I really don't like kids

I have nothing interesting to think about anymore, therefore I think about a little bit of everything, looking at things from different angles.

Like today; my two biggest inputs are people with children and alcoholics.

I see this alcoholic couple sitting in front of me on the bus, they stink so badly I throw up a little in my mouth several times, and their conversations... They ate completely brainless. How are those persons reasoning? Why would anyone want to become such a person? Maybe they never were anything much to begin with, or maybe they just never gave it a chance? Or they threw it away?

And due to today's events, I just keep on realizing I don not like children. It's like talking to a turtle and expect it to understand you and talk back to you. I really can't adjust to them and I have nothing in common with them.

I wonder what differs me from everyone else. I don't think I differ that much, and that makes me rather disgusted actually. There are a few decent people out there, some smarter than others. You don't have to be smart to be a good person, and you aren't automatically awesome just because you are smart.

Every time someone calls me intelligent I feel misjudged. I don't think I'm that intelligent, even though my current relationship theoretically builds on the fact that my partner thinks I'm brighter and more intelligent than everyone else he has ever met, except maybe for his mother; she is a very intelligent woman, and it's me doubting whom of us is the more intelligent one not my partner who hasn't expressed his opinion. I feel as if people see what they want to see in me. And I think I reflect my surroundings, or rather the people I'm with in a way that they either like me or dislike me because they see themselves in me.

I'm not very smart, I just used to have a wild imagination. I still do to some extent, I'm just to tired and uninspired to let it run. Lately I've become really slow, mix things up and it takes a while before I remember something. I don't forget much, I just need more time to find the memory in my head.

I wonder, what makes me seem smart? I don't think I have that "sharpness" that intelligent people have. The brighter a person is, the "sharper" I perceive them. Like Foxy's mother; if I had to describe her with one word I'd use "sharp" it's like she cuts the entire air around her with her mind. I don't mean it in a negative way, it's very neutral, but it creates a disadvantage to everyone bright enough to perceive that edge; you know she can outwit and analyze your every move. I'm fascinated and don't have a competitive nature in the moment. Yes, I do regret not being brighter than her, but it's not like I let it affect her or our relation.

I don't know if my "self control" is a sign of my intelligence or stupidity. I don't really let people affect me in the moment; I just take things in and bring it home with me to analyze. I can't say I don't get affected by people at all; I'm a human, it's impossible to not be affected by impressions. I just rationalize it before I get affected.

I'd really like to have an intellectual discussion about what make me seem intelligent, and what would actually be true. Normally I'd talk about this with Foxy, but I have a shortage of Foxies around me right now. And we are kinda stuck in the fact that I'm intelligent, that's why Foxy likes me. I've been talking about it a little bit too much, so it just makes me seem insecure, mostly because I don't really dare to go out full blown - because I don't want him to leave me when the main thing for the relationship crumbles and falls - and it's kinda stupid to be arguing for the fact that you're stupid. I'm not stupid, just not as smart as people tell me I am.

I'm a copy-cat. Once I was amazed by my friend Jixi because she was so smart, so I decided that I wanted to be smart too, so I read a lot, and listened to what she had read (which was way much more than I could read) and learned it too. "Monkey see monkey do" - that's the theme of my entire being. I just choose what to look at.

G'night y'all.