I hate doctors and the government

Something is really wrong when dying is more attractive than living, and you actually WANT to live so badly that you keep a mantra of "I want to live! I want to live!" whenever you're feeling bad.

I am so terribly sick and tired of doctors and hospitals! They keep pushing me around and I never get any help! I desperately need to get part time put as sick, and what I need even more is to find out what's wrong with this useless piece of s*it body that I have, and repair it so that I can get energy enough to at least be alert and awake for 8 hours a day.

Both the Unemployment centre and the social services wants me half time on sick leave, but the doctors won't even touch me. They don't seem to understand that you can't be ill and work at the same time, because if they worked 25% they'd earn more than I could earn even if I found someone to hire me 100%. I'd get fired after three months though, but WHO CARES ABOUT THAT?

As long as I'm ill I can't study either, so even though I have the mind and aspirations to become high educated, I can't. OH YEAH! Make sure I'll never contribute t the society, and then kill myself with the motivation "I wanted to LIVE" and thus every single penny spent on me has been a waste. Way to go government!

Grr mrrr grawr...

One more?

Well, I can not say I am not used to it, but it always surprises me every time. I was going to write something here earlier today, but I thought "nah, nothing has really happened to me yet" and idled a little more. But not too long ago a person I thought I was very close to - for being me - all of a sudden just... Said good bye and wished me a better life. I think she just quit our friendship. I must say I never saw it coming, and apparently the reason why was that my life is so meaningless and pointless because all I have in my life is a weak and sick body and Foxy.

I mean; I always knew I was no fun, but she visited here not too long ago and we had fun, or so I though. I have no idea what to say. I am getting good byes all the time, but not often like this; so clean cut and without the slightest hint of warning.

I just lost faith in a little bit more of humanity, and in my ability to make friends. I do not know why I am crying, but for some reason I am.

And funny thing is I have no-one to talk to about it either because... The one I had just quit my friendship, the other one does not care the slightest and the third and last one went to Barcelona yesterday.

I think I will go and try to manage this, that feels like a betrayal.

Over and out.