Old and out of shape

Yesterday I was dirty, wanted to be pretty. I know now that I'm forever dirt.
I'm a nobody, wanna be somebody.

Days like today (or nights?) I can't help but to feel this emptiness and lack of future.

Growing up suck. Becoming disillusioned sucks. The future sucks.

I grew up to realize, I don't have any talents.
- I'm incredibly bad at behaving properly or socializing at all.
- I'm not a good photographer.
- I'm not a good pencil artist, painter or digital artist.
- In not good at drawing or colouring.
- I'm nothing special when I sing.
- I can't play any instrument better than a wonky "wonder wall" on an acoustic guitar.
- I don't have any stage presence.
- My lyrics aren't good.
- My compositions aren't good.
- Forget about poetry, COMPLETELY.
- I'm not good at writing stories.
- I'm not very proficient with the English language.
- I'm not anything special at cooking.
- I'm not good at sewing.
- I'm not good with mathematics.
- I'm not good at coding.
- I'm not very good with computers (I'm an average user who can troubleshoot with google).
- I'm not good at playing any kind of games.
- I'm bad at googling. (It's not that I don't do it, I suck at finding what I'm looking for)
- My memory is pretty much useless.
- I don't have my facts straight.
- I'm a slow reader.
- Everything regarding my physical body suck; every single little strain of hair.
- And I don't know how to fix any of it.

These are all points I thought were my strong points. And I've begun to realize I was never good at any of that, I had no natural talent. I worked hard to become a little less sucky, that's all.

I've never thought highly of myself, but I used to think I had a good brain with good intellectual qualities. I used to think I was made of some kind of finer mental quality. But I don't think that it is that "I've been acting like an idiot for so long that I don't know how to not act stupid" any more. I've caught up to the fact that I don't know how to act intelligently because I'm not intelligent.

It's hard to come to terms with that I don't know anything. I'm not good at anything. I'm just a stupid little girl growing old and out of shape. I can't even sit down and pay attention any more.

When I think about my future I really see nothing. Realizing I have no skill, just makes a future of any sort further away. What am I supposed to do? What am I grabbing for? Why am I even alive?

I have but one answer, which is to my last question. I live because I want to be with the one person I trust and love. That's it. That's the soul reason; I want to hang out with that one person. Lovely existence.

I don't want to be me. I don't want this piece of shit.

PHP

So uh... Good news everyone! I think  nailed what my new logo is gonna be, the mascot needs a liiiittle more love but the text and icon are ready to be made. Funny how I went from hating drawing fonts to actually think it's rather fun. Time consuming, but fun.

Now... I found a PHP tutorial, yay~ Coding!

Up and running!

Yup, now the new computer is up and running and I found out why the computer was acting funny (It wouldn't turn off when you forced the shut down with the power button) as I tried to figure why the screen wouldn't receive any information (It was connected the the computer properly but just into power save mode instead of giving an error message that there was no signal. For some reason (I dunno why) it got solved when I changed socket on one of the power chords. So now it's up and running, hurray!

Now I'm spending time trying to get rid of stuff I don't want/need. I have WAY too much of that.

Another bump in the road

Soo, I built this new computer, and while I'm building, we notice there's not enough power outlets for all the fans. Ok, not the end of the world since we bought extra fans so it's already ventilated properly. Then... The CD/DVD reader is not supported by the motherboard. Fine, I can install the OS through a USB memory only... the only USB memory I had big enough for the OS refused to become bootable saying it was write protected. So I had to buy a new one. Now, USB memory set up with the OS and nice new refurnishing as the case is too large to fit on the desk... I notice that the graphics card doesn't support VGA, and hey guess what all our screen and cables are!

If the screens and reader were supported, this computer would have been up and running 2 weeks ago. Now We have to go buy a new cable because thankfully we have a small TV screen that supports DVI. But we still need to pay up more money and wait for the item to be shipped, and the user can forget about dual screens.

Oh well. It's STILL fun to build.

Now I gotta go out into the snow rain and walk my poor dog.

Odd statistics

Suddenly my blog is having mad statistics compared to what I had last year, and I don't really link it anywhere so I have no clue why. Are people really reading this?

My body is sore and I've been slacking off a little yesterday and today to heal up. But it's nice that the body's getting a workout, and that I can feel it's strain. Squatting around on the floor while building the new computer took it's toll too, so I figured I have that covered.

What's less fun though is that I appear to be losing weight, this is not really part of the plan... But I suppose it's to be expected when my weight is more water and fat than muscle.

I took a trip down memory lane the other day, going through a box that's been standing around untouched since I was 13. It contains some of my first drawings from when I decided to start drawing for real and not just whatever we did in elementary as part of the education. I sorted out some stuff, but I still have to sort through it again; a second screening in what has to go. Then comes the next step which is dealing with dealing with my shelf. Once that is done I can take care of my briefcase and put my old comics, drafts and doodles in the shelf instead, and I dunno... Return the briefcase to my grandpa?

I want to get rid of the clutter. So much clutter... and it's not so much that it takes time to sort through it as that it's exhausting just thinking about it. I'm gonna sort through the storage room as well eventually, and put the clutter I just don't have the heart to throw in there.

One nifty way of saving space that I'm putting the boxes of the computer parts in the box the case came in. I estimate I can fit the boxes for both computers in there. Handy.

That's all for today.

Building a new computer!

Today I can't brag about doing more than eating a whole chicken with noting to it and building a computer. The later brings more pride than the sooner...

It's not a tiny little thing and I built it for someone else, but it was FUN! It took me about 5h but it was well worth it. Building computers is sooo much fun!

This computer is twice the size the one I built two years ago, also in November, but also twice the power.

Now I' gonna walk my dog and go to bed.

Puppy play-date

So today we met up with this guy who has a 5 months old GSD puppy, and this lovely hangout (filled with my derp-dog doing ANYTHING to get the puppy) lasted for 4½h. I just went back inside and passed out. When I woke up my arms hurt like never before! Just woke up in time for another little pee-walk.

Now all that's left is the butt-sercise and another dog walk before I hit the hay again.

But I did learn one thing today;

Just because I lost the argument, it doesn't mean I'm wrong; it just means I'm bad at arguing.

Someone convinced my through an argument that salt in a cake can make it taste sweeter. The argument arose from me reading an American version of sticky cake, with salt in it. Upon reading it, my first reaction was "YUCK!". But I lost the argument and it seemed plausible that salt makes cakes taste sweeter. So I decided to reward myself with some sticky cake off the American recipe.

It's edible, but it's not tasty. YUCK!

My entire body hurts from the activities I've been keeping up since the 24th. 3h dog walks/day plus the exercise... No wonder, but it feels a little good if you ignore the fact that I can't muster any brain-juice or get anything done but the physical activity.

I'm hoping tomorrow will be better so that I can build my boyfriend's new computer.

T-that's all folks!

Joined the club...

Starting up exercising is kinda like having a baby; suddenly everything revolves around it. Everything you say, post and think of is workout, food and your performance. And I suppose it's exactly as uninteresting to everyone else.

I'm thinking about starting up a specific blog about it, and flood that one with what I do/don't do instead.

Right now, I think I've earned myself a nice shower, and some nommy food. I don't know if I'll make chilli or fish soup yet, but either will be delicious.

My exercising isn't about losing weight at all so I will probably still eat a lot of junk, but as long as I gain muscle on the glutes and improves my general physical condition, I'm happy.

/over and out.

Time for a new life!

Oh my, well lookie here! My old li'l blog that noone reads!

So, what's happened this last year?

Actually... Nothing. I've survived and grown fatter, that's about it.

Now; the weight is nothing much to bother with, but... I had a really shocking revelation yesterday going to the store to buy new pants. That I've become larger isn't a secret, I intentionally chose larger sizes because there are two reasons for why I need new pants:

1. My old pants don't fit.
2. The few ones that does fit, are so old they are basically falling apart.

Then I find myself in the changing-room, the pants fit without any problem. "Ok, I've moved up from a big 34 to a big 38. It's not that bad, I was thinking I'd moved up to 40-42. Now let's see how the look in the problem area; the back..." I find myself thinking and adjust the mirror so I can see my rear in the big mirror behind me.

What greeted my eyes... I knew it wasn't gonna be pretty, but I have no full body mirrors at home so I had no idea to what extent it was.

I'm not a crybaby, but I really wanted to cry in shame. Turns out my better half has been very kind and lenient on me about what I actually look like from behind...

So, I have started off my "new life"! I managed to jog my first kilometre ever last night, took my measurements and now I'm weighing myself every morning and hopefully every evening as well.

I've bought an exercise ball and I'm gonna try to construct my own little yoga-program to do daily. There's gonna be a lot of focus on the butt, but the rest of me isn't exactly fit, nor nimble. I'll let you know more about that later.