The dreaded 3 AM

Every day is a fight against the body and time. Every day I watch what I eat, I lust and crave foods I can not have (unless I want to accept the dire consequences) and I dread the arrival of 3 am.

Sleep is useless, my day is completely turned around. It doesn't matter if I try to sleep to avoid what I fear. It wakes me up. It wakes me up with the cold kiss of death, leaving my intestines, thyroid gland and brain in agony, pain, nausea and with the imminent presence of the last breath. And I suffer for hours. Though the nausea, no matter how much I want to devoid my stomach, thinking it just might ease it a little, I can not get anything passed my thyroid gland; it sits like a basketball in my throat blocking everything, including my airways. And the lungs seems to just not want to take another breath. All night, I fear, I am on my tip toes at the same time I try to relax as much as possible to not strain myself. I don't even dare to clean my helix piercing properly because of the fear that it will get angry and send me back to hell; the living hell.

Once I finally get some peace, I sleep out the day, waking up only to catch a glance of the grey last beams of daylight, left with only the option of reaching out my hand through the small side-window in the kitchen trying to grasp some of the vitamins it holds. Though the light hurts me, I probably need every measure of nutriments I can get.

...And the passer by gets a nice view of young sick pale yellowish naked body.

It hurts everywhere, but the pain is welcome, even the frenetic itch on the back of my hands are welcome as a distraction from that. Pain I can deal with, pain I am used to, but that I can never get used to.

I can feel how my weak body is consuming itself. Gnawing off it's own bones, eating what little muscles I have left after all these years of pain, lethargy and illness. I dream of a swim, a nice long walk or scaling a tree. I dream about having a proper conversation, being able to use some of my brain. I dream about biking up those horrible hills I used to have to overcome every time I was going home as a kid.

I fear, I dread and I loath what just might strike me, if I am careless or just because it feels a little extra malicious that night. I can't describe the feeling of only being able to focus one's thoughts on the phrase "I don't want to die" and through all those hours of agony having to settle one's mind and be at ease with the fact that there might not be a tomorrow, that one just might not wake up ever again. Sobbing out "I love you" to the one closest and dearest, because there might not be another chance to do so.

And the the weakness the day after. Standing up is impossible. And the fear, the continuous awareness and the worrying about it's return, maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow or the day after that...

I don't even dare to feel, maybe it comes if I let my mental guard down? Maybe it consumes me if I feel just the tiniest amount of sadness or maybe weakened by lust? My only desire I can meet, the only physical action I am still capable of, the thing that still bounds me to this world and to humanity though I ironically enough am turned into an animal at that time..? Maybe that, which some call sin or sinful, my way of expressing love is inviting it in to cause that horrid thing in me? Or maybe that, which is my way of showing love is strengthening me? I do not know.

It is as if this wicked sickness of mine, likes the psychological warfare as much as the physical torment.

This wicked sickness of mine...



I want to live.

Autumn is eminent

I am more or less EXPLODING with lust to draw. Not sure my body is with me on it though...

Today it went surprisingly well to draw. Maybe because I was reading tutorials all night (reading not doing) or maybe because I was watching trees today.

The meeting went well and providing I will get the money from the job thing stuff arranged by the government everything will work out fine. I will get to live the next two months. Hopefully I get treatment too, but we will see about that.

I think my next project will be some fan art :X

G'night all!

Living on...

Well, tummy still ain't fine and head is spinning as usual, but I am trying to look that aside and try and stay fine anyway.

Tomorrow I have a meeting at the social services to decide my economical future the next two months. Hopefully I can pay my bills. And I have finally gotten a doctor's appointment the 3rd of November. Only took me 4 phone calls and more than 1 and a half months waiting.

I want some god-damn treatment and I rather have it before I give in physically.

Well...

I guess I have other stuff to do.

G'night.

Troublesome days

I have been having quite some troublesome days lately feeling like crap with all my nausea and such. I can hardly eat anything any more, living on rosehip soup and lemonade trying not to anger my tummy.

I have been quite active drawing but I am yet to post it here. So today you get a halloween picture I drew a few days ago.

Tomorrow is my uncle's birthday and I kind of dread the food, from my tummy's perspective, but I guess one meal won't hurt too much. I am most likely to survive it after all.

Piercing seems to be doing fine though I haven't clean it in one and a half day.. to my redemption I bough ocean salt for it instead of the normal salt have have been using so far. I don't know if the piercing is happy or angry, but it doesn't hurt, at all.

Shower tonight I assume. Will be enjoyable.

Over and out.

Just because I can

It is so wonderful at those times when you are able to be aware of and appreciate how lucky one is and how much something means to you. I am that right now.

I have ever since one year ago, well, almost at least with a few days to go, known just how incredibly lucky and fortunate I am. My physical health is getting worse and worse by the day more or less, and the strain gets harder and harder to bare, but in the midst of all of this I am one of the luckiest people in this country.

I have the fortune of having someone close to me, close in every way anyone could ever imagine and then some. Imagine a "perfect" relation, and that is what I am granted.

This last week has been horrible for me, physically, and through that time I had my beautiful beloved one at my side, not during the first incident due to the distance, but as soon as possible in person and in heart meanwhile. It is such a great blessing I have to be loved by such a person with the entire aura and essence screaming that this person was made for me, and I too, was made for it.

If I was a religious person I would have though this person was heaven sent, since it is just the one I have been searching for all of my two decades upon this earth. But I am not religious, and it is more due to chance than fate, yet this person is exactly what I ever wanted. I never thought love could actually be as cliché as this, but I am truly loved, and though being loved by at least two more people at some points of my life, hopefully still, it is only since one year ago that I truly can feel it.

The most lovely point of all of this, is that I know just how lucky I am and I am actually fearing death for the first time of my life, because I absolutely do not want to loose a single second together with this person. Every second is a gift of joy.

The best way I could describe it is everything you ever imagined love and joy to be like. Every cliché, every love song, every single little feeling of security. I can not really put to word the feeling when you wake up one night, with the heart beating as if it was about to stop any second if it wasn't struggling as hard as it does, and every breath feels like breathing in void from the abyss; it lays a heavy burden upon the chest and lugs. The head is spinning, you feel nauseous and it is as if you are falling though you are laying still in the bed. When death, fear - no - terror and darkness in breathing in your face, almost like an ironic life-rescuing kiss that will kill you instead of breathing the life into you, it is then waking the one by your side to hold your hand until you dare fall asleep without fear of never waking up again, it is then you feel love.

Of course there are other people very dear to me, one reading this blog, and one I think occasionally peeks in. I hope they are aware of their value to me and patiently wait for their time in the spotlight; I know how lucky I am to have you too.

Really feeling like crap

I had a really horrible night tonight, I seriously thought I was going to die and I made Foxy stay up with me, reassuring me I was alive and breathing.

I am almost afraid of sleeping now; I felt so aweful I could not do anything for 12 hours, 03-15. I felt really nausious and wanted to go to the hospital eventhough I hate going there. Now I know I survive it though feeling like hell. But I sure hope there won't be a next time. I am way too weak for that.

And thus; you aint getting anything attached to this entry. My piercing looks fine as far as I can tell, but after the night cleaning it hurts a little. Maybe it's the salt in the wanter I used to clean it or it is just a little angry abot getting fibbled with. I hope it stays fine though.

Peace out.

Unexpected turn of events

Today I took a little detour to the local piercing studio, kinda like a last minute visit before closing to see what their prices are, what it contains (jewelry?) and perhaps book a time. They had drop in and the price was just right for my taste and I know they are a good studio from before. So I ended up getting a piercing.

But then, once done and while she was wiping off the blood I mention things they should edit on their website, and briefly referred to that I noticed it due to that I have an interest in those kinds of things and am practicing it a little. And she ended up asking me if I could do it. So all of a sudden I had more or less booked up a job, I will get paid for helping them. I won't take much money, I am glad they asked me; gives me something to do.

So now I am waiting for her to call me and schedule a time where we look closer at the website and discuss what they want. I looked closer at the page now, and I won't be taking much money since it is more or less piss easy to edit. I hope she calls, I could re do the entire thing for them for like 90€ or something like it.

Things looks out for me. I am in a very good mood. I hope I get to work on this, I could do it for free just because it is fun.

Well.. Should be finding out how to make some wound cleaner for the piercing now...

Leaving a beloved restless

Well, I actually managed to produce two tablet drawings today, one kinda nude and one kinda graphic. I hope the graphic one attached to this entry isn't offending anyone, I think I just earned my blog a mature content stamp in an other sense than gory or macabre.

The downside is that my poor Foxy got so bored, and fell asleep. I wanted to cuddle up and get some snuggles but I guess I can forget about that now.

Time to sleep anyhow.

Nice to have my beloved home again.

G'night.

What did I do..?

I was away on a meeting with some Americans my mother brought home. It was nice and interesting. What was less fun was standing outside 15 min to wait for my brother to pick me up and then having to wait for him to dry up dog puke in his car.

After the visit of the foreigners I took the bus down to the biggest city in these parts and met up with Yonas. We ate sushi and sang some back at his place. I went home kinda late and more or less died in the bed. I am still tired and it is bedtime for me once again.

The picture is from when I slept over at Willy's place.

Today I have not done anything of real value. I appled for job, that's all. And internet decided to fight with me at the end of the evening. The showr at the end of the day was the nicest that happened today. Now I am just awaiting tomorrow and I will see what it brings; love or heartache.

G'night.

Cute Moijra

It's not a tablet drawing but it is something at least. I drew it yesterday night/early this morning, took about 3½ hours.

Other than that I have been to a short trip to the second hand store down-town. It was a disappointment since they had nothing I desired. I can always hope for better score next time I go shopping.

I am bored and tomorrow is dinner with mother's ex's parents, straight from the US of A. Well, more or less at least. There was a rumour about dinner, I caught on to it.

I wonder if I will be invited to thanksgiving this year...

Well off I go.

Not very productive...

For some reason I just can't seem to learn how to put the settings on my tablet and everything I draw turns out horrible. I am clueless as how to solve it, but I am trying to find someone helping me to set the settings right.

I have been watching a photoshop basics tutorial though sadly I more or less found everything out on my own... 1/30 tips is useful for me, and then again still not very.

I am hoping to present something tablet-drawn soon though.

Over and out.

"Unexpected" turn of events..?

Well, there I was sketching away on an idea I have had for a complete picture; not just a naked person with no background (as I usually draw things nowadays... too lazy for clothes designs and surroundings)when I got an idea and the picture actually ended up as I imagined it. I want a scanner for this project, then I am going to make something "nice" out of it. The character is a part of a small novel I am working on in my head and is called "the child of the abyss". More about "her" in that thing-amma-do.

I have been sleeping over at my friend Willy's place tonight. We had a lot of fun with suspicious Moomin clips as well as some photoshoot. I was fighting with the settings of my camera so the pic related to this entry is kinda photoshopped.

I have this ominous want to sort through my wardrobe. I just might sort it through tonight, or I go to bed. Either way could work; it feels kinda nice to have nothing planned for tomorrow. I was hoping to get some laundry done, but we will see what happens.

Well, that was all I had to say for the moment being.

~off~

Bowel troubles for them and me...

Well, I am at my father's place now, and will remain either until tomorrow evening or monday night. And I am mainly just bothered by kittens with diarrhea that poops or leaves poop wherever it goes/sits/lies, as well as my little brother going on about how I must go to bed when he does. Stupid special retarded ADHD kid. Seriously, it is true and diagnosed.

I have troubles eating at the moment, it think it is my body protesting about not having Foxy here. Hopefully I can manage anyway.

It breaks my heart to throw out the kittens when they so obviously want to come cuddling. Purring little kittens, warm fuzzy little things that loves me. Breaks my heart, but I am tired of poop all over the place.

Now I am going to lay down and try to keep my intestines in one place; they are bulging out like they were about to wander off somewhere else.

G'night.