Something is really wrong when dying is more attractive than living, and you actually WANT to live so badly that you keep a mantra of "I want to live! I want to live!" whenever you're feeling bad.
I am so terribly sick and tired of doctors and hospitals! They keep pushing me around and I never get any help! I desperately need to get part time put as sick, and what I need even more is to find out what's wrong with this useless piece of s*it body that I have, and repair it so that I can get energy enough to at least be alert and awake for 8 hours a day.
Both the Unemployment centre and the social services wants me half time on sick leave, but the doctors won't even touch me. They don't seem to understand that you can't be ill and work at the same time, because if they worked 25% they'd earn more than I could earn even if I found someone to hire me 100%. I'd get fired after three months though, but WHO CARES ABOUT THAT?
As long as I'm ill I can't study either, so even though I have the mind and aspirations to become high educated, I can't. OH YEAH! Make sure I'll never contribute t the society, and then kill myself with the motivation "I wanted to LIVE" and thus every single penny spent on me has been a waste. Way to go government!
Grr mrrr grawr...
Showing posts with label Hospital. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Hospital. Show all posts
Thursday, September 2
Monday, February 15
Laxabon Prt. 2
This is the second part of my too much information story. If you're still squeamish, don't read.
[Gruesomeness starts here]
19:02 1st glass of second round downed
Lukewarm it isn't too tasty. Not only is pretty much anything not very tasty lukewarm, geranium flower tasting water is - as you can imagine - much worse. It's like you have them in a vase, then put it in the sun a sunny summer day and then remove the flower and serve. Bleh! Thank heavens for the sweets!
I forgot in my first calculations that I would keep on squishing out stuff for one or two hours after I stop drinking the laxative. This means that I won't be done by 21 as I thought, instead I will be done closer to 23. Yay... I am going to reward myself with a nice shower and pretend this didn't happen before I go to bed, ensured that I am no longer effected by the stuff. I can't shower for too long though since I have to get up around 6 am.
19:12 2nd glass of second round downed
It has cooled down a little now and tastes slightly better... But it still is bad. Not disgusting, just bad. I have an even stream om small amounts of water coming out now. Sometimes I don't know if I'm pooping or peeing, sometimes I do both.
And my legs are numbing away. It's still painful though.
19:23 3rd glass of second round downed
I have changed my approach this time; instead of pulling down on the amount, I fill the glass as much as I can without spilling it when I move it. With that method I only have 2 glasses left, on the first liter. Then we have the second one... Bring it on! This time I am feeling the results already, which is promising in the sense that maybe I get off the hook earlier than expected. Not getting my hopes up though.
19:33 4th glass of second round downed
Oooh, tummy didn't like that! Maybe I should prolong the distance in between the doses? hurr... tummy not glad. Not glad at all.
19:44 5th glass of second round downed
It's getting more even with the let outs too. It's just poring right through. The last liter is prepared and I'll begin the first glass with the next glass. Feels refreshing to only have this last liter.
This is the first time I have drunk this much in a row. My butt is starting to get angry. Probably didn't have enough lotion on it. It's a bit late to reapply now since I am kinda busy...
19:55 6th glass of second round downed
Geh..! This one is warm too! Bleh. I am never gonna go close to those flowers ever again! Good thing I am not living with my mother; it's her favorite flower. Maybe this is a redemption for my sin of killing my own flowers? It's not like I mean to, but it's hard to keep them alive when 1. cats flipping them over and 2. I'm not at home. I should go get some cactus again.
20:06 7th glass of second round downed
Well, it's going down... halfway done now, more or less at least. I am not that happy. I long for my shower ant try to pass time at DeviantART.
20:18 8th glass of second round downed
Heh, forgot the time there a little. Tummy is not complaining, but my butt is; don't want to sit here any more. One glass left, maybe a half one after that. Then this shit is DONE! *can't wait*
It's drawing near! I am almost a bit excited to get the next one that will be the almost last one!
20:28 9th glass of second round downed
It's only a liiittle left in there now. I'll take it in another 10 min. Wooohoo!!! So tired of this shit!
20:38 10th glass of second round downed, LAST ONE!
Although it was barely half a glass, I'm done! Now I just to let it go through.
I suddenly realized I have been worrying about honey in the tea, but the sweets I am eating have cream in them! That might not be too good. I am going to be mad if it gets ruined because of that, especially since I could have done it without them!
Oh well... I'm sucking the last one right now. I will have to settle with that.
Well... I won't post much more in here now, unless something comes up, so...
G'night ya'll!
[Gruesomeness starts here]
19:02 1st glass of second round downed
Lukewarm it isn't too tasty. Not only is pretty much anything not very tasty lukewarm, geranium flower tasting water is - as you can imagine - much worse. It's like you have them in a vase, then put it in the sun a sunny summer day and then remove the flower and serve. Bleh! Thank heavens for the sweets!
I forgot in my first calculations that I would keep on squishing out stuff for one or two hours after I stop drinking the laxative. This means that I won't be done by 21 as I thought, instead I will be done closer to 23. Yay... I am going to reward myself with a nice shower and pretend this didn't happen before I go to bed, ensured that I am no longer effected by the stuff. I can't shower for too long though since I have to get up around 6 am.
19:12 2nd glass of second round downed
It has cooled down a little now and tastes slightly better... But it still is bad. Not disgusting, just bad. I have an even stream om small amounts of water coming out now. Sometimes I don't know if I'm pooping or peeing, sometimes I do both.
And my legs are numbing away. It's still painful though.
19:23 3rd glass of second round downed
I have changed my approach this time; instead of pulling down on the amount, I fill the glass as much as I can without spilling it when I move it. With that method I only have 2 glasses left, on the first liter. Then we have the second one... Bring it on! This time I am feeling the results already, which is promising in the sense that maybe I get off the hook earlier than expected. Not getting my hopes up though.
19:33 4th glass of second round downed
Oooh, tummy didn't like that! Maybe I should prolong the distance in between the doses? hurr... tummy not glad. Not glad at all.
19:44 5th glass of second round downed
It's getting more even with the let outs too. It's just poring right through. The last liter is prepared and I'll begin the first glass with the next glass. Feels refreshing to only have this last liter.
This is the first time I have drunk this much in a row. My butt is starting to get angry. Probably didn't have enough lotion on it. It's a bit late to reapply now since I am kinda busy...
19:55 6th glass of second round downed
Geh..! This one is warm too! Bleh. I am never gonna go close to those flowers ever again! Good thing I am not living with my mother; it's her favorite flower. Maybe this is a redemption for my sin of killing my own flowers? It's not like I mean to, but it's hard to keep them alive when 1. cats flipping them over and 2. I'm not at home. I should go get some cactus again.
20:06 7th glass of second round downed
Well, it's going down... halfway done now, more or less at least. I am not that happy. I long for my shower ant try to pass time at DeviantART.
20:18 8th glass of second round downed
Heh, forgot the time there a little. Tummy is not complaining, but my butt is; don't want to sit here any more. One glass left, maybe a half one after that. Then this shit is DONE! *can't wait*
It's drawing near! I am almost a bit excited to get the next one that will be the almost last one!
20:28 9th glass of second round downed
It's only a liiittle left in there now. I'll take it in another 10 min. Wooohoo!!! So tired of this shit!
20:38 10th glass of second round downed, LAST ONE!
Although it was barely half a glass, I'm done! Now I just to let it go through.
I suddenly realized I have been worrying about honey in the tea, but the sweets I am eating have cream in them! That might not be too good. I am going to be mad if it gets ruined because of that, especially since I could have done it without them!
Oh well... I'm sucking the last one right now. I will have to settle with that.
Well... I won't post much more in here now, unless something comes up, so...
G'night ya'll!
Laxabon Prt. 1
I am warning you beforehand; This is going to be a graphic and nasty entry so do not read it if you are sensitive. I am posting this for two reasons; To have something to do and to remember the event for further notice. It will get updated during the day/evening.
[Gruesomeness starts here]
I am doing preparations for an examination tomorrow, which means that I have to completely devoid my gut and tummy of food. Hence I am drinking a laxative called Laxabon. I am bracing myself for a horrid experience. I enter the bathroom with my computer, a t-shirt, thick socks, a bag of sweets to suck on between the glasses of laxative (I was recommended to do that), the laxative, one normal drinking glass and my phone for timer on when to drink the stuff.
15:24 1st glass downed
I am surprised at the taste, which isn't as bad as I thought it would be. But it tastes salty and a bit like flower dirt and it feels a little that it isn't something I should be drinking if it wasn't for this thing. No chocolax here.
I realized I had forgotten to grease up my butt, so I greased it up nicely. Butt protection, YAY!
15:36 2nd glass downed
I am beginning to think that maybe I should have moved around more before I started taking it; it is supposed to work better than, and so far; nothing's happened. I wasn't eating much yesterday anyway; maybe there's nothing to get rid of? Considdering all I ate was 4 snickers bars and one can of premade fish buns.
15:46 3rd glass downed.
I am feeling ghost movement. If I had been eating much, I guess it would be coming now, but so far only air. My throat is getting a bit angry; it doesn't really like that stuff. I am feeling a bit full too so I'm not very confident about drinking at this speed... I try to drink slightly less so I won't be bothered too much.
15:56 4th glass downed.
Still nothing coming, but the taste is starting to get to me now. The water in the watering can I drank accidentally when I was 7 was tastier than this.
16:02
First sign of effect. It's only a little, but it's started at least.
16:08 5th glass downed
My tummy is a bit upset, as in it is reacting. I feel it the most when I drink and stir the thing around in my tummy. But other than that I can't feel much. I'm peeing though, so it's going through the system.
I was expecting it to hurt a little in my gut or in my butt. I've taken rectal laxative before, and it was stinging and annoying and painful, but this I can only feel in the sense that it's a bit hard to close up if I try, even though nothing's coming.
But; as usual when I ingest something my tummy has swollen up.
16:13
I think I've discovered the fish buns.
I need to put restrains on myself to not chew on the sweet. I'm used to chew on everything I put in my mouth but this is bad for to reasons to chew on; if I swallow it in pieces it will interfere with the laxatives, and it's bad for the teeth.
16:19 6th glass downed
Now my tummy is starting to rumble! The first liter is done. 3 left to go, one more before my recess. But there's still not much activity... And my thighs hurt. Being too bony it's not good sitting this long on the toilet. It's hard only sitting in my bed nowadays.
I wonder why I got the idea I might be able to leave here just because I have a while's recess?
16:25
Now things are happening. It starts to hurt in my gut, then I spew a little. I'm waiting for the second round to be prepared.
And it's done. Now I just have to wait the last 2 min before I start over again.
I guess I can feel comfort in that it only hurts right before it spews out; that means that what's troubling me most likely is in the large intestine which is where they'll be checking. It's a bit strange that they'll check me from both ends, but they don't check the small intestine. What if my issues are in there? I don't want to go through it again.
16:28 7th glass downed
And I am having more activity. I am feeling that I don't want to go through this ever again. It's very straining. I am thinking about watching a movie or something, but I don't know... Maybe I should save it for later?
I've decided to split this into two separate entries; one for each session. I am most likely gonna be very tired after this; considering I was tired already when I woke up today.
Not eating isn't very hard for me; considering I have issues eating as it is. The bad part is that I am probably gonna be very weak tomorrow not eating well for several days, and then nothing for two days.
16:40 8th glass downed
It's starting to pace up and I am loosing a lot from my tummy each turn. I guess that's good. But my tummy is hurting. Especially when I'm swallowing.
I'm getting cold too. And my legs hurt. I have to hold myself up with my hands every now and then to ease the pain.
16:50 9th glass downed
Looks like I have two or three glasses left. Nothing new at this point. My thighs still hurt, the laxative is still disgusting and I'm still cold.
17:01 10th glass downed
It's becoming more of a routine now. To top it all of in irony twists; I just got a call from a person about a home party for sex toys. Sorry to say, but that's the last thing I'd like to think about now, though a butt-plug might seem appealing. So that I can leave this toilet and ease the pain in my thighs.
17:13 11th glass downed
The last glass for this session. Feels good to be done with half of it. It isn't as bad as I thought it would be, but it's still not exactly a day on the beach. I'm cold, I'm in pain from sitting down (haha, I'm weak) and I still have to sit here until I stop shitting, which could be a while. Whoopeee...
I'll sign in later to tell the story.
//XXX
[Gruesomeness starts here]
I am doing preparations for an examination tomorrow, which means that I have to completely devoid my gut and tummy of food. Hence I am drinking a laxative called Laxabon. I am bracing myself for a horrid experience. I enter the bathroom with my computer, a t-shirt, thick socks, a bag of sweets to suck on between the glasses of laxative (I was recommended to do that), the laxative, one normal drinking glass and my phone for timer on when to drink the stuff.
15:24 1st glass downed
I am surprised at the taste, which isn't as bad as I thought it would be. But it tastes salty and a bit like flower dirt and it feels a little that it isn't something I should be drinking if it wasn't for this thing. No chocolax here.
I realized I had forgotten to grease up my butt, so I greased it up nicely. Butt protection, YAY!
15:36 2nd glass downed
I am beginning to think that maybe I should have moved around more before I started taking it; it is supposed to work better than, and so far; nothing's happened. I wasn't eating much yesterday anyway; maybe there's nothing to get rid of? Considdering all I ate was 4 snickers bars and one can of premade fish buns.
15:46 3rd glass downed.
I am feeling ghost movement. If I had been eating much, I guess it would be coming now, but so far only air. My throat is getting a bit angry; it doesn't really like that stuff. I am feeling a bit full too so I'm not very confident about drinking at this speed... I try to drink slightly less so I won't be bothered too much.
15:56 4th glass downed.
Still nothing coming, but the taste is starting to get to me now. The water in the watering can I drank accidentally when I was 7 was tastier than this.
16:02
First sign of effect. It's only a little, but it's started at least.
16:08 5th glass downed
My tummy is a bit upset, as in it is reacting. I feel it the most when I drink and stir the thing around in my tummy. But other than that I can't feel much. I'm peeing though, so it's going through the system.
I was expecting it to hurt a little in my gut or in my butt. I've taken rectal laxative before, and it was stinging and annoying and painful, but this I can only feel in the sense that it's a bit hard to close up if I try, even though nothing's coming.
But; as usual when I ingest something my tummy has swollen up.
16:13
I think I've discovered the fish buns.
I need to put restrains on myself to not chew on the sweet. I'm used to chew on everything I put in my mouth but this is bad for to reasons to chew on; if I swallow it in pieces it will interfere with the laxatives, and it's bad for the teeth.
16:19 6th glass downed
Now my tummy is starting to rumble! The first liter is done. 3 left to go, one more before my recess. But there's still not much activity... And my thighs hurt. Being too bony it's not good sitting this long on the toilet. It's hard only sitting in my bed nowadays.
I wonder why I got the idea I might be able to leave here just because I have a while's recess?
16:25
Now things are happening. It starts to hurt in my gut, then I spew a little. I'm waiting for the second round to be prepared.
And it's done. Now I just have to wait the last 2 min before I start over again.
I guess I can feel comfort in that it only hurts right before it spews out; that means that what's troubling me most likely is in the large intestine which is where they'll be checking. It's a bit strange that they'll check me from both ends, but they don't check the small intestine. What if my issues are in there? I don't want to go through it again.
16:28 7th glass downed
And I am having more activity. I am feeling that I don't want to go through this ever again. It's very straining. I am thinking about watching a movie or something, but I don't know... Maybe I should save it for later?
I've decided to split this into two separate entries; one for each session. I am most likely gonna be very tired after this; considering I was tired already when I woke up today.
Not eating isn't very hard for me; considering I have issues eating as it is. The bad part is that I am probably gonna be very weak tomorrow not eating well for several days, and then nothing for two days.
16:40 8th glass downed
It's starting to pace up and I am loosing a lot from my tummy each turn. I guess that's good. But my tummy is hurting. Especially when I'm swallowing.
I'm getting cold too. And my legs hurt. I have to hold myself up with my hands every now and then to ease the pain.
16:50 9th glass downed
Looks like I have two or three glasses left. Nothing new at this point. My thighs still hurt, the laxative is still disgusting and I'm still cold.
17:01 10th glass downed
It's becoming more of a routine now. To top it all of in irony twists; I just got a call from a person about a home party for sex toys. Sorry to say, but that's the last thing I'd like to think about now, though a butt-plug might seem appealing. So that I can leave this toilet and ease the pain in my thighs.
17:13 11th glass downed
The last glass for this session. Feels good to be done with half of it. It isn't as bad as I thought it would be, but it's still not exactly a day on the beach. I'm cold, I'm in pain from sitting down (haha, I'm weak) and I still have to sit here until I stop shitting, which could be a while. Whoopeee...
I'll sign in later to tell the story.
//XXX
Sunday, February 14
Pharmaceutical trip
I had to go to the mall today to pick up some medication for my preparation for the hospital visit on tuesday. They have buses that goes every half an hour there straight from my bus stop, very handy. So I got on the bus over there and did my business fairly quickly. I went a quickie in to one of the big supermarkets and bought some tasty things to bring with me home. I missed the bus home by 2 min. Fine, next one is in 38 min. So I had a sausage and some soda, looked around in the stores, tried to overcome my disgust for the H&M store to check out a belt I actually thought was kinda nice, for decoration. Then I checked the time and went over to the bus. I ran into a friend of mine and exchanged a few words. I missed the bus with 2 min AGAIN. Tired of waiting I went on another bus that goes downtown before going home and wondered why I didn't take that one straight away, since the same kind of bus was waiting straight after the first bus I missed.
I do not like buses. I do not like anything you have to catch a time to and if you don't you're doomed. I'm not doomed taking these buses living in a city and all, but where I used to live it was more or less "If you miss this bus you will have to wait until tomorrow". Really annoying since the bus stop I used was hidden so you had to stand and wait for the bus out on the road or they'd pass by you not even looking because it isn't the most run down stop if you say so. And I'm not kidding; in summer there were only 2 buses a day; one away and one home. One each way.
So back to present; I am ready now! I'm gonna live on fluids until monday morning just to be sure everything goes fine. So I'm gonna have to go shop for a fluid drink diet tomorrow. Also I need to check up how I am gonna get there and how much it's gonna cost to bring Foxy along. I'm mire than likely going to be drugged once there since the examination is going to be very painful. Just the light version hurt so much I had to scream and cry. So going alone is not a good idea.
I hope this is going to tell what's wrong with my health. If they don't find anything... Then they will have to drive me to the psychiatric ward I'm afraid because I can't take the pressure of this mysterious illness. And those bastards does not even want to file me as ill in the official papers either. If I could work I would. Actually I want to work but I can't. I can't even go to school and study. I can barely go and shop by myself. And at any given time I can have a blood pressure fall and have to be lead/carried home.
Well.. enough misery for now.
G'night all.
Sunday, February 7
Am I suffocating right?
Tummy blows up, tummy gets thin, tummy blows up, tummy gets thin. Tummy looks like 3 year on truck driver diet, tummy looks like that of an anorectic, tummy looks like it's 6 months pregnant, tummy looks like someone has disembowelled it. It's more than quiet painful. In the morning or if I haven't eaten for a while I have a tummy flatter than flat. No matter how much I try to push it out it won't go outside of the ribcage or even fill up to the hipbones. And then I only need to drink half a glass of water and the tummy blows up so big I have to suck it in to not breach the skin. When the tummy is thin it's angry and painful. Feels like I've been eating glass and then shit it out. The butt doesn't hurt; it's only the gut and stomach. Or as if I had a block of concrete passing through. When it's blown up it feels like I've been gobbling down acids. Buuuurn baby buuurn.
I went to see "Snabba Cash" in the cinema yesterday. It's a swedish movie. It was an OK movie, but I probably would have appreciated it more if I hadn't had a blood-pressure fall two thirds into it. I was about to faint I don't know how many times and I had to be lead out of the cinema by Foxy, and I threw up thrice once we got out (I was struggling to keep it in while in the cinema) and that tells a lot since I rarely throw up nowadays. I've trained hard to keep it down and the enlarged thyroid does it's part in not letting too much pass either up or down. We had to buy bus cards too. I probably looked like I was heavily drugged or drunk.
I have no idea how I would manage without Foxy. I try to imagine how I would have managed if I was alone. Either I'd probably have the bright idea to crawl out of there and pretend like I don't need any help, or I'd just sit there and fall asleep/faint and wait for someone to find me. Either way, it would have been a horrible experience and I highly doubt anyone would take me to the hospital because the times I've been like that in public I either get ignored like a HIV positive leprous alcoholic bum, or people make fun of me. They don't really get that I can't move, so I'm an easy target for "why are you hitting yourself? Quit hitting yourself" games.
At those times I can't help but to feel low in faith towards getting healthy. It's like noone even understands I'm ill. Now my blood-pressure that always have been fine goes down all the time and people react as if I just sneezed. Actually, I do that all the time, and I've been coughing since July and constantly gets small fevers. And one minute I'm hot, the next and most of the time I freezing like hell.
I'm not feeling good, and now more than ever I hate the question "how are you?" Because the answer is:
I'm hungry like hell, but I can't eat. My tummy hurts constantly and I'm running a small fever with belonging headache and head weary. I have a thirst I can't quench and my skin is cracking from dryness and I've scratched myself bloody. You're just lucky to not caught me when I have a blood-pressure fall; then I feel so bad I eventually can't move. This goes on daily. I'm FINE thank you.
The only thing I ever reply is "same old, same old" or "I'm fine thank you". People doesn't want to hear that I'm shitting blood and need a spewing bucket constantly around because I am always nauseas and I never know when I'll throw up next. I'm a wreck and eating is hell for me. Breathing is hell for me too because one part of the time my entire body hurts. Breathing is like being gassed, with the wrong type of gas.
I don't feel like an artist any more. In fact, I don't even feel human. I never felt very much like a normal human, but now the only humanity left in me is that I every time I am going to sleep think "I don't want to die!".
I went to see "Snabba Cash" in the cinema yesterday. It's a swedish movie. It was an OK movie, but I probably would have appreciated it more if I hadn't had a blood-pressure fall two thirds into it. I was about to faint I don't know how many times and I had to be lead out of the cinema by Foxy, and I threw up thrice once we got out (I was struggling to keep it in while in the cinema) and that tells a lot since I rarely throw up nowadays. I've trained hard to keep it down and the enlarged thyroid does it's part in not letting too much pass either up or down. We had to buy bus cards too. I probably looked like I was heavily drugged or drunk.
I have no idea how I would manage without Foxy. I try to imagine how I would have managed if I was alone. Either I'd probably have the bright idea to crawl out of there and pretend like I don't need any help, or I'd just sit there and fall asleep/faint and wait for someone to find me. Either way, it would have been a horrible experience and I highly doubt anyone would take me to the hospital because the times I've been like that in public I either get ignored like a HIV positive leprous alcoholic bum, or people make fun of me. They don't really get that I can't move, so I'm an easy target for "why are you hitting yourself? Quit hitting yourself" games.
At those times I can't help but to feel low in faith towards getting healthy. It's like noone even understands I'm ill. Now my blood-pressure that always have been fine goes down all the time and people react as if I just sneezed. Actually, I do that all the time, and I've been coughing since July and constantly gets small fevers. And one minute I'm hot, the next and most of the time I freezing like hell.
I'm not feeling good, and now more than ever I hate the question "how are you?" Because the answer is:
I'm hungry like hell, but I can't eat. My tummy hurts constantly and I'm running a small fever with belonging headache and head weary. I have a thirst I can't quench and my skin is cracking from dryness and I've scratched myself bloody. You're just lucky to not caught me when I have a blood-pressure fall; then I feel so bad I eventually can't move. This goes on daily. I'm FINE thank you.
The only thing I ever reply is "same old, same old" or "I'm fine thank you". People doesn't want to hear that I'm shitting blood and need a spewing bucket constantly around because I am always nauseas and I never know when I'll throw up next. I'm a wreck and eating is hell for me. Breathing is hell for me too because one part of the time my entire body hurts. Breathing is like being gassed, with the wrong type of gas.
I don't feel like an artist any more. In fact, I don't even feel human. I never felt very much like a normal human, but now the only humanity left in me is that I every time I am going to sleep think "I don't want to die!".
Friday, December 11
Fever.. AGAIN
I promised myself I wouldn't speak about my health any more, but it dominates my life at the moment. I have a slight fever 37,8○C (compared to my normal 35,9) and I can feel that I'm not going to feel too well tonight
I wasn't feeling good yesterday or the day before that. I guess I just have to suck it up, but I'm not happy, feeling like this. Also I have found a suspicious lump in my throat, outside of the thyroid and the sinew holding the head in place. I only have it on the right side and not the left. Also, it wasn't there before.
I hope my time at the doctor will come soon. I'm off to bed now though.
G'night
Thursday, October 29
The dreaded 3 AM
Every day is a fight against the body and time. Every day I watch what I eat, I lust and crave foods I can not have (unless I want to accept the dire consequences) and I dread the arrival of 3 am.
Sleep is useless, my day is completely turned around. It doesn't matter if I try to sleep to avoid what I fear. It wakes me up. It wakes me up with the cold kiss of death, leaving my intestines, thyroid gland and brain in agony, pain, nausea and with the imminent presence of the last breath. And I suffer for hours. Though the nausea, no matter how much I want to devoid my stomach, thinking it just might ease it a little, I can not get anything passed my thyroid gland; it sits like a basketball in my throat blocking everything, including my airways. And the lungs seems to just not want to take another breath. All night, I fear, I am on my tip toes at the same time I try to relax as much as possible to not strain myself. I don't even dare to clean my helix piercing properly because of the fear that it will get angry and send me back to hell; the living hell.
Once I finally get some peace, I sleep out the day, waking up only to catch a glance of the grey last beams of daylight, left with only the option of reaching out my hand through the small side-window in the kitchen trying to grasp some of the vitamins it holds. Though the light hurts me, I probably need every measure of nutriments I can get.
...And the passer by gets a nice view of young sick pale yellowish naked body.
It hurts everywhere, but the pain is welcome, even the frenetic itch on the back of my hands are welcome as a distraction from that. Pain I can deal with, pain I am used to, but that I can never get used to.
I can feel how my weak body is consuming itself. Gnawing off it's own bones, eating what little muscles I have left after all these years of pain, lethargy and illness. I dream of a swim, a nice long walk or scaling a tree. I dream about having a proper conversation, being able to use some of my brain. I dream about biking up those horrible hills I used to have to overcome every time I was going home as a kid.
I fear, I dread and I loath what just might strike me, if I am careless or just because it feels a little extra malicious that night. I can't describe the feeling of only being able to focus one's thoughts on the phrase "I don't want to die" and through all those hours of agony having to settle one's mind and be at ease with the fact that there might not be a tomorrow, that one just might not wake up ever again. Sobbing out "I love you" to the one closest and dearest, because there might not be another chance to do so.
And the the weakness the day after. Standing up is impossible. And the fear, the continuous awareness and the worrying about it's return, maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow or the day after that...
I don't even dare to feel, maybe it comes if I let my mental guard down? Maybe it consumes me if I feel just the tiniest amount of sadness or maybe weakened by lust? My only desire I can meet, the only physical action I am still capable of, the thing that still bounds me to this world and to humanity though I ironically enough am turned into an animal at that time..? Maybe that, which some call sin or sinful, my way of expressing love is inviting it in to cause that horrid thing in me? Or maybe that, which is my way of showing love is strengthening me? I do not know.
It is as if this wicked sickness of mine, likes the psychological warfare as much as the physical torment.
This wicked sickness of mine...
I want to live.
Saturday, October 17
Really feeling like crap
I had a really horrible night tonight, I seriously thought I was going to die and I made Foxy stay up with me, reassuring me I was alive and breathing.
I am almost afraid of sleeping now; I felt so aweful I could not do anything for 12 hours, 03-15. I felt really nausious and wanted to go to the hospital eventhough I hate going there. Now I know I survive it though feeling like hell. But I sure hope there won't be a next time. I am way too weak for that.
And thus; you aint getting anything attached to this entry. My piercing looks fine as far as I can tell, but after the night cleaning it hurts a little. Maybe it's the salt in the wanter I used to clean it or it is just a little angry abot getting fibbled with. I hope it stays fine though.
Peace out.
I am almost afraid of sleeping now; I felt so aweful I could not do anything for 12 hours, 03-15. I felt really nausious and wanted to go to the hospital eventhough I hate going there. Now I know I survive it though feeling like hell. But I sure hope there won't be a next time. I am way too weak for that.
And thus; you aint getting anything attached to this entry. My piercing looks fine as far as I can tell, but after the night cleaning it hurts a little. Maybe it's the salt in the wanter I used to clean it or it is just a little angry abot getting fibbled with. I hope it stays fine though.
Peace out.
Monday, September 28
Back where I... Belong?
My father is back home again, apparently it was nothing serious, or so they think at least. He is not in any pain right now and hopefully sleeping soundly. They think it is a kidney stone so he will be going to the hospital tomorrow for more tests.
I am home, safe, sound and fresh out of the shower. The rosehip soup I bought before going away was to my joy still durable. I am mostly glad since I have little else to drink at home...
Bills are paid, letters are still to be sent here and I have an appointment I came home just in time for.
Soon I am off to bed before I think too much abut Foxy, or myself for that matter :S
G'night
Sunday, September 27
Shit happens..?
Well...
My Brother called me at half past six PM, and told me our father was in the hospital.
Apparently he has had a really bad stomach ache all weekend, and ended up so bad he couldn't move from pain. So it is not his heart, and when I talked to my brother they had no idea what it was, they had X-rayed him, but I do not know if they had the result yet or not.
I will try to go home tomorrow, and will probably go to my father's to tend to his cats, and pay him a visit at the hospital. I am hoping for the appendix, or something minor that will be resolved easily.
I have that typical "but he sounded fine when I talked to him on the phone friday evening..." and I feel guilty for not really asking how he was feeling. He asked me how I was since I am so sickly... I hope he will be ok.
...
Monday, August 31
Not much to add
Well, events made it so that the last days I have not been able to make entries here. I am not too surprised since that is how my life usually works nowadays; disabled every other day. I was thinking that to make up for it I should make something nice to this entry, having something to talk about at least.
But... I got nothing.
This is what happened;
I went to celebrate my more or less only real friend Yonas' birthday this Thursday, I missed my buss/cart home, and had to go home at 4 am instead; that day's entry ruined, then I was exhausted enough to sleep the entire day away, then I had some kind of attack making me unable to breath, so it was off to the hospital for 14h. Of course they found nothing, as usual. After I came home I have been feeling bad as hell, and NEW parts of my belly is aching. Yay. I tried to explain the pain away with muscle fever, but apparently you can not have it in that area. Seems like yet another thing to bring up to my doctor at the local care-center. If I get a time there this year.
And after that... well, I felt like dying, so not much energy for anything. Though I made an earnest attempt to socialize by treating a neighbor and two "friends" we have in common to some chocolate pancakes bu my own recipe.
And just so you know; it is painful when the doctor stab you in the bone with the needle instead of the artery. Well, for me it was not that bad, just enough for me not be able to restrain myself. But a hell of a lot more than it should. And the pain goes on for like 4-5 hours after. I still feel tender in my wrist, and it has been a day or so. My first thought before I got to know that he stabbed my bone was "it must really hurt a fuckload to slit your wrists".
I know it is not interesting to read, but being so incredibly forgetful nowadays I really need to write it down to remember.
I dread the hospital bill, and I felt so incredibly silly for going into the hospital as I hate hospitals; They only check the "normal" things and sends me home because they do not find anything. Well, I am not diabetic, and I do not smoke nor drink, OR take medications dangerous to anything. What did you expect? I do everything to make myself healthy, so OBVIOUSLY the normal things are not what is wrong with me. Besides; I am young.
I have no faith in this region's medical care.
But... I got nothing.
This is what happened;
I went to celebrate my more or less only real friend Yonas' birthday this Thursday, I missed my buss/cart home, and had to go home at 4 am instead; that day's entry ruined, then I was exhausted enough to sleep the entire day away, then I had some kind of attack making me unable to breath, so it was off to the hospital for 14h. Of course they found nothing, as usual. After I came home I have been feeling bad as hell, and NEW parts of my belly is aching. Yay. I tried to explain the pain away with muscle fever, but apparently you can not have it in that area. Seems like yet another thing to bring up to my doctor at the local care-center. If I get a time there this year.
And after that... well, I felt like dying, so not much energy for anything. Though I made an earnest attempt to socialize by treating a neighbor and two "friends" we have in common to some chocolate pancakes bu my own recipe.
And just so you know; it is painful when the doctor stab you in the bone with the needle instead of the artery. Well, for me it was not that bad, just enough for me not be able to restrain myself. But a hell of a lot more than it should. And the pain goes on for like 4-5 hours after. I still feel tender in my wrist, and it has been a day or so. My first thought before I got to know that he stabbed my bone was "it must really hurt a fuckload to slit your wrists".
I know it is not interesting to read, but being so incredibly forgetful nowadays I really need to write it down to remember.
I dread the hospital bill, and I felt so incredibly silly for going into the hospital as I hate hospitals; They only check the "normal" things and sends me home because they do not find anything. Well, I am not diabetic, and I do not smoke nor drink, OR take medications dangerous to anything. What did you expect? I do everything to make myself healthy, so OBVIOUSLY the normal things are not what is wrong with me. Besides; I am young.
I have no faith in this region's medical care.
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