NEVER AGAIN!

I am never ever ever forgetting food in my fridge to rot. I forgot I had some ham in a plastic jar, and since I'm cleaning out my kitchen before I leave to visit friends, I find all the dirty disgusting things I forgot I had (more like noted it had turned bad, so I pushed up the sanitation process and then it got so far back into the fridge I forgot it) and need to clean before it takes over my home while I'm gone.

It's sooo nasty and I hope I don't get mould spores all over. Not a big worry since I'm gonna clean more or less everything off anyway but.. meh! Still gross.

I'm more or less done with the fridge and the dishes, so I look at the rest of my apartment and go all *siiiigghh* because there's so much clutter all over. Clutter is my biggest enemy; once it's there I can't get rid of it. Well, I can. it just takes time since it builds up so fast...

Tomorrow I'm attacing the commercials and the small-stuff. Sorting laundry and all of that. We'll see what I'll do. What was important is the dishes and the fridge. Well, the bathroom is important too since we just cleansed it, but it still smells, so I gotta go over it with some chemicals.

I don't have enough energy to clean three days in a row, but I kinda have to. I want it clean! And I need to throw out a lot of crap, no need to save so much useless stuff.

Now I'm gonna draw some more I think. Or go to bed.
G'night.

Tired and skinny

No art from me today either. Maybe tomorrow, we'll see.

I've been so insanely tired these last 5 days. I still think it's Sunday. All I've done is sleep, and when I didn't sleep I wanted to, badly. I can't focus my eyes and my fingers are all over the place when I type. Chatting is almost impossible since I type and press enter, and then I see that you can hardly tell what I meant or what I was referring to. It's a bit easier in this blog since I can see the red-line before I press send and can go back and change. I'm serious when I say that I've edited pretty much every other word.

I've lost weight too. I'm aware of how much I write about my weight, but it's because it's hard to maintain it. My body wants to weigh less than I should, so it takes every shot it can to make it so. I've lost one kilo this weekend, and it's been kept down because I've been too tired to stuff my face. I've still been stuffing my face with unhealthy food, but it doesn't really matter when I still don't fill my calorie quote for the day. And for some reason, I burn fat when I sleep. Not much, but more than I do sitting awake idling around.

What I want to say is; I'm not trying to rub my weight in people's faces. I'm mainly thinking about those who have a hard time loosing weight and are obese despite keeping a healthy eating habit. They are many and I feel guilty about being so skinny and having to fight to not loose weight.

Truth is, I should be fat. I'm heavy boned and I have a metabolism disease that more or less makes you fat. The only thing that made me gain weight was p-pills. So I'm mostly carrying water, that's why I loose weight so easily. I can't say my body shape is very flattering; I look bigger than I am. I'm skinny, but in reality I'm skinnier than I look. Why it is like that, I don't know, but I still have to verbalize my need for food so that I remember to eat. I don't get hungry, but I can eat when I'm bored. I'm too tired to eat now, but I do my best anyway.

No more babbling from me. OMG is it thursday already?

Disappointed

I know I said I was gonna tell about the weekend now, but no. I have to vent some pathetic self pitiful whining first.

There's been so many good things happening to me lately, that I've been happily detaching myself from myself. But yesterday it hit me, and today I've just realized so many things I didn't want to admit.

I don't want to be disappointed in myself, I don't want to know how ugly I am, how stupid I am or how incapable I am. I don't want to admit how unskilled I am, and something I never wanted to loose, I am loosing; my perfect memory. What I remember is just fine, but it's all from far back and it takes longer and longer for me to find the memories. I'm a complete mental mess in the sense that I have no clue about anything. If I didn't know better, I'd think someone was drugging me.

I can't voice my thoughts, everything I say sounds so wrong, not to mention stupid. And I do a lot of stupid things too. I act like a complete airhead and act before I even try to think. I'm completely empty-headed. It's like I can't see any options, there are too many so I have no clue what to do, and instead I just act on instinct which normally makes me end up as bright as I was yesterday.

I'm  not happy with what I am. I am ok with who I am, and in my own egoistic point of view I'm pretty ok, and I like myself quite a lot. Then I take a look in the mirror, and realize I'm not at all like I imagine.

I am not friends with my exterior at all. Not only is my body a piece of junk function-wise, it's ugly and extremely hard to dress. The clothes I like looks godawful on me, and the clothes that suits my body type I hate. I really can't accept that I have a female body, and I can't accept that people see me as one.

I've been trying to embrace the fact since there's not much else I can do. But... I just.. can't. I'm too self aware and I hate it when people treat me like a girl, because I looks so downright girly. I was built to breed, nothing more nothing less, but not even that I can nor do I want to do. I don't have a mind suitable for offspring. I hate children, I don't even like the children in my family.

I don't know what to do with myself. I don't like this at all. And becoming dis-associative isn't working either. I just want to crawl under a rock and never meet anyone ever again.

Now I'm gonna hide under the blanket and wonder what to do about myself.

The Adventure

 Today was a small adventure; the adventure of a retarded artist, in a car. Not an exciting or epic tale worth telling, but I'm gonna tell you anyway, since this blog never was about anything of interest.

Well, started off good this morning by waking up fairly rested. I went with my father to his job to pick up a car he just bought and drive it to a check-up to see if it's good enough to drive on the roads or not. I'm terrible at finding my way by car, I have a good sense of direction normally, but that doesn't help when the roads go a little as they please.

I had a map an pretty thorough directions, but by the time it was driving time, I was already tired and had a headache. But off I went, and it started out good, but soon turned bad as I started to follow the road signs and somehow (that I still don't quite comprehend) I ended up on an entirely different road. I had to take a big detour, with my father on the phone to guide me, but it went pretty smoothly, though I later on thought I had driven wrong, but I hadn't so I got instructed via phone the rest of the way.

Once at the car-inspection, I made a complete fool out of myself and I started to wonder where my sign was. And wrote "Stupid (this is my official sign)" on the back of my map. What I did was - note that I've never done this kind of thing before - I first off missed the giant sign saying what I was supposed to do and where I was supposed to park, being one hour early I didn't wanna pull up in front of the car ports, but I saw the huge "sign in here" sign and a parking lot over to the left of the building with a P-sign. So I parked there, neatly and orderly, and went in to tell the computerized system that I was there. Of course, I'm once again completely blind and mindless.

The point screen computer was directly to the left of the door, so I only sa a huge white thing in the corner of my eye, assumed it a closet or locker, and then there only was an office door, a toilet and one door on each side of the room to the workshops. A man walks through into the big workshop and I follow, thinking it might be a reception in there.

So I stumble into the big hall, looking lost, blond and very stupidly I ask where that check-in computer is. The youngest of them (probably only a year or two older than me) show me the computer, which I now see has very big letters on it saying "Register your arrival here". He asks me if my car is the Audi standing outside (a car arriving after me, it was completely vacant when I got there, hence a lot of my confusion; no crowd to follow/observe/learn from) and I tell him I parked on the side since I'm so early. He gives me a funny look then tells me to park in front of the ports and wait for my licence plate's numbers to appear on the screen (a screen I also completely failed to notice) and I reassure through some questions that I won't be in the way.

On the way back to my car, as I pass the P-sign, I see that it has a sign under it saying "Employees" and it dawns on me why he gave me the funny look. While I drive to the ports, I notice the big very pedagogic sign that was straight in front of me when I turned into the lot. Now I'm feeling really embarrassed - which is something I rarely do since I rarely act this stupidly - and it's here I write the Stupid-sign.

I wish I could say that the adventure ends there, but it doesn't. The car passed through, with flying colours I believe, and I'm going to drive the same way back that I came from. Of course I drive wrong here too. There's a road merging with the one I was driving on, making it look like a crossing with a road to the right. The road turns to the right and I was supposed to turn with it, but I just drove straight. So once again daddy comes to the rescue by phone and I find my way back to where I'm supposed to recognize where I am. Of course I misread the signs and drive wrong... AGAIN. But now I kinda know where I am and follow the road signs to a road I know inside and out, but it wasn't that one of the two roads I know inside and out I was supposed to get on. But all roads lead to Rome, right?

And for you in horror and shock about me being on the road; don't be. My driving is fine, it's almost on instinct. But being as tired as I was today, driving well was all I could do. Driving well AND read directions, not so much.

And wasn't it just my luck that the same guy showing the the automatic sign-in thing checked the car. All of my credibility was right down the dump (blond stupid girl with perhaps a rich dad since I was driving a Mercedes-Benz, who knows nothing about cars) so I didn't get to know more than "That's good" and "This is ok". But he looked a bit pleasantly surprised when he saw how well-kept the underside of the car was. I also surprised him with knowing what a catalyst (emission control device) was.

Now I just gotta patch my dad up after the whole burden of having a destinationally challenged child. He seems fine about it, but I said I'd have to be a complete retard not to find my way, in the morning.


About the weekend? I'll take that tomorrow.
Now: bed.

Tired, but happy

Today is Friday the thirteenth, and I've been pretty lucky today, when things fudged up, they still worked out fine and I had a really nice day.

The bad stuff was:
1. I couldn't sleep
2. I had to pay the bus fare downtown since I couldn't walk after a sleepless night.
3. The meeting took about 20 min longer than I thought and I had about 9 minutes to buy a birthday gift and recharge my buscards.
4. I forgot the code to the credit card so I had to use my normal card which wasn't thoroughly equipped with money for that.
5. I was certain I was gonna miss my train since I had 4 min to run a 10min walk. I still ran and tasted blood.
6. I had to buy more stuff than expected.
7. I didn't get to role play before I had to leave.
8. The gift I bought had chocolate in it, and I had forgotten the birthday boy was lactose intolerant.

The good stuff:
1. I had enough money for all my purchases.
2. I didn't miss the train; it left 6 min later than it said online, and I met a friend when I was getting on.
3. I managed the day fine despite being so tired I didn't know my own name.
4. Everything went as planned.
5. It was a really nice day.
6. I got some exercise.
7. The gift that had chocolate in it didn't contain any lactose.
8. I managed to catch an earlier bus home from downtown.

And what I did today was that I went to a meeting at the unemployment centre, then I met up with a friend who has his birthday today. We (him, me, his mother and girlfriend) ate some pastries at a café and then went to his place to play a board game he received an expansion of as a birthday gift. Then we made role-playing characters and had a lot of fun hanging out with some of his friends.

His mom is totally awesome btw. Never met such a laid back and openly youthful mother.

Now I'm home and totally exhausted. But I'm happy; it was a really nice day and I hope to get some sleep.
G'night.

Some change

Rejoice People!
It is thundering outside and I more or less just finished a quick gift-art thing for the ever so lovely choke. A vector made 0,5L cola bottle. I'm still a bit unused to working with vectors, especially when it's lineless.

Any other news? Nah, not really. I was doodling some last night, or this morning (which is night for me) but nothing worth showing.

I should be gettin' it on with the ponies I have left, but I needed some rest in general. The cola bottle just snuck in between. 6 hours it took me, in two sittings.

I had a nice shower yesterday and felt pretty productive although I wasn't.

Should try to get some exercise and move my legs and arms more, the arms hurt when I lay still and the lags have begun to swell around the knees. Not nice. And even though my ass is very jiggly, without muscles, it's a PAIN to sit on. I can really tell that I used to walk a lot before, now that the muscles are gone, but still pretty usable.

The other day we took a walk downtown and home, which is about 6km walk. I was completely exhausted when I got home, it's uphill all the way home, and we had the foods with us. Energy; completely used up, but the muscles had plenty more to give, the only thing hurting the next day was my feet that aren't used to being put pressure on, let alone those extra 8kg I gained last summer.

Now I'm gonna learn how to sing "Don't talk to strangers".

Take care nao,
Aizic out.

Taking it slow

I did draw a pony yesterday, but with my reversed day-rhythm it's all mostly done during night. I'm hoping on getting some colouring done tonight at least, but we'll see. Yesterday was more about the doodles I drew apart from the ponies.

The pony I drew

I got a nice offer from my very sweet cousin who had suggested me as an illustrator. It's not written in stone that my illustrations will be accepted, but it's a very nice chance, and I'm really happy she mentioned me. I'm gonna try this out with all of my heart. Hopefully, I won't make her regret her decision to recommend me.


In health news, I have gotten this cream to put on my hands, and so far it's doing wonders despite being terribly annoying and time consuming. I have to put that stuff on my hands, and plastic gloves on top of it for at least 1½ hours at a time, twice a day. Now, just because I wear gloves it doesn't mean I can use my hands, rather the opposite since I get that goo all over it when I put them on. So I basically have to sit for 3h a day and stare at the wall. Fun. I try to watch a movie or something in the meanwhile, but I'm running out of options. I've even been reduced to watching the newest "My Little Pony: Friends are Magic" cartoon. I'll give that the story and writing is by far better than the others, but I scream out in horror over the music and the the art style. And yes, it is directed at adults and children alike. But don't expect nostalgia, this is pretty much an entirely new and different show. Only similarity is that it's about ponies, magic and girlie stuff, and boys are there as some sort of fill-out every once in a while.

Movie recommendations are much appreciated. If I ever feel like my home is representable for guests, I don't mind some company. I'm glad to have cleared my kitchen of all the recyclables at least. So much space!

Next step; clear out closet!

Another thing going on in my life right now apart from all these ponies and being poor is that I really wish for my Foxy to get a job. Mostly for his sake rather than money. He needs to work, hard. It would also be nice to move somewhere new, throw out all the crap I don't need in the process. I want better water, drinkable water. I guess I want some change too. It's comfy living where I live now, but I want drinkable water. I never realized how important that is to me.

Well... I'll blabber more about it some other time.

Now on to some colouring!

Heh, no piccies

I guess I've been wearing myself down a bit with all the work. Today just sucked all life out of me and I got a headache. Now that it's night the headache has passed a bit, but it's still making my head feel like it's full of sand. Hopefully I'll get some energy later tonight so that I can keep working on the commissions.

But it's ok to take a slow day too I guess.

It's just that I've been so hungry today, so I guess I should start cookin' some food before I nom up all the unhealthy noms, that still won't satisfy my hunger.

So, have a nice night.

I'm making a note here; huge success!

Wow, I mean really; WOW!
This pony thing is going really well. I'm incredibly happy! And it's soo much fun! I'll give that I can't draw as much as I want to in one day due to my health, but I'm still having a blast! Colouring the ponies is also very useful practice. I know I've said all this before, but I just can't express how much fun this is.

Today I've done one lineart and two colourings. I coloured the lineart I made.

I coloured my fourth commission first; it felt like it needed some priority, being put behind a bit.

I've also been getting so many (it sounds like more than it is) orders now that I've made a proper commissions list for waiting line, what order which commission was taken and if there's a price adjustment (I have three commissions from before I changed the price, and they will have that promised price) as well as where I got commissioned and if it's paid or not.

This is the pony I made today by first drawing the lineart and then coloured.

In total, I've made 9 ponies now; 7 commissioned ones, 1 thank you pony and a surprise gift. It's a bit nice to see them all piling up in the folder. The only pity is that I will have to part with the originals, which is something I'm not used to doing, at all. I haven't sold art in this way before, therefore I still have every single little drawing-doodle since I started to draw. I'm not kidding, I can scan it and show you.

For those of you wondering why this entry is timed on the 4th when in fact it's almost 6am at the moment I typing this: I like to have the posts on different dates that's why. *Am a cheater*

Now I should really go to bed though.

G'night.

New banner!

Personally, I think it looks a lot better than the old one. Best one so fat actually. And yes, a pony. I made everything you see in it, the pen, the eraser, the paper... All done by me in detail. *boasts a little*

Today, for the lovely change, it was snowing this morning. All of the swedes went "Wat, snow? O_º " as if they've never seen snow before. I'll give I had to comment on it too, since it was snowing in may and that is indeed a WFT moment.

Artwise, today has been a success! I got a commission for two ponies from one person, and I finished the lineart today. It was a big success! And there seems to be more commissions rolling in, which is thrilling me way past overjoyed!

I did increase the price though; about €5 now, plus postage on that. But it includes the coloured pony. Originally I wasn't intending to colour them but... I seem to do it anyway. And it's good for me. It was my commissioners that encouraged me to increase the price.



I can't believe how lucky I am to get commissioned; it's a luxury given to only the chosen artists, the über good ones. Yet I - a n00b who is 100% self-taught - have that privilege too. It really makes me think I might have a future working with these kinds of things for a pay-check I can live on. I don't need a lot to live, but it's hard being an artist and trying to manage on it. Unless you're Beoncé or Bono.

Ah, one can dream, right? Tomorrow's project; drawing dragons and a pregnant pony. These commissions are getting me new and more works. It's so much fun and I hope it will last. I've been so uninspired before I started drawing these ponies. Now I are happicat.

But now; Bed!

More and more ponies, oh mai!

I've currently coloured 4 ponies, but I've made 6 of them, of which 2 have been bought. I have a new commissioner and on the pony front all is well. I've even upped the price a bit, on my commissioners demand. The ones who already ordered still have the old price (I have 3 in line which I'm just awaiting the information from so that I can start drawing).

Oh, and the poni on the lower right of the picture is a ponification of a game character as a thank you for getting 3 months premium membership at DA.

If you want to see the ponies better you can see them at my DA:


In other news in my life:
I broke a glass yesterday and today I went shopping. Woohoo. Very interesting. Well... My kitchen is starting to look nice again. I seem to always collect a tiny mountain of dirty dishes as I never seem to catch up to them. Mostly due to the limited space for drying, as I do dish a little every day.

Pity about the glass though; it was a nice glas. I liked it very much. And I'm not used to breaking things, so I'm really happy Ch0ke offered me one of his ♥

And yes; I AM gonna pretty up my blog banner. It's terribly ugly in my eyes.

~ off ~