Am I suffocating right?

Tummy blows up, tummy gets thin, tummy blows up, tummy gets thin. Tummy looks like 3 year on truck driver diet, tummy looks like that of an anorectic, tummy looks like it's 6 months pregnant, tummy looks like someone has disembowelled it. It's more than quiet painful. In the morning or if I haven't eaten for a while I have a tummy flatter than flat. No matter how much I try to push it out it won't go outside of the ribcage or even fill up to the hipbones. And then I only need to drink half a glass of water and the tummy blows up so big I have to suck it in to not breach the skin. When the tummy is thin it's angry and painful. Feels like I've been eating glass and then shit it out. The butt doesn't hurt; it's only the gut and stomach. Or as if I had a block of concrete passing through. When it's blown up it feels like I've been gobbling down acids. Buuuurn baby buuurn.

I went to see "Snabba Cash" in the cinema yesterday. It's a swedish movie. It was an OK movie, but I probably would have appreciated it more if I hadn't had a blood-pressure fall two thirds into it. I was about to faint I don't know how many times and I had to be lead out of the cinema by Foxy, and I threw up thrice once we got out (I was struggling to keep it in while in the cinema) and that tells a lot since I rarely throw up nowadays. I've trained hard to keep it down and the enlarged thyroid does it's part in not letting too much pass either up or down. We had to buy bus cards too. I probably looked like I was heavily drugged or drunk.

I have no idea how I would manage without Foxy. I try to imagine how I would have managed if I was alone. Either I'd probably have the bright idea to crawl out of there and pretend like I don't need any help, or I'd just sit there and fall asleep/faint and wait for someone to find me. Either way, it would have been a horrible experience and I highly doubt anyone would take me to the hospital because the times I've been like that in public I either get ignored like a HIV positive leprous alcoholic bum, or people make fun of me. They don't really get that I can't move, so I'm an easy target for "why are you hitting yourself? Quit hitting yourself" games.

At those times I can't help but to feel low in faith towards getting healthy. It's like noone even understands I'm ill. Now my blood-pressure that always have been fine goes down all the time and people react as if I just sneezed. Actually, I do that all the time, and I've been coughing since July and constantly gets small fevers. And one minute I'm hot, the next and most of the time I freezing like hell.

I'm not feeling good, and now more than ever I hate the question "how are you?" Because the answer is:
I'm hungry like hell, but I can't eat. My tummy hurts constantly and I'm running a small fever with belonging headache and head weary. I have a thirst I can't quench and my skin is cracking from dryness and I've scratched myself bloody. You're just lucky to not caught me when I have a blood-pressure fall; then I feel so bad I eventually can't move. This goes on daily. I'm FINE thank you.

The only thing I ever reply is "same old, same old" or "I'm fine thank you". People doesn't want to hear that I'm shitting blood and need a spewing bucket constantly around because I am always nauseas and I never know when I'll throw up next. I'm a wreck and eating is hell for me. Breathing is hell for me too because one part of the time my entire body hurts. Breathing is like being gassed, with the wrong type of gas.

I don't feel like an artist any more. In fact, I don't even feel human. I never felt very much like a normal human, but now the only humanity left in me is that I every time I am going to sleep think "I don't want to die!".