Train of thoughts for today

Today I've been thinking about whether or not I am good with technical stuff or just good at generally figuring stuff out. I've been thinking about why I only seem to be able to have a good conversation with people high in IQ. And I've been annoyed by phone hours.

I have become double booked on monday at 1pm. I tried to call to cancel one of the appointments yesterday, but noone would pic up the phone. So I tried calling today instead, and found out they don't have phone hours on fridays. YAY! And it costs me money (300 or so) to miss out on an appointment. The other appointment I can't cancel because I won't get any life-support money then.

Makes me mad. I've had that other appointment for 3 months, what are the odds? The same day, the same time?!

My neighbour is playing some techno-ish music. I think I have a new neighbour. the crying phone lady that lived there before, I haven't heard her in a while. And nobody made any noises but me before these last two and a half year I've lived here. The neighbour on the other wall (I have two walls facing other apartments, two different ones) does some vacuuming hitting the wall in the mornings, but that's ok. it's not very noisy; I sing in the shower. Not that that neighbour can hear it though but...

Well.. That's all for today.
Cheers!

Some people are dumb. I'm some people.

I don't like being called smart when I'm just knowledgeable. I'm actually very dumb, and I usually stupify myself even more around stupid people. If I don't, then there are two scenarios that happen; I feel much smarter than the others and thus feel alienated because I don't live in the same mental world as they do, they think of me as smart and pretentious in a bad way. When I make myself seem more stupid, I'm still not at their level, but it's easier if they feel as if they are being tolerant and mature. If I accidentally say something smart when pretending to be stupid, it sounds really stupid too, no harm done. But if I'm serious, I automatically start to have deeper conversations. And everyone involved looses from it because they struggle to understand me, which I expect them to and get disappointed when they don't.

I'm not really that bright, that's why it's so annoying when people say I'm smart. I can rarely take it as a compliment. Actually, I can almost only take it as a compliment when I hear it from a person more intelligent than I am, but not always. Mostly I think they're either patronizing me or comparing me to someone really stupid.

But I can understand why more intelligent people like to hang out with stupid people, pretending they are stupid themselves; it's not to gloat, but rather to forget about being smart. It's not always a gift to be gifted. I personally can't do it though. There's no challenge in hanging out with stupid people, other than how to not seem much smarter than them. That is a form of art I don't master, and it's hard to do it. There are two levels of intelligence, and it mostly vary in between those two states; feeling smart and being proud of it/gloating and realizing your own borders. Overconfident and realistic.

Some know where their borders are, some just are aware that they are brighter. Within these two states, there are sub behaviours. Like the realistic ones in their actions underestimates themselves because they are too aware of their boundaries. And some who are overconfident likes to push down less intelligent people while others just enjoy being smart. There are more behaviours but I assume you understand what I mean. I'm at a level where I know that at the times I feel like I'm smarter than some, I know it's just because of my ignorance I feel like that. My inability to see what they're seeing makes me think my vision is the best; I can see any better. But mostly I underestimate myself. I know my boundaries. I constantly try to push them though. And because I know I have a far way to go before I'd say I'm intelligent, I don't like when people say I am.

I don't feel or consider myself smart. I think I'm standard, average and normal. In my mind everyone is like me and have my abilities. When people don't, it annoys me in many ways because it feels like they are making themselves stupid on purpose. Because; in my mind, they can do what I can. It's not a matter of intelligence, it's just like how I like to imagine things.

And one thing I think is really important to know is;
It's a big difference in between knowing and understanding. Just because you know something, it doesn't mean you understand it.

Now I'm done ranting for today I think. I can blabber on for days, but I think it's fine now.

Today I've been requested to change the resolution of a desktop I've made (and am using) so that someone could use it. It made me happy. I like when people want to se my art :)

I'm off to bed now.
G'night.

I really don't like kids

I have nothing interesting to think about anymore, therefore I think about a little bit of everything, looking at things from different angles.

Like today; my two biggest inputs are people with children and alcoholics.

I see this alcoholic couple sitting in front of me on the bus, they stink so badly I throw up a little in my mouth several times, and their conversations... They ate completely brainless. How are those persons reasoning? Why would anyone want to become such a person? Maybe they never were anything much to begin with, or maybe they just never gave it a chance? Or they threw it away?

And due to today's events, I just keep on realizing I don not like children. It's like talking to a turtle and expect it to understand you and talk back to you. I really can't adjust to them and I have nothing in common with them.

I wonder what differs me from everyone else. I don't think I differ that much, and that makes me rather disgusted actually. There are a few decent people out there, some smarter than others. You don't have to be smart to be a good person, and you aren't automatically awesome just because you are smart.

Every time someone calls me intelligent I feel misjudged. I don't think I'm that intelligent, even though my current relationship theoretically builds on the fact that my partner thinks I'm brighter and more intelligent than everyone else he has ever met, except maybe for his mother; she is a very intelligent woman, and it's me doubting whom of us is the more intelligent one not my partner who hasn't expressed his opinion. I feel as if people see what they want to see in me. And I think I reflect my surroundings, or rather the people I'm with in a way that they either like me or dislike me because they see themselves in me.

I'm not very smart, I just used to have a wild imagination. I still do to some extent, I'm just to tired and uninspired to let it run. Lately I've become really slow, mix things up and it takes a while before I remember something. I don't forget much, I just need more time to find the memory in my head.

I wonder, what makes me seem smart? I don't think I have that "sharpness" that intelligent people have. The brighter a person is, the "sharper" I perceive them. Like Foxy's mother; if I had to describe her with one word I'd use "sharp" it's like she cuts the entire air around her with her mind. I don't mean it in a negative way, it's very neutral, but it creates a disadvantage to everyone bright enough to perceive that edge; you know she can outwit and analyze your every move. I'm fascinated and don't have a competitive nature in the moment. Yes, I do regret not being brighter than her, but it's not like I let it affect her or our relation.

I don't know if my "self control" is a sign of my intelligence or stupidity. I don't really let people affect me in the moment; I just take things in and bring it home with me to analyze. I can't say I don't get affected by people at all; I'm a human, it's impossible to not be affected by impressions. I just rationalize it before I get affected.

I'd really like to have an intellectual discussion about what make me seem intelligent, and what would actually be true. Normally I'd talk about this with Foxy, but I have a shortage of Foxies around me right now. And we are kinda stuck in the fact that I'm intelligent, that's why Foxy likes me. I've been talking about it a little bit too much, so it just makes me seem insecure, mostly because I don't really dare to go out full blown - because I don't want him to leave me when the main thing for the relationship crumbles and falls - and it's kinda stupid to be arguing for the fact that you're stupid. I'm not stupid, just not as smart as people tell me I am.

I'm a copy-cat. Once I was amazed by my friend Jixi because she was so smart, so I decided that I wanted to be smart too, so I read a lot, and listened to what she had read (which was way much more than I could read) and learned it too. "Monkey see monkey do" - that's the theme of my entire being. I just choose what to look at.

G'night y'all.