Wall of text

Rest in piece you pathetic lonely child.
Nobody wants you, nobody likes you.
You have no friends for a reason.
Quit grabbing for things you can not have.
Quit trying to bring yourself up.
Dirt is born dirt and will always remain dirt.

You're not cool or original,
you can't fool anyone.
I could give you that you are odd,
weird and unlike us others,
but certainly not in a nice way.

Get away you abomination of a child,
we don't want to see your disgusting face.
We don't want you, we don't need you. T
here's no room for you here.
Get away you ugly, go away.

Ugly child - by Aizic


I'm not fooling myself anymore; nobody wants to hang around me very much and nobody gives a dang about me really. Well, there are two persons I know actually cares for me, and if I can bring anything into their lives I'm glad. I'm the usable type. If I care for someone I don't mind being exploited because then I serve a purpose to someone and they have a need for me. I want to be needed and I want to have people depending on me. If I was stronger and lonelier to bigger extent also desperate, I'd even make sure to blackmail people so that they feel that they have to stay close to me. But of course, I prefer being used as it puts me in a better light. I rather be stepped on and comfort the underside of someone's feet than being a big thorn in someone's side. But take note; I choose who can use me, and I never give what I don't have or don't want to give.

I know there are some casual acquaintances that are pretty found of me, or at least wouldn't mind hanging out ever now and then when they can spare the time. But there's no one I'd bother calling when I'm ill and need help, except for those specific two, though I'd pull on it as much as I could. Those two by the way (I'm not really that found of names, but I feel a need to namedrop them anyway) are Foxy and Yonas. Foxy is mostly there when I'm ill and I don't really need anyone else than Foxy. Keeping others around me is part waste of time, part clinging on to the passed and part ensuring that if I'd ever be without Foxy, I'll still have someone to care about, because I care.

Yonas and Jixi are my two favourite people to care about. Though me and Jixi don't hang out any more, and I don't even know if you can call us friends because I seem more like an e-stalker with a one way communication. Never the less! Creepily enough - as the stalker and emotionally fucked up overwhelming I am - I promised her that I'd love her for the rest of my life, and I most likely will. There's no doubt in my mind that once I actually meant something to her and she valued me back about as much as I valued her.

Yonas on the other hand, him and I are still friends and our friendship is closing in on being longer than the active time of friendship me and Jixi had. Yonas values me, and I believe he does so genuinely. I'm not the sunshine in his life, but at least I'm one of the pretty stars on his night sky. I don't expect anything from him but I'd still give him everything. I know that he is far more important to me than I am to him, but that's how all my relationships have been. I've never met anyone who can love as much as I can. I have a huge distrust against people and am horridly coloured by the relations that I've had. I constantly believe that people are going to get bored with me and leave me without telling me any other reason, and or never really liked me to begin with.

I think most people face my distrust, and then just decides that they are going to prove me wrong, dead seriously. But, as time progress, they'll realize I'll probably never will trust them or put any expectations on them and if I do, we're talking years.

To add the fact that I'm having a huge personality difference in between hanging out people I'm not trying to have a relation with and people I want around me. I go from being so independent that nothing could rock me out of my shoes to clinging to tight around you that you can't breathe, smothering you even more with affection you can't respond to in the same manner nor amount. And getting to know, even being honestly told, that someone you consider a friend doesn't trust you is very disheartening. Also, a tad bit contradicting to all the affection I throw out. "I love you! But I don't trust you at all."

Yonas, I think is at ease with it. He knows I trust him more than pretty much anyone else besides Foxy. He also knows I will leave him space for his life, with and without me. Nowadays it's more without me, but when we still attended school together I just showed up sometimes, and hung around him like a belt; comfy sometimes, less comfy other times and in the way at certain situations. I popped up and disappeared a little whenever and all the time trying to compensate between my "need" for him and the mood around him as in was I wanted there or not.

Thing is, I'm a bit too much for one person to handle but I only want to hang around with one person - a soul mate. The soul mate doesn't need to be a lover, though I don't mind a combination of the two to reduce the amount of people I need around me and/or the amount of myself I need to suppress/delete from existence.

I've cut and sliced in myself so much over the years that I don't know who I am any more. And I mean it more psychologically than physically.

I think I'm having a slight bit of an identity crisis. It's nothing bad, it's just the identity crisis I should have had in my early teens, but didn't because I was too busy trying to handle it.

I started my identity by mending with Jixi, but then we got ripped apart abruptly and then I guess I fell out of her life. I stood kinda still for quite some time, still trying to mend and grow with Jixi believing that one day she'd break free from her prison and come back to me. When I deep down started to realize, though not yet stopping myself from hoping, that she wasn't going to come back for me; she was leaving me behind; it was then I slowly started to look for another soul mate. What I met was people promising me heaven and left me with nothing but a bigger hole in my heart and self. I want to take someone in and grow along with it. I want someone to synchronize with and form an item with. Someone just like me.

I can see why some would get children, with these types of feeling; you create someone who is pretty similar to you and whom is forced to depend on you for years before it can even start to think about separating from you successfully. But I don't want offspring. I don't want to carry myself on. I want to find that part of myself that's missing.

But thinking about it, I'm more likely to be successful only if I try to stitch up that hole inside me and pretend as if it never was there to begin with. I'll be mutilated and look misshaped, but I'll probably manage better than with a big gaping wound filled with pus and gore.

I don't really know what to do with myself, and the person I want to talk to about this, isn't here. To top it of, I don't know when I'll see him the next time either.


Now I'm going to shower, and wonder why I wrote this which nobody will read.
G'night.