Facelift?

Well.. Today this blog got a little facelift. I went from green to blue, oh mai!

Abstract art to pixel art.

Today's been a good and a bad day. Mostly good though. I got money for this month, I found the ink pens I've been looking to buy for years in the down town book store. Melons are on sale this week and Hanna gave me her old phone, so now I won't have to bother with my old battery-dying phone.

I went to a manifestation to support the dead and hurt people of "Ship to Gaza", and I guess it was nice, considering the circumstances. Afterwards, me and gholen went to a place called "the brewery" which is a youth hangout. We talked a little with the ones working there, listened to/watched the news and then we decided to get ourselves home.

And once home I've been making the pixel art. I started on it saturday before father came to pick me up. Took longer than I thought.

Now I'm off to bed.

G'night.

Paint ftw?

A little Joey drawing :D

I have no idea what I've been eating the last two days, and I can't help but to feel slightly dismembered not being by my computer.

I am currently at my father's place. I was enjoying some drawing, and all was well, until I tried to scan. The scanner doesn't work. I have no idea what is wrong, but it doesn't want to connect with the software, I've re-installed it three times, and I'll attempt yet another time soon, I just gotta find the installation CD since downloading the drivers obviously doesn't work either.

Apart from that; unreliable family is unreliable. We'll see when I manage to get home tonight, because home I need to be before morning tomorrow, I have work and the last day of my internship.

I'm not sure what I'll do today, might sing some. Drawing seems so pointless when I can't scan it...

Well... That's all for now.
Cheers.

Birthday

I don't like birthdays. I always end up feeling miserable and my plans never work out. Like the other year when I tried throwing a party for the first time in years, and though four people promised to come, only one did - and he was one of those who said he wouldn't.

This birthday has been raining with birthday congratulations though, all thanks to facebook. Though there were a very few that actually remembered it on their own and decided to text or call me.

I originally intended to go visit my father to not sit alone at home, but it got cancelled since he got work. I'll go there tomorrow though to get some company I guess.

But soon I'm off to bed and into dream land to sleep off the last hours of my 21st birthday.

G'night.

Wall of text

Rest in piece you pathetic lonely child.
Nobody wants you, nobody likes you.
You have no friends for a reason.
Quit grabbing for things you can not have.
Quit trying to bring yourself up.
Dirt is born dirt and will always remain dirt.

You're not cool or original,
you can't fool anyone.
I could give you that you are odd,
weird and unlike us others,
but certainly not in a nice way.

Get away you abomination of a child,
we don't want to see your disgusting face.
We don't want you, we don't need you. T
here's no room for you here.
Get away you ugly, go away.

Ugly child - by Aizic


I'm not fooling myself anymore; nobody wants to hang around me very much and nobody gives a dang about me really. Well, there are two persons I know actually cares for me, and if I can bring anything into their lives I'm glad. I'm the usable type. If I care for someone I don't mind being exploited because then I serve a purpose to someone and they have a need for me. I want to be needed and I want to have people depending on me. If I was stronger and lonelier to bigger extent also desperate, I'd even make sure to blackmail people so that they feel that they have to stay close to me. But of course, I prefer being used as it puts me in a better light. I rather be stepped on and comfort the underside of someone's feet than being a big thorn in someone's side. But take note; I choose who can use me, and I never give what I don't have or don't want to give.

I know there are some casual acquaintances that are pretty found of me, or at least wouldn't mind hanging out ever now and then when they can spare the time. But there's no one I'd bother calling when I'm ill and need help, except for those specific two, though I'd pull on it as much as I could. Those two by the way (I'm not really that found of names, but I feel a need to namedrop them anyway) are Foxy and Yonas. Foxy is mostly there when I'm ill and I don't really need anyone else than Foxy. Keeping others around me is part waste of time, part clinging on to the passed and part ensuring that if I'd ever be without Foxy, I'll still have someone to care about, because I care.

Yonas and Jixi are my two favourite people to care about. Though me and Jixi don't hang out any more, and I don't even know if you can call us friends because I seem more like an e-stalker with a one way communication. Never the less! Creepily enough - as the stalker and emotionally fucked up overwhelming I am - I promised her that I'd love her for the rest of my life, and I most likely will. There's no doubt in my mind that once I actually meant something to her and she valued me back about as much as I valued her.

Yonas on the other hand, him and I are still friends and our friendship is closing in on being longer than the active time of friendship me and Jixi had. Yonas values me, and I believe he does so genuinely. I'm not the sunshine in his life, but at least I'm one of the pretty stars on his night sky. I don't expect anything from him but I'd still give him everything. I know that he is far more important to me than I am to him, but that's how all my relationships have been. I've never met anyone who can love as much as I can. I have a huge distrust against people and am horridly coloured by the relations that I've had. I constantly believe that people are going to get bored with me and leave me without telling me any other reason, and or never really liked me to begin with.

I think most people face my distrust, and then just decides that they are going to prove me wrong, dead seriously. But, as time progress, they'll realize I'll probably never will trust them or put any expectations on them and if I do, we're talking years.

To add the fact that I'm having a huge personality difference in between hanging out people I'm not trying to have a relation with and people I want around me. I go from being so independent that nothing could rock me out of my shoes to clinging to tight around you that you can't breathe, smothering you even more with affection you can't respond to in the same manner nor amount. And getting to know, even being honestly told, that someone you consider a friend doesn't trust you is very disheartening. Also, a tad bit contradicting to all the affection I throw out. "I love you! But I don't trust you at all."

Yonas, I think is at ease with it. He knows I trust him more than pretty much anyone else besides Foxy. He also knows I will leave him space for his life, with and without me. Nowadays it's more without me, but when we still attended school together I just showed up sometimes, and hung around him like a belt; comfy sometimes, less comfy other times and in the way at certain situations. I popped up and disappeared a little whenever and all the time trying to compensate between my "need" for him and the mood around him as in was I wanted there or not.

Thing is, I'm a bit too much for one person to handle but I only want to hang around with one person - a soul mate. The soul mate doesn't need to be a lover, though I don't mind a combination of the two to reduce the amount of people I need around me and/or the amount of myself I need to suppress/delete from existence.

I've cut and sliced in myself so much over the years that I don't know who I am any more. And I mean it more psychologically than physically.

I think I'm having a slight bit of an identity crisis. It's nothing bad, it's just the identity crisis I should have had in my early teens, but didn't because I was too busy trying to handle it.

I started my identity by mending with Jixi, but then we got ripped apart abruptly and then I guess I fell out of her life. I stood kinda still for quite some time, still trying to mend and grow with Jixi believing that one day she'd break free from her prison and come back to me. When I deep down started to realize, though not yet stopping myself from hoping, that she wasn't going to come back for me; she was leaving me behind; it was then I slowly started to look for another soul mate. What I met was people promising me heaven and left me with nothing but a bigger hole in my heart and self. I want to take someone in and grow along with it. I want someone to synchronize with and form an item with. Someone just like me.

I can see why some would get children, with these types of feeling; you create someone who is pretty similar to you and whom is forced to depend on you for years before it can even start to think about separating from you successfully. But I don't want offspring. I don't want to carry myself on. I want to find that part of myself that's missing.

But thinking about it, I'm more likely to be successful only if I try to stitch up that hole inside me and pretend as if it never was there to begin with. I'll be mutilated and look misshaped, but I'll probably manage better than with a big gaping wound filled with pus and gore.

I don't really know what to do with myself, and the person I want to talk to about this, isn't here. To top it of, I don't know when I'll see him the next time either.


Now I'm going to shower, and wonder why I wrote this which nobody will read.
G'night.

Taking a walk with gholen

Today feel like two days. First an OK day at work, then I come home in time to get invited out on a photograph walk with gholen. Nicely timed since I just finished the toy for Suki. He really loves those toys I craft for him.

The pic in this entry is one of the pics I took. I didn't take very many.

I got a call from my doctor and my anemia is acting up again. Or perhaps acting down, since I have a huge iron and blood deficiency. So it's not so strange I feel so worn out lately.

Now I'm really exhausted and I'll call it an early night.

G'night all.

Lonesome without the other half

Today's been a very hard day to be alone, with my BP rising and dropping all day, and my gluttony taking the best of me... But what really has been troubling me today is how much I miss Foxy. It's at a very deep and profound level, not the usual one that's more emotional.. This feel more chemical. Since it's not really that "more shallow" version that is emotions kinda coming and going which I can shed a small tear and then it feels better. I'm not sad to cry, I'm just at a great loss. It's very similar to the feeling of starving and has kinda the same effect too; I try to grasp desperately for what's missing. Though the difference is, I can't eat to miss him less, and I he's not here for me to grasp either.

It feels kinda odd to not be insecure though. I feel equally pitiful but mostly just because I can't really control this emotion, though I try to handle it.

I don't really know how to handle emotions, should I keep them from showing or should I focus more on how they effect me as a person? I am having trouble with either choice one and one, doing both is beyond my ability right now.

I started this day off poorly with a bad dream too, woke up nauseous and forgot to bring the bus card to the bus when I was gonna go to work, so I missed the bus and barely made it in time to work to be able to finish before the store open. I guess I was "lucky" to plan ahead to take the earlier bus. Did anything go my way today? The cheeseburger I bought was horribly over-salted and the bread was burned, but that didn't ruin much for me, I kinda wanted that cheeseburger anyway. I guess everything tastes better when you're starving.

I don't think next week is going to be very pleasant, unless foxy comes back that is. I'm gonna be working overtime with things I really don't feel like doing, mostly because I need that Saturday free. I would rather skip all the birthday stuff and ditch work Friday and Saturday to go visit Foxy on Thursday afternoon and stay 'til Sunday night, take a night train home and take the Monday from there. But I can't do that, and I won't either. But I just feel so... heavy and desperate without him. It's best described as being dismembered.

I'm too helplessly in love. It's really tragical and pathetic.

Oh, and today was my mother's birthday. No clue how old she is; she'll never get older than 42 to me.

I really don't like kids

I have nothing interesting to think about anymore, therefore I think about a little bit of everything, looking at things from different angles.

Like today; my two biggest inputs are people with children and alcoholics.

I see this alcoholic couple sitting in front of me on the bus, they stink so badly I throw up a little in my mouth several times, and their conversations... They ate completely brainless. How are those persons reasoning? Why would anyone want to become such a person? Maybe they never were anything much to begin with, or maybe they just never gave it a chance? Or they threw it away?

And due to today's events, I just keep on realizing I don not like children. It's like talking to a turtle and expect it to understand you and talk back to you. I really can't adjust to them and I have nothing in common with them.

I wonder what differs me from everyone else. I don't think I differ that much, and that makes me rather disgusted actually. There are a few decent people out there, some smarter than others. You don't have to be smart to be a good person, and you aren't automatically awesome just because you are smart.

Every time someone calls me intelligent I feel misjudged. I don't think I'm that intelligent, even though my current relationship theoretically builds on the fact that my partner thinks I'm brighter and more intelligent than everyone else he has ever met, except maybe for his mother; she is a very intelligent woman, and it's me doubting whom of us is the more intelligent one not my partner who hasn't expressed his opinion. I feel as if people see what they want to see in me. And I think I reflect my surroundings, or rather the people I'm with in a way that they either like me or dislike me because they see themselves in me.

I'm not very smart, I just used to have a wild imagination. I still do to some extent, I'm just to tired and uninspired to let it run. Lately I've become really slow, mix things up and it takes a while before I remember something. I don't forget much, I just need more time to find the memory in my head.

I wonder, what makes me seem smart? I don't think I have that "sharpness" that intelligent people have. The brighter a person is, the "sharper" I perceive them. Like Foxy's mother; if I had to describe her with one word I'd use "sharp" it's like she cuts the entire air around her with her mind. I don't mean it in a negative way, it's very neutral, but it creates a disadvantage to everyone bright enough to perceive that edge; you know she can outwit and analyze your every move. I'm fascinated and don't have a competitive nature in the moment. Yes, I do regret not being brighter than her, but it's not like I let it affect her or our relation.

I don't know if my "self control" is a sign of my intelligence or stupidity. I don't really let people affect me in the moment; I just take things in and bring it home with me to analyze. I can't say I don't get affected by people at all; I'm a human, it's impossible to not be affected by impressions. I just rationalize it before I get affected.

I'd really like to have an intellectual discussion about what make me seem intelligent, and what would actually be true. Normally I'd talk about this with Foxy, but I have a shortage of Foxies around me right now. And we are kinda stuck in the fact that I'm intelligent, that's why Foxy likes me. I've been talking about it a little bit too much, so it just makes me seem insecure, mostly because I don't really dare to go out full blown - because I don't want him to leave me when the main thing for the relationship crumbles and falls - and it's kinda stupid to be arguing for the fact that you're stupid. I'm not stupid, just not as smart as people tell me I am.

I'm a copy-cat. Once I was amazed by my friend Jixi because she was so smart, so I decided that I wanted to be smart too, so I read a lot, and listened to what she had read (which was way much more than I could read) and learned it too. "Monkey see monkey do" - that's the theme of my entire being. I just choose what to look at.

G'night y'all.

How much longer?

I really don't feel well. I'm dizzy, queasy and beyond tired. Eating is so painful, I get a blood pressure drop every time I put something in my mouth, and it hurts where the ribs end on my right side. My stomach/gut feels like it's burning up or being dissolved by acid. I feel pressure on the sides of my head, and sometimes it hurts too. I get this pressure pain that's shifting from the bone under my left eye to behind my left eye. It spreads over my entire face. My limbs fall asleep all of a sudden. Mainly my arms, but if I lean with my elbow on my knees the leg from the knee and down is numbing away almost immediately after I put my elbow/arm there. I can't focus, and if I do I feel incredibly strained.

And then there's the night time. I can't sleep. When I'm about to sleep I start to hallucinate, and I've done some more or less severely the last week. For a long time I've been seeing shadows move around, but I always figured it was just my imagination, but now I actually see stuff. The first night I actually saw something take form I saw a tuna jar, then moments later, I sat up, eyes wide open and clearly awake, only to find gigantic blue fingerprints in the ceiling. It wasn't an optical illusion. Other nights I've only seen shapes and sometimes objects. When I open my eyes I see something before me, then I realize I don't have such a thing in the room, and where I'm looking, it should be completely empty, but it isn't, so it goes away after a short while. Last night I saw a person, or parts of a person.

But what also is strange is how my body is starting to fight sleep. At first I just got uneasy, then scared for no reason at the sight of the moving shadows I normally see, with pulse rising. I was telling myself I was only being silly because I'm sleeping alone. Strangely enough, I was fine when I lived alone but for some reason now, my body is biologically screaming that something's wrong. I've managed to calm down. I don't get scared, but my body is pushing, as if my life is depending on staying awake. I get an adrenalin rush and a heartbeat ready for flight just when I'm about to hit the sleep, and it turns me wide awake and I have to start over again trying to fall asleep before I faint.

I get these pains, like I'm being pierced with a large, thick kinda dull needle. It mostly appears when I'm trying to sleep, and mostly in one place at the time. Mainly I feel it in my right leg, in the muscle or bone under the knee, slightly above the middle of the lower leg, and in my left leg. Also it appears where the bicep muscle attach to the bone on the upper arms, both of them. Also I get it in the things on my chest, usually being referred to as "breasts" in women. Mainly my left one. Is there a lump there? To me my entire chest glands are lumps so no, not really. I can feel the rib there though.

I've been continuously getting worse for years. My body is rejecting food, my thyroid gland is so large I constantly feel like I've got something stuck in my throat, or someone choking me. I get less and less energy and I'm loosing more and more of my thoughts. I'm like a wandering airhead.

I wonder more and more seriously how much time I have left on this earth. Every time I feel dizzy, queasy or like I'm going to fall into pieces, I desperately think I want to live! and repeat it almost like a mantra until I feel better.

I go from hot to cold. One minute I'm sweating like a pig (well, severely much more than I normally do, and I normally don't sweat at all) and the next one I'm cold as an icicle.

How much longer am I gonna be able to live on sheer willpower? When are they going to find out what's wrong with me? Why do I continue to get worse when I so desperately want to get better? I want to be healthy, I want to be able to draw again, I want to be able go outside and enjoy the spring. I want to exercise, swim, run, bike... I want energy. I want to be able to say "I feel fine, no fantastic!" ans actually mean it. Now I say "fine" but I still feel like shit. No matter how many times I say I'm fine, I don't get any better.

What am I going to do? I want to live so badly!

I want to count math.

Goofing off

Well, today I've managed to clean out my apartment enough to actually dare to invite people over, though not for dinner since the kitchen is still a mess, though less of a mess than normally. It's clean, and SPACIOUS! Woohooo!

And also - as today's picture shows - I've been playing around with a top I've never really gotten to wear and my old cheap makeup that shouldn't be put on anyone's face. And yes, I'm full of zits, or wounds after having zits. I don't photoshop away my flaws, I like to show up that I'm ugly. This pic makes me seem much more beautiful than I actually am, so you'll have to forgive me.

Heh...

Well... I'm off into the shower to wash off the makeup.

G'night.

Fed up, with food.

I've done it again; I've filled up my fridge with food I don't want to eat. I do that when I realize I'm out of food, and keeps in mind that I have to eat. Then I buy plenty food to last me a few days, assuming I can eat like a healthy person. Then I go home, munch on something of what I bought, then realize I'm stuffed and won't be able to eat any more that day. So then I've basically just wasted a day's worth of food. some foods I can push up the date of usage, other food expire the same day or the next day since I am a big fan of buying the soon to expire stuff at half the price.

I should be cleaning. I really should, but it's so boring to do it alone :( And it is indeed a little demotivating that I can't vacuum because the bag for the vacuum cleaner is full and I haven't got the slightest clue on what kind to buy for it. (there are means to get by it, I know, I just haven't gotten to it)

Other than that, I want to "redecorate" my blog, I think it's quite ugly as it is right now, especially the banner. Maybe I should even get my thumb out and make my own CSS to it, but only maybe. We'll see what I do and when I do it.

It would appear as if there actually are people finding their way to my blog, though I know most don't read it since the general time spent here is slightly more than a minute. I doubt anyone could read all my crap that fast... or can you?

I have been drawing a little (very little) lately, but it's nothing worth showing.

I wanna go out an play in the sun and in the forest, but the problem is it's too bright outside.

Well... gotta try doing something about this mess I call home.

Cheers.

[Silence Me]

I don't know who to turn to; suddenly I am all alone. Lip service friends, that's all I've got because; they don't have the power to do anything for me, nor can I demand anything from them. I don't need anyone, nobody needs me. I want to be needed; without someone to need me, I don't have any strength. I'm horribly clueless. I can't stand people anymore.

It's not the individuals themselves, I am very found of Yonas, Tony, Jixi and some other people, but I just can't reach out for them. When Foxy left for home, I intended to hang out with people as much as I could; I don't want to sleep alone since I don't trust that I will wake up again... But when I am about to actually contact the people to hang out with, I stand there very reluctant and slightly repulsed. I know that there is not a single person around - except for Foxy - that I can actually sleep around. I don't want to hang out with people, I don't want to talk to people, I don't trust anyone. I don't like talking to people; I feel like an electric discomfort and it gets completely white in front of my eyes so that I can't see, especially when I try to look into their eyes. It's like trying to recall a detail that you never looked at in a picture. I feel very awkward and I want to end the conversation before it started.

I don't want to look at people, I don't want to talk to people, I don't want to be around people; it feel it physically revolting, even if it's only a slight feeling. Enough to compel me from wanting contact.

I'm lonely. I hate admitting it, but I am. And it's most likely my own fault, because I'm not the kind of person serious people want to be around. I'm waaaay too needy for being a loner.

I don't know what to do, so I'll just go to bed.

G'night.

Beyond grace?

Last week I got an interview for a small part time job, which I actually got too. I started on the first of may and have been working one hour every morning this week (I was free Sunday) which is the amount of time I spend on the job; I clean a coffee shop once a day on the even weeks. And apart from that job, I have been offered a week of internship at the restaurant in the museum, which I am also attending this week. So I have been working hard these two days. I wonder how dead I'll be on Saturday, which I am also working during the day.

What is really nice with the internship in the restaurant is that I get two meals there; breakfast and lunch. The food is really delicious and the work really fun, though way too tiring and heavy for me, and dries out my hands completely.

Working hard is something I really like. When I get home around half passed four my feet hurt so bad I can't stand up any more, and I'm so tired I fall asleep instantly if I lay down. It's wearing me out completely, but for a week I can do it.

I think people complaining on their wages are silly; for food and lodging I could do almost any work, provided my body was healthy. It doesn't take much money to survive, but I guess the luxury a lot of people in this country have is really important. I'm not saying that everyone should work like slaves for food and lodging only, but I do think more people should try working for food and lodging only for a while to learn how fortunate they actually are to be able to live as they do today.

Well... Guess I'll take a shower before I need to go to sleep again.

G'night y'all.