Old and out of shape

Yesterday I was dirty, wanted to be pretty. I know now that I'm forever dirt.
I'm a nobody, wanna be somebody.

Days like today (or nights?) I can't help but to feel this emptiness and lack of future.

Growing up suck. Becoming disillusioned sucks. The future sucks.

I grew up to realize, I don't have any talents.
- I'm incredibly bad at behaving properly or socializing at all.
- I'm not a good photographer.
- I'm not a good pencil artist, painter or digital artist.
- In not good at drawing or colouring.
- I'm nothing special when I sing.
- I can't play any instrument better than a wonky "wonder wall" on an acoustic guitar.
- I don't have any stage presence.
- My lyrics aren't good.
- My compositions aren't good.
- Forget about poetry, COMPLETELY.
- I'm not good at writing stories.
- I'm not very proficient with the English language.
- I'm not anything special at cooking.
- I'm not good at sewing.
- I'm not good with mathematics.
- I'm not good at coding.
- I'm not very good with computers (I'm an average user who can troubleshoot with google).
- I'm not good at playing any kind of games.
- I'm bad at googling. (It's not that I don't do it, I suck at finding what I'm looking for)
- My memory is pretty much useless.
- I don't have my facts straight.
- I'm a slow reader.
- Everything regarding my physical body suck; every single little strain of hair.
- And I don't know how to fix any of it.

These are all points I thought were my strong points. And I've begun to realize I was never good at any of that, I had no natural talent. I worked hard to become a little less sucky, that's all.

I've never thought highly of myself, but I used to think I had a good brain with good intellectual qualities. I used to think I was made of some kind of finer mental quality. But I don't think that it is that "I've been acting like an idiot for so long that I don't know how to not act stupid" any more. I've caught up to the fact that I don't know how to act intelligently because I'm not intelligent.

It's hard to come to terms with that I don't know anything. I'm not good at anything. I'm just a stupid little girl growing old and out of shape. I can't even sit down and pay attention any more.

When I think about my future I really see nothing. Realizing I have no skill, just makes a future of any sort further away. What am I supposed to do? What am I grabbing for? Why am I even alive?

I have but one answer, which is to my last question. I live because I want to be with the one person I trust and love. That's it. That's the soul reason; I want to hang out with that one person. Lovely existence.

I don't want to be me. I don't want this piece of shit.

PHP

So uh... Good news everyone! I think  nailed what my new logo is gonna be, the mascot needs a liiiittle more love but the text and icon are ready to be made. Funny how I went from hating drawing fonts to actually think it's rather fun. Time consuming, but fun.

Now... I found a PHP tutorial, yay~ Coding!

Up and running!

Yup, now the new computer is up and running and I found out why the computer was acting funny (It wouldn't turn off when you forced the shut down with the power button) as I tried to figure why the screen wouldn't receive any information (It was connected the the computer properly but just into power save mode instead of giving an error message that there was no signal. For some reason (I dunno why) it got solved when I changed socket on one of the power chords. So now it's up and running, hurray!

Now I'm spending time trying to get rid of stuff I don't want/need. I have WAY too much of that.

Another bump in the road

Soo, I built this new computer, and while I'm building, we notice there's not enough power outlets for all the fans. Ok, not the end of the world since we bought extra fans so it's already ventilated properly. Then... The CD/DVD reader is not supported by the motherboard. Fine, I can install the OS through a USB memory only... the only USB memory I had big enough for the OS refused to become bootable saying it was write protected. So I had to buy a new one. Now, USB memory set up with the OS and nice new refurnishing as the case is too large to fit on the desk... I notice that the graphics card doesn't support VGA, and hey guess what all our screen and cables are!

If the screens and reader were supported, this computer would have been up and running 2 weeks ago. Now We have to go buy a new cable because thankfully we have a small TV screen that supports DVI. But we still need to pay up more money and wait for the item to be shipped, and the user can forget about dual screens.

Oh well. It's STILL fun to build.

Now I gotta go out into the snow rain and walk my poor dog.