Not much to add

Well, events made it so that the last days I have not been able to make entries here. I am not too surprised since that is how my life usually works nowadays; disabled every other day. I was thinking that to make up for it I should make something nice to this entry, having something to talk about at least.

But... I got nothing.

This is what happened;
I went to celebrate my more or less only real friend Yonas' birthday this Thursday, I missed my buss/cart home, and had to go home at 4 am instead; that day's entry ruined, then I was exhausted enough to sleep the entire day away, then I had some kind of attack making me unable to breath, so it was off to the hospital for 14h. Of course they found nothing, as usual. After I came home I have been feeling bad as hell, and NEW parts of my belly is aching. Yay. I tried to explain the pain away with muscle fever, but apparently you can not have it in that area. Seems like yet another thing to bring up to my doctor at the local care-center. If I get a time there this year.

And after that... well, I felt like dying, so not much energy for anything. Though I made an earnest attempt to socialize by treating a neighbor and two "friends" we have in common to some chocolate pancakes bu my own recipe.

And just so you know; it is painful when the doctor stab you in the bone with the needle instead of the artery. Well, for me it was not that bad, just enough for me not be able to restrain myself. But a hell of a lot more than it should. And the pain goes on for like 4-5 hours after. I still feel tender in my wrist, and it has been a day or so. My first thought before I got to know that he stabbed my bone was "it must really hurt a fuckload to slit your wrists".

I know it is not interesting to read, but being so incredibly forgetful nowadays I really need to write it down to remember.

I dread the hospital bill, and I felt so incredibly silly for going into the hospital as I hate hospitals; They only check the "normal" things and sends me home because they do not find anything. Well, I am not diabetic, and I do not smoke nor drink, OR take medications dangerous to anything. What did you expect? I do everything to make myself healthy, so OBVIOUSLY the normal things are not what is wrong with me. Besides; I am young.

I have no faith in this region's medical care.

Praising

I must say I am getting really tired of people's praising. I was a little happy earlier today, especially since I have gotten a lot of praising lately and people being kind and positive towards me. Sadly I just realize they are just being kind, friendly and polite, or doing their jobs.

I am low in confidence right now, I am aware of it, but I know it shows; I went to a job coach today and she was very prominent on telling me how calm, composed, true and secure in myself I seemed. I know it is her job to give me confidence in myself so I will be confident applying for jobs and thus get one, I was expecting that, but it was the tings she remarked on that made me realize that my low confidence and high expectations on myself was shining through. I never seize to amaze myself in how easy I am to read. Personal letter my hiny; You just need to look at me and you will know instantly what a miserable person I am.

That aside though; I am really happy that some people seem to show interest in my works. And they are the ones that matters actually. I hope the response will be genuine and positive so that I can actually go back to believing in myself again. I will put in a lot of effort so at least I hope they will tell me if they do not like it, and it seems like they will.

Doing well..?

Ah, the meeting went well, I will have money two months ahead. That feels good. Now there is only one obstacle; the doctor. But I hope it will be resolved soon.

Tried to learn a new style of drawing females; fail. But the picture I made today and attach to this entry got very satisfying, considering that I do not know how to color properly. The makeup and feet are a little "meh" but it be my first time! Be gentle...

I am really hoping I get to design a header for my friend's blog, and draw comic versions of the Likström crew. And I sure hope they accept my comics..! I was going to start drawing on it today, but I got frustrated when I failed at drawing the other things. Also I need to write down the story so that the crew can approve of it before I draw it.

Tomorrow is yet an other of those days; I have lots of fun things to do! So little time... need to go to sleep soon so that I have the energy to do them.

G'night

Useless Work

It feels so futile to do things one know is in vain, just to survive! I had to apply for 10 different kinds of jobs today for the meeting at the social services tomorrow, or I would not be granted money for my survival, so I got up early (for being me) and applied for them all.

The thing is; I KNOW I will not be able to perform any of the jobs I applied for due to my lousy health. I am working on getting a time at a doctor, but it is WAY too hard, and I have to go through loads of shit. So now I need to get my journal from my old care center in order to be able to even book a time at a doctor's office.

Other than applying for jobs, I had a fit and put on makeup and started to photograph myself posing as a girl. I threw it into photoshop and voila! A really nice self-portrait. And as if that was not enough; I decided to make a new background here too, using that and an other thing I threw together by using some pictures I googled out.

I should probably go to bed soon in order to prepare for the meeting tomorrow. I really hope they will not revoke my support, then I will half and half die.

G'night Alles.

A trip to the store, and some hard work!

Some mornings I wake up almost like with a "ping", and then there is no way I could possibly continue sleeping, regardless how little I have slept or how tired I am. Today was one of those "mornings" (got up at 14, which is the earliest in a long time) and I spent most of the day trying to draw the picture attached to this entry.

I have absolutely no idea about how to paint and color, without using sharp edges at least, and I generally do very poor on coloring. I used a picture someone else made on DeviantArt to help get inspired in how to create the color blends. I know it looks nothing alike eachother, not even in the coloring, but I AM a newbie in this; I usually ONLY use pencils. And now I had to use a mouse only. The one I used to help me, I know the owner had a drawing board to attach to the computer, so it is not really fair to compare. But I do anyway.

Somewhere in the middle of the day me and my neighbor Akira went downtown to the store buying me some food and a mouse pad and two black plastic mugs, the later three being on sale - lucky me - but the store I was in did not have the ink pens I wanted to buy.

After the store I spent the rest of the day drawing, and I have NEVER spent so much time on a picture before. I guess I will have to get used to it.

And last night/this morning I was talking to a very sweet japanese girl on skype. I really need to polish my japanese; I am loosing what I already know.

*takes a deep breath*

Now, as it is in the middle of the night I will apply for jobs again; jobs I have not a sigh of a chance to perform, if I got them.

Trying to learn

Well, I woke up very eager to draw and create today, and really felt like going downtown to buy a few things I might need. So I started do some dishes, only to find out that it was too late to go to the store. I forgot it was Saturday, and I woke up at four PM.

So instead I decided to try to get a hold of my neighbor and try to get some drawing time with her, knowing she is better at coloring than I am. Though I never got a hold of her and had to give up on that idea too. So I decided to chat some with Daethorian on IRC and ask about the comic I might draw for her community, but she was away so that was put to waste as well.

So I decided to browse through some photoshop tutorials to gain some knowleadge in order to learn how to use all of the tools. I created a little GeminiJuSa in space thing (as you can see) and got kind of satisfied. But then I tried to draw some on a paper; no good. Need much more practice. *sighs*

I guess I will draw more today, but later, though I highly doubt the results will please me.

One more?

Well, I can not say I am not used to it, but it always surprises me every time. I was going to write something here earlier today, but I thought "nah, nothing has really happened to me yet" and idled a little more. But not too long ago a person I thought I was very close to - for being me - all of a sudden just... Said good bye and wished me a better life. I think she just quit our friendship. I must say I never saw it coming, and apparently the reason why was that my life is so meaningless and pointless because all I have in my life is a weak and sick body and Foxy.

I mean; I always knew I was no fun, but she visited here not too long ago and we had fun, or so I though. I have no idea what to say. I am getting good byes all the time, but not often like this; so clean cut and without the slightest hint of warning.

I just lost faith in a little bit more of humanity, and in my ability to make friends. I do not know why I am crying, but for some reason I am.

And funny thing is I have no-one to talk to about it either because... The one I had just quit my friendship, the other one does not care the slightest and the third and last one went to Barcelona yesterday.

I think I will go and try to manage this, that feels like a betrayal.

Over and out.

Reds streams

Some days are worse than other. For me one week is worse than the other three every month. I hate it; I hate to go through it, I hate the mess, and I absolutely HATE to admit it.

To me, it is vile and evil. I do not mind a part of it, but it floods and leaves marks everywhere if I am not careful. Also, it is unnatural. To everyone but me it is the highest sign of health and natural occurrence and the prosperity of the species. But to me it is like a sign of death. And that annoying pain! It overwhelms me if I do not eat aspirins like a junkie.

Now, thanks to a special little pill (that is fuck expensive) the pain is at bay, the mass slightly less, but still a lot, just not for the same extended period of time. It only does a little, but it does more than anything else that I have tried, so I hope I can afford it in the long run.

And above being unnatural; it is expensive! Why would nature force upon us this stupid thing that costs up money, self respect and precious health. No wonder people have considered it foul and sinful. It is impractical like hell too.



This is all that consumes my days during this time. Well, that and a person who role plays online while pulling his dick.

I want to do stuff to get my mind off the pain, but if I move, it pours over. And it is dripping all over the place too. Lucky thing this morning that I was standing over commercials and nothing important.

I think I will go waste some more time on communities where no-one is talking to me.

Just Another Piece of Art

Not original, not special, nothing more than you, yet I grant myself an ego of extreme dimentions. I am one of those wannabe artists that keeps creating, eventhough it all sucks. I am better than many but still nothing to brag about; just your average internet user.

I am also one of those people with sky high expectations of oneself and I will never be fine with what I do or have done. I am striving towards perfection; though I am well aware that I will never get that far.

Once upon a time I was intelligent and had an exceptional memory; remembering ever the slightest detail. I used to have a prosperous voice and art talent, though I never possessed any means to elaborate them any further, I always since I discovered my abilities tried to pursue the dreams of being something some day. I even took up on writing and had very good reviews from my teachers, but I realized that teachers see more in the students than what is actually there, and after reading what I was writing, I gave up on my 100p + novels - which never got finished - and writing and focused more on creating a bad personality.

I always pull the story of my li(f)e to every new person I meet, so why not give you the 5 min version here in text instead:

Naive childhood, ignoring my miserable conditions as the youngest and overlooked child of 3 in a poor family with a headache medicine abusing single mother. At the end of my childhood (age 7) I gained two younger siblings to steel the spotlight, and I just tried to melt into the background as good as I could, silently humming some made-up songs.

As with everyone else, school was horrible and I got kicked, spit on, hit, taunted and ignored alongside every other shit kids does towards one another. Though I always loved studying and sort of idolized the teachers as sources of information, and for the reason that they more or less were the only ones to ever bother with me.

I had one friend through elementary school; she was my everything and still love her to death, even though we were abruptly forbidden to ever meet again. I stalk her on the internet, but she has little use for me nowadays as she is busy being screwed up by her horrible childhood.

High school was for me like for everyone; hell on earth. By this time I had long since stopped even noticing those who bullied me. I also slowly fell ill in some mysterious disease we are still yet to diagnose, except for a stupid hypothyreosis, and that kind of fucked up my plans of having a calm teenage period.

I was thrown out of my first high school due to the extent of the bullying that the students were causing disturbance to the classes. So I moved to my father and started "anew" in an even more narrow-minded school and found my second real friend. We had a very close and intimate relationship, and it was only possible due to our mutual feelings of disgust towards the thought of ever taking it into something even remotely sexual. He served me well as a friend all through both younger and older high school, and we remain friends til this day, but we do not see each other that much.

Older high school was more or less in a mist of lethargy, as my illness was raging through my body. I had to repeat one year due to absence. Year 1-2 I was in school every day, but once there I never managed to do anything but stare into the abyss. I was never depressed, just apathetic. And all the years up until then I was being scolded as being lazy, when my body just was not working.

I managed to graduate with "ok" grades this summer and am now just wallowing in my own dirt as I am too tired to do anything at all, except barely computer related things.

And so I am here;
I think way too much, and doing way too little. I used to be intelligent, but now... I am more of the waste that is left if you pick everything even slightly desirable out of a human being.

And another thing;
I consider myself gender neutral and have never gotten the big fuzz about gender, sexualities and social relations. Why does one have to sugarcoat everything one say and am? I am completely without boundaries and I am fine with it, except that there are downsides to it I have a hard time handling. I will never understand your facial expressions or why you suddenly got mad at me, but I try to guess.

I do not expect a single soul to read this shit, but I would be glad if anyone would care to take the time with it. Comments are more than welcome.