The social retard

I don't really understand how I can be so good and so retarded socially, yet so brilliant at the same time. I am really not the one who brags about being bright, because I'm so painfully aware of how limited and ridden with flaws I am. It doesn't matter how much I know, when it comes down to it, I am just spewing out random stuff, and never behave in a proper manner.

I never really know anything, and I am always guessing. With some self-confidence I'm pretty sure I'll perform very well and become a very intellectual and functionable person. But what I really need to do is learn how to stop the forced need to always entertain and please the people around me.

I'm thinking, that I really need to hide my resentment and how uncomfortable I am around people in general and that is why I have to do things to avert people's attention from me.

I don't know how to make people like me or think that I don't dislike them when I'm just being neutral. I don't want to push people away just because I can't always fake a smile. I always smile for others. I am a very happy and goofy person, but I'm also very neutral and calm. But because I never can get out my serious side unless I am alone, I'm feeling closed in and am being annoyed with myself.

I can agree to that I want to perform and be a bright person who can comprehend and micromanage my surroundings. I'm very stuck in sorting away behaviours I don't like like manipulating or drawing inconclusively based conclusions that I've become broken. I don't like to fool people, I want to be honest. But I naïvely thought I could just ignore those behaviours and shut them out and off. I never liked when people fooled me or tried to trick me. I was tricked into doing so many things. I always knew that it was bad, but I had no other friends, so I had to do what they told me otherwise, I'd be alone.

I think trying to not be alone has damaged me more than actually being alone would have done.

I regret building these protective walls around me. I really hate that I shut off my ability to see and interpret the surroundings. I'm always just guessing what's out there, and I'm so secluded I don't know what my options to guess about are. I don't know what people can do.

And I don't know anything. How can I still believe that I'm a strong, beautiful and intelligent being?

Maybe I should just listen to everyone that have no clue about what they're talking about... If I just learn to listen without feeling the need to correct everyone... It's not my responsibility, People can be embarrassed on their own for being so ignorant and stupid.

My issue is that I can't retract from human contact and interaction. I'm so much better off without anyone else, because then I can live in my own imaginary world where nobody can hurt me or annoy me.

I do realize how this sounds, but it's not like I expect anyone to understand. I really am but a fool.