Oh... Oh my...

I had one of the weirdest dreams in a long time. I dreamed I had an Anubis mummy in my room in an old house of ours, and it was waking up, threatening to kill everyone it came across, unless I drew comics with it where it had a lover. Then my mother had moved and forced me to go to her new house, not allowing me to leave and draw more comics of the Anubis and it's lover. My mother (for some reason) had my father's kittens living with me, and they were toilet trained, but you had to watch them while they.. went on with their business. They pooped long worms with see through skin and whiteish grayish inside and an ink blue line along its inside body from head till tail. It as thick in the head, thinner in the tail, very disgusting. And disturbing.

The Anubis arose and were hunting me down, and for some reason I offered myself as it's lover so I did not have to draw all the shit. Then it turned into a killer whale and we were swimming in a swimming pool and it was happy. I was thinking about Foxy but in the dream there was no Foxy...

Very very strange indeed. Have no idea where any of the stuff came from. I mean.. Anubis? I liked the horror dream with computers in the same room better.

Back where I... Belong?

My father is back home again, apparently it was nothing serious, or so they think at least. He is not in any pain right now and hopefully sleeping soundly. They think it is a kidney stone so he will be going to the hospital tomorrow for more tests.

I am home, safe, sound and fresh out of the shower. The rosehip soup I bought before going away was to my joy still durable. I am mostly glad since I have little else to drink at home...

Bills are paid, letters are still to be sent here and I have an appointment I came home just in time for.

Soon I am off to bed before I think too much abut Foxy, or myself for that matter :S

G'night

Shit happens..?

Well...

My Brother called me at half past six PM, and told me our father was in the hospital.

Apparently he has had a really bad stomach ache all weekend, and ended up so bad he couldn't move from pain. So it is not his heart, and when I talked to my brother they had no idea what it was, they had X-rayed him, but I do not know if they had the result yet or not.

I will try to go home tomorrow, and will probably go to my father's to tend to his cats, and pay him a visit at the hospital. I am hoping for the appendix, or something minor that will be resolved easily.

I have that typical "but he sounded fine when I talked to him on the phone friday evening..." and I feel guilty for not really asking how he was feeling. He asked me how I was since I am so sickly... I hope he will be ok.

...

Almost embarrassing

Well; I have been turning things upside down lately, found a pretty nice tutorial for lineart which I made a quick sketch of (as can be seen attached to this entry)just to see how it works. I still have a "hell of a lot" left on learning coloring. Once I get to make a really nice line art I am getting onto it.

Other than that? If I can hitch a ride I go home tomorrow, otherwise I go home on Tuesday as latest, and I go home either way alone. Makes me sad to think about being apart from Foxy for at least 19 days, but it is not like it will kill either one of us.

Better get back to doing nothing of value.

Fight against time

This time, I am attempting to edit a post! No time to draw something before the date change, but I am going to post something along with this pic. It is not like I haven't been drawing, I just did not manage to create something I was content with, not even as a scrap.

Maybe I should start taking request? Yeah, why not? If you want a request, just comment me or send a message on my deviantART.

Other than that? Well, I know it is silly but it really feels nice to hear a silent morning-voiced "I will miss you when you go home. A lot." when you wake up, and then getting held in a warm embrace. About as nice as waking up by being lifted up from the floor, held completely in a strong pair of arms, only to receive a few kisses, and then go back down on the floor again.

And I like sleeping in a real bed and I do not look forward to >19 days alone. I guess it is time to saddle up and get social. I dunno how long I will dare to sleep alone, likewise I dunno how long I can stand other people. I am not quite as user friendly as I used to be. I guess I will work something out. I can always have a big cleaning marathon in my apartment... assuming it will take days to gather the physical strength... Yes, I am weak.

So.. Off drawing or off eating.. only the cook has the answer. Fishsticks seems very tasty right now.

UPDATE
As you can see; there is now a picture attached to this entry. A quicky but still. The photograph used for this portrait can be found here.

//Aizic

Rejoicing

I can not possibly explain how wonderful it is to be able to breathe during night! These last two nights I have been able to sleep without using breathing aid, which is so lovely I could never put it to words.

It looks like I will have to go back home again alone as Foxy will stay to go to the dentist, and I am having to go back to pay the bills. But I can go visit my father if need be. A little alone time will probably not hurt.

I just wish I can get a ride home...

Nudity

...Is really hard to draw. If someone has a tip on good places to learn from (like links to websites) that is not porn, I would appreciate if you linked me.

I have been trying to draw a girl-model of mine in a few poses, and I just fail miserably. I should really try some more tutorials in feet >_<

Other than that I do not have much else to add today. I want to shower and wash my clothes, but I guess that is all. Today has been a very weird day; I forgot to take my medication yesterday so I lost my mind today (it is only hypothyroid medication) and did some really stupid things, but hey; I can regret it when I can think again.

So I guess I will... Keep practicing?

Roughly put; I have had a bad and short day today. I did create two things; "the truth about vaginas" and this little piece.

I wish I could photograph some, especially since there are two tiny puppy dogs here. But of course I left my camera at home.

I wonder if there should be a theme and topic in this entry, but all I have to talk about is pain and how annoying it is when the painkillers are not working.

Well, tea is tasty and I am tired.

G'night.

Leeching

The subject of today, I assume, is being supported by someone else.

I am one of those proud/guilt-struck people that find it really hard to have someone else support you. BUT! There is a big but here; I am as it is not financed by the social security net here, and forced to apply for jobs even though I am ill and trying to get myself a doctor to cure me. I am today supporting two persons on one existence minimum granted by the social services, in a county that is very strict on the society's scum (like me who is young and unemployed) and forces me to go through things there is no way that I can manage.

Although, the subject is not about me leeching on society or someone leeching of me; the subject is about this situation;

A friend of Foxy's said he might be able to get Foxy a job, but then we have to move to where we are right now (around Foxy's home parts) which is more or less on the other side of the country. It seems to be a job that Foxy could do and be content with while I am trying to get health care and get well.

The thing is I would be so much at ease if that could come true. I could focus on taking it easy and getting well instead of stressing out over the crowded medical care and the pressure to get a job. But I would feel so bad about leeching and depending on someone else.

The good things;

• I get the financial monkey off my back
• I can get well in proportions of the health care synptom
• I will not be forced to apply for jobs I can not perform
• I will live closer to the capital
• Foxy gets to smash things.

The bad things;

• I will loose my apartment
• I will depend completely on Foxy
• I will not have any own income, at all
• I will move to the other side of the country
• I loose access to a car
• My guilt of having someone else support me

I would really be in the hands of Foxy and at Foxy's mercy. As everyone that knows me knows; I have a really hard time trusting people. But I can easily work against the cons.

And just because I was ranting about it here, I will probably not happen anything.

G'night all.

Artistic?

Well, I have been doing some drawing today; working on some characters and faces aswell as actually drawing a strip for a comic. Though I possess no means to share them as it is right now. I also made two desktops which are being hosted at gholen's server. Feel free to download.

Other than that I really feel like taking up writing. I even managed to make a friend to exchange my writings with. I am a little excited, but have little faith in myself at the moment. We will see how I do; hopefully she will help me improve.

Well, got nothing more at the moment...

Well, the quest goes on..!

I am trying to sketch some more on male bodies (I am horrible at making good hips...) and play off a little with the fishes I made for Likström.se.

I temporally put up a new BG as the other one was not too nice for those with less width on their resolution than I have. But oh well.

I am at the keys of my own little laptop now and just might make some more ps edits, we will see about it.

Well, until I have something to say;

G'night, and don't let the flesh eating demon bed-babies bite!

Words from the illogical mind

Please bear with this as it is words from my illogical mind.

I am afraid. Illogically afraid and paranoid. I see scenarios before my eyes, or more like blocking out my vision. I know they are not real in any way but I still find myself affected for no reason, and what worse is I can not make them stop. I am heartbroken and experience the death anxiety and doubt you have the moments before you die.

I am weak; weaker than I ever knew I was, or maybe ever have been. I am sad and shaken with fear, and find myself trusting noone with the frail one I am now. I used to envision things like these - or worse; depending on what is precious to you - but I had forgotten during these months of happiness and absence. It is like not seeing a mirror for months, then you are put before it and gaze into eyes of madness, belonging to a unrecognizable corpse-like body of illness.

I do not want to find myself ill or mad, nor do I want to recognize my weaknesses. But this is what happens when you bring a creature of the abyss into the light; as soon as you turn your gaze from it, it WILL be dragged back down into darkness, experiencing all the horrors of the fall, and will have it lingering for a while when it is back in its belongings. I feel as if I have been insane for years, but only got the emotions just now.

All I want at the moment is the one person who makes it go away. Mostly because my delusions are about loosing that one person. I can not believe that that person even jokefully suggest that I might not love it. Love does not go deeper than this.

I should sleep before I frighten myself to death.

UPDATE!

Well, I have been up to some things lately, so I have not posted because of inactivity IRL, rather the opposite. I have a thing that I do not like to post without an image to attach to it, though I have lots of pictures of kittens, I do not have means to transfer them to the computer I am currently at. Only thing I have is a paint doodle...

So what have I been up to? Well, saying good bye to Foxy, go to my father, cuddle with kittens, had my design put out on likström for the beta testers, had a power cut and felt lousy physically.

I feel a lot of "should do" but do not really have the energy at the moment.

And I am a little agitated from entries in a forum written by a person who wants us to close our borders for refugees while claiming that will help our country evolve and culture be preserved. And he uses the word "secularisation" as one of the three things that makes Caucasian people better, and I have no idea how he makes it all go together.

The so called "white" people are no better than any other people. I am not a humanitarian, I hate all of humanity (misanthropy) and I have to say that it is the so called "white" people's fault. I am one who frequently meet up with eggheads from other countries online, or rather I mostly meet up with eggheads online but I still believe in that there are intelligent people out there. I just happen to get loads of love-seekers who do not know much english at all because I fill in 'female' more often than 'male' on penfriend sites. (mostly due to my high pitched voice) They can't help that they know too little english to understand that I am not interested.

What really frills up my underwear is the stupid "white" people's ideas that they are better than others. It is exactly the same trait that they accuse the Muslims and the other middle eastern religions (like Christianity) of having when hunting down certain kinds of people. What worse is that it is also that point of view that frightens my neighbours and several (most) refugees in this country; they came here to avoid those things, yet the "salvators" are the same - pardon my use of language - shit and are equally lost in the head. Not too long ago a "white" person threw a bomb through a window of a neighbour of mine, who was an old harmless single woman. You call THAT "better" than those "middle eastern people"? I say "you crawled out of your mama with that mind, or did you beat your own brains out afterwards?"

White people are NOT white people; White people are humans with low level pigment in their skin. That is the ONLY difference, except that they are taller than most asians. And low pigment does not equal better, actually it equals worse since we are more vulnerable to the sun and UV-light.

I myself am so white I am actually loosing my pigment completely in some spots. Am I better? Of course not! I have an ego larger than life and a body that is weak as can be. I used to be an intelligent and healthy little child living in a versatile community, but now... I guess I got tainted from all of humanity's stupidity.

You complain about their wars? Who made those weapons in the first place? And one more thing; we drugged an entire world because we had nothing to trade with them. Feel better about yourself yet?

I quote wikipedia: But with highlight on what is important

"China was defeated in both wars leaving its government having to tolerate the opium trade."

Forgetful Indeed

Hah, I was going to post something around 18, but I did not quite manage that, and now I am running on a new date. Fun. But oh well.

Today I have been redoing the paths onto the fishes I made for likström.se and that was more or less what made me unable top post sooner.

And so I had a very enjoyable skype conversation with daethorian, gholen and two other people, one girl that took her leave fairly early, and one guy I embarrassingly enough never caught the name of. I really like those people, and they are good people.



Today's drama though was due to a person who was very mean to me. I did not really take it to hart in the first part of the "drama" which was when the person was stupefying me and degraded me of my value to raise himself to the skies. I am kinda used to that behavior.

Then, a few days later, he put in an entry to the designer I created the fished for with a "I will give you some rough sketches of the fishes tomorrow or the day after tomorrow" in an IRC channel called #likstrom. Since he had been talking so highly and "professional" about himself, I was worried he was going to steal the space so to say, and ruin my good mood that "was able to help" and "I did something nice".

Well, at first I was just trying to tell him that my fishes already had been more or less decided upon as I already had submitted them, but as he snapped at me though I was trying (kind of desperately) to keep a positive tone and trying to spare him some work and waste of time. Then I became unsure that my fishes were good enough and that they would be cast away.

It was at that point I talked to the designer, and asked how it was "have you two decided upon his work, or is mine still having a part in it?" and I told the designer what he had told me and that I was unsure and felt confused, which I did. The designer got really upset about what he said and did to me, and told me he more or less never really wanted that guy's work in the first place. He reassured me several times and helped me regain confidence, even though I felt bad about not bringing it up with the person it was all about.

I was being very careful not to spill any misinformation or take something out of context so it would make the guy seem worse than he is and I was very careful to not do foul play as technically from his point of view we were design rivals after all. But I still feel bad about not talking to him personally.

The reasons why I did not talk to him about it is that
1. I KNOW I would put myself in a weak position and ask for forgiveness for something that was not wrong; I consulted others with my issues I could not solve alone.
2. I am actually afraid to talk to him since he without exception snaps at me like a woman with terrible PMS. And for absolutely no valid reasons. At least women with PMS have a reason.

There are more reasons, like that I am a coward because I do not want him to throw another of his fits at me though I try to be nice, but I can not put them in good ways to reflect reality.

I feel horribly about not talking to him as I am an all cards on the table kind of person. I absolutely not tried to put him in a disposition, I just wanted to know if my work and happiness was going to be thrown away as he claimed to be such a good designer/shape giver. But I am well aware of how he could mirror it whilst being angry; he could say I was manipulating daethorian and some other people to get my things through, win sympathy and crush competition that way because my pictures were not good enough to stand up against his. I can see all the mean words before me, and I have no idea how to handle them.

True I did not think my creations could stand up against his, but I never saw anything he had made, because he was really dragging his feet with this. Right before I voiced my concern, I read that the guy had been talking talking DAYS before with the designer and it sounded on him like they had an agreement, thus my increased concern and main reason to voice it.

But turns out that guy has been going on the designer's nerves for quite some time, and have not been fulfilling his duties either. And pushing me down and snapping at me was the straw that broke the camel's back. Apparently he was not able to follow the simple guidelines for the design either which was a lively 2d fish that was simple and close to the copyrighted fish they had used so far just to have something.

In a way, his failure just makes it sad that I even voiced my concern as he never really was a threat, and I feel a little like I was kicking on someone lying down without knowing it. Dragging his ass was just really unprofessional and even though he did not get payed, it took him about 8-10 days to even do something to submit, something I did on my first attempt in one night... And I am a n00b. And the ones he did submit was horribly horribly failed, if I understood it right. I am yet to see what he made.

It is sad he will be getting a reprimand and loose his position on the site (instead of gaining a title) but it was his own doings. I feel bad about not talking to him, but I feel the support from daethorian and gholen, and I believe there is nothing more I can do but to start drawing on Young's character in the comic I am hopefully going to draw, which was the initial point from the beginning.

That said, I also must confess I really like all of the management of the site Likström.se and I have a lot of trust in daethorian (as daethorian is the one I have spoken the most to) and I feel privileged to be able to talk to them all and aid them in finding site bugs and creating art for them. They are exactly what I need right now.

Over and out.

If it is not one, it is the other

Originally I was going to write something about what a lovely day I had yesterday and how nice gholen is to me and how glad I got when he gave me a camera bag and a tablet for ~€10. But my biggest issue today is my hands and eyes.

If it is not my eyes itching/hurting so I can not keep my eyes open, my top of my wrists are itching so I wanna cry. It is so painful in a way when it itches so much. It makes me want to cut off the skin, and not feel any pain compared to the itching.

Well, I will sigh loudly and get to work I guess; have not been able to create anything nice art wise in a while.

I will be back.

Appreciation..!

Today I worked on some new design features for my favorite community, and it was approved and will be used in the new design..! I am very joyful right now; I have that warm feeling inside. I rarely make things that people give me credit for in a real sense; like in this where my creations will be used for real in something thousands of people will see. Not necessarily care about or notice, but still! It will be there for their convenience!



I am taking all of this to heart, in the midst of my low self confidence. I have not felt this good about my drawing abilities since I was exchanging comics with Jixi.

My next project is creating comic characters from the people running the site, which is not the easiest task, but oh so fun ^^

Still working on drawn by night though, so that project is not abandoned.

*off drawing all night*
Wheeee!