I am happy today

Today I can really relate to a thing my friend Yonas talks about a lot; being happy when other people aren't. I think the biggest difference between me and Yonas is that I feel guilty for feeling good when others does not regardless of their attitude towards me. Yes, there are a lot of people trying to drag you down when you are feeling good, pulling you down into their pit of despair. But I feel guilty even if the unhappy one's are actually happy for me. I don't know if it is because I'm a selfless person who rather gives away my own happiness to other people, or if I'm some kind of self centred person who can't believe in other people's ability to create their own happiness, and thus pitying them.

But today I have felt happy and sentimental all day. It's a good feeling and I'm innocently happy for practically no reason. There are two things I need to be truly happy; my Foxy and a healthy body. But even though I only posses one of them, I'm still pretty happy.

A lot of people doesn't like my lifestyle; I'm living with a person who doesn't pay rent or help out whit household chores. In their eyes I can't justify why I/we are living like this and I wonder why I have to. There is nothing I can say about this without sounding like a naïve used person with the classic excuse "but it makes me happy so I cloud my eyes and pretend everything is fine" but I am very well aware that it seems like it and that nothing I say can change how it looks to someone else.
But I value having someone loving me unconditionally and being there for me 24/7, taking care of my emotional and mental needs as well as my physical.

I put high demands on Foxy; he needs to heed my every call. He does prepare food most of the time lately and it's my choice to not let him clean and do chores because I am not comfortable with him doing those for several reasons that aren't logical. In a way I keep him trapped in a cage because I need him to be there for me all of the time as I never know when my body will break down. And the reason I am supporting both of us is because dealing with the authorities for more money is such a pain. We are both unemployed and both of us are looking for a job. It's not like Foxy sits at home scratching his ass all day living the sweet life of a free-loader. If it was reversed I would have lived off of him with the same conditions.

But having him here is my joy and I'm happy to feed him. There's not much difference economically between having him here and living alone except the food price. And for food I get mental, emotional and physical security. And lots of love. I can almost live on love, or rather, his love is what is keeping me alive. I have never cared about living or dying before I met him. So everyone that treasure me should embrace him.

Speaking about money... I need to apply for some jobs (even though I have a full time internship, wooohooo) and I'm just so increadably happy we don't have to do this double up. I sure hope I can get a certain job I have applied for, because if I do it's bye bye social support and hello independent living with the ability to SAVE money. I really loath the paperwork that comes with being unemployed.

But having my foxy here, I'd pay millions!!! But I give him something that money could never buy him: myself. Somehow though, I still feel like I am getting the better deal. And I guess that is what matters.

G'day yall.