Nights in hell

It's like falling, loosing ground or riding over a bump when you're not prepared. Then the nausea, the chill that goes through the body and makes me shiver and clapper with my teeth. Trying to relax to ease the strain I feel on my body. I don't know what has strained me, but I can feel it. The fear when it feels like I'm loosing my grip of life. The fear of dying.

I'm getting more and more used to these states, these blood pressure falls. The fear is what I've learned to control; I know I'm not gonna die, or I tell myself so like a meditative mantra. It doesn't affect my body's state though, I'm still nauseous and it still feels like my hart is beating hard in it's weak state to not stop. I still feel as if the entire building is rocking and my perception of gravity is temporally lost. It actually is a bit like when you're just about to fall asleep and you feel as if you're falling/flying, but you're wide awake; more awake than I ever could be normally. It's the awakeness of your pending death.

I don't know what to do about this body of mine. I have 4-5 lotions to put on my skin, two of them doesn't do anything at all but itch or smell bad and are sticky. And the terrible pills they make me pop, and they (the doctors) keep pestering me to take happy pills, which I promptly says no to until they find out what's physically wrong with me because my head is - or was - fine.

I admit I am a bit low in spirit sometimes... but I've been ill physically for five years, and they are STILL trying to feed me iron pills, which is what they've been doing for 7 years... And the results are still the same, I just feel worse. I wasn't down before, it's something that's come up within the last year and is still just emerging.

If this is the same situation I am in, in four years I am going to vote for being humanly put down. This isn't a life, this is suffering. I'd trade with someone from the third world to take my place, so all of this isn't completely wasted.

Well... Gonna go listen to the RENT soundtrack now to listen to other people's suffering, so that I don't feel as bad for myself. Self pity is just embarrassing.

//XXX

Annoying day

So today I've entertained myself with having no motor skill or balance. I've almost hurt myself severely 3 times today. Luckily I had some reflexes and managed to avoid falling on the wrong things in the wrong way. It's like I've been drunk all day; no body control what so ever. Ok, I have had bladder control and such, but no balance or motor skills.

And I've started on this lousy iron medication. It gets stuck in my throat, and I have had it before. It didn't help last time and I dunno what good it's gonna do now. And my body hates it. It thinks I've swallowed something toxic or made out of plastic.

I hope I live to see tomorrow.

Learning something new

So today I've started learning some MySQL and PHP. Can't say I've learned anything usable at all so far, but I've barely begun. Sadly I can only work a little at the time with this as I tire helluva lot fast, and after a certain point, it's just no use trying to get anything into my head any more.

Tomorrow I'll dig some more into it, and hopefully my dear host's server will be up and running by then.

Now I'm going to dump myself in bed and hope to catch some nice and needed rest.

G'night

Ups and downs and PHP

So, today I had a rough day that ended very nicely. First I did get a very much needed sleep-in morning, but then I had to do some serious paperwork. And of course, after almost completing it I started to feel bad. It was like the entire building was wavering and swinging around. I wasn't nauseas for a change though, which made it easier to handle.

Once most of the wannabe high was gone I got a visit from Ryuu and we initiated some "lessons" in css and php coding. I am going to have a lot of fun learning more about this, but my brain was no good today.

So I thought I'd end my evening with a cosy shower, but once out of it, I found the perfect opportunity to have a cup of evening tea with my neighbour. So we had a nice hour of chit chat, and now I'm back home to finally call it a day.

Tomorrow, it's doctor time :S

G'night.

Sunday dinner out

Today my father was nice enough to treat our entire family to Mongolian BBQ, including my Foxy. It was nice and the food was tasty.

The downside of it all is that I couldn't eat very much and I am so stuffed I'm almost vomiting... But if you want something nice I guess there has to be a price. I'm happy anyway.

We've been away all day so I'm pretty exhausted now and am off to bed in a few.

G'night

Tired...

I was so unheavenly tired yesterday, after eating dinner I couldn't help but to fall asleep. Because of that I missed out on a nice chat and cup of tea with my neighbour. A pity, indeed. I hope she'll forgive me. I did intend to stay awake. Hard thing for me to do nowadays.

So today is laundry day as my father is going to treat us to Mongolian food tomorrow, and we have nothing to wear. So, if the clothes aren't dry by tomorrow, we'll have to go there with wet clothes. Well, moist at least.

I'm dreaming of a day when I can use art to support myself. I really wish such a day would come. But now I'm stuck in this godforsaken unemployment until I either die or become forced to take a job I'm not fit to do.

I'm just so tired... Why can't I just stop being so tired?

//XXX

Just keepin' you updated

To sum up the day:
I look like a heroin whore, both in face, hair and on my left bend of the arm. I left some blood samples yesterday as preparations for the doctor's appointment next week. On my way home though, I needed to carry a lot of stuff and thus strained my arm, and guess what happened! Now there's a lot of blood under the skin like some ugly bruise. Not to mention the band-aid I had on top of it was filled with blood. Nice huh?

Also, I did my part for democracy by voting. I won't be home to vote on sunday so I pre-voted today instead.

So tonight I'm set up for laundry, but before that Imma make my special pasta carbonara.

And since I'm busy with all of that, I end this entry here.

Take care.

End of summer

The other day I was riding the bus on my way to my father's place to babysit my little brother. As the bus went along a small road, I looked out through the window, and found the sunlight licking the nature as if it still was summer, but some of the leafs on the trees whispered "no, it's not. It's autumn" with their yellowing colours.

It was the last piece of summer, left on the small lush roads of an island. It's autumn now, and I'm ready for the autumn photographing.


What have I been up to? Well... mostly I've been trying to cope with reality and what needs to be done; work, social service, babysitting my little brother and staying alive.

Art wise I've had fun with making some Joey comics, and I probably will keep doing that for a while.

I also promised to learn how to sing "Part of your world" from the little mermaid movie in norwegian. Wish me luck, because I'm mixing up the lyrics with the danish version >_<

Have fun ya'll

I hate doctors and the government

Something is really wrong when dying is more attractive than living, and you actually WANT to live so badly that you keep a mantra of "I want to live! I want to live!" whenever you're feeling bad.

I am so terribly sick and tired of doctors and hospitals! They keep pushing me around and I never get any help! I desperately need to get part time put as sick, and what I need even more is to find out what's wrong with this useless piece of s*it body that I have, and repair it so that I can get energy enough to at least be alert and awake for 8 hours a day.

Both the Unemployment centre and the social services wants me half time on sick leave, but the doctors won't even touch me. They don't seem to understand that you can't be ill and work at the same time, because if they worked 25% they'd earn more than I could earn even if I found someone to hire me 100%. I'd get fired after three months though, but WHO CARES ABOUT THAT?

As long as I'm ill I can't study either, so even though I have the mind and aspirations to become high educated, I can't. OH YEAH! Make sure I'll never contribute t the society, and then kill myself with the motivation "I wanted to LIVE" and thus every single penny spent on me has been a waste. Way to go government!

Grr mrrr grawr...

Rant about HBT and homophobics

One thing I've never gotten is why people are so scared of gay people. Seriously, what's so scary about them? they are people, just like everyone else, the only difference is that they prefer to mate with their own gender. They're statistically less harmful than straight people (I dunno about bisexuals, maybe we're more dangerous than straights?) and they can't even reproduce! It's not like they're gonna breed up a new race of gays that will take over the world and shun, kill and torture those who will not convert to their way of living (like what christians do).

Ok, fine! I get that some people doesn't find it very nice to imagine (in example) two guys buttfucking. Well, I don't imagine a guy buttfucking a girl as very pleasant, but I don't go hatin' out on people who like it anal. Most don't like to imagine their parents have sex either (I think a higher percentage dislikes thinking about their parents fucking than gays fucking) but there's nothing wrong with parents having sex, that's how you were made and that's what you're preaching about how it should be.

I also want to point out that far from all gay sex involves anal sex or buttplay, but that seems to be the most vivid thing people like to think about when it comes to gay sex. Personally, I prefer to think of cosy girl on girl action as women are indeed the fairer sex. I feel a bit sorry for the gay guys who doesn't see it that way though, but boys need some loving too!

There seems to be that innate fear of getting raped by gay guys... Are you afraid because if you were gay, you'd mount anything in sight? In the gay world, it's far more common for bi-curious (straight men who want to try out a gay experience) men to rape the gays than the other way around. I know people getting stalked and assaulted with sexual propositions, just because they're gay! They aren't interested, but straight horny guys doesn't seem to care; they just want sex and doesn't care who it is. You should be more scared about straight people!

Ant the whole #god hates fags" business... God (if there is one, let's assume there is) created homosexuals, who are you to criticise his creation? And besides; it's not for you to judge anyway. If god hates fags he will deliver his judgements on them when the time comes. In the meantime, won't you at least try to follow you religion and love thy neighbour and not discriminate as god loves all, and thy should too?

And that brings us to the whole "gays shouldn't be allowed to marry". Fine if your religion doesn't want to wed them in their church/mosque/shrine/holy house of prayer, but they deserve the legal rights of a civil marriage. How do you get affected by Lisa and Jane marrying and Jerry and Kevin vs. Jerry and Lisa, Kevin and Jane? It doesn't affect you at all, unless you intent to violate the laws and spy on them when they get lovey-dovey.

And gays kissing/holding hands in public? Well, I think it's more ugly when fat ugly straight lardos shows their affection in public, hinting that they're gonna mate and bring forth even more hideous offspring, doomed to obesity from the start. Just knowing there are so many ugly (ugly and fat is to me relevant to personality; if you're a bad person, you're ugly) straight people out there that can and WILL procreate with the worse possible mate genetically, personality wise as well as behaviour wise gives me the creeps. I hate humanity as it is, I don't need more ignorant homophobes in this world who thinks it's more important that gays can't marry than curing cancer.

I'm being very harsh here, and I'll give you that, but I really don't like people with a horrible personality, and whom are ignorant and narrow minded. What's so scary about gays? It's straight people that are the most scary; they take away your right to love, they decide your bloody death and they will hurt you, physically and mentally. They will also take away your every right to give an orphan a loving home as well as all your good will to be a good citizen. And they will kill you for falling in love.

"I don't like gays but I wouldn't kill them" you say? Well, your passive aggressiveness and contribute to maim, slaughter and reduce their human rights is fuelling the rage of those who actually will take a bat in its hands and go beat the brains out of a person who is gay, or rape a woman just because she happens to fancy the fairer sex. You have a collective responsibility to show that it's not right to hurt another human being, and you can start by enabling gays the human rights everyone else has, like marrying and having a family.

I'm not gay, I'm bisexual. Actually, I'm only attracted to a person's mind, hence I don't care what package that mind comes in; male or female, "pretty" or "ugly", black, white, yellow or tanned. I happen to be in a heterosexual relationship right now, even though I don't really consider it as such; I'm just in a relationship with someone I love, thus I'm lucky. I don't want to be raped because I like to motorboat bosoms and please a girl if I love her. I don't want to be killed because I'm unisex when it comes to love. I just want you to mind your own business and leave me be.


Long entry is long.
Insensitive me is insensitive.
Homophobic people are littering the human society.

G'night.

Politics and Dreams of a Future

If I ever would go into politics I'd go into a dictatorship that will lead to world domination, then I'd only use the top experts to help me decide in the important matters, and I would distribute the world wealth evenly. And once the world is turned into a place where no old helpless woman will shake in fear of getting bombed, everyone is well educated enough to realize that when help ourselves by helping others. After that, I'd let democracy resume. This is how God must feel... "Why did I let them decide for themselves? I told them the most important thing is to LOVE, LOVE!!!" Sorry for the slight blasphemy guys.

I'm really fed up with ignorant closeminded people expecting "we should close off our countries just live we've shut off our minds, then all of our countries problems will be solved!" to actually work. Communication is the only way to advance! If we don't help other we can't help ourselves. If we don't bring people out of poverty, we will never stop getting mugged, robbed or killed. Three of me could live like kings on an executive's salary, and still leave enough money for the executive to live a decent life. That does not mean we should let three of me leach on an executive's salary, but that we could/should use those money to create three new jobs, for people like me.

I really don't get why they put tax reductions on people who can afford it, when someone like me have to pay taxes even though I have almost no income. If I didn't pay any taxes, I could live off of a part time job. Which in my case would solve my issue with not being able to support myself with a full time job due to my poor health and I wouldn't have to go crawling with the tail between my legs to the social service for welfare money every month. AND I could afford to wait for the medical care I need but don't get.

Why do we save money where we have to put money? How do they expect ill people to get well when there's no healthcare?!

ARGH! These politicians drive me nuts! And the people voting for them make me even madder! It's because of the voters that the politicians get so wish-washy.


-----------------


And to leave the politics...

I want to be able to support myself on my art. Someday I wanna make a website that's successful (perhaps with a webcomic :3) and that's not clustered with commercial. The ads that exist there will all be created by me too, to make the site even more unanimous, and I get money for creating the ads, thus reduce the need even further to put in a lot of commercials.

I miss making comics, quite a lot. I used to make many comics, but nowadays I don't draw any comics at all. Mainly because the one person I wanted to show my comics to stopped seeing me. Loosing friends is such a tragic thing for someone who doesn't have very many.


Yesterday I finished my first real commission for real money. (pic related) It's a pic for the title card of Tanukis youtube bake-a-longs. Check them out if you want to and love retro baking.

In other annoying news; my computer mouse is now completely unusable, and my keyboard is also going unusable. Typing is frustrating, and I type a lot. So tomorrow I'm checking out new keyboards.

Now I am off to try to learn more CSS. Making websites, YAY!

~Off~

Unicorns! :3

This is kinda how I feel today. Except I haven't started drawing yet. I hope once I do I'll feel happy tingly inspired joy! Or at least not as bored and dull as I am feeling right now. (The comic strip is made by: http://jollyjack.deviantart.com/)

And in other news; I've gotten my first real commission that's not a Guild Wars Commission for in game money. I am completely psyched about it and am gonna put down as much effort into it as I can :3 Wish me luck!

I'm considering going to buy the computer parts for the computer I am going to build tomorrow. Those they have in stock at least; seems like they have the parts I want scattered over the stores and the internet shop. We'll see what I do. I'm in a discussion with my "computer expert" about switching to other parts that they have in stock.

Now I'm off to doodle away!

Workin' on mah art skills

About what's up in my life right now:

So, I'm currently working on my to become the most detailed scenery pic I've ever made, the attached image is after working on it for 7h straight.




And I just love electronic music, here is a very nice cover of Bad romance. Too bad they aren't that good at singing.


http://humon.deviantart.com/
I just love these comics about the stereotypes of the norse countries as seen from denmark ^^

Other than that I've been struggling with trying to install the sims 2. I love making custom stuff by editing the textures :3 It was hell to get my computer set straight.

I've also decided that I'm going to build myself a new computer. We'll see how it goes, but gholen was kind enough to give me some spare parts. Big image files with high dpi, HERE I COME! :D

It's morning now, but lately I have been going to bed around now as I've had a complete change of day rythm. Yesterday I turned it straight, but I still feel like going to bed now. I think I overstrained myself by staying up, so now I need to nap during the day anyway. I feel like an old geezer.

So anyway, now I'm gonna wait for time to turn 11 so that I can order pizza!

Buh-buy!

Livestream!

Sooo... Today I tried doing some livestream, and I actually got 3 viewers for a while! The pic related to this entry is what I drew.

If you're interested in watching me draw you can find what I drew in my "latest videos" right under the streamer. My livestream channel.

I'm still learning my new tablet but it's helluva much better than my old one (sorry old tablet, I love you anyway) and I enjoy working with it a lot. It's both good and bad it's a third the size of my old one though.

I transferred the photos from the camera today too, but I didn't really have any time to play around with them in photoshop.

And today's forecast has been THUNDER! And a big dash of LIGHTNING! And it's been very cosy.

That's it I guess... My back hurts so I'm gonna go lay down, massage it and sleep.

G'night.

Back and alive

I am back from the trip up north. Actually I came home one week ago monday, but I didn't get home to my apartment with internet access until saturday. After that I've been trying to catch up with all of internet. Surprisingly much and surprisingly little happens in a month. I come home to find that onemanga.com closed down. Well; the manga part at least. Now it's just a library of "you cannot has". A pity the Mangakas (the authors of the mangas) decided that scanlations of unlicenced manga is a no go anymore.

I have about 400 photographs from my trip up north. Some of them I'm really happy with, others I am going to delete as soon as I checked them on the computer. I haven't had time to transfer them from camera to computer yet, so bare with me ok? They'll come any day now.

Now I'm gonna go back to my sleepyness. Good night.