Water

One healthy habit I've contracted is exchanging a normal glass for a jug. The original reason; it's easier to clean the jug than my glass. The good thing though is that I probably drink 1-2L of water every day. I have some effervescent salts and minerals tablets that I have a glass of every now and then though. I don't use a lot of salts in my food, so I take some precautions on the hotter days and if I've just had a lot of water.

The result? I lost 3kg. I have been running a fever and a terrible diarrhoea so that could have had an impact on it, if it weren't for the fact that I lost the first two kilograms the week before that.

And speaking of the fever. Monday night I had the worst fever I can remember. It went up to 39ºC before I took a shot at some ibuprofen I suddenly remembered I had. I took it just in time because the fever made me gag out of sheer fever nausea. I intentionally drank as little water as I could to get the pill down so I wouldn't throw it up. And it was successful. The fever subsided a little. I've been dizzy and feverish all week, but at least it was only that first night that it was that terrible. Do NOT want.

What else can I say? I've picked up re-learning all the math I've forgotten these 5 years since I graduated senior high. My brain is so rusty I can't calculate anything in my head any more, but hopefully that'll change; I have 3 or 4 months to study for it anyway, and I've already known all of this before so it's more of a refresh and restore pokémon style thing I need to do, on the skill of counting in my head.

Wish me luck!

/Nighty night.

Lonesome troubles

Today has been a rather lovely day. It started off really well with a brisk morning walk (with the dog) before a quick visit to the mall, where I got to exchange two shirts for 3 others with no problem at all. I had a nap and woke up to finally clear out the closet. Now I've stowed away some things there and I have soo much more room. When I was done I noticed a message from my neighbour friend whom I often take dog-walks with. She's a really kind person and offered to do some dishes for me while I took out some stuff for recycling. Not only did I finally get rid of a big bulky box that has been following me for 12 years, I got ALL my dishes done for me.

I feel as if I'm actually getting somewhere now with my long-time quest to get rid of all the crap I don't use. I can't wait for when it's all either gone or in the storage.I can't wait for being able to vacuum at least once a week again! No more clutter, no more trash!

What's not so great though is that it's time for my better half to live away over the weekdays, and tonight was the first alone, and I started it out nicely with a dream where he came home to tell me he was dying with a fungi infection.

There are a few other bad things about being alone though...

When I'm alone I don't like to eat. I could live on liquids alone. Not healthy at all, but I just don't get hungry. In a way I should use this as a time to size down my tummy in order to size down my hiny.

I also hate leaving home even more than usual (walking the dog excluded). I will rather starve than go shop alone. I can manage this by shopping during the weekend when my beloved is home again.

Let's see what tomorrow brings. I know one thing is for sure; dog walks. Three of them.

Old and out of shape

Yesterday I was dirty, wanted to be pretty. I know now that I'm forever dirt.
I'm a nobody, wanna be somebody.

Days like today (or nights?) I can't help but to feel this emptiness and lack of future.

Growing up suck. Becoming disillusioned sucks. The future sucks.

I grew up to realize, I don't have any talents.
- I'm incredibly bad at behaving properly or socializing at all.
- I'm not a good photographer.
- I'm not a good pencil artist, painter or digital artist.
- In not good at drawing or colouring.
- I'm nothing special when I sing.
- I can't play any instrument better than a wonky "wonder wall" on an acoustic guitar.
- I don't have any stage presence.
- My lyrics aren't good.
- My compositions aren't good.
- Forget about poetry, COMPLETELY.
- I'm not good at writing stories.
- I'm not very proficient with the English language.
- I'm not anything special at cooking.
- I'm not good at sewing.
- I'm not good with mathematics.
- I'm not good at coding.
- I'm not very good with computers (I'm an average user who can troubleshoot with google).
- I'm not good at playing any kind of games.
- I'm bad at googling. (It's not that I don't do it, I suck at finding what I'm looking for)
- My memory is pretty much useless.
- I don't have my facts straight.
- I'm a slow reader.
- Everything regarding my physical body suck; every single little strain of hair.
- And I don't know how to fix any of it.

These are all points I thought were my strong points. And I've begun to realize I was never good at any of that, I had no natural talent. I worked hard to become a little less sucky, that's all.

I've never thought highly of myself, but I used to think I had a good brain with good intellectual qualities. I used to think I was made of some kind of finer mental quality. But I don't think that it is that "I've been acting like an idiot for so long that I don't know how to not act stupid" any more. I've caught up to the fact that I don't know how to act intelligently because I'm not intelligent.

It's hard to come to terms with that I don't know anything. I'm not good at anything. I'm just a stupid little girl growing old and out of shape. I can't even sit down and pay attention any more.

When I think about my future I really see nothing. Realizing I have no skill, just makes a future of any sort further away. What am I supposed to do? What am I grabbing for? Why am I even alive?

I have but one answer, which is to my last question. I live because I want to be with the one person I trust and love. That's it. That's the soul reason; I want to hang out with that one person. Lovely existence.

I don't want to be me. I don't want this piece of shit.

PHP

So uh... Good news everyone! I think  nailed what my new logo is gonna be, the mascot needs a liiiittle more love but the text and icon are ready to be made. Funny how I went from hating drawing fonts to actually think it's rather fun. Time consuming, but fun.

Now... I found a PHP tutorial, yay~ Coding!

Up and running!

Yup, now the new computer is up and running and I found out why the computer was acting funny (It wouldn't turn off when you forced the shut down with the power button) as I tried to figure why the screen wouldn't receive any information (It was connected the the computer properly but just into power save mode instead of giving an error message that there was no signal. For some reason (I dunno why) it got solved when I changed socket on one of the power chords. So now it's up and running, hurray!

Now I'm spending time trying to get rid of stuff I don't want/need. I have WAY too much of that.

Another bump in the road

Soo, I built this new computer, and while I'm building, we notice there's not enough power outlets for all the fans. Ok, not the end of the world since we bought extra fans so it's already ventilated properly. Then... The CD/DVD reader is not supported by the motherboard. Fine, I can install the OS through a USB memory only... the only USB memory I had big enough for the OS refused to become bootable saying it was write protected. So I had to buy a new one. Now, USB memory set up with the OS and nice new refurnishing as the case is too large to fit on the desk... I notice that the graphics card doesn't support VGA, and hey guess what all our screen and cables are!

If the screens and reader were supported, this computer would have been up and running 2 weeks ago. Now We have to go buy a new cable because thankfully we have a small TV screen that supports DVI. But we still need to pay up more money and wait for the item to be shipped, and the user can forget about dual screens.

Oh well. It's STILL fun to build.

Now I gotta go out into the snow rain and walk my poor dog.

Odd statistics

Suddenly my blog is having mad statistics compared to what I had last year, and I don't really link it anywhere so I have no clue why. Are people really reading this?

My body is sore and I've been slacking off a little yesterday and today to heal up. But it's nice that the body's getting a workout, and that I can feel it's strain. Squatting around on the floor while building the new computer took it's toll too, so I figured I have that covered.

What's less fun though is that I appear to be losing weight, this is not really part of the plan... But I suppose it's to be expected when my weight is more water and fat than muscle.

I took a trip down memory lane the other day, going through a box that's been standing around untouched since I was 13. It contains some of my first drawings from when I decided to start drawing for real and not just whatever we did in elementary as part of the education. I sorted out some stuff, but I still have to sort through it again; a second screening in what has to go. Then comes the next step which is dealing with dealing with my shelf. Once that is done I can take care of my briefcase and put my old comics, drafts and doodles in the shelf instead, and I dunno... Return the briefcase to my grandpa?

I want to get rid of the clutter. So much clutter... and it's not so much that it takes time to sort through it as that it's exhausting just thinking about it. I'm gonna sort through the storage room as well eventually, and put the clutter I just don't have the heart to throw in there.

One nifty way of saving space that I'm putting the boxes of the computer parts in the box the case came in. I estimate I can fit the boxes for both computers in there. Handy.

That's all for today.

Building a new computer!

Today I can't brag about doing more than eating a whole chicken with noting to it and building a computer. The later brings more pride than the sooner...

It's not a tiny little thing and I built it for someone else, but it was FUN! It took me about 5h but it was well worth it. Building computers is sooo much fun!

This computer is twice the size the one I built two years ago, also in November, but also twice the power.

Now I' gonna walk my dog and go to bed.

Puppy play-date

So today we met up with this guy who has a 5 months old GSD puppy, and this lovely hangout (filled with my derp-dog doing ANYTHING to get the puppy) lasted for 4½h. I just went back inside and passed out. When I woke up my arms hurt like never before! Just woke up in time for another little pee-walk.

Now all that's left is the butt-sercise and another dog walk before I hit the hay again.

But I did learn one thing today;

Just because I lost the argument, it doesn't mean I'm wrong; it just means I'm bad at arguing.

Someone convinced my through an argument that salt in a cake can make it taste sweeter. The argument arose from me reading an American version of sticky cake, with salt in it. Upon reading it, my first reaction was "YUCK!". But I lost the argument and it seemed plausible that salt makes cakes taste sweeter. So I decided to reward myself with some sticky cake off the American recipe.

It's edible, but it's not tasty. YUCK!

My entire body hurts from the activities I've been keeping up since the 24th. 3h dog walks/day plus the exercise... No wonder, but it feels a little good if you ignore the fact that I can't muster any brain-juice or get anything done but the physical activity.

I'm hoping tomorrow will be better so that I can build my boyfriend's new computer.

T-that's all folks!

Joined the club...

Starting up exercising is kinda like having a baby; suddenly everything revolves around it. Everything you say, post and think of is workout, food and your performance. And I suppose it's exactly as uninteresting to everyone else.

I'm thinking about starting up a specific blog about it, and flood that one with what I do/don't do instead.

Right now, I think I've earned myself a nice shower, and some nommy food. I don't know if I'll make chilli or fish soup yet, but either will be delicious.

My exercising isn't about losing weight at all so I will probably still eat a lot of junk, but as long as I gain muscle on the glutes and improves my general physical condition, I'm happy.

/over and out.

Time for a new life!

Oh my, well lookie here! My old li'l blog that noone reads!

So, what's happened this last year?

Actually... Nothing. I've survived and grown fatter, that's about it.

Now; the weight is nothing much to bother with, but... I had a really shocking revelation yesterday going to the store to buy new pants. That I've become larger isn't a secret, I intentionally chose larger sizes because there are two reasons for why I need new pants:

1. My old pants don't fit.
2. The few ones that does fit, are so old they are basically falling apart.

Then I find myself in the changing-room, the pants fit without any problem. "Ok, I've moved up from a big 34 to a big 38. It's not that bad, I was thinking I'd moved up to 40-42. Now let's see how the look in the problem area; the back..." I find myself thinking and adjust the mirror so I can see my rear in the big mirror behind me.

What greeted my eyes... I knew it wasn't gonna be pretty, but I have no full body mirrors at home so I had no idea to what extent it was.

I'm not a crybaby, but I really wanted to cry in shame. Turns out my better half has been very kind and lenient on me about what I actually look like from behind...

So, I have started off my "new life"! I managed to jog my first kilometre ever last night, took my measurements and now I'm weighing myself every morning and hopefully every evening as well.

I've bought an exercise ball and I'm gonna try to construct my own little yoga-program to do daily. There's gonna be a lot of focus on the butt, but the rest of me isn't exactly fit, nor nimble. I'll let you know more about that later.

Buddhist Living

So I've known for a long time that that I'm a bit Buddhist by nature, and thus owning is suffering for me.

One reason is that I just attatch too much to things. It's not really anywhere near unhealthy levels, but I'm a gemini, and freedom is impotant for my psychological wellbeing. Sentients and owning things makes me tied down and will probably cause substantial trauma if forcibly lost - in, let's say a fire.

Another reason is that I have a buch of stuff collecting dust that I don't need or ever use. So instead of having them an annoying element to clean off, I might as well pack up what I don't use but want to save, and throw/give away what I don't want at all.

This serves well for a third reason; I intend to move as soon as possible, and thus I want as little as possible to move.

I'm gonna be so happy once all of this is done. I don't really need to own more than kitchen appliances and tablewear and my electronics.

and it's so much easier to clean without clutter.


G'night and sorry for being so quiet.

New ideas

So, while my wrist has been injured, I haven't really drawn... at all.

But I've been inspired to work some with colours and guild wars. We'll see how I do. I don't really wanna draw my own characters but rather just random characters I plucked together. Though I don't really like what I see.

All while the concept in my head is nice, we'll see how it looks when actually drawn by me. If it doesn't end up well, I can always fall back on my old idea with chibi's.

Just for fun, but I really feel like making some nice art.

Inflammation in the Wrist

So...

For the last 4 weeks I've had this pain in my right wrist, it's been sneaking up on me slowly, and reached it's peak two weeks ago, not last weekend, but the weekend before that. The following Tuesday I went to see a doctor. He told me it was an inflammation in the wrist, put me on a 10 day cure with anti-inflammatory painkillers. I'm on day 9 and it still hurts me to tears. It's not one bit better. I do give that with the painkillers I can move my hand a bit and use it somewhat (I can type) but it still hurts. Turning my palm upwards is impossible and having it facing downwards is possible but hurts.

I've had a lot of mild fevers during this last week; from 37,3ºC to 38,1ºC. Note that my normal body temperature is around 36,2ºC.

So this has made me fairly unsociable and frustrated. I'm the type that when in pain becomes restless and flustered. Mostly restless and bored. I want to do things, but I can't since I'm in pain and that makes me frustrated and more restless.

What really annoys me in all of this is: I'm sitting here, about to cry from the pain, but I know that when I wake up tomorrow my wrist is gonna be a lot less painful because of the pill I just took, and I will be all "Maybe I just have to wait out the treatment" and "It doesn't hurt that bad, let's wait and see. Perhaps it's better." which will make me avoid seeing a doctor. I strongly dislike doctors, it's a stress and pain to see them; I feel stupid, ridiculed and not believed. On top of it all, I'm the kind who goes "if it's not bothering me right now it doesn't exist" which is also how doctors are; can't see it, it doesn't exist. So while at the doctors, I draw a blank and I can't voice my pains.

And no matter how much I try to push on how extremely lethargic I feel and the constant malaise, they act as if they didn't hear me.

I want to see a doctor now, but it's almost 10PM so I have to visit an emergency room if I want to meet one, and those doctors are the worse ones! In a way I hope it hurts this much in the morning too so that I really get taken seriously.

Dang it, I have to stop typing... I'm crying.

My Name

I get this question a lot, so I figured I'd just make an entry about it, to link people whenever it happens online (real life still requires individual explanations) and be relived of repeating myself.


The story behind the name
September 2003 I became desperate for a nickname, as I quite abhorred my given name already back then. I was also searching for a suitable stage name, as I was certain I was destined to live my life in the name of various arts. So I made up this name, with the idea that it would match the nickname of my best friend as I thought we were destined to be soul-mates for the rest of our lives and of course we'd rock the world in the same band.

I liked what I created, and felt right at home with my new given name. Incorporating it was a bit of a challenge since everyone I knew called me by my given name or a common nickname for people with that name. That issue would turn out to fix itself as I was thrown out of junior high for being too bullied. So, after changing schools I only introduced myself with my new name and would not really speak of my name ever again.

After not very long, I came to despise my given name so much that I would not even be able to say it out loud. I even used a fame name or one of my middle names when I worked because I just couldn't out and say it. So at the day I turned 18, I was ready with the papers for changing one's name legally, and I submitted it. With that I removed two of my names; my given name completely eliminated and a spare surname my mother had added when I was around 10 or so to try and stop bullying, only to fuel it on even more. All that was left was my two middle names (which I had nothing against apart from their genus) and my father's and my original surname, plus my new first name.


Some FAQ


Q: Where does it origin from?
A: I made it up, I was inspired by nothing. I just sat on the floor in my room and thought it up.

Q: Are you really Swedish?
A: Short answer: Yes.
Long answer: I'm half Swedish, 1/4 Danish and 1/4 Finnish. My paternal grandparents are from Denmark and Finland. I take after my Finnish grandma a lot and could probably pass for a finn apart from the fact that I can't say much more than "minun siskat koira nimi on Tessan" (which is supposed to mean "my sister's dog is names Tessan") with probably a really bad pronunciation. But practically, I'm as Swedish as you can get. Non of my grandparents have shared any heritage because in Sweden, we are swedes.

Q: Why did you remove your given name?
A: I loath it.

Q: What was your given name?
A: I can't tell you.

Q: So it's not middle eastern?
A: Not. One. Bit.

Now I've come to realize that I won't become the androgynous shock-rocker I wanted to be, but I haven't given up my dream, I'm just regrouping.

(I might edit this post as I receive more questions)