Loosing what's important

Tonight I dreamt about a friend I lost. Someone who one day just got fed up with me and left. That does happen ever so often, and they are all very dear to me so it kinda hurts a lot when they do. The dream was a prolonged scene of our friendship and how much I enjoyed having her as a friend, then came rejection upon rejection. I had to suffer through those feelings of her still being my friend in my heart, while she completely ignored me or spat at me. Nothing mean bitchy, just plain "I want none to do with you".

I've more or less just about gotten over the hurt, but that dream tore up the wound again. Not as big as before; it's like cutting in scar-tissue; it's rougher to cut in so the wound isn't as big, you can't feel as much and scar-tissue doesn't bleed as much either. It's been two and a half year now, I wonder why it's still a bit sensitive.

I'm used to being "dumped". People tiring of me is not a new phenomenon and I've long since accepted that 1. that's how people work 2. I'm not perfect. But it is still people I love and cherish.

At the moment I'm really happy that I still have Yonas. I do have some other up and rising friends, but I just am a very lonesome person. I can't trust people, and when I do they leave, roughly put. Luckily it's been a long time since I got hurt and betrayed in a mean and terrible way by someone I trusted whom then turned it's back to me. The people I've had as friends are in general of a very high standard personality and character-wise. They normally just end the friendship and then stay as far away from me as possible, probably not even mentioning my name ever again. But Loosing people I trust still adds to my distrust and hesitation to trust people.

I really hope my new friends will have patience with me in the meantime. It feels really mean to not be able to say that I trust them, while I act as if I do, hoping they'll not hurt me. I cherish them still, and I hope that one day I will consider them true friends at heart.

I'm still a doormat to the people I want to be friends with. I'm terribly easy to use and abuse since I'm so overseeing and accepting. And quite frankly, I expect to be used since I'm such an easy target. I wish those I hold never will hesitate to ask me for a hand though, because recently, I feel as if I'm on the receiving end. I rather be the giver, because other people's happiness is my happy.

I wish I could tell that former friend how much I appreciated her, and how much I regret not seeing that I was a bother. There weren't any time to redeem myself, and sadly, I'm not much more fun today. But she brought me a lot of happiness and made me feel as if I had someone who understood me. I don't think I'll ever get a friend like her again.

And I also hope that those who consider me a friend, never will. I treasure each one of you, and if you decide one day that your life has no space for me, then I will always be happy about the time I got from you.

G'night. No art for you today.