I hate doctors and the government

Something is really wrong when dying is more attractive than living, and you actually WANT to live so badly that you keep a mantra of "I want to live! I want to live!" whenever you're feeling bad.

I am so terribly sick and tired of doctors and hospitals! They keep pushing me around and I never get any help! I desperately need to get part time put as sick, and what I need even more is to find out what's wrong with this useless piece of s*it body that I have, and repair it so that I can get energy enough to at least be alert and awake for 8 hours a day.

Both the Unemployment centre and the social services wants me half time on sick leave, but the doctors won't even touch me. They don't seem to understand that you can't be ill and work at the same time, because if they worked 25% they'd earn more than I could earn even if I found someone to hire me 100%. I'd get fired after three months though, but WHO CARES ABOUT THAT?

As long as I'm ill I can't study either, so even though I have the mind and aspirations to become high educated, I can't. OH YEAH! Make sure I'll never contribute t the society, and then kill myself with the motivation "I wanted to LIVE" and thus every single penny spent on me has been a waste. Way to go government!

Grr mrrr grawr...

Facelift?

Well.. Today this blog got a little facelift. I went from green to blue, oh mai!

Abstract art to pixel art.

Today's been a good and a bad day. Mostly good though. I got money for this month, I found the ink pens I've been looking to buy for years in the down town book store. Melons are on sale this week and Hanna gave me her old phone, so now I won't have to bother with my old battery-dying phone.

I went to a manifestation to support the dead and hurt people of "Ship to Gaza", and I guess it was nice, considering the circumstances. Afterwards, me and gholen went to a place called "the brewery" which is a youth hangout. We talked a little with the ones working there, listened to/watched the news and then we decided to get ourselves home.

And once home I've been making the pixel art. I started on it saturday before father came to pick me up. Took longer than I thought.

Now I'm off to bed.

G'night.

Working it out

I'm a bag of skin with bones in it. If I hit something it's the bone against the inside of the skin that hurts rather than the impact on the outside of it.

But I'm working on. Tomorrow is my meeting with the social worker lady. Can't say I look forward to it. This month has been shamelessly poor for me since I haven't received the payment from the unemployment-thing. Half this month's budget is gone. I am not going to make it if I don't get those money, and the people at the unemployment station haven't responded to any of my mails. In fact, I haven't heard from them in almost two months. I think it's rather alarming and uncomfortable.

But I am looking forward to going away over Christmas and new years. I will be served with cooking orders so I am ensured to eat properly. I can't wait to cook for more than two.

It's hard trying to keep up and at it. But I will keep doing my best. I want my muscles and health back.

Cheers!

Autumn is eminent

I am more or less EXPLODING with lust to draw. Not sure my body is with me on it though...

Today it went surprisingly well to draw. Maybe because I was reading tutorials all night (reading not doing) or maybe because I was watching trees today.

The meeting went well and providing I will get the money from the job thing stuff arranged by the government everything will work out fine. I will get to live the next two months. Hopefully I get treatment too, but we will see about that.

I think my next project will be some fan art :X

G'night all!

Living on...

Well, tummy still ain't fine and head is spinning as usual, but I am trying to look that aside and try and stay fine anyway.

Tomorrow I have a meeting at the social services to decide my economical future the next two months. Hopefully I can pay my bills. And I have finally gotten a doctor's appointment the 3rd of November. Only took me 4 phone calls and more than 1 and a half months waiting.

I want some god-damn treatment and I rather have it before I give in physically.

Well...

I guess I have other stuff to do.

G'night.

Useless Work

It feels so futile to do things one know is in vain, just to survive! I had to apply for 10 different kinds of jobs today for the meeting at the social services tomorrow, or I would not be granted money for my survival, so I got up early (for being me) and applied for them all.

The thing is; I KNOW I will not be able to perform any of the jobs I applied for due to my lousy health. I am working on getting a time at a doctor, but it is WAY too hard, and I have to go through loads of shit. So now I need to get my journal from my old care center in order to be able to even book a time at a doctor's office.

Other than applying for jobs, I had a fit and put on makeup and started to photograph myself posing as a girl. I threw it into photoshop and voila! A really nice self-portrait. And as if that was not enough; I decided to make a new background here too, using that and an other thing I threw together by using some pictures I googled out.

I should probably go to bed soon in order to prepare for the meeting tomorrow. I really hope they will not revoke my support, then I will half and half die.

G'night Alles.