I am warning you beforehand; This is going to be a graphic and nasty entry so do not read it if you are sensitive. I am posting this for two reasons; To have something to do and to remember the event for further notice. It will get updated during the day/evening.
[Gruesomeness starts here]
I am doing preparations for an examination tomorrow, which means that I have to completely devoid my gut and tummy of food. Hence I am drinking a laxative called Laxabon. I am bracing myself for a horrid experience. I enter the bathroom with my computer, a t-shirt, thick socks, a bag of sweets to suck on between the glasses of laxative (I was recommended to do that), the laxative, one normal drinking glass and my phone for timer on when to drink the stuff.
15:24 1st glass downed
I am surprised at the taste, which isn't as bad as I thought it would be. But it tastes salty and a bit like flower dirt and it feels a little that it isn't something I should be drinking if it wasn't for this thing. No chocolax here.
I realized I had forgotten to grease up my butt, so I greased it up nicely. Butt protection, YAY!
15:36 2nd glass downed
I am beginning to think that maybe I should have moved around more before I started taking it; it is supposed to work better than, and so far; nothing's happened. I wasn't eating much yesterday anyway; maybe there's nothing to get rid of? Considdering all I ate was 4 snickers bars and one can of premade fish buns.
15:46 3rd glass downed.
I am feeling ghost movement. If I had been eating much, I guess it would be coming now, but so far only air. My throat is getting a bit angry; it doesn't really like that stuff. I am feeling a bit full too so I'm not very confident about drinking at this speed... I try to drink slightly less so I won't be bothered too much.
15:56 4th glass downed.
Still nothing coming, but the taste is starting to get to me now. The water in the watering can I drank accidentally when I was 7 was tastier than this.
16:02
First sign of effect. It's only a little, but it's started at least.
16:08 5th glass downed
My tummy is a bit upset, as in it is reacting. I feel it the most when I drink and stir the thing around in my tummy. But other than that I can't feel much. I'm peeing though, so it's going through the system.
I was expecting it to hurt a little in my gut or in my butt. I've taken rectal laxative before, and it was stinging and annoying and painful, but this I can only feel in the sense that it's a bit hard to close up if I try, even though nothing's coming.
But; as usual when I ingest something my tummy has swollen up.
16:13
I think I've discovered the fish buns.
I need to put restrains on myself to not chew on the sweet. I'm used to chew on everything I put in my mouth but this is bad for to reasons to chew on; if I swallow it in pieces it will interfere with the laxatives, and it's bad for the teeth.
16:19 6th glass downed
Now my tummy is starting to rumble! The first liter is done. 3 left to go, one more before my recess. But there's still not much activity... And my thighs hurt. Being too bony it's not good sitting this long on the toilet. It's hard only sitting in my bed nowadays.
I wonder why I got the idea I might be able to leave here just because I have a while's recess?
16:25
Now things are happening. It starts to hurt in my gut, then I spew a little. I'm waiting for the second round to be prepared.
And it's done. Now I just have to wait the last 2 min before I start over again.
I guess I can feel comfort in that it only hurts right before it spews out; that means that what's troubling me most likely is in the large intestine which is where they'll be checking. It's a bit strange that they'll check me from both ends, but they don't check the small intestine. What if my issues are in there? I don't want to go through it again.
16:28 7th glass downed
And I am having more activity. I am feeling that I don't want to go through this ever again. It's very straining. I am thinking about watching a movie or something, but I don't know... Maybe I should save it for later?
I've decided to split this into two separate entries; one for each session. I am most likely gonna be very tired after this; considering I was tired already when I woke up today.
Not eating isn't very hard for me; considering I have issues eating as it is. The bad part is that I am probably gonna be very weak tomorrow not eating well for several days, and then nothing for two days.
16:40 8th glass downed
It's starting to pace up and I am loosing a lot from my tummy each turn. I guess that's good. But my tummy is hurting. Especially when I'm swallowing.
I'm getting cold too. And my legs hurt. I have to hold myself up with my hands every now and then to ease the pain.
16:50 9th glass downed
Looks like I have two or three glasses left. Nothing new at this point. My thighs still hurt, the laxative is still disgusting and I'm still cold.
17:01 10th glass downed
It's becoming more of a routine now. To top it all of in irony twists; I just got a call from a person about a home party for sex toys. Sorry to say, but that's the last thing I'd like to think about now, though a butt-plug might seem appealing. So that I can leave this toilet and ease the pain in my thighs.
17:13 11th glass downed
The last glass for this session. Feels good to be done with half of it. It isn't as bad as I thought it would be, but it's still not exactly a day on the beach. I'm cold, I'm in pain from sitting down (haha, I'm weak) and I still have to sit here until I stop shitting, which could be a while. Whoopeee...
I'll sign in later to tell the story.
//XXX
Showing posts with label description. Show all posts
Showing posts with label description. Show all posts
Monday, February 15
Sunday, February 7
Am I suffocating right?
Tummy blows up, tummy gets thin, tummy blows up, tummy gets thin. Tummy looks like 3 year on truck driver diet, tummy looks like that of an anorectic, tummy looks like it's 6 months pregnant, tummy looks like someone has disembowelled it. It's more than quiet painful. In the morning or if I haven't eaten for a while I have a tummy flatter than flat. No matter how much I try to push it out it won't go outside of the ribcage or even fill up to the hipbones. And then I only need to drink half a glass of water and the tummy blows up so big I have to suck it in to not breach the skin. When the tummy is thin it's angry and painful. Feels like I've been eating glass and then shit it out. The butt doesn't hurt; it's only the gut and stomach. Or as if I had a block of concrete passing through. When it's blown up it feels like I've been gobbling down acids. Buuuurn baby buuurn.
I went to see "Snabba Cash" in the cinema yesterday. It's a swedish movie. It was an OK movie, but I probably would have appreciated it more if I hadn't had a blood-pressure fall two thirds into it. I was about to faint I don't know how many times and I had to be lead out of the cinema by Foxy, and I threw up thrice once we got out (I was struggling to keep it in while in the cinema) and that tells a lot since I rarely throw up nowadays. I've trained hard to keep it down and the enlarged thyroid does it's part in not letting too much pass either up or down. We had to buy bus cards too. I probably looked like I was heavily drugged or drunk.
I have no idea how I would manage without Foxy. I try to imagine how I would have managed if I was alone. Either I'd probably have the bright idea to crawl out of there and pretend like I don't need any help, or I'd just sit there and fall asleep/faint and wait for someone to find me. Either way, it would have been a horrible experience and I highly doubt anyone would take me to the hospital because the times I've been like that in public I either get ignored like a HIV positive leprous alcoholic bum, or people make fun of me. They don't really get that I can't move, so I'm an easy target for "why are you hitting yourself? Quit hitting yourself" games.
At those times I can't help but to feel low in faith towards getting healthy. It's like noone even understands I'm ill. Now my blood-pressure that always have been fine goes down all the time and people react as if I just sneezed. Actually, I do that all the time, and I've been coughing since July and constantly gets small fevers. And one minute I'm hot, the next and most of the time I freezing like hell.
I'm not feeling good, and now more than ever I hate the question "how are you?" Because the answer is:
I'm hungry like hell, but I can't eat. My tummy hurts constantly and I'm running a small fever with belonging headache and head weary. I have a thirst I can't quench and my skin is cracking from dryness and I've scratched myself bloody. You're just lucky to not caught me when I have a blood-pressure fall; then I feel so bad I eventually can't move. This goes on daily. I'm FINE thank you.
The only thing I ever reply is "same old, same old" or "I'm fine thank you". People doesn't want to hear that I'm shitting blood and need a spewing bucket constantly around because I am always nauseas and I never know when I'll throw up next. I'm a wreck and eating is hell for me. Breathing is hell for me too because one part of the time my entire body hurts. Breathing is like being gassed, with the wrong type of gas.
I don't feel like an artist any more. In fact, I don't even feel human. I never felt very much like a normal human, but now the only humanity left in me is that I every time I am going to sleep think "I don't want to die!".
I went to see "Snabba Cash" in the cinema yesterday. It's a swedish movie. It was an OK movie, but I probably would have appreciated it more if I hadn't had a blood-pressure fall two thirds into it. I was about to faint I don't know how many times and I had to be lead out of the cinema by Foxy, and I threw up thrice once we got out (I was struggling to keep it in while in the cinema) and that tells a lot since I rarely throw up nowadays. I've trained hard to keep it down and the enlarged thyroid does it's part in not letting too much pass either up or down. We had to buy bus cards too. I probably looked like I was heavily drugged or drunk.
I have no idea how I would manage without Foxy. I try to imagine how I would have managed if I was alone. Either I'd probably have the bright idea to crawl out of there and pretend like I don't need any help, or I'd just sit there and fall asleep/faint and wait for someone to find me. Either way, it would have been a horrible experience and I highly doubt anyone would take me to the hospital because the times I've been like that in public I either get ignored like a HIV positive leprous alcoholic bum, or people make fun of me. They don't really get that I can't move, so I'm an easy target for "why are you hitting yourself? Quit hitting yourself" games.
At those times I can't help but to feel low in faith towards getting healthy. It's like noone even understands I'm ill. Now my blood-pressure that always have been fine goes down all the time and people react as if I just sneezed. Actually, I do that all the time, and I've been coughing since July and constantly gets small fevers. And one minute I'm hot, the next and most of the time I freezing like hell.
I'm not feeling good, and now more than ever I hate the question "how are you?" Because the answer is:
I'm hungry like hell, but I can't eat. My tummy hurts constantly and I'm running a small fever with belonging headache and head weary. I have a thirst I can't quench and my skin is cracking from dryness and I've scratched myself bloody. You're just lucky to not caught me when I have a blood-pressure fall; then I feel so bad I eventually can't move. This goes on daily. I'm FINE thank you.
The only thing I ever reply is "same old, same old" or "I'm fine thank you". People doesn't want to hear that I'm shitting blood and need a spewing bucket constantly around because I am always nauseas and I never know when I'll throw up next. I'm a wreck and eating is hell for me. Breathing is hell for me too because one part of the time my entire body hurts. Breathing is like being gassed, with the wrong type of gas.
I don't feel like an artist any more. In fact, I don't even feel human. I never felt very much like a normal human, but now the only humanity left in me is that I every time I am going to sleep think "I don't want to die!".
Wednesday, August 19
Just Another Piece of Art
Not original, not special, nothing more than you, yet I grant myself an ego of extreme dimentions. I am one of those wannabe artists that keeps creating, eventhough it all sucks. I am better than many but still nothing to brag about; just your average internet user.
I am also one of those people with sky high expectations of oneself and I will never be fine with what I do or have done. I am striving towards perfection; though I am well aware that I will never get that far.
Once upon a time I was intelligent and had an exceptional memory; remembering ever the slightest detail. I used to have a prosperous voice and art talent, though I never possessed any means to elaborate them any further, I always since I discovered my abilities tried to pursue the dreams of being something some day. I even took up on writing and had very good reviews from my teachers, but I realized that teachers see more in the students than what is actually there, and after reading what I was writing, I gave up on my 100p + novels - which never got finished - and writing and focused more on creating a bad personality.
I always pull the story of my li(f)e to every new person I meet, so why not give you the 5 min version here in text instead:
Naive childhood, ignoring my miserable conditions as the youngest and overlooked child of 3 in a poor family with a headache medicine abusing single mother. At the end of my childhood (age 7) I gained two younger siblings to steel the spotlight, and I just tried to melt into the background as good as I could, silently humming some made-up songs.
As with everyone else, school was horrible and I got kicked, spit on, hit, taunted and ignored alongside every other shit kids does towards one another. Though I always loved studying and sort of idolized the teachers as sources of information, and for the reason that they more or less were the only ones to ever bother with me.
I had one friend through elementary school; she was my everything and still love her to death, even though we were abruptly forbidden to ever meet again. I stalk her on the internet, but she has little use for me nowadays as she is busy being screwed up by her horrible childhood.
High school was for me like for everyone; hell on earth. By this time I had long since stopped even noticing those who bullied me. I also slowly fell ill in some mysterious disease we are still yet to diagnose, except for a stupid hypothyreosis, and that kind of fucked up my plans of having a calm teenage period.
I was thrown out of my first high school due to the extent of the bullying that the students were causing disturbance to the classes. So I moved to my father and started "anew" in an even more narrow-minded school and found my second real friend. We had a very close and intimate relationship, and it was only possible due to our mutual feelings of disgust towards the thought of ever taking it into something even remotely sexual. He served me well as a friend all through both younger and older high school, and we remain friends til this day, but we do not see each other that much.
Older high school was more or less in a mist of lethargy, as my illness was raging through my body. I had to repeat one year due to absence. Year 1-2 I was in school every day, but once there I never managed to do anything but stare into the abyss. I was never depressed, just apathetic. And all the years up until then I was being scolded as being lazy, when my body just was not working.
I managed to graduate with "ok" grades this summer and am now just wallowing in my own dirt as I am too tired to do anything at all, except barely computer related things.
And so I am here;
I think way too much, and doing way too little. I used to be intelligent, but now... I am more of the waste that is left if you pick everything even slightly desirable out of a human being.
And another thing;
I consider myself gender neutral and have never gotten the big fuzz about gender, sexualities and social relations. Why does one have to sugarcoat everything one say and am? I am completely without boundaries and I am fine with it, except that there are downsides to it I have a hard time handling. I will never understand your facial expressions or why you suddenly got mad at me, but I try to guess.
I do not expect a single soul to read this shit, but I would be glad if anyone would care to take the time with it. Comments are more than welcome.
I am also one of those people with sky high expectations of oneself and I will never be fine with what I do or have done. I am striving towards perfection; though I am well aware that I will never get that far.
Once upon a time I was intelligent and had an exceptional memory; remembering ever the slightest detail. I used to have a prosperous voice and art talent, though I never possessed any means to elaborate them any further, I always since I discovered my abilities tried to pursue the dreams of being something some day. I even took up on writing and had very good reviews from my teachers, but I realized that teachers see more in the students than what is actually there, and after reading what I was writing, I gave up on my 100p + novels - which never got finished - and writing and focused more on creating a bad personality.
I always pull the story of my li(f)e to every new person I meet, so why not give you the 5 min version here in text instead:
Naive childhood, ignoring my miserable conditions as the youngest and overlooked child of 3 in a poor family with a headache medicine abusing single mother. At the end of my childhood (age 7) I gained two younger siblings to steel the spotlight, and I just tried to melt into the background as good as I could, silently humming some made-up songs.
As with everyone else, school was horrible and I got kicked, spit on, hit, taunted and ignored alongside every other shit kids does towards one another. Though I always loved studying and sort of idolized the teachers as sources of information, and for the reason that they more or less were the only ones to ever bother with me.
I had one friend through elementary school; she was my everything and still love her to death, even though we were abruptly forbidden to ever meet again. I stalk her on the internet, but she has little use for me nowadays as she is busy being screwed up by her horrible childhood.
High school was for me like for everyone; hell on earth. By this time I had long since stopped even noticing those who bullied me. I also slowly fell ill in some mysterious disease we are still yet to diagnose, except for a stupid hypothyreosis, and that kind of fucked up my plans of having a calm teenage period.
I was thrown out of my first high school due to the extent of the bullying that the students were causing disturbance to the classes. So I moved to my father and started "anew" in an even more narrow-minded school and found my second real friend. We had a very close and intimate relationship, and it was only possible due to our mutual feelings of disgust towards the thought of ever taking it into something even remotely sexual. He served me well as a friend all through both younger and older high school, and we remain friends til this day, but we do not see each other that much.
Older high school was more or less in a mist of lethargy, as my illness was raging through my body. I had to repeat one year due to absence. Year 1-2 I was in school every day, but once there I never managed to do anything but stare into the abyss. I was never depressed, just apathetic. And all the years up until then I was being scolded as being lazy, when my body just was not working.
I managed to graduate with "ok" grades this summer and am now just wallowing in my own dirt as I am too tired to do anything at all, except barely computer related things.
And so I am here;
I think way too much, and doing way too little. I used to be intelligent, but now... I am more of the waste that is left if you pick everything even slightly desirable out of a human being.
And another thing;
I consider myself gender neutral and have never gotten the big fuzz about gender, sexualities and social relations. Why does one have to sugarcoat everything one say and am? I am completely without boundaries and I am fine with it, except that there are downsides to it I have a hard time handling. I will never understand your facial expressions or why you suddenly got mad at me, but I try to guess.
I do not expect a single soul to read this shit, but I would be glad if anyone would care to take the time with it. Comments are more than welcome.
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