Not original, not special, nothing more than you, yet I grant myself an ego of extreme dimentions. I am one of those wannabe artists that keeps creating, eventhough it all sucks. I am better than many but still nothing to brag about; just your average internet user.
I am also one of those people with sky high expectations of oneself and I will never be fine with what I do or have done. I am striving towards perfection; though I am well aware that I will never get that far.
Once upon a time I was intelligent and had an exceptional memory; remembering ever the slightest detail. I used to have a prosperous voice and art talent, though I never possessed any means to elaborate them any further, I always since I discovered my abilities tried to pursue the dreams of being something some day. I even took up on writing and had very good reviews from my teachers, but I realized that teachers see more in the students than what is actually there, and after reading what I was writing, I gave up on my 100p + novels - which never got finished - and writing and focused more on creating a bad personality.
I always pull the story of my li(f)e to every new person I meet, so why not give you the 5 min version here in text instead:
Naive childhood, ignoring my miserable conditions as the youngest and overlooked child of 3 in a poor family with a headache medicine abusing single mother. At the end of my childhood (age 7) I gained two younger siblings to steel the spotlight, and I just tried to melt into the background as good as I could, silently humming some made-up songs.
As with everyone else, school was horrible and I got kicked, spit on, hit, taunted and ignored alongside every other shit kids does towards one another. Though I always loved studying and sort of idolized the teachers as sources of information, and for the reason that they more or less were the only ones to ever bother with me.
I had one friend through elementary school; she was my everything and still love her to death, even though we were abruptly forbidden to ever meet again. I stalk her on the internet, but she has little use for me nowadays as she is busy being screwed up by her horrible childhood.
High school was for me like for everyone; hell on earth. By this time I had long since stopped even noticing those who bullied me. I also slowly fell ill in some mysterious disease we are still yet to diagnose, except for a stupid hypothyreosis, and that kind of fucked up my plans of having a calm teenage period.
I was thrown out of my first high school due to the extent of the bullying that the students were causing disturbance to the classes. So I moved to my father and started "anew" in an even more narrow-minded school and found my second real friend. We had a very close and intimate relationship, and it was only possible due to our mutual feelings of disgust towards the thought of ever taking it into something even remotely sexual. He served me well as a friend all through both younger and older high school, and we remain friends til this day, but we do not see each other that much.
Older high school was more or less in a mist of lethargy, as my illness was raging through my body. I had to repeat one year due to absence. Year 1-2 I was in school every day, but once there I never managed to do anything but stare into the abyss. I was never depressed, just apathetic. And all the years up until then I was being scolded as being lazy, when my body just was not working.
I managed to graduate with "ok" grades this summer and am now just wallowing in my own dirt as I am too tired to do anything at all, except barely computer related things.
And so I am here;
I think way too much, and doing way too little. I used to be intelligent, but now... I am more of the waste that is left if you pick everything even slightly desirable out of a human being.
And another thing;
I consider myself gender neutral and have never gotten the big fuzz about gender, sexualities and social relations. Why does one have to sugarcoat everything one say and am? I am completely without boundaries and I am fine with it, except that there are downsides to it I have a hard time handling. I will never understand your facial expressions or why you suddenly got mad at me, but I try to guess.
I do not expect a single soul to read this shit, but I would be glad if anyone would care to take the time with it. Comments are more than welcome.
I am also one of those people with sky high expectations of oneself and I will never be fine with what I do or have done. I am striving towards perfection; though I am well aware that I will never get that far.
Once upon a time I was intelligent and had an exceptional memory; remembering ever the slightest detail. I used to have a prosperous voice and art talent, though I never possessed any means to elaborate them any further, I always since I discovered my abilities tried to pursue the dreams of being something some day. I even took up on writing and had very good reviews from my teachers, but I realized that teachers see more in the students than what is actually there, and after reading what I was writing, I gave up on my 100p + novels - which never got finished - and writing and focused more on creating a bad personality.
I always pull the story of my li(f)e to every new person I meet, so why not give you the 5 min version here in text instead:
Naive childhood, ignoring my miserable conditions as the youngest and overlooked child of 3 in a poor family with a headache medicine abusing single mother. At the end of my childhood (age 7) I gained two younger siblings to steel the spotlight, and I just tried to melt into the background as good as I could, silently humming some made-up songs.
As with everyone else, school was horrible and I got kicked, spit on, hit, taunted and ignored alongside every other shit kids does towards one another. Though I always loved studying and sort of idolized the teachers as sources of information, and for the reason that they more or less were the only ones to ever bother with me.
I had one friend through elementary school; she was my everything and still love her to death, even though we were abruptly forbidden to ever meet again. I stalk her on the internet, but she has little use for me nowadays as she is busy being screwed up by her horrible childhood.
High school was for me like for everyone; hell on earth. By this time I had long since stopped even noticing those who bullied me. I also slowly fell ill in some mysterious disease we are still yet to diagnose, except for a stupid hypothyreosis, and that kind of fucked up my plans of having a calm teenage period.
I was thrown out of my first high school due to the extent of the bullying that the students were causing disturbance to the classes. So I moved to my father and started "anew" in an even more narrow-minded school and found my second real friend. We had a very close and intimate relationship, and it was only possible due to our mutual feelings of disgust towards the thought of ever taking it into something even remotely sexual. He served me well as a friend all through both younger and older high school, and we remain friends til this day, but we do not see each other that much.
Older high school was more or less in a mist of lethargy, as my illness was raging through my body. I had to repeat one year due to absence. Year 1-2 I was in school every day, but once there I never managed to do anything but stare into the abyss. I was never depressed, just apathetic. And all the years up until then I was being scolded as being lazy, when my body just was not working.
I managed to graduate with "ok" grades this summer and am now just wallowing in my own dirt as I am too tired to do anything at all, except barely computer related things.
And so I am here;
I think way too much, and doing way too little. I used to be intelligent, but now... I am more of the waste that is left if you pick everything even slightly desirable out of a human being.
And another thing;
I consider myself gender neutral and have never gotten the big fuzz about gender, sexualities and social relations. Why does one have to sugarcoat everything one say and am? I am completely without boundaries and I am fine with it, except that there are downsides to it I have a hard time handling. I will never understand your facial expressions or why you suddenly got mad at me, but I try to guess.
I do not expect a single soul to read this shit, but I would be glad if anyone would care to take the time with it. Comments are more than welcome.
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