How much longer?

I really don't feel well. I'm dizzy, queasy and beyond tired. Eating is so painful, I get a blood pressure drop every time I put something in my mouth, and it hurts where the ribs end on my right side. My stomach/gut feels like it's burning up or being dissolved by acid. I feel pressure on the sides of my head, and sometimes it hurts too. I get this pressure pain that's shifting from the bone under my left eye to behind my left eye. It spreads over my entire face. My limbs fall asleep all of a sudden. Mainly my arms, but if I lean with my elbow on my knees the leg from the knee and down is numbing away almost immediately after I put my elbow/arm there. I can't focus, and if I do I feel incredibly strained.

And then there's the night time. I can't sleep. When I'm about to sleep I start to hallucinate, and I've done some more or less severely the last week. For a long time I've been seeing shadows move around, but I always figured it was just my imagination, but now I actually see stuff. The first night I actually saw something take form I saw a tuna jar, then moments later, I sat up, eyes wide open and clearly awake, only to find gigantic blue fingerprints in the ceiling. It wasn't an optical illusion. Other nights I've only seen shapes and sometimes objects. When I open my eyes I see something before me, then I realize I don't have such a thing in the room, and where I'm looking, it should be completely empty, but it isn't, so it goes away after a short while. Last night I saw a person, or parts of a person.

But what also is strange is how my body is starting to fight sleep. At first I just got uneasy, then scared for no reason at the sight of the moving shadows I normally see, with pulse rising. I was telling myself I was only being silly because I'm sleeping alone. Strangely enough, I was fine when I lived alone but for some reason now, my body is biologically screaming that something's wrong. I've managed to calm down. I don't get scared, but my body is pushing, as if my life is depending on staying awake. I get an adrenalin rush and a heartbeat ready for flight just when I'm about to hit the sleep, and it turns me wide awake and I have to start over again trying to fall asleep before I faint.

I get these pains, like I'm being pierced with a large, thick kinda dull needle. It mostly appears when I'm trying to sleep, and mostly in one place at the time. Mainly I feel it in my right leg, in the muscle or bone under the knee, slightly above the middle of the lower leg, and in my left leg. Also it appears where the bicep muscle attach to the bone on the upper arms, both of them. Also I get it in the things on my chest, usually being referred to as "breasts" in women. Mainly my left one. Is there a lump there? To me my entire chest glands are lumps so no, not really. I can feel the rib there though.

I've been continuously getting worse for years. My body is rejecting food, my thyroid gland is so large I constantly feel like I've got something stuck in my throat, or someone choking me. I get less and less energy and I'm loosing more and more of my thoughts. I'm like a wandering airhead.

I wonder more and more seriously how much time I have left on this earth. Every time I feel dizzy, queasy or like I'm going to fall into pieces, I desperately think I want to live! and repeat it almost like a mantra until I feel better.

I go from hot to cold. One minute I'm sweating like a pig (well, severely much more than I normally do, and I normally don't sweat at all) and the next one I'm cold as an icicle.

How much longer am I gonna be able to live on sheer willpower? When are they going to find out what's wrong with me? Why do I continue to get worse when I so desperately want to get better? I want to be healthy, I want to be able to draw again, I want to be able go outside and enjoy the spring. I want to exercise, swim, run, bike... I want energy. I want to be able to say "I feel fine, no fantastic!" ans actually mean it. Now I say "fine" but I still feel like shit. No matter how many times I say I'm fine, I don't get any better.

What am I going to do? I want to live so badly!

I want to count math.