Keeping on trying to make eyes

This would be my third attempt to make a pair of eyes. I'm still trying to figure how to get around the issue with Dwayna in her eye being so small... Perhaps I should tiny the pic back into one large eye instead of two? Or skip the iris and put Dwayna in all of her eyewhite instead...

I'm getting a bit flustered with not being able to make any good realistic eyes...

Hey big spender!

I'm not dead, just been very busy making that video tutorial to the pic I made for a competition. I'm going nuts about finding a video editing program that can help me edit out parts of a video so that I can clip it together with each other. GAH! I'm thinking about skipping the whole visuals thing in video form and just use images instead; it's just that much easier.

Today's been a big spender day. After sitting all night trying to cut out unnecessary parts from a video clip, I went to SIBA and bought an external hard drive and a new microphone. It was a bit of an adventure in itself as I first forgot the money at home (remembered it when I was outside the port) and then the note I was supposed to turn in to the Work-deployment centre, and then it had apparently snowed 15cm since they last shovelled the snow around the houses here, so I had to run through the snow, and of course I missed the bus. I got on a bus that technically would have let me get on the bus I was supposed to take, but I had to turn in that note. I ran through snow again, and missed the bus by one minute. So I took another one leaving nearby. I got there, bought the stuff, everything went fine, then I couldn't find the bus stop because of all the snow (and I'm not used to that area) so I went to the wrong bus stop (the next one in line) and missed the bus again. I got home though, just needed to wait a lot.

And once home, after sleeping some, I had a friend help me look for computer components to my father's old computer, and I pre-ordered them. So now I just have to wait for the motherboard to arrive in the store and I can go buy it all and build a sweetass computer that I can draw on LAG FREE! And play some games on as well, whee! Christmas comes early for me this year!

So now I've been sitting with the video thing and am gonna have a shower before I continue doing the video with images only.

Cheers!

A drawing madness!

I have been drawing like mad lately. It feels good to draw since I took up drawing by hand again. I have been drawing so much digitally that I forgot how much better I am with just a pencil in hand.

Last night I got myself into a tutoring session in the DeviantART chat and got an assignment to draw from a stock photo (pre-chosen by the tutor) without cheating, in other words just drawing on top of the picture. The whole point was anatomy, but I took the opportunity to practice colouring line-less. It took me about 7h in total to make the painting. I am very pleased with it though it is a bit iffy at parts. It is probably the best drawing I've ever made.

So today I don't feel as sucky as I normally do, and that feels really great. It really is a great joy to draw when I feel like I'm making progress.

What makes me a tiny bit guilty though is me focusing my energy on non-commission art, as I have some commissions waiting for me to finish them up. But I just have to focus on what is important first; what I feel like drawing.

Now I got to do something else... Maybe sleep? Or bake? I love that I found my springform pan! I can bake as much as I want!

G'night, or good morning. Whichever.

Practice

Well, today I decided to go shoe shopping again, dragging my poor little victim with me. Of course I couldn't find any shoes I wanted (why would I? Things aren't supposed to be easy you know...) but we found some sales on expensive socks, that my company so desperately needed. And of course it was a minor snowstorm this time as well. I think I have been cursed when it comes to shopping. Now I have to put my hopes to when I'll go shop with Yonas. If not, I'll just have to wait until the after Christmas sale.

After napping some (being out in the cold cold winter is very tiresome for poor little me) I took up upon practising some realism and portrait. Can't say I'm happy with my current skill level (the girl I'm supposed to have drawn is MUCH cuter) but I guess all I can do is keep at it.

Well... off I go...
G'night.

The cake isn't a lie

My kitchen is clean!

Today I've had a computer-free day, until slightly passed 11PM, which means I haven't even turned on my computer once until 23:00. So instead of getting fat behind my computer I've been getting fat on my feet all day, doing my best to try and clean up in this messy house of mine.

I'm normally a very cleanly person, but with my Crappy McCrap health, I haven't really had the energy to keep everything as neat and tidy as I want it. Being two people in the household doesn't help either. I could let the other one help me clean, but I'm too much of a neat-freak for that. I just don't think other people clean well enough, and since they don't, I rather have it dirty until I can do it myself. Yes, the things usually get much dirtier by not getting taken care of straight away (like dishes) but I know that once I do clean, they get clean! If I can't lick it, it's not clean! (And I don't like licking things...)

Today's bonus: I found my springform pan!
Today's decision: I'm gonna clear out and throw/give away all the stuff I don't use or want.

So today, as a nice end of my busy day consisting of cleaning and recycling plus a bit of shopping, I baked a cake! A very simple one that I've made since I was about 11 years old.

But I also came to a decision today. I am a bit of a hamster. I save everything. EVERYTHING! I have every single receipt I got since slightly before I moved away from home 3 years ago! (for economical overview of course!) And I also have a lot of papers and small stuff. Like medications I don't take any more and empty packages. Not to mention a hoard of clothes I never wear. I save the boxes to everything I buy. I haven't really learned what I am supposed to save and what I'm not. So I am going to sort out all of this. Not today and probably not tomorrow, but I already have begun the process.

I am going to create a filing system for all of my drawings. I have saved every drawing/doodle that I've made since I began drawing in 2002. Yes, it IS a lot of drawings. I don't want to throw them, but I can't really keep them in the organized chaos that is my previous filing system, and I might have to put them out of the way. Mostly, I need to find a way to deal with what I am drawing nowadays... Probably I'll need to buy a folder for them.

But enough rant for tonight!
This actually feels like a blog entry... wow... Well. I'm inspired to keep working on my new public blog.

G'night Y'all.

Random

Waking up from the sensation of your arm being numb. I hate it.

Sleepover

I went to meet up with my friend yesterday, and had a blast as usual, despite feeling not so good. We talked, bought a pizza with more salad on it than pizza; it was delicious! Of course I also managed to miss the last bus home, so I spent the night and most of the following of today with him.

I got to play Fable III, it was pretty fun, but I think I still like the first one the best.... I got really annoyed with the camera; it kept spinning! So I had to constantly spin it back or I wouldn't see anything and it made me motion sick when it span out of proportions.

My friend fell asleep in his sofa, so I stole his bed. Sadly, I went to bed with a strain headache and woke up with a fever headache that ruined my day today. I got foxy to come meet me down-town and help me shop. Once home I got so distracted with eating that I almost forgot about the headache, but it came back worse once I stopped eating.

So now I smell like my friend's apartment (perfume) and have to try and rest my headache off.

G'night.

Drawing like mad

So today I've been drawing like... I dunno what actually...


WIP Guild Wars May be Gay by ~AiZicToXemia on deviantART

And I've decided to make a tutorialish walkthrough of a pic I'm making for a sort of winter art competition. Gonna be fun to see how that one goes ^^;

And no matter what I do, blogspot kills off all my pics. WHY DID THEY HAVE TO CHANGE IT TO SOMETHING AS BAD AS THIS???



How I've been lately? Either I have a kidney stone or kidney infection. Yay!

Well... I'm off to the ballroom, it's time to waltz....
G'night.

Father's day

So, today I've been to my grandparent's place with my father and celebrated father's day. I was a bit worried at first, hearing how my grandfather got admitted to the hospital Friday morning, but he seemed fine when I met him. You never know with old people; one day they're happy and healthy, the next they're almost gone. My paternal grandparents are very dear to me, and though it's a bit "unfair" to say so, they are my favourite grandparents. I really hope they both get to live a lot longer and happy lives.

Feels like I haven't done much else, maybe I haven't? But I got myself a case of toothache. Dunno if it's because I'm teething, because of two cavities simultaneously appearing on upper and lower jaw on my left side or because of a hellish zit-wound on my chin. I took a painkiller, and the pain in the chin has subsided, but the jaw still hurts. I'm guessing it's teething that hurts actually, because those wisdom teeth should appear soon, and it was apparently painful for both my parents. I know I have a beginning to a cavity on my right lower jaw, so if I'd get a toothache because of that, it should have been on my right side if anything... But what do I know?


And about the art part:
I'm getting myself some Guild Wars commissions and am working on the images to my new blog.

I'm pretty much done with the design, but how to turn it into a real blogg is a bit of a mystery. I've been looking at the possibilities here at blogspot/blogger, but so far, it doesn't look very promising. I need to figure out how to do with the archive and the whole submitting a new entry part. If I'm going to use the design here, I'll have to haxx an already existing layout, which so far doesn't make much sense to me in where to edit. Maybe I'll have a better luck with wordpress or I can find a nice tutorial online.

Well... gotta go now.
G'night.

Trying to stop the artblock

So, I've been trying to stop the artblock by drawing my friend Emelie.

Click here for fullview

I am pretty ok with the end-result actually. Apart from the hands, It's pretty ok. I haven't hears her statement on it yet though. I can't expect too much from myself during an artblock. Hopefully I'll be able to think of a good concept to start drawing a comic, as I've wanted to do for weeks now!

Today I've been very good; cleaned the kitchen, bathroom and hallway. It is very refreshing to visit those parts of my apartment now. It's CLEAN! Imagine, I used to have it like that 24/7 once upon a time...

I've also started up my dad's old computer. It's running like a charm as usual, but I do miss some horsepower under that hood. I'm thinking about seriously upgrading it now. The bad part is; it won't be the same computer once I'm done... Oh well... I should eat and go to bed now.

G'night all!

What I've done?

I did actually get some drawing done at my dad's place. Some were pretty good doodles. And I realize I've missed doodling away. I'm thinking about maybe reward myself with a notebook carrying blank pages for doodling. Nothing fancy, but it'd be much better than all the loose pages I'm using now. More expensive, but easier to manage.

And so I've driven in snow, had a fever, had insomnia, had a cold and watched a friend bleach one of her guy friend's hair.

And as usual, I'm so tired I don't even know my own name.

When I feel a bit better I'll post some of what I drew, maybe even colour it.

Cheers.

Sleepless in Seattle...

...or Orust, whichever suits my location best.

Haven't slept at all tonight, despite being tired beyond belief. I even have a tiredness headache.

Today's irony is that I will be driving the very same car I always were wishing would drive by me, for 3 years, as I walked home from the bus from school. The car used to belong to our/my father's only neighbors further in on the same road, my dad got it from them as a thank you for helping them with something, most likely car-related.

I'm a bit nostalgic about the "Maybe they'll drive by?" mantra all those cold, windy days. My neighbors used to pick me up and give me a ride when they passed me, and BOY did I appreciate it, having to walk a little more than 3km, mostly uphill and with one really hellish hill that I still think "Haha, I BEAT YOU!" every time I drive up it myself with moped or car. I don't drive a moped any more, having a driver's license and all... But it's still a small victory to not have to walk up that hill. I have learned how to mentally block remembering walking up that hill, it's like cutting out an unpleasant memory and voila! I'm up the hill! Mental tricks FTW!

Gonna spend my time today trying to learn how to draw women hips and butts.

Good day.

Money and hot coco!

I finally go the money today! So over night I went from starvation alert to having plenty much money. I'm not rich, but it's much for me. I think I'll be able to save some money this month, AND at the same time live frivolously spending. In food at least; I can buy as much food as I want. I drool at the thought. I can buy more olive oil!

I don't think I can stress how important my finances are to me. I turn every cent ten times before I spend it. That way I can afford buying delivery pizza a few times a month. I don't in particular want pizza, but it's good food for Foxy, and he likes pizza so he can have the leftover pizza I haven't eaten. Like this morning; he found my leftover pizza in the fridge and got that silly childishly naïvely happy that I just love and adore.

This month we have been taking money from the secret stash, I did put in some money so technically we haven't gone minus, but I really don't like to use those money, because they don't exist. The main reason we've been so out of money is that I only got half of my money by the end of last month; only enough to pay the bills. I got the other half today. And it just feels wonderful to have money in the bank.

I get really stressed out when I don't have any money. Acquiring debts or needing to take loans are my worse nightmare. I don't want to get payment remarks, or loose my apartment. I'll never get to a point where I'll actually be in danger of that, seeing how I seem to hamster money a bit of everywhere. I easily have enough cash to pay a rent or three, but those are money that are specifically reserved for that purpose. But I never want to use them, because if I do, I'll really be penny-less.

Also, in this household I'm not the only one with money. I just like to think about Foxy's money as money that doesn't exist. We have a kind of shared economy, I just refuse to actually let him pinch in unless he have to. It's all about me.

Another reason for why I want spare cash is that I want to save up for studying in Japan. That is really expensive! The cheapest one way ticket I've heard of is at €500, and that is if you accept pit-stops and changing planes, as well as resort to either booking half a year in advance or last minute with no guarantees. And then there's the living expenses! I do live very cheap now, as long as I have a pretty ok working computer and my tablet, I'll be fine entertainment wise. I just need RENT! Rent is NOT cheap. And I might wanna study in Tokyo. I only know of three schools approved by CSN (the student loan granter) and it's in Tokyo, Kyoto and I think one in Nagoya. I'm a bit confused on where I want to live.

Studying in Japan is but a dream, but I plan to go there some day, if so even for a short vacation. And for that I need money. I want to try to realize my dream.

So anyway! I am celebrating having money with making myself some hot chocolate. YUM!

Working on the webb

I've been working on some CSS training tonight. I also wanted to write something else, but I completely forgot what it was.

Soon I'll have that new design I was talking about. I just need to learn some more PHP and database handling first... if I don't want to just modify the basics I already have here... works for me.

CSS is easier for me to learn since I have prior experience with it. PHP... I get the C++ part of it at least, but haven't looked into it too much. I'll get there.

I really wanna draw. I want to make more commissions. I'm in a bit of a sump when it comes to making up original ideas. I want to make a webcomic, but I don't quite feel motivated with a good enough idea. Anything anyone would want me to draw? I find myself too caught in either fantasy or trans-gender stuff.

Guess I should be keeping at it with the webcomic reading... So much to read, so little time.

In a sump... As if I ever wasn't...

Ok, there's been an awful lot of whining lately, and I can't really say I dare to look back at what I've written, but I never edit and I never remove unless asked to for one or two reasons.

I'm still in the fever mist, but I have some energy. And by "some" I mean I'm still tired, but not "I'm gonna pass out" tired. I don't think I'm running on minus at least.

But my feeding has been miserable. I've been shifting in between plenty unhealthy alternatives, such as ONLY eating salad a day, or only eating one pizza, given that there WAS salad on that one too... But it still feels... not good. Need to shop big soon, but I need some more money first, and some more health. I just don't know what to put into my mouth right now. I don't want to eat, but I have to.

I'm very bored with the looks of my blog. I want something more stylishly me... But I just can't take the time to rewrite the entire css code for this thing. I will try to learn how to, once I get out of this fever mist.

Tomorrow is the last day of work for this week. Then I'm off one week. Will be nice to actually be able to do something for a change.

G'night.

Can't Sleep

Not feeling well. Tired like I dunno what, but I still can not sleep. Sweets is lying sleeping, and I just left his side to write something before I try to sleep again.

I'm trapped inside not only my own mind, but my own body.
This imprisonment, what limits me is not the borders of my mind,
but rather the focus of my body.
There's not enough to keep my mind running any more.
There's not enough for anything really.
I used to be without boundaries,
I used to be the alpha and omega of my own reality.
Now look at me; this hollow shell of a being.
I am now only limitations and bound tight.

Good night.

Melancholic ill artist

I don't feel alive.

I was feeling kinda ok, for being me. Had a small fever and tired as always, but in a good mood and felt ok for the moment being, then as I'm saying something cheery to my Foxy in the other room, pouring myself some cola, I see how everything is turning, or falling together as a house of cards. I think I'm standing straight, but I am falling towards the floor, grabbing the oven handle to brace myself from falling, shouting for foxy to come catch me. Before he gets to me, I've landed on my butt. I'm completely at a loss at why the image I'm seeing is twisting and turning.

If this is what happens when I feel "fine", then what kind of life am I to have? I can't do anything. All my joys in life has been taken away from myself by noone else but my own body. I am my own prison, and there's not enough resources to cure me. Noone wants to find out what's wrong with me. Nobody wants to put down that little extra effort to help me. And I am now to weak and powerless to help myself. I've pushed too far and can't stand on my own legs. Who can I talk to about this? Who will listen and both believe and help me?

I don't want to die. I want to live!

Zombiefied

Sooo sleepy... so tired... I feel like no matter how much I sleep I'm still tired. I almost slept all day yesterday and I was STILL tired. Instead of feeling rested I become frustrated because I can't sleep more even though I'm tired.

Today I've been completely retarded. First I send a letter to a hospital to tell if I want to be sent to another hospital or stay on their waiting list, but I didn't cross in what I chose, then I spent half an hour trying to call a fax. I've done a lot more stuff like that, and all day I've had the feeling of misplacing something important somewhere but I just can't remember what or where.

Also, these last few days I've suffered indigestion, but I just couldn't stop eating. So now I'm bloated and feel both swollen, plump and fat. I know I'm not fat, but I feel fat because I'm swollen.

Even now I'm so tired I don't know what to say or do. I can't even rant off all of my complaints properly, or tell about all the nice things from today.

So, I'm going to bed. Good night.

I slept away Halloween, oh yay...

What have I done today? I've been drawing a lot, I made two yarn mice; toys for cats... I also worked and went to see a psychiatrist. Complete waste of time to go to that psychiatrist since there's absolutely nothing she can do for me or enlighten me on.

Halloween Ariel, woohooo... Doodle in paint...

Anything else? Meh. Been annoyed with them turning off my water all the time. At least today they put up a note about it today.

Many thoughts have gone through my head today, but I'm too tired to whine...

G'night.

The social retard

I don't really understand how I can be so good and so retarded socially, yet so brilliant at the same time. I am really not the one who brags about being bright, because I'm so painfully aware of how limited and ridden with flaws I am. It doesn't matter how much I know, when it comes down to it, I am just spewing out random stuff, and never behave in a proper manner.

I never really know anything, and I am always guessing. With some self-confidence I'm pretty sure I'll perform very well and become a very intellectual and functionable person. But what I really need to do is learn how to stop the forced need to always entertain and please the people around me.

I'm thinking, that I really need to hide my resentment and how uncomfortable I am around people in general and that is why I have to do things to avert people's attention from me.

I don't know how to make people like me or think that I don't dislike them when I'm just being neutral. I don't want to push people away just because I can't always fake a smile. I always smile for others. I am a very happy and goofy person, but I'm also very neutral and calm. But because I never can get out my serious side unless I am alone, I'm feeling closed in and am being annoyed with myself.

I can agree to that I want to perform and be a bright person who can comprehend and micromanage my surroundings. I'm very stuck in sorting away behaviours I don't like like manipulating or drawing inconclusively based conclusions that I've become broken. I don't like to fool people, I want to be honest. But I naïvely thought I could just ignore those behaviours and shut them out and off. I never liked when people fooled me or tried to trick me. I was tricked into doing so many things. I always knew that it was bad, but I had no other friends, so I had to do what they told me otherwise, I'd be alone.

I think trying to not be alone has damaged me more than actually being alone would have done.

I regret building these protective walls around me. I really hate that I shut off my ability to see and interpret the surroundings. I'm always just guessing what's out there, and I'm so secluded I don't know what my options to guess about are. I don't know what people can do.

And I don't know anything. How can I still believe that I'm a strong, beautiful and intelligent being?

Maybe I should just listen to everyone that have no clue about what they're talking about... If I just learn to listen without feeling the need to correct everyone... It's not my responsibility, People can be embarrassed on their own for being so ignorant and stupid.

My issue is that I can't retract from human contact and interaction. I'm so much better off without anyone else, because then I can live in my own imaginary world where nobody can hurt me or annoy me.

I do realize how this sounds, but it's not like I expect anyone to understand. I really am but a fool.

The lone lover

I am really getting tired of always being the one with the strongest emotions. It's like my entire life has been an entire one-sided love. Even when people do love me back, it's more of a "like" and nowhere nearly as strong as I feel for them. But because I love, and because my love is unconditional, I can't stop. I can't stop loving someone just because it doesn't love me back as strongly. The worse part is when they feel awkward and leave me because they can't stand the constant overflow of affection. Even if I don't show it, they just can't bear the knowledge of it.

I don't want to be the one who always cares the most, especially when I don't even wanna care at all.

I've suffocated my feelings before, and I will do it again. But there's just some feelings I can't let go of. I can't, because I promised.

I really shouldn't bother feeling so strongly for people who doesn't deserve my efforts, time or commitment. Even though people tell me this, it's not really like I can snap my fingers and it's all gone. I know some people doesn't deserve it, especially those who doesn't even care about me at all.

It hurts to be forgotten by someone I'll love forever.

A pic of Carolin, full of personality as usual.

Been editing some pics today, and I'm mighty angry with the fact that you can't click pics for viewing the big original. If anyone knows how, don't hesitate to tell me. If you right click on this image, you get to see the entire pic.

I'm also done with all my work for this week. Now I get a week "off". The sad thing is that it isn't completely free; I need to be places, and fudge up my rhythm. I need to sleep when I feel like it.

I'm so tired... I feel like I'm gonna collapse at any minute. I don't want to go take a cooking lesson tomorrow... but at least the food is free.

Well... Gotta go.. do something.

G'night.

Photographing fairies

Since I have such awesome and beautiful friends, I like to act photographer every now and then. I am not the best photographer, but I enjoy my amateur photo-sessions.

A slightly retouched pic, just to practice editing. I mostly just edited colours, didn't remove anything, just enhanced.

Yonas was a bit... about the company; in other words me. Voyne Voyne.

Carolin in an orgie of colours, made up by autumn leafs.

Miika on a small rock hill. Looking awesome as always.

Super sexy super awesome Miika. I just love how the light is on these pics.

So, today I had a session with Miika, which were more not so awesome than awesome, but mainly because I had a nack for getting the light and focus right when he was either closing his eyes or looked drunk(?). There were a few nice ones though, even though I sucked.

And for those who doesn't know; I use the complete manual setting on the camera, with manual focus as well. To me the pictures becomes so much more alive that way. But I'm still lousy at getting the focus right most of the time.

And if you wonder about how my week has been (why wouldn't you?)
Saturday I discovered a nice little bump on my right wrist. I doesn't hurt, but it's weird to have a hardish lump that shouldn't be there. It has grown, though not as much as from Friday-Saturday. It is now being called Cecil, Caesar, or Billy with the surename "the cyst". Mainly I call him Caesar (pronounce it Ceee-zar) the cyst. As I believe it is a ganglion cyst. Harmless but annoying.

I've also busted my arse at work. A job I am having more and more displeasure for. Soon enough, I will grow to loath it. Not because it's a job, or it is cleaning everything from poop to blood through cookie crumbles and rests of muffins that seemingly has been ingested on the floor, but rather because I am working with incompetent fools. Or just plain idiots.

I would write more passionately about my dislike for my job, but today the nice Malin worked. I really like her; competent, capable, flexible and has a very genuine working smile. Very pedagogic and structural. It puts me to ease when I know the place isn't completely hopelessly managed.

Also; I have had the pleasure of spending a lot of my free time with Carolin (featured in the middle pic). Completely saved my lonely and Foxyless week.

Well... Got to go do other things now... Like sleep.

G'night.

10/10/10

My day was pretty neat. I got to bed late, or early that day, but slept unexpectedly good. Then I got up at 10 (heh) and by 11 me and my lovely ladies whom accompanied me took the bus to the "big city". I then went to meet up with Yonas, and spent the day with him and a friend of his. It was a nice day and I enjoyed myself though being tired, unfed properly and without my Foxy.

I did get some pics that looked nice in the camera, but we'll see how nice they are once out of it...

Cheers and G'night!

Nights in hell

It's like falling, loosing ground or riding over a bump when you're not prepared. Then the nausea, the chill that goes through the body and makes me shiver and clapper with my teeth. Trying to relax to ease the strain I feel on my body. I don't know what has strained me, but I can feel it. The fear when it feels like I'm loosing my grip of life. The fear of dying.

I'm getting more and more used to these states, these blood pressure falls. The fear is what I've learned to control; I know I'm not gonna die, or I tell myself so like a meditative mantra. It doesn't affect my body's state though, I'm still nauseous and it still feels like my hart is beating hard in it's weak state to not stop. I still feel as if the entire building is rocking and my perception of gravity is temporally lost. It actually is a bit like when you're just about to fall asleep and you feel as if you're falling/flying, but you're wide awake; more awake than I ever could be normally. It's the awakeness of your pending death.

I don't know what to do about this body of mine. I have 4-5 lotions to put on my skin, two of them doesn't do anything at all but itch or smell bad and are sticky. And the terrible pills they make me pop, and they (the doctors) keep pestering me to take happy pills, which I promptly says no to until they find out what's physically wrong with me because my head is - or was - fine.

I admit I am a bit low in spirit sometimes... but I've been ill physically for five years, and they are STILL trying to feed me iron pills, which is what they've been doing for 7 years... And the results are still the same, I just feel worse. I wasn't down before, it's something that's come up within the last year and is still just emerging.

If this is the same situation I am in, in four years I am going to vote for being humanly put down. This isn't a life, this is suffering. I'd trade with someone from the third world to take my place, so all of this isn't completely wasted.

Well... Gonna go listen to the RENT soundtrack now to listen to other people's suffering, so that I don't feel as bad for myself. Self pity is just embarrassing.

//XXX

Annoying day

So today I've entertained myself with having no motor skill or balance. I've almost hurt myself severely 3 times today. Luckily I had some reflexes and managed to avoid falling on the wrong things in the wrong way. It's like I've been drunk all day; no body control what so ever. Ok, I have had bladder control and such, but no balance or motor skills.

And I've started on this lousy iron medication. It gets stuck in my throat, and I have had it before. It didn't help last time and I dunno what good it's gonna do now. And my body hates it. It thinks I've swallowed something toxic or made out of plastic.

I hope I live to see tomorrow.

Learning something new

So today I've started learning some MySQL and PHP. Can't say I've learned anything usable at all so far, but I've barely begun. Sadly I can only work a little at the time with this as I tire helluva lot fast, and after a certain point, it's just no use trying to get anything into my head any more.

Tomorrow I'll dig some more into it, and hopefully my dear host's server will be up and running by then.

Now I'm going to dump myself in bed and hope to catch some nice and needed rest.

G'night

Ups and downs and PHP

So, today I had a rough day that ended very nicely. First I did get a very much needed sleep-in morning, but then I had to do some serious paperwork. And of course, after almost completing it I started to feel bad. It was like the entire building was wavering and swinging around. I wasn't nauseas for a change though, which made it easier to handle.

Once most of the wannabe high was gone I got a visit from Ryuu and we initiated some "lessons" in css and php coding. I am going to have a lot of fun learning more about this, but my brain was no good today.

So I thought I'd end my evening with a cosy shower, but once out of it, I found the perfect opportunity to have a cup of evening tea with my neighbour. So we had a nice hour of chit chat, and now I'm back home to finally call it a day.

Tomorrow, it's doctor time :S

G'night.

Sunday dinner out

Today my father was nice enough to treat our entire family to Mongolian BBQ, including my Foxy. It was nice and the food was tasty.

The downside of it all is that I couldn't eat very much and I am so stuffed I'm almost vomiting... But if you want something nice I guess there has to be a price. I'm happy anyway.

We've been away all day so I'm pretty exhausted now and am off to bed in a few.

G'night

Tired...

I was so unheavenly tired yesterday, after eating dinner I couldn't help but to fall asleep. Because of that I missed out on a nice chat and cup of tea with my neighbour. A pity, indeed. I hope she'll forgive me. I did intend to stay awake. Hard thing for me to do nowadays.

So today is laundry day as my father is going to treat us to Mongolian food tomorrow, and we have nothing to wear. So, if the clothes aren't dry by tomorrow, we'll have to go there with wet clothes. Well, moist at least.

I'm dreaming of a day when I can use art to support myself. I really wish such a day would come. But now I'm stuck in this godforsaken unemployment until I either die or become forced to take a job I'm not fit to do.

I'm just so tired... Why can't I just stop being so tired?

//XXX

Just keepin' you updated

To sum up the day:
I look like a heroin whore, both in face, hair and on my left bend of the arm. I left some blood samples yesterday as preparations for the doctor's appointment next week. On my way home though, I needed to carry a lot of stuff and thus strained my arm, and guess what happened! Now there's a lot of blood under the skin like some ugly bruise. Not to mention the band-aid I had on top of it was filled with blood. Nice huh?

Also, I did my part for democracy by voting. I won't be home to vote on sunday so I pre-voted today instead.

So tonight I'm set up for laundry, but before that Imma make my special pasta carbonara.

And since I'm busy with all of that, I end this entry here.

Take care.

End of summer

The other day I was riding the bus on my way to my father's place to babysit my little brother. As the bus went along a small road, I looked out through the window, and found the sunlight licking the nature as if it still was summer, but some of the leafs on the trees whispered "no, it's not. It's autumn" with their yellowing colours.

It was the last piece of summer, left on the small lush roads of an island. It's autumn now, and I'm ready for the autumn photographing.


What have I been up to? Well... mostly I've been trying to cope with reality and what needs to be done; work, social service, babysitting my little brother and staying alive.

Art wise I've had fun with making some Joey comics, and I probably will keep doing that for a while.

I also promised to learn how to sing "Part of your world" from the little mermaid movie in norwegian. Wish me luck, because I'm mixing up the lyrics with the danish version >_<

Have fun ya'll

I hate doctors and the government

Something is really wrong when dying is more attractive than living, and you actually WANT to live so badly that you keep a mantra of "I want to live! I want to live!" whenever you're feeling bad.

I am so terribly sick and tired of doctors and hospitals! They keep pushing me around and I never get any help! I desperately need to get part time put as sick, and what I need even more is to find out what's wrong with this useless piece of s*it body that I have, and repair it so that I can get energy enough to at least be alert and awake for 8 hours a day.

Both the Unemployment centre and the social services wants me half time on sick leave, but the doctors won't even touch me. They don't seem to understand that you can't be ill and work at the same time, because if they worked 25% they'd earn more than I could earn even if I found someone to hire me 100%. I'd get fired after three months though, but WHO CARES ABOUT THAT?

As long as I'm ill I can't study either, so even though I have the mind and aspirations to become high educated, I can't. OH YEAH! Make sure I'll never contribute t the society, and then kill myself with the motivation "I wanted to LIVE" and thus every single penny spent on me has been a waste. Way to go government!

Grr mrrr grawr...

Rant about HBT and homophobics

One thing I've never gotten is why people are so scared of gay people. Seriously, what's so scary about them? they are people, just like everyone else, the only difference is that they prefer to mate with their own gender. They're statistically less harmful than straight people (I dunno about bisexuals, maybe we're more dangerous than straights?) and they can't even reproduce! It's not like they're gonna breed up a new race of gays that will take over the world and shun, kill and torture those who will not convert to their way of living (like what christians do).

Ok, fine! I get that some people doesn't find it very nice to imagine (in example) two guys buttfucking. Well, I don't imagine a guy buttfucking a girl as very pleasant, but I don't go hatin' out on people who like it anal. Most don't like to imagine their parents have sex either (I think a higher percentage dislikes thinking about their parents fucking than gays fucking) but there's nothing wrong with parents having sex, that's how you were made and that's what you're preaching about how it should be.

I also want to point out that far from all gay sex involves anal sex or buttplay, but that seems to be the most vivid thing people like to think about when it comes to gay sex. Personally, I prefer to think of cosy girl on girl action as women are indeed the fairer sex. I feel a bit sorry for the gay guys who doesn't see it that way though, but boys need some loving too!

There seems to be that innate fear of getting raped by gay guys... Are you afraid because if you were gay, you'd mount anything in sight? In the gay world, it's far more common for bi-curious (straight men who want to try out a gay experience) men to rape the gays than the other way around. I know people getting stalked and assaulted with sexual propositions, just because they're gay! They aren't interested, but straight horny guys doesn't seem to care; they just want sex and doesn't care who it is. You should be more scared about straight people!

Ant the whole #god hates fags" business... God (if there is one, let's assume there is) created homosexuals, who are you to criticise his creation? And besides; it's not for you to judge anyway. If god hates fags he will deliver his judgements on them when the time comes. In the meantime, won't you at least try to follow you religion and love thy neighbour and not discriminate as god loves all, and thy should too?

And that brings us to the whole "gays shouldn't be allowed to marry". Fine if your religion doesn't want to wed them in their church/mosque/shrine/holy house of prayer, but they deserve the legal rights of a civil marriage. How do you get affected by Lisa and Jane marrying and Jerry and Kevin vs. Jerry and Lisa, Kevin and Jane? It doesn't affect you at all, unless you intent to violate the laws and spy on them when they get lovey-dovey.

And gays kissing/holding hands in public? Well, I think it's more ugly when fat ugly straight lardos shows their affection in public, hinting that they're gonna mate and bring forth even more hideous offspring, doomed to obesity from the start. Just knowing there are so many ugly (ugly and fat is to me relevant to personality; if you're a bad person, you're ugly) straight people out there that can and WILL procreate with the worse possible mate genetically, personality wise as well as behaviour wise gives me the creeps. I hate humanity as it is, I don't need more ignorant homophobes in this world who thinks it's more important that gays can't marry than curing cancer.

I'm being very harsh here, and I'll give you that, but I really don't like people with a horrible personality, and whom are ignorant and narrow minded. What's so scary about gays? It's straight people that are the most scary; they take away your right to love, they decide your bloody death and they will hurt you, physically and mentally. They will also take away your every right to give an orphan a loving home as well as all your good will to be a good citizen. And they will kill you for falling in love.

"I don't like gays but I wouldn't kill them" you say? Well, your passive aggressiveness and contribute to maim, slaughter and reduce their human rights is fuelling the rage of those who actually will take a bat in its hands and go beat the brains out of a person who is gay, or rape a woman just because she happens to fancy the fairer sex. You have a collective responsibility to show that it's not right to hurt another human being, and you can start by enabling gays the human rights everyone else has, like marrying and having a family.

I'm not gay, I'm bisexual. Actually, I'm only attracted to a person's mind, hence I don't care what package that mind comes in; male or female, "pretty" or "ugly", black, white, yellow or tanned. I happen to be in a heterosexual relationship right now, even though I don't really consider it as such; I'm just in a relationship with someone I love, thus I'm lucky. I don't want to be raped because I like to motorboat bosoms and please a girl if I love her. I don't want to be killed because I'm unisex when it comes to love. I just want you to mind your own business and leave me be.


Long entry is long.
Insensitive me is insensitive.
Homophobic people are littering the human society.

G'night.

Politics and Dreams of a Future

If I ever would go into politics I'd go into a dictatorship that will lead to world domination, then I'd only use the top experts to help me decide in the important matters, and I would distribute the world wealth evenly. And once the world is turned into a place where no old helpless woman will shake in fear of getting bombed, everyone is well educated enough to realize that when help ourselves by helping others. After that, I'd let democracy resume. This is how God must feel... "Why did I let them decide for themselves? I told them the most important thing is to LOVE, LOVE!!!" Sorry for the slight blasphemy guys.

I'm really fed up with ignorant closeminded people expecting "we should close off our countries just live we've shut off our minds, then all of our countries problems will be solved!" to actually work. Communication is the only way to advance! If we don't help other we can't help ourselves. If we don't bring people out of poverty, we will never stop getting mugged, robbed or killed. Three of me could live like kings on an executive's salary, and still leave enough money for the executive to live a decent life. That does not mean we should let three of me leach on an executive's salary, but that we could/should use those money to create three new jobs, for people like me.

I really don't get why they put tax reductions on people who can afford it, when someone like me have to pay taxes even though I have almost no income. If I didn't pay any taxes, I could live off of a part time job. Which in my case would solve my issue with not being able to support myself with a full time job due to my poor health and I wouldn't have to go crawling with the tail between my legs to the social service for welfare money every month. AND I could afford to wait for the medical care I need but don't get.

Why do we save money where we have to put money? How do they expect ill people to get well when there's no healthcare?!

ARGH! These politicians drive me nuts! And the people voting for them make me even madder! It's because of the voters that the politicians get so wish-washy.


-----------------


And to leave the politics...

I want to be able to support myself on my art. Someday I wanna make a website that's successful (perhaps with a webcomic :3) and that's not clustered with commercial. The ads that exist there will all be created by me too, to make the site even more unanimous, and I get money for creating the ads, thus reduce the need even further to put in a lot of commercials.

I miss making comics, quite a lot. I used to make many comics, but nowadays I don't draw any comics at all. Mainly because the one person I wanted to show my comics to stopped seeing me. Loosing friends is such a tragic thing for someone who doesn't have very many.


Yesterday I finished my first real commission for real money. (pic related) It's a pic for the title card of Tanukis youtube bake-a-longs. Check them out if you want to and love retro baking.

In other annoying news; my computer mouse is now completely unusable, and my keyboard is also going unusable. Typing is frustrating, and I type a lot. So tomorrow I'm checking out new keyboards.

Now I am off to try to learn more CSS. Making websites, YAY!

~Off~

Unicorns! :3

This is kinda how I feel today. Except I haven't started drawing yet. I hope once I do I'll feel happy tingly inspired joy! Or at least not as bored and dull as I am feeling right now. (The comic strip is made by: http://jollyjack.deviantart.com/)

And in other news; I've gotten my first real commission that's not a Guild Wars Commission for in game money. I am completely psyched about it and am gonna put down as much effort into it as I can :3 Wish me luck!

I'm considering going to buy the computer parts for the computer I am going to build tomorrow. Those they have in stock at least; seems like they have the parts I want scattered over the stores and the internet shop. We'll see what I do. I'm in a discussion with my "computer expert" about switching to other parts that they have in stock.

Now I'm off to doodle away!

Workin' on mah art skills

About what's up in my life right now:

So, I'm currently working on my to become the most detailed scenery pic I've ever made, the attached image is after working on it for 7h straight.




And I just love electronic music, here is a very nice cover of Bad romance. Too bad they aren't that good at singing.


http://humon.deviantart.com/
I just love these comics about the stereotypes of the norse countries as seen from denmark ^^

Other than that I've been struggling with trying to install the sims 2. I love making custom stuff by editing the textures :3 It was hell to get my computer set straight.

I've also decided that I'm going to build myself a new computer. We'll see how it goes, but gholen was kind enough to give me some spare parts. Big image files with high dpi, HERE I COME! :D

It's morning now, but lately I have been going to bed around now as I've had a complete change of day rythm. Yesterday I turned it straight, but I still feel like going to bed now. I think I overstrained myself by staying up, so now I need to nap during the day anyway. I feel like an old geezer.

So anyway, now I'm gonna wait for time to turn 11 so that I can order pizza!

Buh-buy!

Livestream!

Sooo... Today I tried doing some livestream, and I actually got 3 viewers for a while! The pic related to this entry is what I drew.

If you're interested in watching me draw you can find what I drew in my "latest videos" right under the streamer. My livestream channel.

I'm still learning my new tablet but it's helluva much better than my old one (sorry old tablet, I love you anyway) and I enjoy working with it a lot. It's both good and bad it's a third the size of my old one though.

I transferred the photos from the camera today too, but I didn't really have any time to play around with them in photoshop.

And today's forecast has been THUNDER! And a big dash of LIGHTNING! And it's been very cosy.

That's it I guess... My back hurts so I'm gonna go lay down, massage it and sleep.

G'night.

Back and alive

I am back from the trip up north. Actually I came home one week ago monday, but I didn't get home to my apartment with internet access until saturday. After that I've been trying to catch up with all of internet. Surprisingly much and surprisingly little happens in a month. I come home to find that onemanga.com closed down. Well; the manga part at least. Now it's just a library of "you cannot has". A pity the Mangakas (the authors of the mangas) decided that scanlations of unlicenced manga is a no go anymore.

I have about 400 photographs from my trip up north. Some of them I'm really happy with, others I am going to delete as soon as I checked them on the computer. I haven't had time to transfer them from camera to computer yet, so bare with me ok? They'll come any day now.

Now I'm gonna go back to my sleepyness. Good night.

GONE!

Today I will go away, but like Jesus, I will return. Well... I'm going up to the northern parts of this country for two months. I am going to be in the middle of nowhere with no electricity or running water. Thus, I won't be able to write anything in here until august, when I return.

Have a nice summer!

Lazy day? Or not...

Some more art, I made this today after doing all my "must do"s.

I can't help but to feel a bit lyrical about the cleanliness of my apartment. I used to keep it this clean always before I met my Foxy. The layout of the furniture right now just SCREAMS untidy. It's fine to live in, I'm to tired to care mostly, especially since I couldn't vacuum. Now I can clean everything! And it feels good to clean as it gives me the illusion that I'm actually doing something. I see result, and I don't see that in much else in my life. Even if I complete an art piece, like the Joey X Manson pic I drew today, I don't really get a feeling of completion. I don't see result; I just see a product that noone cares about. Nobody cares if my house is clean, but it feels good to not have dirt loitering around.

And what else I've done today is setting up my new multi printer to check if it's any good. And it seems to be. For that price it's just what I wanted.

It feels a little like my day has been lazy since I haven't cleaned like I've done the last few days, but I've done other things instead. Important things.

Lately I've been thinking about starting a project called "the copy cat" which will be a website/blogg about learning to draw by copying other artist's styles - that's how I learned to draw. I think it'd be fun if it catches on and gets popular, if not then I get some practice at least. But I want to do it to kinda help or inspire other artists to become better.

We'll see what I do.

Now it's nighty night; I have got work early tomorrow.

Cleaning day 2

Well, midsummer was nice. I had a surprisingly good day despite my horrible sleep. It's nice to spend some time with the family without it ending up in tears.

And my paternal grandparents stopped by today and made dinner for us. It was nice as usual; I love my grandparents very much as they are very good people. For some reason, it's my father's side of the family that I feel the most loved by. They tell me to my face that they don't like my weird haircuts and attires, and both criticise as well as praise me openly. In that family noone ever says "I love you" but I still feel as if it's being communicated through other means.

Once I got home, I cleaned out the rest of the apartment. There can be done a whole great deal of a lot more, but I'm just cleaning it up enough to let if be for two months without it turning into a castle of mould or worse. Also I want it to be a little presentable as I'm going to have my neighbour and dad coming over to check up upon it.

Dunno what else to say. I'm silly and lonely, longing for tuesday to come so that I can go see Foxy. You'll have to stay tuned for august since there hopefully will be a lot of nice photographs available for view then.

G'night.

A nice day? WTF?

Yesterday was a very nice day, and it took quite many unexpected turns. I couldn't fall asleep until 2:30 am, and then I decided to go to work early so that I could sleep afterwards before cleaning. I also decided to make up some quick plans for midsummer with my father. It turned out he was going to the shopping mall near me, and I was going there to buy a multi-printer, thus we decided I'd go to his place yesterday instead of today (that sounds so impossible) which meant no cleaning day no 2. So instead of sleeping I started to vacuum the kitchen and clean out the bathroom. The place looks like a mess right now as I hardly even managed to clean out the bathroom or take the shower I intended to before I had to go to the bus. I ran to the bus and went to Torp, where we met up. I bought a printer and we dropped it off at my place before going on a day trip around the coast to different stores.

I had a really nice time, which is pretty rare. My dad pampered me all day, and bought me dinner and a lot of small things I needed (a pot, two potato peeler, a pillow cover and so on so forth) and were intending to buy myself. We'll see if he deducts it from my money he has stored for me or not, but I don't think he will. Inside of IKEA he let me ride on the cart; must have looked kinda silly with a younger middle-aged man pushing around his 20 year old kid. And all through the day we pulled bad word-jokes.

I think my father has been missing me, and took the chance of having a day together just the two of us as he has his vacation right now.

We ended the evening quite nicely by watching Sherlock Holmes together, until 1 am. I'm still tired, as we went up by 7 am. Father treated me to a haircut, which my aunt performed on me. Might not be very nicely visible on the pictures, but it looks much nicer now instead of a messy bird's nest.

I can't help but to feel good about when my father treats me kindly. I don't doubt that he loves me, which is not the case with my other family. I like how our relationship is when we don't see each other too often. I'm in a good mood today and it's thanks to my dad, which is rare.

Now I'm gonna go out into the nice weather and do some barbecuing.

Cheers!

Cleaning day 1

Today I've been cleaning all day. First I got up early to fill in for my colleague whom fell ill, then I got home to keep on resting before I began cleaning things out. I woke up by midday, by my phone ringing. I had left it in the pocket of my jacket so I stumbled out into the hallway, thinking about missing the bus and catching a time, need to work and for some reason I answered my phone, brought the keys back to the bed and once there I had gotten hung up upon and realized I had the keys in my hand. I'm laughing at it; I've never really been such a person, but lately I've become like that. I find it plain weird.

So I started by doing some dishes, since all the dishes doesn't fit into the drying stand I have to do it many times, so I did portion one, then I wrote a to do list and started to pick up all the things lying around. I plucked, and dished, and threw, and sorted all day, and yet it's just barely visible.

Tomorrow I'm gonna have to clean as well, I'm a tad bit bummed out by that fact since I can't get a good sleep; I sleep too little before work, then I come home and sleep some more, putting my day rhythm up a few hours. If I don't, I won't be able to do anything during the day. I'm already bummed out from that last week, I don't have the strength to keep this up. Good thing I'm going away next Tuesday, so that I can get some rest, I need it.

I'm also gonna continue cleaning tomorrow. Now it's far too late to keep cleaning as it will disturb my neighbours. I have some small stuff I can do that won't make much noise. Either I do that before I try to sleep, or I just watch something and relax. I'm not really sleepy so I'm not sure what to do. I'll see.

G'night.

New tablet!

Today I bought myself a nice little tablet. A cheap nice little thing that really worth it's price! At first I thought it might have been compromised and may is better only for light non drawing stuff, but as I used it, I just loved it! No squiggly lines! And it's so much easer to handle! I la-la-love it!!!

I also found a cheap multi printer, and I'm thinking about buying it, but I'm not sure... it's "only" 300, but I just spent 600 today, and I don't really have money...

I'll give it some more thought though.

I installed CS5 today, and MAN was that a hassle! I had to do some serious business haxxing. I enjoyed it though, and because the one helping me was really awesome it was more fun than frustrating.

G'night y'all.

Gholen's Birthday

Today's been so eventful I feel like it's been a week.

First, yesterday I missed the last bus home from Yonas so I stayed over. Not very much sleeping on my behalf as I woke up every 15 min, and it took me 15 min to fall asleep. When we were going to bed at 3 AM I suddenly remembered why it was kinda important I got home; I have an appointment today. So I set the alarm early, and went up even slightly earlier, caught the morning commuter's bus up to Torp, and then home.

Once home I made a few calls, then did some dishes and prepared for the meeting. I even napped a little. Then I got up and away in time for the bus to the meeting, that was supposed to leave me plenty time to spare. 5 minutes, no bus. 10 minutes, no bus... "What the..." I thought and saw more and more people stop by the bus stop. Two girls were in a hurry and even called for a cab. Then it hit me; it's the summer timetables now. The next bus would take me into town 5 min before the meeting. No time to spare at all. And that bus was late too, so I ended up on a different bus, jumped off earlier than I would have otherwise and found that I actually came closer to the place then I would have otherwise. I made it just in time.

The meeting itself actually went pretty well. I met a pretty confident and competent person and she understood my situation better than I did. It felt very comforting.

Then I was off back home. I came home and ate some food, then I called my boss about needing to have a substitute at work when I'm gone, and she was actually very sweet about it, no questions asked and it was just all very certain and clear with the salary to the substitute. Also I got my neighbour to watch my apartment for me while I'm gone. Now I just need to clean it up nice and tidy before I go.

After that I went to gholen to celebrate his 26th birthday. We talked a little, then we were going to pick up his lovely friends, whom I had never met before. Once again, we waited for buses that never came. A very cute girl enlightened us that there had been 3 buses that hadn't come. "Oh joy" was our thoughts. Gholen and his girlfriend needed to go buy some beer and cider before the store that sells alcohol closed. A bus finally came and we managed down town with 5 min to spare. They got their beer, then we had an "ice-cream" at McDonnald's while waiting for the last of his friends. Once all gathered, we went to buy food to grill.

I had a really nice evening. Nobody got very drunk and they were all really nice people. I'm glad to have met them actually, and despite being awfully sleep deprived I had a lot of fun, and took a few kinda very nice pictures actually.

One of gholen's two friends that joined us today. I just love his expression on this pic.


The birthday boy himself. Caught in sunlight.


Karro; a just lovely and very talented musician.


The food.


On my way home I figured I kinda liked how the bus driver was driving (I usually keep track of how they are driving, a hobby of mine) so I decided to try to brighten his day with letting him know I thought so. But when I tired like hell tried to tell him before I went of the bus, I blurted it out so tactless I'm sure I seemed wasted drunk. I heard how stupid it sounded, but if I'd try to make it seem more sincere, I'd just sound even more drunk.

I got to try gholen's girlfriend's tablet, a wacom bamboo. I loved it! and it's super cheap too! So tomorrow I'm gonna go to torp and buy one. It's really tiny, but just all that marvellous to use. Way closer to drawing on a real paper than my clumsy not working properly pen to my tablet. I like that my tablet is big, but the small one is just all that much better.

A picture I took on my way home. I like this view.

Some artsy-fartsy

Today I actually managed to successfully draw a character from my head pretty well. And I inked it too, with a good result. I'm pleased with it for now. I haven't made anything really worth posting lately, except for maybe the drawing I made for Yonas, whom I am hoping to see tomorrow.

My computer is frustratingly slow, so I am going to turn it off tonight. Now that I've been alone I've only turned it off when I leave the apartment for a longer time. I keep it on at night to keep my mind off the other noises in the house. But tonight I think it needs some rest. My ears do at least. -If my neighbour would stop watching TV soon, I'll get some quiet. Hopefully It won't make me hallucinate more than the other days.

I haven't been able to sleep properly yesterday and today, I've been tired but not tired enough to fall asleep, instead I just feel strained from trying. Strange.

I'm not that tired, but I'm gonna try to sleep anyway.

G'night.

Train of thoughts for today

Today I've been thinking about whether or not I am good with technical stuff or just good at generally figuring stuff out. I've been thinking about why I only seem to be able to have a good conversation with people high in IQ. And I've been annoyed by phone hours.

I have become double booked on monday at 1pm. I tried to call to cancel one of the appointments yesterday, but noone would pic up the phone. So I tried calling today instead, and found out they don't have phone hours on fridays. YAY! And it costs me money (300 or so) to miss out on an appointment. The other appointment I can't cancel because I won't get any life-support money then.

Makes me mad. I've had that other appointment for 3 months, what are the odds? The same day, the same time?!

My neighbour is playing some techno-ish music. I think I have a new neighbour. the crying phone lady that lived there before, I haven't heard her in a while. And nobody made any noises but me before these last two and a half year I've lived here. The neighbour on the other wall (I have two walls facing other apartments, two different ones) does some vacuuming hitting the wall in the mornings, but that's ok. it's not very noisy; I sing in the shower. Not that that neighbour can hear it though but...

Well.. That's all for today.
Cheers!

Shopping

So, today I went into the store on my way home to "buy something to drink" with ice-tea in mind. I came out with a grocery bag full of healthy foods. No "noms" at all. I have plenty of that at home.

Every time I shop, especially when I go to a manned register (as opposed to the do it your self registers) I look down into my shopping basket of what kind of person it gives the impression I am. Mostly I just seem like a lonely young person who likes tuna and cheese doodles. Today my basket actually made sense! Low lactose sour milk, müsli with nuts in it, lettuce, cucumber, paprika, tuna, creme fraishe, tomatoes... Seemed like a healthy shopping list. Not much has happened by then so it kinda made my day. Silly psychological thing most of us do. I'm not the only one who likes to feel healthy. I'm trying to as well but...

And on the note of food... I really don't want to count calories! It's such a pain in the hind and it's hard to "guess" how much I eat. I usually end up eating the entire package of everything, just to be sure of how many calories I got, and it's still not a precise count. Like; today I had a microwave popcorn bag for snacks. I have no idea how many/few calories there is in that, but I'm sure I got my salt all right.

These passed few days I've put more calories into my mouth that I should have, so I can feed off of that extra little layer if things go bad eating wise.

And I hope to do some stretching too. If I get to hang out with Yonas more I get to have more fun, laugh more and some kinda exercise since we never stay in one spot! That man's never still! It's quite fun actually. I'd like to put on a step-counter and spend a day with him just to see how much he actually walks around. My feet were hurting when I came home the other day, but I blame my shoes mostly.

Well... guess that's all for now.

Bai.

Some people are dumb. I'm some people.

I don't like being called smart when I'm just knowledgeable. I'm actually very dumb, and I usually stupify myself even more around stupid people. If I don't, then there are two scenarios that happen; I feel much smarter than the others and thus feel alienated because I don't live in the same mental world as they do, they think of me as smart and pretentious in a bad way. When I make myself seem more stupid, I'm still not at their level, but it's easier if they feel as if they are being tolerant and mature. If I accidentally say something smart when pretending to be stupid, it sounds really stupid too, no harm done. But if I'm serious, I automatically start to have deeper conversations. And everyone involved looses from it because they struggle to understand me, which I expect them to and get disappointed when they don't.

I'm not really that bright, that's why it's so annoying when people say I'm smart. I can rarely take it as a compliment. Actually, I can almost only take it as a compliment when I hear it from a person more intelligent than I am, but not always. Mostly I think they're either patronizing me or comparing me to someone really stupid.

But I can understand why more intelligent people like to hang out with stupid people, pretending they are stupid themselves; it's not to gloat, but rather to forget about being smart. It's not always a gift to be gifted. I personally can't do it though. There's no challenge in hanging out with stupid people, other than how to not seem much smarter than them. That is a form of art I don't master, and it's hard to do it. There are two levels of intelligence, and it mostly vary in between those two states; feeling smart and being proud of it/gloating and realizing your own borders. Overconfident and realistic.

Some know where their borders are, some just are aware that they are brighter. Within these two states, there are sub behaviours. Like the realistic ones in their actions underestimates themselves because they are too aware of their boundaries. And some who are overconfident likes to push down less intelligent people while others just enjoy being smart. There are more behaviours but I assume you understand what I mean. I'm at a level where I know that at the times I feel like I'm smarter than some, I know it's just because of my ignorance I feel like that. My inability to see what they're seeing makes me think my vision is the best; I can see any better. But mostly I underestimate myself. I know my boundaries. I constantly try to push them though. And because I know I have a far way to go before I'd say I'm intelligent, I don't like when people say I am.

I don't feel or consider myself smart. I think I'm standard, average and normal. In my mind everyone is like me and have my abilities. When people don't, it annoys me in many ways because it feels like they are making themselves stupid on purpose. Because; in my mind, they can do what I can. It's not a matter of intelligence, it's just like how I like to imagine things.

And one thing I think is really important to know is;
It's a big difference in between knowing and understanding. Just because you know something, it doesn't mean you understand it.

Now I'm done ranting for today I think. I can blabber on for days, but I think it's fine now.

Today I've been requested to change the resolution of a desktop I've made (and am using) so that someone could use it. It made me happy. I like when people want to se my art :)

I'm off to bed now.
G'night.

Busy day

Ah gosh! I'm so heavenly tired right now. Today I've been hanging out with Yonas in this country's second largest city. I left my town straight after work this morning at 8:35. I came home about 22:55. I'm really tired, but I thoroughly enjoyed the day. I've missed my precious friend. He treated me to some vegetarian maki he and his room-mate had made the other day. It was truly delicious, even though I don't like wasabi, it was really tasty to that. Felt very healthy compared to my normal foods.

We also hung out with a friend of Yonas' most of the day, and by late afternoon, I met Yonas' boyfriend Dennis. A pretty famous blogger. He's very sweet and I can see why many would like him. But I can't help but wonder why on earth anyone that'd met him would think he's straight. Maybe it's just that I - as a bisexual - just have a gaydar.

I photographed some today. I'd say pretty much all of the pictures turned out bad in my critical eyes, but I had fun anyway. Sadly I just discovered that my computer doesn't support SDHC-cards. Very crappy, so I'll show you some pics tomorrow.

"El mundo es un pañuelo"
Literally it means "the world is a handkerchief" but it's the Spanish proverb for English's "it's a small world". It's the phrase I remember the most clearly from my Spanish classes in ninth grade. I've been saying it several times today, and to prove it's true, I met gholen who lives in the same city as me at one of the town squares, and then when I was going home, I met him on the train as well. We did not talk to each other at all about the arrangement or the travelling there/home. What are the odds? We had some "Marängswiss" at Mc Donnald's while waiting for the bus home and I thought it was kinda nice. I could have cheezburger. Nom nom nom.

Also, the pic I made for my desktop about Likström.se was requested to be used as a flyer for the site and in a different resolution for use as a desktop image. I am flattered.



I'll never be a best friend, but I'll be the one who's always there, even when everyone else fails you. - Today's thoughts.

Now I'm off to bed. Let's see how long I hallucinate before I fall asleep tonight.
G'night.

Recap of the week

I've been gone this week so there's been no updates. Not that it matters much anyway; I don't have a hoard of visitors/readers anyway.

But what I've done is gone up to visit my Foxy. I would have gone last Sunday if I weren't away shopping for clothes I couldn't find and had to settle with something less because I needed it.

I needed - really needed(!) - to do this. I was almost getting depressed with missing him so much. The first three days I got exactly what I needed; cuddles in plentiful! Serious conversations are not to be underestimated! During this week I got to cook for more than myself (and I didn't have to shop for it either, yay!) and I got to drive a little, under the worst kind of circumstances; I was driving two reeeeeaallly drunk middle age men, playing AC/DC at the loudest volume of the car stereo when I was tired, had a slightly lowered blood pressure and had a splitting headache. It was good practise and I did well - better than I thought I would. I really like driving so I'm happy to take any opportunity I can to drive some, even if I have to drive pissdrunk men who need to stop to piss all the time. It wasn't my car, otherwise I'd never drive drunk people. My = my dad's car.

And it doesn't matter; when you are drunk, you are a retard. I had to pull out with 3 middle aged not so bright people when sober, whilst they were piss drunk. they were completely retarded, and then when I was driving two of them to a rock bar, the dumbest of them all's cellphone broke or ran out of battery, so he was gonna borrow the other drunk's high-tech cell, and neither one were very gifted with technical things like phones and computers. They had me stop the car so they could try to make a phone call, and after an hour's frustration the dumber one said almost crying: "I hate this fucking technical stuff! It's so advanced it doesn't even work! Piss phone! Can't even make a single call!".

I didn't even look at the phone, but I'm pretty sure the issue was that when you insert a new SIM-card into a cellphone, you get a text-message with an installation kit, you need to install it and restart the phone before you can use it, and the number he was trying to find in the phone book - well - it was on his phone; he didn't save it on the card.

But oh well. It was interesting picking the owner of the car up later that night. I was supposed to pick them both up at the rock bar, and then drive them both home, so I was quite surprised when I got a call from the dumber one's wife saying the owner of the car (and the "advanced" cellphone) was ready to be picked up. I have no idea how they got there, and it seemed like they didn't know it either. I'm guessing they took the bus after being escorted out for being too drunk. Why the owner of the car didn't continue on the bus home is beyond me. Maybe he wanted to after party, but the wife didn't want two drunk retards partying half passed one AM, so she called us. It is possible they managed to call the wife and she went to pick them up, but it's a mystery to me.

Well... Now I'm gonna take my splitting headache and head to bed so that I can go to work tomorrow.

G'night.