Halloween contest

So I entered the 2011 Official Guild Wars Halloween competition. I was gonna make a slightly different piece and turn in, but it never went my way so I made what turned out to be the actual entry as vent-art for having what I wanted to make turn out crappy. It's the same mood, the same setting just not the same composition as I was originally working on.

I did a slight colour touch-up on the entry I submitted, and below you can see before and after the touch up.

And so now we see what happens there. I have no expectations, but you never know. At most I could get an honourable mention, and I'd be thrilled about that. I don't think I'd be selected for that. It's more autumny than halloweenish. But meh. I figured I'd give it a try. At least the good art that was submitted has something to shine in comparison with.

Plenty time for halloween and autumn pics. I just gotta get my hiny out there to photograph some reference pics for backgrounds.

Well then. I suppose I'll go on with whatever I was doing.

Been busy with nothing

So, lately I have been doodling a little and drawing some, but very little actually got finished.

I've been pretty busy with what seems to be nothing. Work and sleep, that's all I do, or so it feels like at least. My body isn't very happy, but I'm ignoring it as I normally do.

My primary focus art-wise right now is the Halloween workshop in Guild Wars Guru, or my entry into it actually. It's going slow as I'm not especially happy with what I've made. Now I got a pic I feel a bit more positive about, but it's just a sketch and I'm already having perspective problems...

So all you get from me right now is a quick little chibi-doodle.

Loosing what's important

Tonight I dreamt about a friend I lost. Someone who one day just got fed up with me and left. That does happen ever so often, and they are all very dear to me so it kinda hurts a lot when they do. The dream was a prolonged scene of our friendship and how much I enjoyed having her as a friend, then came rejection upon rejection. I had to suffer through those feelings of her still being my friend in my heart, while she completely ignored me or spat at me. Nothing mean bitchy, just plain "I want none to do with you".

I've more or less just about gotten over the hurt, but that dream tore up the wound again. Not as big as before; it's like cutting in scar-tissue; it's rougher to cut in so the wound isn't as big, you can't feel as much and scar-tissue doesn't bleed as much either. It's been two and a half year now, I wonder why it's still a bit sensitive.

I'm used to being "dumped". People tiring of me is not a new phenomenon and I've long since accepted that 1. that's how people work 2. I'm not perfect. But it is still people I love and cherish.

At the moment I'm really happy that I still have Yonas. I do have some other up and rising friends, but I just am a very lonesome person. I can't trust people, and when I do they leave, roughly put. Luckily it's been a long time since I got hurt and betrayed in a mean and terrible way by someone I trusted whom then turned it's back to me. The people I've had as friends are in general of a very high standard personality and character-wise. They normally just end the friendship and then stay as far away from me as possible, probably not even mentioning my name ever again. But Loosing people I trust still adds to my distrust and hesitation to trust people.

I really hope my new friends will have patience with me in the meantime. It feels really mean to not be able to say that I trust them, while I act as if I do, hoping they'll not hurt me. I cherish them still, and I hope that one day I will consider them true friends at heart.

I'm still a doormat to the people I want to be friends with. I'm terribly easy to use and abuse since I'm so overseeing and accepting. And quite frankly, I expect to be used since I'm such an easy target. I wish those I hold never will hesitate to ask me for a hand though, because recently, I feel as if I'm on the receiving end. I rather be the giver, because other people's happiness is my happy.

I wish I could tell that former friend how much I appreciated her, and how much I regret not seeing that I was a bother. There weren't any time to redeem myself, and sadly, I'm not much more fun today. But she brought me a lot of happiness and made me feel as if I had someone who understood me. I don't think I'll ever get a friend like her again.

And I also hope that those who consider me a friend, never will. I treasure each one of you, and if you decide one day that your life has no space for me, then I will always be happy about the time I got from you.

G'night. No art for you today.

Guild Wars again

So, I've started to play Guild Wars again. 6h today, 4h yesterday and BOY did I miss it! I've been starting to try and gather up some items to trade in for the Halloween event's special items. And when I farm, I just play the dang game because I'm only getting them for my own amusement anyway.

And to get into the spirit of Halloween I'm starting to draw my necro:

Art-wise I'm trying to master anatomy. For some reason the bodies turn out super weird when I do the "proper technique" so I had to edit the blueprint sketch I made for this pic several times, and the feet still look like dough lumps.

What I'm trying to master the most is the hip/groin area. For some reason, I'm just as bad at that as I am with armpits. Yes, armpits, boobs and hips. Evil they are. What's the hardest for me when it comes to the groin area is the hipbones, the fat-distribution where the ass meet the leg and the gender area itself. I really can't draw it properly. Male groins are not to be spoken of... I make a bulge and that's that. Just looking at penis/groin tutorials makes me wanna cry. My life model though is a bit easier for my mind and fear of genders (more like utter and complete disgust loath abhor rather than fear) but I still can't draw it... Ugh...

Would be nice if I could make some cute pin-ups. Only for the sake of that I for some reason have the impression that all good artist should be able to draw a pin-up. Probably because I have no sense of sexiness and find it extremely hard to make a pinup. Also, the poses used in drawings are very hard to do in real life, so I haven't seen much of them to study...

One thing I find very peculiar is that the more I practice drawing something, the worse I become at making it. It might have something to do with what Platon said (or was it Socrates?) "The more I know, the less I know I know". Or "The more I learn, the more I know how little I know". The results are still that it becomes uglier though. More correct I suppose, but uglier. Not in the "real life is uglier than prettified art"-way but just plain ugly.

Hopefully I'll get better though. I'm gonna use my "I'm so tired I don't know what I'm doing"-days to doodling, since doodles can be ugly. Like "U jelly" scull I made and the cheesy ugly doodles of one of my favorite original characters couple. Doodling is for art progress what eating is for the body. When I stopped doodling as I quit school I started to starve art-wise and easier got into art-blocks as well as I lost a little of the fun.

Now: Sleep.
Tomorrow: Colouring, more Guild Wars and hopefully food.

G'night.

More sensless whining

Do I really know what to make of myself? How do I become more serious without getting crushed by failure in life. I never became what I wanted. None of the things I aspired to be. I'm not a singer songwriter, heck, I'm not even a musician. I'm not a certified graphic designer/hired artist. I'm not a doctor. I'm, at this point, nothing.

I'm a waste of skin. I could have been so much, but this crappy body just put an end to it. Yet I'm filled with so much lust to live. But what for? I'm a social retard, and I'm living on starvation (almost at least, I'm just too good at using what little I have in an efficient way) as well as I am unable to do the things I want to do.

I'm walking in a haze. My hands, my mouth and my body move all on their own.

"Look at the shell that is you.
Empty, fragile, weak.
Soon the battle is over,
Lost to Apathy."

I'm not happy with what I am right now at all. I need to get away from this. I need change. I need a network to pull strings in, so that I can realize what I was meant to do. This bird can't stay in this cage, I need to fly to be able to sing.


And here's the lyrics to one of my songs:





Singing for an empty arena

Someones go to heaven, and someones go to hell.
Someones go to nothing, and get reborn again.
Living is for people who make suffering a fact.
Living is for nothing, and leaves you without a chance.


'Cause I'm singing for an empty arena.
I'm singing for an empty arena.
Noone listens in this empty arena,
I'm singing for an empty arena.


The show is long ago over, and everyone has left.
Singing is for nothing when noone's here to here.
Or was there ever someone here to hear at all?
Singing is for noting when I don't sing for those I should.


'Cause I'm singing for an empty arena.
I'm singing for an empty arena.
Noone listens in this empty arena,
I'm singing for an empty arena.


Noone listens in this empty arena.
I will die here in this empty arena.
I'm singing for an empty arena.



A bit repetitive, I agree. But I made it when I was 13.


Now I'll go and clear out some stuff from my apartment. I have way too much clatter, and I have no idea why I still have it...


Peace out. I'll complain some more some other day.

The Bird in a Cage

I really feel caged today. I really want to sing, I really want to make music; it's flowing through my veins, just waiting to get to make it's way out.

But I'm terribly bad at it. I sit with the instruments, and everything that emerges from my hands is shit. I can hear how it doesn't come out right. I suppose my dreams to become a musician are all fading away. True that I have to practice every day, but it's not very inspiring to sit alone with broken instruments and make music noone will ever hear.

What's making me feel even worse is the fact that I've been supported. For what? I'm not that special, I just slightly better at karaoke than the average person. I sing with feeling? Not really, you're just blinded by affection towards me. Every time I record myself it sounds like shit. I get headaches just from listening to myself sing. It was very naïve of me to think I'd have a future in music.

I've been trying to learn a Haste the Day song called  "Mad men" and it sounds terrible. I feel ashamed while I sing. Sadly though, I really want to learn how to sing it and make a cover on it. But I suppose it would be a disgrace to both me and the band who made it originally.

This isn't supposed to be a whine blog, but it's my feeling as they are now.

Back to... what?

I returned home the day before yesterday. I had a lovely time up there, despite the fact that there was no electricity. I confess to missing music and water toilets, but the mosquitos were more or less non-existent and I mostly mind not being able to take a hot shower.

But what did I return to? Sure, it's nice to resume contact with everyone, but that's about it. I'm still ill, there are still bills to pay and no job earning me enough to survive. And if I got one I probably wouldn't have the energy to perform it. It's hard to find a part time job easy enough for this wreck of a body, actually; it's hard to even find one at all!

Also, I come home to read what the social service and a so called psychiatrist wrote about me (I decided to part from them, not applying for money from them, mostly because they wanted to force me to do something I didn't want to do) in the closure files. There are fact mistakes everywhere, and the shrink just wanted to live in her own little word and saw what she wanted.

Reading those papers really brought back everything for why I don't like people and why I can't trust them. Everything is twisted in those papers. I wonder sometimes if it's even me they are talking about. But the worse part is the two-face. To me those social service women seemed reasonable and supportive. I thought they actually understood that I am ill, and how I feel. But in the papers they make me sound like I'm a lazy teenager who doesn't wanna grow up and is too caught up in a delusion of feeling bad that I can't feel good.

If I could change my health due to will, then by the goodness, I would do so! Long ago! Actually, I never would have been sick in the first place! Also, they tried to make my own observations about myself into something they observed and then they twist it. Like how I feel uncomfortable and dirty when my hair is dirty, they wrote it as if I had a bad hygiene and that I'm being filthy on purpose. Also, they wrote that my home was dirty. I do not have a dirty home! It's messy, and I don't want to show my mess. It's true that I sometimes don't do the dishes for three days, but when I do it, it's s spotlessly clean!

I feel so terribly disappointed in those people right now. I have a hard time believing that there even are any reasonable people in those systems. Why are only retards working for the social services? People who are even worse at reading others than I am. Compared to them, I'm a social mastermind.

And now I wonder... What next? What now? What is there for me in this life? And why do I wanna live so badly when there's no future for me? I imagine what will happen if I never get healthy again. What if I have to walk around in this mist of dizziness, headache and nausea? With this lethargy that's sucking me dry on everything? What am I gonna do when I'm alone? When I have noone to live for? What am I to do with myself?

I never amounted to anything. I never got good enough at singing, playing any instrument or writing lyrics. I never got good enough at drawing/painting. I'm not healthy enough to study on, or get a truck-driver's licence. I can't support myself as an unemployed.

And I don't want to live in this town with it's disgusting water.

...

Now I just got a call that put me out of my misery mood and put me into another. Oh well I'll live. We'll see what I do. Maybe I'll just go live in the gutter.

On vacation

Almost done!

Puh!

I've been cleaning all day, well, picking up stuff, doing some dusting and some vacuuming. I also took a small trip downtown and now I'm already used up. Blood pressure is low, but not worse than giving me a slight headache and some nausea. Feels a bit funny though when I check my pulse; it's a bit fast, though within the parameters of normal I guess, but there's no pressure. Feels almost like I'm stopping the blood flow when I check the pulse. I'm  hoping it to pass soon, since I can't even turn my head quickly without getting dizzy. Slow movements when packing then...

I managed to complete a lot more than I thought I would. Apartment looks decent (messy but decent) and almost all recyclables are recycled. I've matched the amount of food left to how long I'll be here and there are no dirty dishes. I feel content.

The bills are paid, the ticket has been picked out, I've updated most sites about that I'll be gone... The only thing left now is colouring a commission and pack. Packing will most likely take half the night, leaving me tired as I don't know what, but then maybe I'll be able to sleep on the train. Got 1h waiting time at the first changing spot, and then 2h in the second one. And my cell as only amusement. I hope people aren't busy tomorrow because I will be spamming them.

So, now I've rested enough while typing this. Gotta keep on picking with stuff now.

Cheers!

Almost gone, but not quite

I haven't written much here lately because I have been away, and then I've been plain busy. I'm gonna go away to the northern lands where the electricity is far away this summer, so I'm tidying up a little to make it ok while I'm gone.

And this is what I did while I was away: I had delicious cake. Nom nom. Got fat and nice.

I have sooo much stuff to do, but I'm only gonna do some of it. I can't stomach everything right now, this will have to be it.

So now you know why there won't be much activity from me from now on.

I'm off to hurriedly do all those things I can before I leave.
G'night

NEVER AGAIN!

I am never ever ever forgetting food in my fridge to rot. I forgot I had some ham in a plastic jar, and since I'm cleaning out my kitchen before I leave to visit friends, I find all the dirty disgusting things I forgot I had (more like noted it had turned bad, so I pushed up the sanitation process and then it got so far back into the fridge I forgot it) and need to clean before it takes over my home while I'm gone.

It's sooo nasty and I hope I don't get mould spores all over. Not a big worry since I'm gonna clean more or less everything off anyway but.. meh! Still gross.

I'm more or less done with the fridge and the dishes, so I look at the rest of my apartment and go all *siiiigghh* because there's so much clutter all over. Clutter is my biggest enemy; once it's there I can't get rid of it. Well, I can. it just takes time since it builds up so fast...

Tomorrow I'm attacing the commercials and the small-stuff. Sorting laundry and all of that. We'll see what I'll do. What was important is the dishes and the fridge. Well, the bathroom is important too since we just cleansed it, but it still smells, so I gotta go over it with some chemicals.

I don't have enough energy to clean three days in a row, but I kinda have to. I want it clean! And I need to throw out a lot of crap, no need to save so much useless stuff.

Now I'm gonna draw some more I think. Or go to bed.
G'night.

Tired and skinny

No art from me today either. Maybe tomorrow, we'll see.

I've been so insanely tired these last 5 days. I still think it's Sunday. All I've done is sleep, and when I didn't sleep I wanted to, badly. I can't focus my eyes and my fingers are all over the place when I type. Chatting is almost impossible since I type and press enter, and then I see that you can hardly tell what I meant or what I was referring to. It's a bit easier in this blog since I can see the red-line before I press send and can go back and change. I'm serious when I say that I've edited pretty much every other word.

I've lost weight too. I'm aware of how much I write about my weight, but it's because it's hard to maintain it. My body wants to weigh less than I should, so it takes every shot it can to make it so. I've lost one kilo this weekend, and it's been kept down because I've been too tired to stuff my face. I've still been stuffing my face with unhealthy food, but it doesn't really matter when I still don't fill my calorie quote for the day. And for some reason, I burn fat when I sleep. Not much, but more than I do sitting awake idling around.

What I want to say is; I'm not trying to rub my weight in people's faces. I'm mainly thinking about those who have a hard time loosing weight and are obese despite keeping a healthy eating habit. They are many and I feel guilty about being so skinny and having to fight to not loose weight.

Truth is, I should be fat. I'm heavy boned and I have a metabolism disease that more or less makes you fat. The only thing that made me gain weight was p-pills. So I'm mostly carrying water, that's why I loose weight so easily. I can't say my body shape is very flattering; I look bigger than I am. I'm skinny, but in reality I'm skinnier than I look. Why it is like that, I don't know, but I still have to verbalize my need for food so that I remember to eat. I don't get hungry, but I can eat when I'm bored. I'm too tired to eat now, but I do my best anyway.

No more babbling from me. OMG is it thursday already?

Disappointed

I know I said I was gonna tell about the weekend now, but no. I have to vent some pathetic self pitiful whining first.

There's been so many good things happening to me lately, that I've been happily detaching myself from myself. But yesterday it hit me, and today I've just realized so many things I didn't want to admit.

I don't want to be disappointed in myself, I don't want to know how ugly I am, how stupid I am or how incapable I am. I don't want to admit how unskilled I am, and something I never wanted to loose, I am loosing; my perfect memory. What I remember is just fine, but it's all from far back and it takes longer and longer for me to find the memories. I'm a complete mental mess in the sense that I have no clue about anything. If I didn't know better, I'd think someone was drugging me.

I can't voice my thoughts, everything I say sounds so wrong, not to mention stupid. And I do a lot of stupid things too. I act like a complete airhead and act before I even try to think. I'm completely empty-headed. It's like I can't see any options, there are too many so I have no clue what to do, and instead I just act on instinct which normally makes me end up as bright as I was yesterday.

I'm  not happy with what I am. I am ok with who I am, and in my own egoistic point of view I'm pretty ok, and I like myself quite a lot. Then I take a look in the mirror, and realize I'm not at all like I imagine.

I am not friends with my exterior at all. Not only is my body a piece of junk function-wise, it's ugly and extremely hard to dress. The clothes I like looks godawful on me, and the clothes that suits my body type I hate. I really can't accept that I have a female body, and I can't accept that people see me as one.

I've been trying to embrace the fact since there's not much else I can do. But... I just.. can't. I'm too self aware and I hate it when people treat me like a girl, because I looks so downright girly. I was built to breed, nothing more nothing less, but not even that I can nor do I want to do. I don't have a mind suitable for offspring. I hate children, I don't even like the children in my family.

I don't know what to do with myself. I don't like this at all. And becoming dis-associative isn't working either. I just want to crawl under a rock and never meet anyone ever again.

Now I'm gonna hide under the blanket and wonder what to do about myself.

The Adventure

 Today was a small adventure; the adventure of a retarded artist, in a car. Not an exciting or epic tale worth telling, but I'm gonna tell you anyway, since this blog never was about anything of interest.

Well, started off good this morning by waking up fairly rested. I went with my father to his job to pick up a car he just bought and drive it to a check-up to see if it's good enough to drive on the roads or not. I'm terrible at finding my way by car, I have a good sense of direction normally, but that doesn't help when the roads go a little as they please.

I had a map an pretty thorough directions, but by the time it was driving time, I was already tired and had a headache. But off I went, and it started out good, but soon turned bad as I started to follow the road signs and somehow (that I still don't quite comprehend) I ended up on an entirely different road. I had to take a big detour, with my father on the phone to guide me, but it went pretty smoothly, though I later on thought I had driven wrong, but I hadn't so I got instructed via phone the rest of the way.

Once at the car-inspection, I made a complete fool out of myself and I started to wonder where my sign was. And wrote "Stupid (this is my official sign)" on the back of my map. What I did was - note that I've never done this kind of thing before - I first off missed the giant sign saying what I was supposed to do and where I was supposed to park, being one hour early I didn't wanna pull up in front of the car ports, but I saw the huge "sign in here" sign and a parking lot over to the left of the building with a P-sign. So I parked there, neatly and orderly, and went in to tell the computerized system that I was there. Of course, I'm once again completely blind and mindless.

The point screen computer was directly to the left of the door, so I only sa a huge white thing in the corner of my eye, assumed it a closet or locker, and then there only was an office door, a toilet and one door on each side of the room to the workshops. A man walks through into the big workshop and I follow, thinking it might be a reception in there.

So I stumble into the big hall, looking lost, blond and very stupidly I ask where that check-in computer is. The youngest of them (probably only a year or two older than me) show me the computer, which I now see has very big letters on it saying "Register your arrival here". He asks me if my car is the Audi standing outside (a car arriving after me, it was completely vacant when I got there, hence a lot of my confusion; no crowd to follow/observe/learn from) and I tell him I parked on the side since I'm so early. He gives me a funny look then tells me to park in front of the ports and wait for my licence plate's numbers to appear on the screen (a screen I also completely failed to notice) and I reassure through some questions that I won't be in the way.

On the way back to my car, as I pass the P-sign, I see that it has a sign under it saying "Employees" and it dawns on me why he gave me the funny look. While I drive to the ports, I notice the big very pedagogic sign that was straight in front of me when I turned into the lot. Now I'm feeling really embarrassed - which is something I rarely do since I rarely act this stupidly - and it's here I write the Stupid-sign.

I wish I could say that the adventure ends there, but it doesn't. The car passed through, with flying colours I believe, and I'm going to drive the same way back that I came from. Of course I drive wrong here too. There's a road merging with the one I was driving on, making it look like a crossing with a road to the right. The road turns to the right and I was supposed to turn with it, but I just drove straight. So once again daddy comes to the rescue by phone and I find my way back to where I'm supposed to recognize where I am. Of course I misread the signs and drive wrong... AGAIN. But now I kinda know where I am and follow the road signs to a road I know inside and out, but it wasn't that one of the two roads I know inside and out I was supposed to get on. But all roads lead to Rome, right?

And for you in horror and shock about me being on the road; don't be. My driving is fine, it's almost on instinct. But being as tired as I was today, driving well was all I could do. Driving well AND read directions, not so much.

And wasn't it just my luck that the same guy showing the the automatic sign-in thing checked the car. All of my credibility was right down the dump (blond stupid girl with perhaps a rich dad since I was driving a Mercedes-Benz, who knows nothing about cars) so I didn't get to know more than "That's good" and "This is ok". But he looked a bit pleasantly surprised when he saw how well-kept the underside of the car was. I also surprised him with knowing what a catalyst (emission control device) was.

Now I just gotta patch my dad up after the whole burden of having a destinationally challenged child. He seems fine about it, but I said I'd have to be a complete retard not to find my way, in the morning.


About the weekend? I'll take that tomorrow.
Now: bed.

Tired, but happy

Today is Friday the thirteenth, and I've been pretty lucky today, when things fudged up, they still worked out fine and I had a really nice day.

The bad stuff was:
1. I couldn't sleep
2. I had to pay the bus fare downtown since I couldn't walk after a sleepless night.
3. The meeting took about 20 min longer than I thought and I had about 9 minutes to buy a birthday gift and recharge my buscards.
4. I forgot the code to the credit card so I had to use my normal card which wasn't thoroughly equipped with money for that.
5. I was certain I was gonna miss my train since I had 4 min to run a 10min walk. I still ran and tasted blood.
6. I had to buy more stuff than expected.
7. I didn't get to role play before I had to leave.
8. The gift I bought had chocolate in it, and I had forgotten the birthday boy was lactose intolerant.

The good stuff:
1. I had enough money for all my purchases.
2. I didn't miss the train; it left 6 min later than it said online, and I met a friend when I was getting on.
3. I managed the day fine despite being so tired I didn't know my own name.
4. Everything went as planned.
5. It was a really nice day.
6. I got some exercise.
7. The gift that had chocolate in it didn't contain any lactose.
8. I managed to catch an earlier bus home from downtown.

And what I did today was that I went to a meeting at the unemployment centre, then I met up with a friend who has his birthday today. We (him, me, his mother and girlfriend) ate some pastries at a café and then went to his place to play a board game he received an expansion of as a birthday gift. Then we made role-playing characters and had a lot of fun hanging out with some of his friends.

His mom is totally awesome btw. Never met such a laid back and openly youthful mother.

Now I'm home and totally exhausted. But I'm happy; it was a really nice day and I hope to get some sleep.
G'night.

Some change

Rejoice People!
It is thundering outside and I more or less just finished a quick gift-art thing for the ever so lovely choke. A vector made 0,5L cola bottle. I'm still a bit unused to working with vectors, especially when it's lineless.

Any other news? Nah, not really. I was doodling some last night, or this morning (which is night for me) but nothing worth showing.

I should be gettin' it on with the ponies I have left, but I needed some rest in general. The cola bottle just snuck in between. 6 hours it took me, in two sittings.

I had a nice shower yesterday and felt pretty productive although I wasn't.

Should try to get some exercise and move my legs and arms more, the arms hurt when I lay still and the lags have begun to swell around the knees. Not nice. And even though my ass is very jiggly, without muscles, it's a PAIN to sit on. I can really tell that I used to walk a lot before, now that the muscles are gone, but still pretty usable.

The other day we took a walk downtown and home, which is about 6km walk. I was completely exhausted when I got home, it's uphill all the way home, and we had the foods with us. Energy; completely used up, but the muscles had plenty more to give, the only thing hurting the next day was my feet that aren't used to being put pressure on, let alone those extra 8kg I gained last summer.

Now I'm gonna learn how to sing "Don't talk to strangers".

Take care nao,
Aizic out.

Taking it slow

I did draw a pony yesterday, but with my reversed day-rhythm it's all mostly done during night. I'm hoping on getting some colouring done tonight at least, but we'll see. Yesterday was more about the doodles I drew apart from the ponies.

The pony I drew

I got a nice offer from my very sweet cousin who had suggested me as an illustrator. It's not written in stone that my illustrations will be accepted, but it's a very nice chance, and I'm really happy she mentioned me. I'm gonna try this out with all of my heart. Hopefully, I won't make her regret her decision to recommend me.


In health news, I have gotten this cream to put on my hands, and so far it's doing wonders despite being terribly annoying and time consuming. I have to put that stuff on my hands, and plastic gloves on top of it for at least 1½ hours at a time, twice a day. Now, just because I wear gloves it doesn't mean I can use my hands, rather the opposite since I get that goo all over it when I put them on. So I basically have to sit for 3h a day and stare at the wall. Fun. I try to watch a movie or something in the meanwhile, but I'm running out of options. I've even been reduced to watching the newest "My Little Pony: Friends are Magic" cartoon. I'll give that the story and writing is by far better than the others, but I scream out in horror over the music and the the art style. And yes, it is directed at adults and children alike. But don't expect nostalgia, this is pretty much an entirely new and different show. Only similarity is that it's about ponies, magic and girlie stuff, and boys are there as some sort of fill-out every once in a while.

Movie recommendations are much appreciated. If I ever feel like my home is representable for guests, I don't mind some company. I'm glad to have cleared my kitchen of all the recyclables at least. So much space!

Next step; clear out closet!

Another thing going on in my life right now apart from all these ponies and being poor is that I really wish for my Foxy to get a job. Mostly for his sake rather than money. He needs to work, hard. It would also be nice to move somewhere new, throw out all the crap I don't need in the process. I want better water, drinkable water. I guess I want some change too. It's comfy living where I live now, but I want drinkable water. I never realized how important that is to me.

Well... I'll blabber more about it some other time.

Now on to some colouring!

Heh, no piccies

I guess I've been wearing myself down a bit with all the work. Today just sucked all life out of me and I got a headache. Now that it's night the headache has passed a bit, but it's still making my head feel like it's full of sand. Hopefully I'll get some energy later tonight so that I can keep working on the commissions.

But it's ok to take a slow day too I guess.

It's just that I've been so hungry today, so I guess I should start cookin' some food before I nom up all the unhealthy noms, that still won't satisfy my hunger.

So, have a nice night.

I'm making a note here; huge success!

Wow, I mean really; WOW!
This pony thing is going really well. I'm incredibly happy! And it's soo much fun! I'll give that I can't draw as much as I want to in one day due to my health, but I'm still having a blast! Colouring the ponies is also very useful practice. I know I've said all this before, but I just can't express how much fun this is.

Today I've done one lineart and two colourings. I coloured the lineart I made.

I coloured my fourth commission first; it felt like it needed some priority, being put behind a bit.

I've also been getting so many (it sounds like more than it is) orders now that I've made a proper commissions list for waiting line, what order which commission was taken and if there's a price adjustment (I have three commissions from before I changed the price, and they will have that promised price) as well as where I got commissioned and if it's paid or not.

This is the pony I made today by first drawing the lineart and then coloured.

In total, I've made 9 ponies now; 7 commissioned ones, 1 thank you pony and a surprise gift. It's a bit nice to see them all piling up in the folder. The only pity is that I will have to part with the originals, which is something I'm not used to doing, at all. I haven't sold art in this way before, therefore I still have every single little drawing-doodle since I started to draw. I'm not kidding, I can scan it and show you.

For those of you wondering why this entry is timed on the 4th when in fact it's almost 6am at the moment I typing this: I like to have the posts on different dates that's why. *Am a cheater*

Now I should really go to bed though.

G'night.

New banner!

Personally, I think it looks a lot better than the old one. Best one so fat actually. And yes, a pony. I made everything you see in it, the pen, the eraser, the paper... All done by me in detail. *boasts a little*

Today, for the lovely change, it was snowing this morning. All of the swedes went "Wat, snow? O_º " as if they've never seen snow before. I'll give I had to comment on it too, since it was snowing in may and that is indeed a WFT moment.

Artwise, today has been a success! I got a commission for two ponies from one person, and I finished the lineart today. It was a big success! And there seems to be more commissions rolling in, which is thrilling me way past overjoyed!

I did increase the price though; about €5 now, plus postage on that. But it includes the coloured pony. Originally I wasn't intending to colour them but... I seem to do it anyway. And it's good for me. It was my commissioners that encouraged me to increase the price.



I can't believe how lucky I am to get commissioned; it's a luxury given to only the chosen artists, the über good ones. Yet I - a n00b who is 100% self-taught - have that privilege too. It really makes me think I might have a future working with these kinds of things for a pay-check I can live on. I don't need a lot to live, but it's hard being an artist and trying to manage on it. Unless you're Beoncé or Bono.

Ah, one can dream, right? Tomorrow's project; drawing dragons and a pregnant pony. These commissions are getting me new and more works. It's so much fun and I hope it will last. I've been so uninspired before I started drawing these ponies. Now I are happicat.

But now; Bed!

More and more ponies, oh mai!

I've currently coloured 4 ponies, but I've made 6 of them, of which 2 have been bought. I have a new commissioner and on the pony front all is well. I've even upped the price a bit, on my commissioners demand. The ones who already ordered still have the old price (I have 3 in line which I'm just awaiting the information from so that I can start drawing).

Oh, and the poni on the lower right of the picture is a ponification of a game character as a thank you for getting 3 months premium membership at DA.

If you want to see the ponies better you can see them at my DA:


In other news in my life:
I broke a glass yesterday and today I went shopping. Woohoo. Very interesting. Well... My kitchen is starting to look nice again. I seem to always collect a tiny mountain of dirty dishes as I never seem to catch up to them. Mostly due to the limited space for drying, as I do dish a little every day.

Pity about the glass though; it was a nice glas. I liked it very much. And I'm not used to breaking things, so I'm really happy Ch0ke offered me one of his ♥

And yes; I AM gonna pretty up my blog banner. It's terribly ugly in my eyes.

~ off ~

Getting commissioned

Guess who's a happycat?

Well, not the pony... But rather the artist who made it; in other words me. I have been commissioned (and paid!) for two ponies now (this is not one of them, the one above is a freebee) and another one is on the way. I'm really glad that people want ponification portraits and can consider paying for them. They are very cheap, basically just covers the material cost, but I'm still getting money! Even if it just was a cent, it's symbolic!

Perhaps it will expand enough for me to make some profit and enable me to live on it a bit one day. That'd be my dream. One can dream, right? But for now, it's enough that some people have bought art from me. My most loyal costumer and several new ones.


The paid ponies:

Well, now I'm off to bed. Night.

Ponies?

So, well...

I just drew some ponies the other day, for no reason what so ever other than that I was inspired by this drawing. And then I went forth to draw one in paint:

And then, also for no specific reason, I drew a personification portrait:

And now I'm thinking about taking commissions for ponies. I'm poor and I really need some extra change, and change is exactly what it'd be. Because if I do the commissions, I'm only gonna take $1-$2 for the inked sketch. And I can consider making banners and all kinds of shiat.

But now I'm gonna go make a journal skin for my DA; I got lucky and got a 3 month subscription for premium membership on DA. Yay! :D

Bai.

Still want to redo the design...

I've been wondering for months now how I'm supposed to make the new design for this blog. I have many ideas, but no complete picture that I feel comfortable with.

Today was only eventful in the sense that I got up at 8am (normally I can't get up before 11-14, depending on when or if I fall asleep), the dirty oven set off the fire alarm, I went to work, but they weren't open today and thus I didn't have to work so I bought loads of candy instead.

I'm a bit bothered by the fact that they don't tell us anything about their open-times. And I have no idea how they plan on getting costumers since it's not up for them to read either. It's a "come and see if we're open or not" kind of thing they're running. They have had extra-open on Sundays several times without informing us, and then had the guts to complain that we hadn't cleaned. Sundays that aren't Sundays after pay-day are our only days off...

So tomorrow I will have to go down there and check if they've been open or not.

I'm actually more relieved that I've been laid off since the contract expired in between the cleaning company that hired me and the coffee shop that hired them. I sure need the money, but it's just a job that takes too much toll on me and doesn't reward me back at all. I've ruined my hands, my shoulder hurts, I never get any information from the shop (like changing the times they are open, extra open event days or that they all of a sudden decided to start building and expecting us to clean up the mess...) they constantly run out of trash bags since they don't order new ones in time, they steal our cleaning equipment and use it up/don't put it back, it ties me down here and makes me unable to go anywhere despite that I only work one hour a day.

Then they decide to not lengthen the contract and lets us know half a month before we're supposed to be out of there.

I can sympathize with them not resigning; that's just plain business. And I did have a colleague that didn't even do the job halfassed, and sometimes didn't show up at all.

It's gonna be fun to see what happens on the monday morning after we've gotten ourselves out of there, and nobody has been cleaning. I'm completely convinced that's what's gonna happen, it isn't the people at the shop that decided the cleaning thing, it's the management above that shop and a few others.

I'm glad I got to work there for exactly one year though. My boss at the cleaning company has been lovely and I can feel proud of at least having worked some and earned a little money (though it's not even half a rent, it's still earned money).


Oh, there was one thing that happened this morning; Well, midnight really but I was asleep then. I got a text message from a person I admire with a greeting from another person I admire. I have no idea how he got my phone number, but now I have got his.


Art-wise,  I'm still working on that vector CD cover. I tried to draw some bunnies for easter, but they turned out so poor, despite having references. Then today I doodled some from my head and it was actually cute. I dunno what that is all about, but lately I do better when I don't have a reference.

Off to bed. Good night.

Vampires don't like spring

Oh lawd did I have the headache of the decade yesterday! I think I had my first migraine.

And to connect with the title; Yesterday I had to go to an Easter-dinner buffet at the social service place I've been attending. Of course I forgot to bring my sunglasses, in a foolish attempt to cope with sunlight anyway. I'm extremely light sensitive, and I could just as well stayed at home stabbing my eyes with knifes. So I had a walk to that place, we had coffee after the dinner on the porch and I took a walk to the bus, then jumped off a bus stop earlier and walked the last bit home. All in order to enjoy the weather to the maximum.

Then I came home, and felt a bit fuzzy in the head so I lad down. When I woke up (in time to go work) I sat up and it felt like someone hit me in the head with a brick. And It kept on all night almost. But when I woke up around 10am today, it had become a little better. It still hurts, but at least I can manage it now.

So, all the work I was gonna put down on this piece:

yesterday well... It didn't happen. I hope to get to work on it later today.

She's not gonna have green hair, it's just a working colour for now. It's gonna be black and have some green shimmering. I'm gonna go see if I can catch me someone to give me some good CC (constructive criticism).

Kthxb

Unemployed

Well, 3rd night at this mentally deserted island (the only alternative nickname is hell-hole) and I actually managed to sleep 3 whole hours tonight! I'm impressed with myself. On the other hand; I was so tired I would have torn out my own hair if I didn't get at least an hour's sleep.

Got a call from my boss yesterday where she said I had to be laid off due to the contract I'm hired on is expired and the ones hiring us doesn't want to renew it. Simple reason. I got to work for a year at least, that's always something and I'm glad for it.

I'm hoping to find some kind of part time job to fill out my economy with. I'm not very picky in the mind, but in the body. The kind of job I could do doesn't exist >_<

I'm finally gonna go home tonight/this afternoon. Although I do like being seclude here, far from everyone else, I don't like the very annoying fact that I can't sleep and I don't have my Foxy.

If I don't get cuddles when I get home, I'm gonna tie him down and... well uh... I don't think I have any good punishments that will work in my favour... But on the other hand, I'm pretty sure I'll get my will's way.

On that mentally deserted island

So, last night I went to my father's place. As usual I didn't get to sleep, but bleh. It was the best night here in a long time. I don't know why I can't sleep here, it's quite frustrating since there's everything comfy here; nice comfy beds, cuddly kittehs and remoteness that gives a nice silence.

I'm gonna stay here until wednesday, since father is working night, and thus I have to check up on my little brother.

I started reading Bleach, I've been avoiding it like the plague after seeing all the fan art, but I've run out of things to read... So I took it up on me to see what it is at least. It feels like reading a comic someone made using the characters in all the fan art, but with a completely different story that has nothing to do with anything. In reality, it's the other way around. Wtf fans, seriously? I'm not trying to deprive the fans of their fanarting or anything but please, I had NO IDEA they used swords, or that it was all about fighting...

And It's way too over hyped, it's a pulling story and it's easy to read, but it doesn't make sense on so many levels and it's frankly not all that. But it's readable.

Now I have taken it up on myself to see if I can draw some fan art that actually could belong to the manga...

(I should probably watch the anime for colour references, but.. meh...)

Nothing more to say really. Gotta go kill the cats, I mean, sing.

Ranting about mind echoes

I really wonder why I have this problem with people who loath me. The problem is that I want to be friends with them, but they can't stand me. I'm really getting on my own nerves with this because I feel so miserably bad in those situations and I just don't know who to talk to. In a way I wished I was still 4 and my mother had been around so I could run to her and go all "mommy mommy, that guy doesn't like me but I want to be friends, what do I do?". Thing is, that never happened, and now I'm way too old for that. I still don't know what to do, or how to get over this "I have to make that person like me" feelings that I get.

In reality, I don't care. It's not my problem or responsibility to please everyone alive. I know that I'm going to be fuck annoying to some no matter what I do, but I just can't stop feeling so bad about it.

I have a recent person who doesn't like me. I'm not gonna say he hates me - like the one that makes me suffer the worse does - but I kinda got the hint when we met. I just thought maybe I could warm him up a bit if I toned down a bit and tried a different approach so that he wouldn't be completely anti me. Like "If that person's coming, then I am NOT". But I guess I misjudged the situation completely. In fact, it's a VERY good thing I kept as far away from him as possible when we had to share a bed-sofa. I thought he was annoyed because he's an insomniac, and I personally know how frustrating it can be when you're really tired but can't sleep for days. But nah, it was me. I was the cause of those arrows of discomfort that seemed to be launched from his body.

In the morning the one we slept over at asked me why I didn't cuddled up to him, since I am a very cuddly-friendly person who usually freeze like it was minus degrees in the room when I'm gonna sleep. I told him it didn't seem like he was in the mood for it and I was just trying to be as quiet as possible to not disturb him.

I guess I'm a bit hurt that I misinterpreted the situation. I'm not blaming him in any way what so ever. I personally find him a very intriguing person that I'd like to dig deeper into in order to hear his thoughts and views on things. It's not his fault that I'm fuck annoying, and don't have an off button.

I'm just disappointed in myself. And there's not much I can do now, other than keep as far away from that person as possible. It's all to respect his space, and to not make me feel worse from annoying him.

I'm ranting here because I just have to get it out of my system. I can get it off my mind without rambling about it. I wish I had someone to rant to, someone who could give me some feedback like "Now you're just being silly" or "You shouldn't do this or that, it'll just make the situation worse". I never had anyone like that. I don't have someone that I can feel "It's us against the world". I want someone like that. Maybe I was supposed to be the voice in someone's head, not an entirely own person.

I'm lonely, and I find myself so annoying, and I know I'm annoying others because I'm annoyed with myself.

Why can't it stop, why can't I stop?

Loneliness

And now for some self-pity.

It's kind of a good thing that I rarely feel like I wanna hang out and do something fun with random people. Mostly because at those times, noone wants to hang out with me.

I'm the king of spontaneous meet-ups only. I'm only good to people when they have nothing better to do, and it's always been like that. I don't know how many times I went across town or just to someone living far away from me (in relation to my age and population in the area I was living in) and once I got there, I found out that the friend I got a call from to come play with, had found someone more fun to go play with.

Sometimes I wonder if all those humiliating things my "friends" and brother made me do back then is the reason for why I almost never get embarrassed..?

I was also the friend you hung out with in secret. "Don't tell anyone that I hang out with you, because I don't want to get bullied". That part - I guess - was because of outer circumstances rather than my personality one-on-one. I forgave people for that.

When there was a "best friends forever" fad going on, I got "dumped" thrice for someone else. I always got asked to be "best friend" I never asked someone to be mine. But of course, getting dumped I figured they weren't much of best friends anyway.

But in the current day, I can't feel lonely. Why? Because if I do, I'll just end up miserable and write even more pitiful blog entries than this. I might even write a song! Gasp!

If I feel lonely there's nothing but time to cure it. And if I truly feel lonely, I think the loneliness will consume me in a downward spiral. I think. Maybe I can pull myself out of it. I usually can, somehow. I probably just.. have to do what I am now; accept that I am alone. Accept that people have lives that doesn't include me. And to most people, I am the only one wanting to meet up at all.

I'm not asking for people to drop everything in their hands to meet up with me, but if I needed it sometime, it would be nice if I could find someone who would do that, without an agenda to get into my pants.

I guess... I just feel the absence of someone who will stimulate my mind, and some warmth. Maybe I want some attention? I do like to give attention, but I just give and give. Would be nice to get some. Sadly, the only time I get some attention and warmth is when I have a blood pressure fall. That is not something I want associated with kindness. It feel pretty miserable that the only time I get some care is when I feel like I'm dying. On the other hand, it's a bit reassuring too; that there is at least one person in this world who wouldn't want me gone.

Now I can't type more because I'll just never end if I do. I'm lonesome, I need to go deal with that by killing off some emotions and deal with reality. I'm lonely and alone, so what. Who cares?

G'night

The sound of silence

Hello darkness, my old friend
I've come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence

(...)

"Fools", said I, "You do not know
Silence like a cancer grows
Hear my words that I might teach you
Take my arms that I might reach you"
But my words, like silent raindrops fell
And echoed
In the wells of silence

Work work work

So, today I've actually worked somewhat for real. Up at 5:30am, away at 6 and starting to work in Sotenäs. I got hired for the day to help doing some house clean-out before it was handed over to the new owner. 6h work, 2h travel, though I'm only getting paid for 6h I got free lunch from my boss and a ride there, so I'm not complaining.

The lunch we had was pizza, and the pizzeria offered exotic food like "havetsleckerheter" and the differently spelled bearnaise sauce and the mysterious vegetable tomay. And the healthy alternative "Valfris allad"- or maybe that's the table prayer? (this section is only funny to swedes)

Funny thing was, the woman who hired us wanted us to clean out the boiler room, with the instruction "This is more important than the kitchen, and everything else!" She actually expected it to be sparkling clean. It didn't of course, the soot was already sucked into the walls, and it was soot everywhere. We cleaned off the machinery and did whatever we could with everything else, and took about 4 hours, JUST that room. Then we had to take the soot-filled room next to it... We were two people on those two room. But it got done, and I'm pretty sure my boss was happy to not have to do that dirty-work...

Once home, I crashed dead. It was just such a nice feeling to go out and work with my body, I really miss doing that, but I can't do it too often because of this stupid body of mine. My hands are crying, I have about five more cracks in them now, despite wearing gloves all day. But they will heal, I hope.

When I woke up I was intending to push up my one hour cleaning job to tomorrow morning, but in last minute I decided to go work anyway so that I won't have to break up my sleep tomorrow morning. It felt nice to do as well.

So now I sit here feeling good about a full day's work. But that's all I've had time to do. Tomorrow I'm hoping for some housework being done, perhaps a trip to the mall (which I have been planning for 3 weeks now) and some drawing.

We'll see what happens. I have to shop for food at least, otherwise there won't be any dinner tomorrow.

G'night now.

Dead on my feet, but happy

Today was one of the days when I actually did something. I went to the big city nearby to meet up with my best friend.

We (me, my best friend, a friend of his and his boyfriend) hung out for a while in his apartment before we left to go meet up another friend we have in common at the café she's working at (intern-ship, but work non the less) and had some "coffee". I tasted my first chai-latte. It was delicious, I could get into an habit of giving myself one as a treat every other month or so.

Then I went home, on a kinda hellish bus ride. First I almost missed the bus, then the bus was stuffed with people. I am not kidding when I say we were about 65 people on the bus, 15 were standing. I was pushed by a black woman constantly talking on her phone, sneezing on an old lady without even trying to cover her mouth, and I was caught in between two women not used to going by bus, constantly chatting about completely boring things. My feet was killing me after standing up most of the day and then the bus ride where I couldn't mode to relieve some of the weight from the feet. my bag was cutting into my neck, I was tired enough to almost fall asleep standing up, or I was just on the verge of fainting. It's a bit hard to tell.

I got home and took a nice long shower.

The end.



Well. something like that at least. I had fun and I got so tired, but it's worth it. I'm hoping for a good night's sleep now.

Tomorrow, I'm gonna rant about the retouch photos I saw in a commercial.

Now, bed.

Tummy Exploded?

Today I think my tummy exploded a bit, painful it was at least... So all the fun stuff I could have done (save a diabetic person's life, shopping, cooking marvellous food...) didn't get done. Instead I worked in the morning after a more or less sleepless night (despite going to bed early) and did some laundry with great strain and pain medications.

I did manage to sketch some though:

 

I've just taken it up upon myself to learn how to draw this character, I'm so terribly bad at drawing disney and I feel I need to get some practice. And he's a funny character.

So, tomorrow I'm hoping for a trip to the mall outside of town to get some usable stuff. Maybe I should remind myself of what I wanted? Noodles, underwear, towels, sheets... Yeah. If I can squeeze in some butt petting in there I'd be happy.

I really need to shop food, but I'm terribly uninspired in what to make... Noodles? Works with me, not so much with my poor little Foxy...

Now; brusha mah teeth. Then bed.

Accomplished day?

So, after a restless night I got up, fairly early actually, both times I got up. I went up for real around 11, followed by a trip to the store to recycle soda bottles together with my friend and neighbour. We also cleared out some of the recyclables I had stacking up everywhere. At the end of the afternoon, I felt pretty accomplished. I got money, I cleaned out the kitchen and I booked a time in the laundry room. Ready to hit the bed, I stayed up a couple of hours more. I tried to doodle some on a disney character. I'm really terrible at drawing disney style. I managed to polish up an Internet-persona or a drawing of one at least. If all goes well it might start showing up here. It all depends on my diligence with the pencil.We'll see.

I'm still not sure on if I should start a new blog or not, I want to save everything here, but I want a different blogging experience. Maybe even something I can LINK to people.

Any-who, we randomly got a call from another friend who wanted to stay the night. Why? I do not know. But upon arrival she had one of her friends with her. Had I known, I would have worn something more than my bath robe. So, they were all hyped up by each other and spontaneity was sprouting into the apartment, and hair was begun to be cut. Not mine though. Then they decided to finish it at the brought along friend's (I guess she's my friend too, but I can't refer to them both as "my friend") house and like a whirlwind had entered, they had also left.

So now I sit here, after have finished watching "The Hunchback of Notre Dame" and am preparing for bed. I have my teeth to brush, then I can head of to la-la land. Staying up and active for more than 12h after about 3h sleep, I sure hope I can sleep. Gonna go up and work tomorrow, then sort laundry, and do the laundry. What else might I entice my day with? Who knows! Who cares? I wanna go to sleep!

G'night.

Back? Maybe...

Um yeah...

So I did a small facelift for my blog. I'm gonna keep changing it until I feel like it suits me fine. This will be good enough for now.

I've been idle for a while because I disliked the layout so much that I just didn't want to post anything. I feel though, as if I actually should blog. Not necessarily blog, but write. I've always been writing a lot of diary/rants in notebooks during and in between classes, on the bus and whenever I had some time. But now that I'm not in school or at some kind of day-activity involving writing, I really have no routine to write, but if I don't, I end up blabbering to oblivion once I do meet a living soul that isn't my "pet".

So, therefore I am gonna start writing again. I know there's not really anyone reading this blog, and I feel like doing a touch-up on theme and how I blog. I want it to be more fun and involve simple comic strips or descriptive images. I want to joke about the butt; the "pet me" butt that taunts me, and does all it can to make me pet it. I simply can't resist! It's so cute!

...

The new header is just umh eh what?. I am gonna modify it later to fit my likings better. I just can't seem to settle on an idea I want to keep.

I'm gonna make an introductory comic about the whole "modern-day vampire"-thing so it WILL make sense later.

Now I'm gonna see what I can do about my insomnia. To bed!