Disappointed

I know I said I was gonna tell about the weekend now, but no. I have to vent some pathetic self pitiful whining first.

There's been so many good things happening to me lately, that I've been happily detaching myself from myself. But yesterday it hit me, and today I've just realized so many things I didn't want to admit.

I don't want to be disappointed in myself, I don't want to know how ugly I am, how stupid I am or how incapable I am. I don't want to admit how unskilled I am, and something I never wanted to loose, I am loosing; my perfect memory. What I remember is just fine, but it's all from far back and it takes longer and longer for me to find the memories. I'm a complete mental mess in the sense that I have no clue about anything. If I didn't know better, I'd think someone was drugging me.

I can't voice my thoughts, everything I say sounds so wrong, not to mention stupid. And I do a lot of stupid things too. I act like a complete airhead and act before I even try to think. I'm completely empty-headed. It's like I can't see any options, there are too many so I have no clue what to do, and instead I just act on instinct which normally makes me end up as bright as I was yesterday.

I'm  not happy with what I am. I am ok with who I am, and in my own egoistic point of view I'm pretty ok, and I like myself quite a lot. Then I take a look in the mirror, and realize I'm not at all like I imagine.

I am not friends with my exterior at all. Not only is my body a piece of junk function-wise, it's ugly and extremely hard to dress. The clothes I like looks godawful on me, and the clothes that suits my body type I hate. I really can't accept that I have a female body, and I can't accept that people see me as one.

I've been trying to embrace the fact since there's not much else I can do. But... I just.. can't. I'm too self aware and I hate it when people treat me like a girl, because I looks so downright girly. I was built to breed, nothing more nothing less, but not even that I can nor do I want to do. I don't have a mind suitable for offspring. I hate children, I don't even like the children in my family.

I don't know what to do with myself. I don't like this at all. And becoming dis-associative isn't working either. I just want to crawl under a rock and never meet anyone ever again.

Now I'm gonna hide under the blanket and wonder what to do about myself.