Nights in hell

It's like falling, loosing ground or riding over a bump when you're not prepared. Then the nausea, the chill that goes through the body and makes me shiver and clapper with my teeth. Trying to relax to ease the strain I feel on my body. I don't know what has strained me, but I can feel it. The fear when it feels like I'm loosing my grip of life. The fear of dying.

I'm getting more and more used to these states, these blood pressure falls. The fear is what I've learned to control; I know I'm not gonna die, or I tell myself so like a meditative mantra. It doesn't affect my body's state though, I'm still nauseous and it still feels like my hart is beating hard in it's weak state to not stop. I still feel as if the entire building is rocking and my perception of gravity is temporally lost. It actually is a bit like when you're just about to fall asleep and you feel as if you're falling/flying, but you're wide awake; more awake than I ever could be normally. It's the awakeness of your pending death.

I don't know what to do about this body of mine. I have 4-5 lotions to put on my skin, two of them doesn't do anything at all but itch or smell bad and are sticky. And the terrible pills they make me pop, and they (the doctors) keep pestering me to take happy pills, which I promptly says no to until they find out what's physically wrong with me because my head is - or was - fine.

I admit I am a bit low in spirit sometimes... but I've been ill physically for five years, and they are STILL trying to feed me iron pills, which is what they've been doing for 7 years... And the results are still the same, I just feel worse. I wasn't down before, it's something that's come up within the last year and is still just emerging.

If this is the same situation I am in, in four years I am going to vote for being humanly put down. This isn't a life, this is suffering. I'd trade with someone from the third world to take my place, so all of this isn't completely wasted.

Well... Gonna go listen to the RENT soundtrack now to listen to other people's suffering, so that I don't feel as bad for myself. Self pity is just embarrassing.

//XXX

Annoying day

So today I've entertained myself with having no motor skill or balance. I've almost hurt myself severely 3 times today. Luckily I had some reflexes and managed to avoid falling on the wrong things in the wrong way. It's like I've been drunk all day; no body control what so ever. Ok, I have had bladder control and such, but no balance or motor skills.

And I've started on this lousy iron medication. It gets stuck in my throat, and I have had it before. It didn't help last time and I dunno what good it's gonna do now. And my body hates it. It thinks I've swallowed something toxic or made out of plastic.

I hope I live to see tomorrow.

Learning something new

So today I've started learning some MySQL and PHP. Can't say I've learned anything usable at all so far, but I've barely begun. Sadly I can only work a little at the time with this as I tire helluva lot fast, and after a certain point, it's just no use trying to get anything into my head any more.

Tomorrow I'll dig some more into it, and hopefully my dear host's server will be up and running by then.

Now I'm going to dump myself in bed and hope to catch some nice and needed rest.

G'night

Ups and downs and PHP

So, today I had a rough day that ended very nicely. First I did get a very much needed sleep-in morning, but then I had to do some serious paperwork. And of course, after almost completing it I started to feel bad. It was like the entire building was wavering and swinging around. I wasn't nauseas for a change though, which made it easier to handle.

Once most of the wannabe high was gone I got a visit from Ryuu and we initiated some "lessons" in css and php coding. I am going to have a lot of fun learning more about this, but my brain was no good today.

So I thought I'd end my evening with a cosy shower, but once out of it, I found the perfect opportunity to have a cup of evening tea with my neighbour. So we had a nice hour of chit chat, and now I'm back home to finally call it a day.

Tomorrow, it's doctor time :S

G'night.

Sunday dinner out

Today my father was nice enough to treat our entire family to Mongolian BBQ, including my Foxy. It was nice and the food was tasty.

The downside of it all is that I couldn't eat very much and I am so stuffed I'm almost vomiting... But if you want something nice I guess there has to be a price. I'm happy anyway.

We've been away all day so I'm pretty exhausted now and am off to bed in a few.

G'night

Tired...

I was so unheavenly tired yesterday, after eating dinner I couldn't help but to fall asleep. Because of that I missed out on a nice chat and cup of tea with my neighbour. A pity, indeed. I hope she'll forgive me. I did intend to stay awake. Hard thing for me to do nowadays.

So today is laundry day as my father is going to treat us to Mongolian food tomorrow, and we have nothing to wear. So, if the clothes aren't dry by tomorrow, we'll have to go there with wet clothes. Well, moist at least.

I'm dreaming of a day when I can use art to support myself. I really wish such a day would come. But now I'm stuck in this godforsaken unemployment until I either die or become forced to take a job I'm not fit to do.

I'm just so tired... Why can't I just stop being so tired?

//XXX

Just keepin' you updated

To sum up the day:
I look like a heroin whore, both in face, hair and on my left bend of the arm. I left some blood samples yesterday as preparations for the doctor's appointment next week. On my way home though, I needed to carry a lot of stuff and thus strained my arm, and guess what happened! Now there's a lot of blood under the skin like some ugly bruise. Not to mention the band-aid I had on top of it was filled with blood. Nice huh?

Also, I did my part for democracy by voting. I won't be home to vote on sunday so I pre-voted today instead.

So tonight I'm set up for laundry, but before that Imma make my special pasta carbonara.

And since I'm busy with all of that, I end this entry here.

Take care.

End of summer

The other day I was riding the bus on my way to my father's place to babysit my little brother. As the bus went along a small road, I looked out through the window, and found the sunlight licking the nature as if it still was summer, but some of the leafs on the trees whispered "no, it's not. It's autumn" with their yellowing colours.

It was the last piece of summer, left on the small lush roads of an island. It's autumn now, and I'm ready for the autumn photographing.


What have I been up to? Well... mostly I've been trying to cope with reality and what needs to be done; work, social service, babysitting my little brother and staying alive.

Art wise I've had fun with making some Joey comics, and I probably will keep doing that for a while.

I also promised to learn how to sing "Part of your world" from the little mermaid movie in norwegian. Wish me luck, because I'm mixing up the lyrics with the danish version >_<

Have fun ya'll

I hate doctors and the government

Something is really wrong when dying is more attractive than living, and you actually WANT to live so badly that you keep a mantra of "I want to live! I want to live!" whenever you're feeling bad.

I am so terribly sick and tired of doctors and hospitals! They keep pushing me around and I never get any help! I desperately need to get part time put as sick, and what I need even more is to find out what's wrong with this useless piece of s*it body that I have, and repair it so that I can get energy enough to at least be alert and awake for 8 hours a day.

Both the Unemployment centre and the social services wants me half time on sick leave, but the doctors won't even touch me. They don't seem to understand that you can't be ill and work at the same time, because if they worked 25% they'd earn more than I could earn even if I found someone to hire me 100%. I'd get fired after three months though, but WHO CARES ABOUT THAT?

As long as I'm ill I can't study either, so even though I have the mind and aspirations to become high educated, I can't. OH YEAH! Make sure I'll never contribute t the society, and then kill myself with the motivation "I wanted to LIVE" and thus every single penny spent on me has been a waste. Way to go government!

Grr mrrr grawr...