Lyrics from frustration..?

"I look at myself, and I look at what I've done.
Remembering what I wanted to do and to become.
So many dreams, so much potential never to be realized.
I'm like a seed never planted, an tree never grown.

I don't have the confidence, I don't have the strength.
I don't have that little extra to be a piece of your game.
I want to reach you, the ones that are like me.
I want to reach humanity.

Mixed emotions are haunting me;
Am I angry that I'll never be that free?
Am I sad that nobody wants to hear?
Am I frustrated, or do I shake in fear?

The future I sought is beyond my reach.
What's crying in my soul is my creativity.
In this wicked shell, not beautiful enough
I am shaking, trembling and trying to cope with reality.

Listen my heart; some things aren't meant to be.
What brings joy to my life isn't good enough you see.
Being realistic you should find something else to treasure.
Find something else to call your own.

Opening up to this wicked world;
There's no place to be that free.
Why would anyone want to hear?
There's no hope there's only fear.

The future I sought is beyond my reach.
What's crying in my soul is my creativity.
In this wicked shell, not beautiful enough
I am shaking, trembling and trying to cope with reality.

I don't have the confidence, I don't have the strength.
I don't have that little extra to be a piece of your game.
I want to reach you, the ones that are like me.
I want to reach humanity.

I want to reach humanity."

The cry of a broken artist, by Aizic

Lost potential

I went to see mo oldest friend (that actually wants anything to do with me) Yonas yesterday and dressed very improperly for the occasion; wore my leather boots that I haven't worn in yet. Needless to say my heels are sore..? Both of us being broke, we wandered about for a while, talked and then went over to his place, had dinner, listened to music, sang and youtubed some. It was a fun relaxing evening. Though, about the time I was gonna take the tramcar to the bus home, his roommate said "such a pity you missed Idol today" and thus we found out that yesterday and today were the auditions held for the swedish Idol. So I spent the night there and went with Yonas in the morning instead. it went kinda fast for being Idol and I was done in "only" 4 hours.

I don't think I need to say I didn't go through. I did a horrible performance in the precasting. They guys were kind though to say "you sing really nice" but they didn't think I had that "little extra" to make me a star. Which basically means I'm not beautiful or "talented" enough. In a crowd, on a stage there's nothing wrong with my voice. That's the only thing I'm confident about, and I guess it showed. But I think they must have been a little tone deaf if they didn't think I performed poorly. I can feel how every note does not place right in my throat, coming out my mouth all weird and not as it should.

I'm not very taken by the turn down, but I have lost a little faith in myself. I feel very confident about the fact that I'll never stand on a big stage. My one dream will mot likely never be realized. I'll probably live though my entire body screams for singing into people's hearts. I can't say a life without music would not hollow me out completely, because it would. I'm not an attention whore and I have somewhat of a brain. Maybe that's what's wrong with me?

I'm not outstanding. I've never been, I'll never be either.

"Claim the sunshine light my li(f)e,
everything I know has been a lie.
I'll never be what you wanted,
I'll never be like you wanted.
I am a shadow and that is true.
And I'm so happy to be here...
...when they kick my ass."
- "Cry the short version" by Me.

I'm feeling both driven to prove them wrong, and act towards my dream and completely sucked out, lost faith in everything anyone tells me. I will probably never trust someone saying I should be a star. I'm just not that good.

I'm lost potential,
something good gone to waste.
What should I believe in
when all I hear is lies?

I am happy today

Today I can really relate to a thing my friend Yonas talks about a lot; being happy when other people aren't. I think the biggest difference between me and Yonas is that I feel guilty for feeling good when others does not regardless of their attitude towards me. Yes, there are a lot of people trying to drag you down when you are feeling good, pulling you down into their pit of despair. But I feel guilty even if the unhappy one's are actually happy for me. I don't know if it is because I'm a selfless person who rather gives away my own happiness to other people, or if I'm some kind of self centred person who can't believe in other people's ability to create their own happiness, and thus pitying them.

But today I have felt happy and sentimental all day. It's a good feeling and I'm innocently happy for practically no reason. There are two things I need to be truly happy; my Foxy and a healthy body. But even though I only posses one of them, I'm still pretty happy.

A lot of people doesn't like my lifestyle; I'm living with a person who doesn't pay rent or help out whit household chores. In their eyes I can't justify why I/we are living like this and I wonder why I have to. There is nothing I can say about this without sounding like a naïve used person with the classic excuse "but it makes me happy so I cloud my eyes and pretend everything is fine" but I am very well aware that it seems like it and that nothing I say can change how it looks to someone else.
But I value having someone loving me unconditionally and being there for me 24/7, taking care of my emotional and mental needs as well as my physical.

I put high demands on Foxy; he needs to heed my every call. He does prepare food most of the time lately and it's my choice to not let him clean and do chores because I am not comfortable with him doing those for several reasons that aren't logical. In a way I keep him trapped in a cage because I need him to be there for me all of the time as I never know when my body will break down. And the reason I am supporting both of us is because dealing with the authorities for more money is such a pain. We are both unemployed and both of us are looking for a job. It's not like Foxy sits at home scratching his ass all day living the sweet life of a free-loader. If it was reversed I would have lived off of him with the same conditions.

But having him here is my joy and I'm happy to feed him. There's not much difference economically between having him here and living alone except the food price. And for food I get mental, emotional and physical security. And lots of love. I can almost live on love, or rather, his love is what is keeping me alive. I have never cared about living or dying before I met him. So everyone that treasure me should embrace him.

Speaking about money... I need to apply for some jobs (even though I have a full time internship, wooohooo) and I'm just so increadably happy we don't have to do this double up. I sure hope I can get a certain job I have applied for, because if I do it's bye bye social support and hello independent living with the ability to SAVE money. I really loath the paperwork that comes with being unemployed.

But having my foxy here, I'd pay millions!!! But I give him something that money could never buy him: myself. Somehow though, I still feel like I am getting the better deal. And I guess that is what matters.

G'day yall.