New ideas

So, while my wrist has been injured, I haven't really drawn... at all.

But I've been inspired to work some with colours and guild wars. We'll see how I do. I don't really wanna draw my own characters but rather just random characters I plucked together. Though I don't really like what I see.

All while the concept in my head is nice, we'll see how it looks when actually drawn by me. If it doesn't end up well, I can always fall back on my old idea with chibi's.

Just for fun, but I really feel like making some nice art.

Getting commissioned

Guess who's a happycat?

Well, not the pony... But rather the artist who made it; in other words me. I have been commissioned (and paid!) for two ponies now (this is not one of them, the one above is a freebee) and another one is on the way. I'm really glad that people want ponification portraits and can consider paying for them. They are very cheap, basically just covers the material cost, but I'm still getting money! Even if it just was a cent, it's symbolic!

Perhaps it will expand enough for me to make some profit and enable me to live on it a bit one day. That'd be my dream. One can dream, right? But for now, it's enough that some people have bought art from me. My most loyal costumer and several new ones.


The paid ponies:

Well, now I'm off to bed. Night.

Money and hot coco!

I finally go the money today! So over night I went from starvation alert to having plenty much money. I'm not rich, but it's much for me. I think I'll be able to save some money this month, AND at the same time live frivolously spending. In food at least; I can buy as much food as I want. I drool at the thought. I can buy more olive oil!

I don't think I can stress how important my finances are to me. I turn every cent ten times before I spend it. That way I can afford buying delivery pizza a few times a month. I don't in particular want pizza, but it's good food for Foxy, and he likes pizza so he can have the leftover pizza I haven't eaten. Like this morning; he found my leftover pizza in the fridge and got that silly childishly naïvely happy that I just love and adore.

This month we have been taking money from the secret stash, I did put in some money so technically we haven't gone minus, but I really don't like to use those money, because they don't exist. The main reason we've been so out of money is that I only got half of my money by the end of last month; only enough to pay the bills. I got the other half today. And it just feels wonderful to have money in the bank.

I get really stressed out when I don't have any money. Acquiring debts or needing to take loans are my worse nightmare. I don't want to get payment remarks, or loose my apartment. I'll never get to a point where I'll actually be in danger of that, seeing how I seem to hamster money a bit of everywhere. I easily have enough cash to pay a rent or three, but those are money that are specifically reserved for that purpose. But I never want to use them, because if I do, I'll really be penny-less.

Also, in this household I'm not the only one with money. I just like to think about Foxy's money as money that doesn't exist. We have a kind of shared economy, I just refuse to actually let him pinch in unless he have to. It's all about me.

Another reason for why I want spare cash is that I want to save up for studying in Japan. That is really expensive! The cheapest one way ticket I've heard of is at €500, and that is if you accept pit-stops and changing planes, as well as resort to either booking half a year in advance or last minute with no guarantees. And then there's the living expenses! I do live very cheap now, as long as I have a pretty ok working computer and my tablet, I'll be fine entertainment wise. I just need RENT! Rent is NOT cheap. And I might wanna study in Tokyo. I only know of three schools approved by CSN (the student loan granter) and it's in Tokyo, Kyoto and I think one in Nagoya. I'm a bit confused on where I want to live.

Studying in Japan is but a dream, but I plan to go there some day, if so even for a short vacation. And for that I need money. I want to try to realize my dream.

So anyway! I am celebrating having money with making myself some hot chocolate. YUM!

Melancholic ill artist

I don't feel alive.

I was feeling kinda ok, for being me. Had a small fever and tired as always, but in a good mood and felt ok for the moment being, then as I'm saying something cheery to my Foxy in the other room, pouring myself some cola, I see how everything is turning, or falling together as a house of cards. I think I'm standing straight, but I am falling towards the floor, grabbing the oven handle to brace myself from falling, shouting for foxy to come catch me. Before he gets to me, I've landed on my butt. I'm completely at a loss at why the image I'm seeing is twisting and turning.

If this is what happens when I feel "fine", then what kind of life am I to have? I can't do anything. All my joys in life has been taken away from myself by noone else but my own body. I am my own prison, and there's not enough resources to cure me. Noone wants to find out what's wrong with me. Nobody wants to put down that little extra effort to help me. And I am now to weak and powerless to help myself. I've pushed too far and can't stand on my own legs. Who can I talk to about this? Who will listen and both believe and help me?

I don't want to die. I want to live!

Unicorns! :3

This is kinda how I feel today. Except I haven't started drawing yet. I hope once I do I'll feel happy tingly inspired joy! Or at least not as bored and dull as I am feeling right now. (The comic strip is made by: http://jollyjack.deviantart.com/)

And in other news; I've gotten my first real commission that's not a Guild Wars Commission for in game money. I am completely psyched about it and am gonna put down as much effort into it as I can :3 Wish me luck!

I'm considering going to buy the computer parts for the computer I am going to build tomorrow. Those they have in stock at least; seems like they have the parts I want scattered over the stores and the internet shop. We'll see what I do. I'm in a discussion with my "computer expert" about switching to other parts that they have in stock.

Now I'm off to doodle away!

The poor life of an Artist

The bills are paid and I am pleasantly surprised to have more money left than I expected - which is that there IS money left. I was fearing not being able to pay one of the bills, but I did and have a small amount left. I doubt I will be able to make it on those these two weeks until the next payment, but luckily I'm not alone! I have my Foxy to help out. If the money would run out, he has some money too. It is not much, but we aren't gonna eat like kings and horses at the same time. Besides, I get my next payment in two weeks so it should be fine. After that there shouldn't be any money problem what so ever though I probably will have to refill the canned foods, dried foods and grains. But that's fine; it's not like I am in dire need to buy anything else.

The only thing I want is a rice boiler. *dreams away*

I wish I had more money to spend on art, but it seems like I don't. A new computer would be lovely but... Well... money.

I met up with a friend yesterday and I showed him around Uddevalla and brought him to the museum, showed him the baby chicks there. Yes, they have real living Easter chicks there. He bought us (him, me and Foxy) food (Tacos, whee!) so I am really thankful for that; it helped us out a lot. Especially that there were leftover; food for another day, YAY! I have the best of friend while they decide to hang around.


Cheers.

Still Alive

Portal references, wheeee!

I caved in and got me a facebook account to keep in touch with my family. But I am not selling my images to facebook >_< I just got an account to keep in touch with family, nothing else. I strongly dislike facebook, but it's not like everyone in my family has msn sadly.

And what is up with MSN FORCING you to update to that horrible newer version? Someone should do something gruesome to MSN for that. Someone, not me.

I went shopping yesterday, and I just kept realizing that what I can eat lately is basically just sallad, tea and a very modest amount of treats. In order to start checking my food intake (for the sake of my health) I am going to start a food diary, where I also note how I felt after eating what I ate. I am not an anorectic, but the small amount I have been able to put into myself lately is so modest I am feeling how I wither away.

I appreciate if someone has any good recipe on easy to process but high nutritional values, I would love to receive them in the comments.

*sigh* I want to be healthy now. I long sooo much to swim, and move about. Would be awesome to go skiing some day too. I miss moving around so horribly much! I am really miserable, not even being able to walk down to the store down town. ;_;

As a counter measure to being immobilized and pitiful, I have started a project in taking commissions. It gives me something to do and makes me feel less worthless and unproductive. I can understand why people get depressed when unemployed, I am not though, waaay to busy trying to make use of myself.

For some reason, I have started to almost completely avoid lactose. I even went as far as to buy the special ice-cream for lactose intolerant. Well, I find that brand very tasty (tofuline) especially the chocolate one, but they didn't have it when we were shopping so I bought a multi-flavoured one from the same brand.

This is kinda silly though since I am not lactose intolerant and it makes no difference what so ever. But I heard that infectious tummies could temporally be sensitive to lactose, so I am taking the safe before the unsafe.

Well... I guess I have other things to do.
G'night.

The dreaded 3 AM

Every day is a fight against the body and time. Every day I watch what I eat, I lust and crave foods I can not have (unless I want to accept the dire consequences) and I dread the arrival of 3 am.

Sleep is useless, my day is completely turned around. It doesn't matter if I try to sleep to avoid what I fear. It wakes me up. It wakes me up with the cold kiss of death, leaving my intestines, thyroid gland and brain in agony, pain, nausea and with the imminent presence of the last breath. And I suffer for hours. Though the nausea, no matter how much I want to devoid my stomach, thinking it just might ease it a little, I can not get anything passed my thyroid gland; it sits like a basketball in my throat blocking everything, including my airways. And the lungs seems to just not want to take another breath. All night, I fear, I am on my tip toes at the same time I try to relax as much as possible to not strain myself. I don't even dare to clean my helix piercing properly because of the fear that it will get angry and send me back to hell; the living hell.

Once I finally get some peace, I sleep out the day, waking up only to catch a glance of the grey last beams of daylight, left with only the option of reaching out my hand through the small side-window in the kitchen trying to grasp some of the vitamins it holds. Though the light hurts me, I probably need every measure of nutriments I can get.

...And the passer by gets a nice view of young sick pale yellowish naked body.

It hurts everywhere, but the pain is welcome, even the frenetic itch on the back of my hands are welcome as a distraction from that. Pain I can deal with, pain I am used to, but that I can never get used to.

I can feel how my weak body is consuming itself. Gnawing off it's own bones, eating what little muscles I have left after all these years of pain, lethargy and illness. I dream of a swim, a nice long walk or scaling a tree. I dream about having a proper conversation, being able to use some of my brain. I dream about biking up those horrible hills I used to have to overcome every time I was going home as a kid.

I fear, I dread and I loath what just might strike me, if I am careless or just because it feels a little extra malicious that night. I can't describe the feeling of only being able to focus one's thoughts on the phrase "I don't want to die" and through all those hours of agony having to settle one's mind and be at ease with the fact that there might not be a tomorrow, that one just might not wake up ever again. Sobbing out "I love you" to the one closest and dearest, because there might not be another chance to do so.

And the the weakness the day after. Standing up is impossible. And the fear, the continuous awareness and the worrying about it's return, maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow or the day after that...

I don't even dare to feel, maybe it comes if I let my mental guard down? Maybe it consumes me if I feel just the tiniest amount of sadness or maybe weakened by lust? My only desire I can meet, the only physical action I am still capable of, the thing that still bounds me to this world and to humanity though I ironically enough am turned into an animal at that time..? Maybe that, which some call sin or sinful, my way of expressing love is inviting it in to cause that horrid thing in me? Or maybe that, which is my way of showing love is strengthening me? I do not know.

It is as if this wicked sickness of mine, likes the psychological warfare as much as the physical torment.

This wicked sickness of mine...



I want to live.

Oh... Oh my...

I had one of the weirdest dreams in a long time. I dreamed I had an Anubis mummy in my room in an old house of ours, and it was waking up, threatening to kill everyone it came across, unless I drew comics with it where it had a lover. Then my mother had moved and forced me to go to her new house, not allowing me to leave and draw more comics of the Anubis and it's lover. My mother (for some reason) had my father's kittens living with me, and they were toilet trained, but you had to watch them while they.. went on with their business. They pooped long worms with see through skin and whiteish grayish inside and an ink blue line along its inside body from head till tail. It as thick in the head, thinner in the tail, very disgusting. And disturbing.

The Anubis arose and were hunting me down, and for some reason I offered myself as it's lover so I did not have to draw all the shit. Then it turned into a killer whale and we were swimming in a swimming pool and it was happy. I was thinking about Foxy but in the dream there was no Foxy...

Very very strange indeed. Have no idea where any of the stuff came from. I mean.. Anubis? I liked the horror dream with computers in the same room better.