So I've been doing some more practice on anatomy, and I thought I'd provide you with some of the progress:

And for the sake of doodling:

And just for some more proper practice I borrowed my guild leader's character and drew her a bit sexily.

 

So I know I have much to learn in the hip-ass-groin area, but I'm better now than before. Also, I think I'm getting better at drawing legs.

Now if I colour this or not, I am yet to decide.

Now, onto whatever I wasn't doing.

Need Moar Nekkid Gurls

Today I've done a lot of female anatomy training. Not very nice results but better than when I started today. You don't get to see it though since it's naked (and mostly awkward and ugly) along with that I'm terribly lazy.

I really hope we buy a new computer soon so I can actually draw whenever I want to digitally. I can shoo Foxy from the big computer, but it's so annoying to set up... takes so much time I loose interest in drawing, especially if it's just doodles.

Finding references for naked girls is hard, especially if you don't want to look at porn.

At least I found a good youtube channel in learning how to draw girls.

More pics to come soon, I hope.

April's fool

My Aprils fool on myself was thinking it was April 2nd today.

Yesterday I got this huge craving and hunger for mashed potatoes and lingonberry jam. I had no potatoes so I had to wait until night when I was meeting a friend to buy the potatoes. I barely made it to the store as we arrived there two minutes before it closed. I sneaked passed the security guy just as he was heading to the door to lock it. it's the first time I make mashed potatoes at home, and I did notice the fail in my masher being in plastic. I thought it'd be sturdier. So I suppose I need to get a proper one someday soon.

What was less nice yesterday though was that an acquaintance of mine and the roomie of my friend got attacked and beaten by a gang of guys, provoked only by her appearance; pink hair and chubby. It makes me so angry that guys do that. They deserve having their balls ripped of because they definitely don't need it. Or use them.

I'm gonna leave it at that and be happy about booking a time to meet up with my best friend. We haven't met this year at all, and I do miss him a lot.

Now onto drawing nakkid gurls.

Design draft

I have gotten my first cold of the year, and I'm almost back to health now. Not fun.

Today I've sketched together a design that I'm gonna work on. This is what it looks like so far:

Now the commissioner wants it to be a bit different, and I'm gonna edit it that way. Note that this is a picture, not a print-screen of the codes. I didn't bother trying to make anything proper image-wise since it's just a sketch.

I woke up early tonight and couldn't fall asleep again, so I did some picture editing for my friend, so that he can make a new blog design. I hope he's happy with what I did, but I won't know for a while since he's not online yet.

For the rest of the day I suppose a nice warm shower and some gameing training awaits me.

Webdesign?

I got this urge to get back on my webdesigning. I'm making a design for a friend, without her knowledge. Just for the sake of practice. I don't know if she'll want to use it, but I would be happy if she did. (That means my design in pleasing her)

So far all I can share is this one pic:

And it's yet to be coloured. I'm too slow and tired to be bothered with that atm. I get really demotivated when I have to use my laptop to draw; it constantly crashes because the RAM is broken and it tries to compensate by using the hard-drive's memory, which isn't enough.

I will be doing more anatomy practice some time soon. I hope.

Well, that's it for today I assume.

Brownie in a Mug

So, a while ago I found this recipe at 9GAG for a brownie in a mug. I didn't save it but liked the idea. So yesterday I googled it and made one. It was tasty, so I made one today too. Easy, nommy!

Recipe:

1 normal mug
4 tablespoons flour
4 tablespoons sugar
2 tablespoons cocoa powder (the real deal, not anything with sugar in it like O'boy or drink mix)
2 tablespoons water
2 tablespoons vegetable-oil (any kind with neutral taste; I use rape-oil *hurr hurr*)
a tiiiny dash of salt

You mix the dry ingredients first, make sure you even out the flour-lumps and mix them in (scrape the bottom of the cup well!) then you add the water and oil. Once again, mix well and make sure to look for lumps because they taste bad if you leave them in. I prefer to use sliiightly less than a full oil tablespoon to minimum the oil taste.

Heat in microwave for 1-1½ min. Full heat and it's supposed to be a bit creamy in the middle when done.

Enjoy! Easy baking!

It's tasty I pwomise.

One cup should be enough to quench your thirst for sweets. If it doesn't, you need to learn to settle with that or else, you will get fat.

So I'm still waiting to get my laundry outta there... only about 1h 15min until I can get down there... Bleh. Contemplating watching gw videos or taking a shower...

G'night.

Erp

Um, yes... Update!

The days really melt into one another when your day goes passed two days....

Today was a not so nice day. Woke up to go do laundry, and once down there, I find a man using one of my booked machines and he has trouble turning it off mid-program. So I'm late at putting in my laundry. I put it in, return to my apartment to prepare the next  round, go down to manage the machine, realize that I'm not gonna make it before nine o'clock but I believe I can run it as long as I can at least. Wrong.

Nine sharp (not 21:15 as it normally shuts off) the power is cut and I sigh, grab my still wet sheets from the dryer and attend to the washing machine. Only it won't open. the digital screen is all black and no button responds and the door is thoroughly locked. Great. The laundry room is closed on Sundays. After almost breaking the door of the machine, I give up and exit. I leave after booking a time on Monday morning first thing it opens.

So Monday morning before work I have to rewash that machine and hope the clothes haven't moulded.

*sigh*

At least I got my sheets out of there, and thank goodness I didn't was the set I'm dressing the bed with right now, because ALL my sheets are wet.

Oh well.

- Over and out.

Long time no see

I have a bad habit of getting embarrassed when I have been idling around with something and end up procrastinating it even further.

This blog is an example. First I had nothing to tell, then I felt bad for not updating and then the vicious circle of not updating went on.

I still don't have much to say, but I'll try to peek in some at least. If nothign else, for my art's sake.

So if you're still around, I'll be comming back now. O-mata se shimashita.

Halloween contest

So I entered the 2011 Official Guild Wars Halloween competition. I was gonna make a slightly different piece and turn in, but it never went my way so I made what turned out to be the actual entry as vent-art for having what I wanted to make turn out crappy. It's the same mood, the same setting just not the same composition as I was originally working on.

I did a slight colour touch-up on the entry I submitted, and below you can see before and after the touch up.

And so now we see what happens there. I have no expectations, but you never know. At most I could get an honourable mention, and I'd be thrilled about that. I don't think I'd be selected for that. It's more autumny than halloweenish. But meh. I figured I'd give it a try. At least the good art that was submitted has something to shine in comparison with.

Plenty time for halloween and autumn pics. I just gotta get my hiny out there to photograph some reference pics for backgrounds.

Well then. I suppose I'll go on with whatever I was doing.

Been busy with nothing

So, lately I have been doodling a little and drawing some, but very little actually got finished.

I've been pretty busy with what seems to be nothing. Work and sleep, that's all I do, or so it feels like at least. My body isn't very happy, but I'm ignoring it as I normally do.

My primary focus art-wise right now is the Halloween workshop in Guild Wars Guru, or my entry into it actually. It's going slow as I'm not especially happy with what I've made. Now I got a pic I feel a bit more positive about, but it's just a sketch and I'm already having perspective problems...

So all you get from me right now is a quick little chibi-doodle.

Loosing what's important

Tonight I dreamt about a friend I lost. Someone who one day just got fed up with me and left. That does happen ever so often, and they are all very dear to me so it kinda hurts a lot when they do. The dream was a prolonged scene of our friendship and how much I enjoyed having her as a friend, then came rejection upon rejection. I had to suffer through those feelings of her still being my friend in my heart, while she completely ignored me or spat at me. Nothing mean bitchy, just plain "I want none to do with you".

I've more or less just about gotten over the hurt, but that dream tore up the wound again. Not as big as before; it's like cutting in scar-tissue; it's rougher to cut in so the wound isn't as big, you can't feel as much and scar-tissue doesn't bleed as much either. It's been two and a half year now, I wonder why it's still a bit sensitive.

I'm used to being "dumped". People tiring of me is not a new phenomenon and I've long since accepted that 1. that's how people work 2. I'm not perfect. But it is still people I love and cherish.

At the moment I'm really happy that I still have Yonas. I do have some other up and rising friends, but I just am a very lonesome person. I can't trust people, and when I do they leave, roughly put. Luckily it's been a long time since I got hurt and betrayed in a mean and terrible way by someone I trusted whom then turned it's back to me. The people I've had as friends are in general of a very high standard personality and character-wise. They normally just end the friendship and then stay as far away from me as possible, probably not even mentioning my name ever again. But Loosing people I trust still adds to my distrust and hesitation to trust people.

I really hope my new friends will have patience with me in the meantime. It feels really mean to not be able to say that I trust them, while I act as if I do, hoping they'll not hurt me. I cherish them still, and I hope that one day I will consider them true friends at heart.

I'm still a doormat to the people I want to be friends with. I'm terribly easy to use and abuse since I'm so overseeing and accepting. And quite frankly, I expect to be used since I'm such an easy target. I wish those I hold never will hesitate to ask me for a hand though, because recently, I feel as if I'm on the receiving end. I rather be the giver, because other people's happiness is my happy.

I wish I could tell that former friend how much I appreciated her, and how much I regret not seeing that I was a bother. There weren't any time to redeem myself, and sadly, I'm not much more fun today. But she brought me a lot of happiness and made me feel as if I had someone who understood me. I don't think I'll ever get a friend like her again.

And I also hope that those who consider me a friend, never will. I treasure each one of you, and if you decide one day that your life has no space for me, then I will always be happy about the time I got from you.

G'night. No art for you today.

Guild Wars again

So, I've started to play Guild Wars again. 6h today, 4h yesterday and BOY did I miss it! I've been starting to try and gather up some items to trade in for the Halloween event's special items. And when I farm, I just play the dang game because I'm only getting them for my own amusement anyway.

And to get into the spirit of Halloween I'm starting to draw my necro:

Art-wise I'm trying to master anatomy. For some reason the bodies turn out super weird when I do the "proper technique" so I had to edit the blueprint sketch I made for this pic several times, and the feet still look like dough lumps.

What I'm trying to master the most is the hip/groin area. For some reason, I'm just as bad at that as I am with armpits. Yes, armpits, boobs and hips. Evil they are. What's the hardest for me when it comes to the groin area is the hipbones, the fat-distribution where the ass meet the leg and the gender area itself. I really can't draw it properly. Male groins are not to be spoken of... I make a bulge and that's that. Just looking at penis/groin tutorials makes me wanna cry. My life model though is a bit easier for my mind and fear of genders (more like utter and complete disgust loath abhor rather than fear) but I still can't draw it... Ugh...

Would be nice if I could make some cute pin-ups. Only for the sake of that I for some reason have the impression that all good artist should be able to draw a pin-up. Probably because I have no sense of sexiness and find it extremely hard to make a pinup. Also, the poses used in drawings are very hard to do in real life, so I haven't seen much of them to study...

One thing I find very peculiar is that the more I practice drawing something, the worse I become at making it. It might have something to do with what Platon said (or was it Socrates?) "The more I know, the less I know I know". Or "The more I learn, the more I know how little I know". The results are still that it becomes uglier though. More correct I suppose, but uglier. Not in the "real life is uglier than prettified art"-way but just plain ugly.

Hopefully I'll get better though. I'm gonna use my "I'm so tired I don't know what I'm doing"-days to doodling, since doodles can be ugly. Like "U jelly" scull I made and the cheesy ugly doodles of one of my favorite original characters couple. Doodling is for art progress what eating is for the body. When I stopped doodling as I quit school I started to starve art-wise and easier got into art-blocks as well as I lost a little of the fun.

Now: Sleep.
Tomorrow: Colouring, more Guild Wars and hopefully food.

G'night.

More sensless whining

Do I really know what to make of myself? How do I become more serious without getting crushed by failure in life. I never became what I wanted. None of the things I aspired to be. I'm not a singer songwriter, heck, I'm not even a musician. I'm not a certified graphic designer/hired artist. I'm not a doctor. I'm, at this point, nothing.

I'm a waste of skin. I could have been so much, but this crappy body just put an end to it. Yet I'm filled with so much lust to live. But what for? I'm a social retard, and I'm living on starvation (almost at least, I'm just too good at using what little I have in an efficient way) as well as I am unable to do the things I want to do.

I'm walking in a haze. My hands, my mouth and my body move all on their own.

"Look at the shell that is you.
Empty, fragile, weak.
Soon the battle is over,
Lost to Apathy."

I'm not happy with what I am right now at all. I need to get away from this. I need change. I need a network to pull strings in, so that I can realize what I was meant to do. This bird can't stay in this cage, I need to fly to be able to sing.


And here's the lyrics to one of my songs:





Singing for an empty arena

Someones go to heaven, and someones go to hell.
Someones go to nothing, and get reborn again.
Living is for people who make suffering a fact.
Living is for nothing, and leaves you without a chance.


'Cause I'm singing for an empty arena.
I'm singing for an empty arena.
Noone listens in this empty arena,
I'm singing for an empty arena.


The show is long ago over, and everyone has left.
Singing is for nothing when noone's here to here.
Or was there ever someone here to hear at all?
Singing is for noting when I don't sing for those I should.


'Cause I'm singing for an empty arena.
I'm singing for an empty arena.
Noone listens in this empty arena,
I'm singing for an empty arena.


Noone listens in this empty arena.
I will die here in this empty arena.
I'm singing for an empty arena.



A bit repetitive, I agree. But I made it when I was 13.


Now I'll go and clear out some stuff from my apartment. I have way too much clatter, and I have no idea why I still have it...


Peace out. I'll complain some more some other day.

The Bird in a Cage

I really feel caged today. I really want to sing, I really want to make music; it's flowing through my veins, just waiting to get to make it's way out.

But I'm terribly bad at it. I sit with the instruments, and everything that emerges from my hands is shit. I can hear how it doesn't come out right. I suppose my dreams to become a musician are all fading away. True that I have to practice every day, but it's not very inspiring to sit alone with broken instruments and make music noone will ever hear.

What's making me feel even worse is the fact that I've been supported. For what? I'm not that special, I just slightly better at karaoke than the average person. I sing with feeling? Not really, you're just blinded by affection towards me. Every time I record myself it sounds like shit. I get headaches just from listening to myself sing. It was very naïve of me to think I'd have a future in music.

I've been trying to learn a Haste the Day song called  "Mad men" and it sounds terrible. I feel ashamed while I sing. Sadly though, I really want to learn how to sing it and make a cover on it. But I suppose it would be a disgrace to both me and the band who made it originally.

This isn't supposed to be a whine blog, but it's my feeling as they are now.

Back to... what?

I returned home the day before yesterday. I had a lovely time up there, despite the fact that there was no electricity. I confess to missing music and water toilets, but the mosquitos were more or less non-existent and I mostly mind not being able to take a hot shower.

But what did I return to? Sure, it's nice to resume contact with everyone, but that's about it. I'm still ill, there are still bills to pay and no job earning me enough to survive. And if I got one I probably wouldn't have the energy to perform it. It's hard to find a part time job easy enough for this wreck of a body, actually; it's hard to even find one at all!

Also, I come home to read what the social service and a so called psychiatrist wrote about me (I decided to part from them, not applying for money from them, mostly because they wanted to force me to do something I didn't want to do) in the closure files. There are fact mistakes everywhere, and the shrink just wanted to live in her own little word and saw what she wanted.

Reading those papers really brought back everything for why I don't like people and why I can't trust them. Everything is twisted in those papers. I wonder sometimes if it's even me they are talking about. But the worse part is the two-face. To me those social service women seemed reasonable and supportive. I thought they actually understood that I am ill, and how I feel. But in the papers they make me sound like I'm a lazy teenager who doesn't wanna grow up and is too caught up in a delusion of feeling bad that I can't feel good.

If I could change my health due to will, then by the goodness, I would do so! Long ago! Actually, I never would have been sick in the first place! Also, they tried to make my own observations about myself into something they observed and then they twist it. Like how I feel uncomfortable and dirty when my hair is dirty, they wrote it as if I had a bad hygiene and that I'm being filthy on purpose. Also, they wrote that my home was dirty. I do not have a dirty home! It's messy, and I don't want to show my mess. It's true that I sometimes don't do the dishes for three days, but when I do it, it's s spotlessly clean!

I feel so terribly disappointed in those people right now. I have a hard time believing that there even are any reasonable people in those systems. Why are only retards working for the social services? People who are even worse at reading others than I am. Compared to them, I'm a social mastermind.

And now I wonder... What next? What now? What is there for me in this life? And why do I wanna live so badly when there's no future for me? I imagine what will happen if I never get healthy again. What if I have to walk around in this mist of dizziness, headache and nausea? With this lethargy that's sucking me dry on everything? What am I gonna do when I'm alone? When I have noone to live for? What am I to do with myself?

I never amounted to anything. I never got good enough at singing, playing any instrument or writing lyrics. I never got good enough at drawing/painting. I'm not healthy enough to study on, or get a truck-driver's licence. I can't support myself as an unemployed.

And I don't want to live in this town with it's disgusting water.

...

Now I just got a call that put me out of my misery mood and put me into another. Oh well I'll live. We'll see what I do. Maybe I'll just go live in the gutter.