Useless crap

Heh... Not only am I uninteresting, when I say something, it's bad too.

I don't see why people find a happy and excited person so annoying they want to throw it out of their lives, though it actually could be of help, and was happy to help.

I don't know why I get so affected by being rejected. I don't care mentally, but emotionally I turn into a wreck. I'm not really contributing with anything anywhere. I'm as worthless as can be. I'm physically a wreck too, and noone cares about trying to find out what's wrong though I am legally right to get cured. I'm only a bigger problem being ill.

What's the most sad, is that I have noone to talk to. People pull away from me. The only one I technically could talk to lives too far away, and when we meet I don't want to talk about these kinds of things. Because if I do, I'm afraid he'll stop talking to me too. It really hurts when someone turns down the friendship. And I have so many people rejecting any kind of relation to me. It had been fine I guess if I had cut it with the (selfish I know, that's why I don't do it) or if it had just drifted away and that was that. But I've intentionally been turned down, and actively had people chosen to stay drifted away, even though we never intended to in the first place. Am I the only one to care?

I feel like such a laughing stock. I used to be one, and I didn't care then; I knew they weren't my friends and that everything I did including them would result in something demeaning towards me. But... It hurts to be rejected by someone I thought was my friend, or just someone who could have been my friend.

What I am having in mind today is that I've been interested in doing some scanlation editing, or helping out in any way. I searched for some groups, and ended up with my favourite releaser. I did their editing test and sent it back to them last friday. To topp it off, I joined their IRC channel to try to befriend them there and get to know them better. Excited to see how I did on the test and if maybe I'd be accepted I waited the entire weekend, chatting every now and then with some random people at the IRC channel. I did mention that I was eager to help out and was awaiting the email with passion. You know; silly and refreshing the inbox in my hotmail, as if it would be sent quicker. Which I also mentioned in IRC. I was jokingly saying I wanted to know if I was dissed or not; as in if they wanted me or not. Then all hell broke loose.

Suddenly someone I've never talked to in the chat starts to talk to me in a very demeaning way, I try to tell the person I have no ill intent. It goes on and I am more or less being completely humiliated verbally, and I still try to turn it around, but I start to loose interest in that person; after so many harsh words, I don't want to befriend that person any more, but I still don't want to be in a fight with it; neutral is fine. So I ask the person why it is being so mean and I frankly tell it (as good as I can) that it is being unreasonable, and more or less an ass. The verbal abuse tags off, and I already halfway through it knew there was no way in hell they'd want me in their team. But when I said that I didn't even know who the person was and I had no ill intentions and there was no need to jump me, that was apparently the straw the broke the camels back, and I got kicked.

I think it's fine, because I don't want to work with such people anyway; that sees what they want in whatever they want. That automatically assume I am mocking them or being mean or whatever to make a legit reason to bash out like that. I'd say if there was any sense in that person, it was hidden VERY well. I'm not even going to sugar-coat it! I was being bashed for no reason and the person seamed like a angry idiot. I am not the least sad about not co-working with a person like that.

But I was actually brought to tears about what was said to me and how I was treated. That's what puzzles me. I'm such a whiny bitch. Just the fact that I'm writing this entry proves it. So what do I do to make it stop?

I guess the only thing to do is to actually not hang around people, but I've always thought that to be the chicken way out. Maybe some problems aren't supposed to be faced?

I feel like such an idiot right now, or every day rather. I don't have anything interesting to say. I have a bad sense of humour and every kind word up until now has been forced out to keep on my good side, to be kind. After all; noone likes a lonely person who gets emotional if rejected.

I wonder how stupid I actually am.

//XXX