internet-persona or a drawing of one at least. If all goes well it might start showing up here. It all depends on my diligence with the pencil.We'll see.

I'm still not sure on if I should start a new blog or not, I want to save everything here, but I want a different blogging experience. Maybe even something I can LINK to people.

Any-who, we randomly got a call from another friend who wanted to stay the night. Why? I do not know. But upon arrival she had one of her friends with her. Had I known, I would have worn something more than my bath robe. So, they were all hyped up by each other and spontaneity was sprouting into the apartment, and hair was begun to be cut. Not mine though. Then they decided to finish it at the brought along friend's (I guess she's my friend too, but I can't refer to them both as "my friend") house and like a whirlwind had entered, they had also left.

So now I sit here, after have finished watching "The Hunchback of Notre Dame" and am preparing for bed. I have my teeth to brush, then I can head of to la-la land. Staying up and active for more than 12h after about 3h sleep, I sure hope I can sleep. Gonna go up and work tomorrow, then sort laundry, and do the laundry. What else might I entice my day with? Who knows! Who cares? I wanna go to sleep!

G'night.

Back? Maybe...

Um yeah...

So I did a small facelift for my blog. I'm gonna keep changing it until I feel like it suits me fine. This will be good enough for now.

I've been idle for a while because I disliked the layout so much that I just didn't want to post anything. I feel though, as if I actually should blog. Not necessarily blog, but write. I've always been writing a lot of diary/rants in notebooks during and in between classes, on the bus and whenever I had some time. But now that I'm not in school or at some kind of day-activity involving writing, I really have no routine to write, but if I don't, I end up blabbering to oblivion once I do meet a living soul that isn't my "pet".

So, therefore I am gonna start writing again. I know there's not really anyone reading this blog, and I feel like doing a touch-up on theme and how I blog. I want it to be more fun and involve simple comic strips or descriptive images. I want to joke about the butt; the "pet me" butt that taunts me, and does all it can to make me pet it. I simply can't resist! It's so cute!

...

The new header is just umh eh what?. I am gonna modify it later to fit my likings better. I just can't seem to settle on an idea I want to keep.

I'm gonna make an introductory comic about the whole "modern-day vampire"-thing so it WILL make sense later.

Now I'm gonna see what I can do about my insomnia. To bed!

Keeping on trying to make eyes

This would be my third attempt to make a pair of eyes. I'm still trying to figure how to get around the issue with Dwayna in her eye being so small... Perhaps I should tiny the pic back into one large eye instead of two? Or skip the iris and put Dwayna in all of her eyewhite instead...

I'm getting a bit flustered with not being able to make any good realistic eyes...

Hey big spender!

I'm not dead, just been very busy making that video tutorial to the pic I made for a competition. I'm going nuts about finding a video editing program that can help me edit out parts of a video so that I can clip it together with each other. GAH! I'm thinking about skipping the whole visuals thing in video form and just use images instead; it's just that much easier.

Today's been a big spender day. After sitting all night trying to cut out unnecessary parts from a video clip, I went to SIBA and bought an external hard drive and a new microphone. It was a bit of an adventure in itself as I first forgot the money at home (remembered it when I was outside the port) and then the note I was supposed to turn in to the Work-deployment centre, and then it had apparently snowed 15cm since they last shovelled the snow around the houses here, so I had to run through the snow, and of course I missed the bus. I got on a bus that technically would have let me get on the bus I was supposed to take, but I had to turn in that note. I ran through snow again, and missed the bus by one minute. So I took another one leaving nearby. I got there, bought the stuff, everything went fine, then I couldn't find the bus stop because of all the snow (and I'm not used to that area) so I went to the wrong bus stop (the next one in line) and missed the bus again. I got home though, just needed to wait a lot.

And once home, after sleeping some, I had a friend help me look for computer components to my father's old computer, and I pre-ordered them. So now I just have to wait for the motherboard to arrive in the store and I can go buy it all and build a sweetass computer that I can draw on LAG FREE! And play some games on as well, whee! Christmas comes early for me this year!

So now I've been sitting with the video thing and am gonna have a shower before I continue doing the video with images only.

Cheers!

A drawing madness!

I have been drawing like mad lately. It feels good to draw since I took up drawing by hand again. I have been drawing so much digitally that I forgot how much better I am with just a pencil in hand.

Last night I got myself into a tutoring session in the DeviantART chat and got an assignment to draw from a stock photo (pre-chosen by the tutor) without cheating, in other words just drawing on top of the picture. The whole point was anatomy, but I took the opportunity to practice colouring line-less. It took me about 7h in total to make the painting. I am very pleased with it though it is a bit iffy at parts. It is probably the best drawing I've ever made.

So today I don't feel as sucky as I normally do, and that feels really great. It really is a great joy to draw when I feel like I'm making progress.

What makes me a tiny bit guilty though is me focusing my energy on non-commission art, as I have some commissions waiting for me to finish them up. But I just have to focus on what is important first; what I feel like drawing.

Now I got to do something else... Maybe sleep? Or bake? I love that I found my springform pan! I can bake as much as I want!

G'night, or good morning. Whichever.

Practice

Well, today I decided to go shoe shopping again, dragging my poor little victim with me. Of course I couldn't find any shoes I wanted (why would I? Things aren't supposed to be easy you know...) but we found some sales on expensive socks, that my company so desperately needed. And of course it was a minor snowstorm this time as well. I think I have been cursed when it comes to shopping. Now I have to put my hopes to when I'll go shop with Yonas. If not, I'll just have to wait until the after Christmas sale.

After napping some (being out in the cold cold winter is very tiresome for poor little me) I took up upon practising some realism and portrait. Can't say I'm happy with my current skill level (the girl I'm supposed to have drawn is MUCH cuter) but I guess all I can do is keep at it.

Well... off I go...
G'night.

The cake isn't a lie

My kitchen is clean!

Today I've had a computer-free day, until slightly passed 11PM, which means I haven't even turned on my computer once until 23:00. So instead of getting fat behind my computer I've been getting fat on my feet all day, doing my best to try and clean up in this messy house of mine.

I'm normally a very cleanly person, but with my Crappy McCrap health, I haven't really had the energy to keep everything as neat and tidy as I want it. Being two people in the household doesn't help either. I could let the other one help me clean, but I'm too much of a neat-freak for that. I just don't think other people clean well enough, and since they don't, I rather have it dirty until I can do it myself. Yes, the things usually get much dirtier by not getting taken care of straight away (like dishes) but I know that once I do clean, they get clean! If I can't lick it, it's not clean! (And I don't like licking things...)

Today's bonus: I found my springform pan!
Today's decision: I'm gonna clear out and throw/give away all the stuff I don't use or want.

So today, as a nice end of my busy day consisting of cleaning and recycling plus a bit of shopping, I baked a cake! A very simple one that I've made since I was about 11 years old.

But I also came to a decision today. I am a bit of a hamster. I save everything. EVERYTHING! I have every single receipt I got since slightly before I moved away from home 3 years ago! (for economical overview of course!) And I also have a lot of papers and small stuff. Like medications I don't take any more and empty packages. Not to mention a hoard of clothes I never wear. I save the boxes to everything I buy. I haven't really learned what I am supposed to save and what I'm not. So I am going to sort out all of this. Not today and probably not tomorrow, but I already have begun the process.

I am going to create a filing system for all of my drawings. I have saved every drawing/doodle that I've made since I began drawing in 2002. Yes, it IS a lot of drawings. I don't want to throw them, but I can't really keep them in the organized chaos that is my previous filing system, and I might have to put them out of the way. Mostly, I need to find a way to deal with what I am drawing nowadays... Probably I'll need to buy a folder for them.

But enough rant for tonight!
This actually feels like a blog entry... wow... Well. I'm inspired to keep working on my new public blog.

G'night Y'all.

Random

Waking up from the sensation of your arm being numb. I hate it.

Sleepover

I went to meet up with my friend yesterday, and had a blast as usual, despite feeling not so good. We talked, bought a pizza with more salad on it than pizza; it was delicious! Of course I also managed to miss the last bus home, so I spent the night and most of the following of today with him.

I got to play Fable III, it was pretty fun, but I think I still like the first one the best.... I got really annoyed with the camera; it kept spinning! So I had to constantly spin it back or I wouldn't see anything and it made me motion sick when it span out of proportions.

My friend fell asleep in his sofa, so I stole his bed. Sadly, I went to bed with a strain headache and woke up with a fever headache that ruined my day today. I got foxy to come meet me down-town and help me shop. Once home I got so distracted with eating that I almost forgot about the headache, but it came back worse once I stopped eating.

So now I smell like my friend's apartment (perfume) and have to try and rest my headache off.

G'night.

Drawing like mad

So today I've been drawing like... I dunno what actually...


WIP Guild Wars May be Gay by ~AiZicToXemia on deviantART

And I've decided to make a tutorialish walkthrough of a pic I'm making for a sort of winter art competition. Gonna be fun to see how that one goes ^^;

And no matter what I do, blogspot kills off all my pics. WHY DID THEY HAVE TO CHANGE IT TO SOMETHING AS BAD AS THIS???



How I've been lately? Either I have a kidney stone or kidney infection. Yay!

Well... I'm off to the ballroom, it's time to waltz....
G'night.