Survived christmas

Wow I thought I definitely did an entry around Christmas. Not that it matters but meh. I'd like to think someone reads this every now and then.

I haven't been drawing lately, which is understandable since I haven't been home, so there's not that much new to post here. And it always feel so empty to not post anything here.

I should probably redesign some too. not that it matters much but it almost feels like what I have now was a hasty job. I rather make space fishes in that case. Also I think daethorian was dead on choosing only one fish for the design.

Ahhh, well. Christmas was fine. When I called my dad he was just about to call me, I think we do that a lot because sometimes when I try to call him I get the busy tone and then he calls. This time I was first though. I got some food, but after that it hasn't been much. And I'm at my limit :/ but more food awaits me over new year! as I will be at a location with a store. Whee!

My head gets dizzy when I write, so I'll end it here.

G'night

Fever.. AGAIN

I promised myself I wouldn't speak about my health any more, but it dominates my life at the moment. I have a slight fever 37,8○C (compared to my normal 35,9) and I can feel that I'm not going to feel too well tonight

I wasn't feeling good yesterday or the day before that. I guess I just have to suck it up, but I'm not happy, feeling like this. Also I have found a suspicious lump in my throat, outside of the thyroid and the sinew holding the head in place. I only have it on the right side and not the left. Also, it wasn't there before.

I hope my time at the doctor will come soon. I'm off to bed now though.

G'night

Working it out

I'm a bag of skin with bones in it. If I hit something it's the bone against the inside of the skin that hurts rather than the impact on the outside of it.

But I'm working on. Tomorrow is my meeting with the social worker lady. Can't say I look forward to it. This month has been shamelessly poor for me since I haven't received the payment from the unemployment-thing. Half this month's budget is gone. I am not going to make it if I don't get those money, and the people at the unemployment station haven't responded to any of my mails. In fact, I haven't heard from them in almost two months. I think it's rather alarming and uncomfortable.

But I am looking forward to going away over Christmas and new years. I will be served with cooking orders so I am ensured to eat properly. I can't wait to cook for more than two.

It's hard trying to keep up and at it. But I will keep doing my best. I want my muscles and health back.

Cheers!

Working in a coal mine

Well.. I am going on with my work. Done a lot of Guild Wars stuff lately. I have started on a small project called "real women" and I have made the first sketch. It needs some work still though before the finished lineart and colouring process.

The pproject is basically just drawing women as they actually look, even though they are drawings (one has to refine some, otherwise it is not going to end well unless you do really good with realism, and I don't) and show off how beautiful they are as non stick figures or retushed beyond imagination. Shapeless women are boring, and women like Barbie are scary.

I have also been playing a lot of Guild Wars. I like strategy games :3

//Over and out.

Still going... on?

living off of take out, I have been quite energetic for being me lately (=haven't been feeling as shitty as normally) it may or may not have something to do with the examinations I have had and the fact that the doctors know that I am bleeding from somewhere inside of me, and have been for many years. My recent nausea has most likely been caused by the low blood pressure and the combination with the anaemia.

I find it funny how the doctor, who found me slightly depressed and wanted me to see their psychiatrist, all of a sudden after seeing my test results and did the examination of my place where the sun don't shine doesn't think I need to see him any more, and was very thorough with telling me that I am ill and MUST NOT cancel any appointments from here on, as the case apparently is that when you can see anaemia in the blood samples, then it has gone very far, and she told me normally a person measures iron in between 10-15, and I had 5. And to top it up, she believes that my gut is filled with small inflammation that bleeds. So they are going to put wires in me through both ends, yippie.

But, at least they are taking me serious and aren't going on about how I am just a little negative and depressed because I am unemployed (works fine with that I was ill through out my school time, yet I got recommended to start studying again, cause I will have much more energy once I start studying again, which almost killed me a year ago...) and that I should write "I think I can, I know I can" on a paper every day. Yeah, I am still fired up about the doctor at the emergency room that told me that. I got so humiliated I started to cry. Really embarrassing when the nurse came back in for some additional blood samples right after.

But WHAT EVER!
I am doing kinda ok on the drawing front. I have gotten some commissions and the purchasers were happy with the results. That makes my days at least ^^

Cheers!

It survived!

Woohoo!!! My tablet survived! as a tribute to that... I made a pic with the pen tool :(

No but to be more serious; I made my first commission today. I earned 30k in guild wars money. Very generous I must say! :D I had a hell with the head piece though, but I got it in a ok manner at least. My purchaser was happy at least ^^

Now I have two more to do ^^

My head is like porridge right now, maybe I should eat something..?

Oh well, take care!

Just my Luck

Well, there might not be any more pics from me for a while; the tablet fell into the floor when we were refurnishing. I am feeling a great loss. I am trying to load the batteries used in it to see if that is the problem, if it is then I'm lucky.

It didn't fall far, but still half a meter.

What a lovely day.

G'night

Still Alive

Portal references, wheeee!

I caved in and got me a facebook account to keep in touch with my family. But I am not selling my images to facebook >_< I just got an account to keep in touch with family, nothing else. I strongly dislike facebook, but it's not like everyone in my family has msn sadly.

And what is up with MSN FORCING you to update to that horrible newer version? Someone should do something gruesome to MSN for that. Someone, not me.

I went shopping yesterday, and I just kept realizing that what I can eat lately is basically just sallad, tea and a very modest amount of treats. In order to start checking my food intake (for the sake of my health) I am going to start a food diary, where I also note how I felt after eating what I ate. I am not an anorectic, but the small amount I have been able to put into myself lately is so modest I am feeling how I wither away.

I appreciate if someone has any good recipe on easy to process but high nutritional values, I would love to receive them in the comments.

*sigh* I want to be healthy now. I long sooo much to swim, and move about. Would be awesome to go skiing some day too. I miss moving around so horribly much! I am really miserable, not even being able to walk down to the store down town. ;_;

As a counter measure to being immobilized and pitiful, I have started a project in taking commissions. It gives me something to do and makes me feel less worthless and unproductive. I can understand why people get depressed when unemployed, I am not though, waaay to busy trying to make use of myself.

For some reason, I have started to almost completely avoid lactose. I even went as far as to buy the special ice-cream for lactose intolerant. Well, I find that brand very tasty (tofuline) especially the chocolate one, but they didn't have it when we were shopping so I bought a multi-flavoured one from the same brand.

This is kinda silly though since I am not lactose intolerant and it makes no difference what so ever. But I heard that infectious tummies could temporally be sensitive to lactose, so I am taking the safe before the unsafe.

Well... I guess I have other things to do.
G'night.

The dreaded 3 AM

Every day is a fight against the body and time. Every day I watch what I eat, I lust and crave foods I can not have (unless I want to accept the dire consequences) and I dread the arrival of 3 am.

Sleep is useless, my day is completely turned around. It doesn't matter if I try to sleep to avoid what I fear. It wakes me up. It wakes me up with the cold kiss of death, leaving my intestines, thyroid gland and brain in agony, pain, nausea and with the imminent presence of the last breath. And I suffer for hours. Though the nausea, no matter how much I want to devoid my stomach, thinking it just might ease it a little, I can not get anything passed my thyroid gland; it sits like a basketball in my throat blocking everything, including my airways. And the lungs seems to just not want to take another breath. All night, I fear, I am on my tip toes at the same time I try to relax as much as possible to not strain myself. I don't even dare to clean my helix piercing properly because of the fear that it will get angry and send me back to hell; the living hell.

Once I finally get some peace, I sleep out the day, waking up only to catch a glance of the grey last beams of daylight, left with only the option of reaching out my hand through the small side-window in the kitchen trying to grasp some of the vitamins it holds. Though the light hurts me, I probably need every measure of nutriments I can get.

...And the passer by gets a nice view of young sick pale yellowish naked body.

It hurts everywhere, but the pain is welcome, even the frenetic itch on the back of my hands are welcome as a distraction from that. Pain I can deal with, pain I am used to, but that I can never get used to.

I can feel how my weak body is consuming itself. Gnawing off it's own bones, eating what little muscles I have left after all these years of pain, lethargy and illness. I dream of a swim, a nice long walk or scaling a tree. I dream about having a proper conversation, being able to use some of my brain. I dream about biking up those horrible hills I used to have to overcome every time I was going home as a kid.

I fear, I dread and I loath what just might strike me, if I am careless or just because it feels a little extra malicious that night. I can't describe the feeling of only being able to focus one's thoughts on the phrase "I don't want to die" and through all those hours of agony having to settle one's mind and be at ease with the fact that there might not be a tomorrow, that one just might not wake up ever again. Sobbing out "I love you" to the one closest and dearest, because there might not be another chance to do so.

And the the weakness the day after. Standing up is impossible. And the fear, the continuous awareness and the worrying about it's return, maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow or the day after that...

I don't even dare to feel, maybe it comes if I let my mental guard down? Maybe it consumes me if I feel just the tiniest amount of sadness or maybe weakened by lust? My only desire I can meet, the only physical action I am still capable of, the thing that still bounds me to this world and to humanity though I ironically enough am turned into an animal at that time..? Maybe that, which some call sin or sinful, my way of expressing love is inviting it in to cause that horrid thing in me? Or maybe that, which is my way of showing love is strengthening me? I do not know.

It is as if this wicked sickness of mine, likes the psychological warfare as much as the physical torment.

This wicked sickness of mine...



I want to live.

Autumn is eminent

I am more or less EXPLODING with lust to draw. Not sure my body is with me on it though...

Today it went surprisingly well to draw. Maybe because I was reading tutorials all night (reading not doing) or maybe because I was watching trees today.

The meeting went well and providing I will get the money from the job thing stuff arranged by the government everything will work out fine. I will get to live the next two months. Hopefully I get treatment too, but we will see about that.

I think my next project will be some fan art :X

G'night all!

Living on...

Well, tummy still ain't fine and head is spinning as usual, but I am trying to look that aside and try and stay fine anyway.

Tomorrow I have a meeting at the social services to decide my economical future the next two months. Hopefully I can pay my bills. And I have finally gotten a doctor's appointment the 3rd of November. Only took me 4 phone calls and more than 1 and a half months waiting.

I want some god-damn treatment and I rather have it before I give in physically.

Well...

I guess I have other stuff to do.

G'night.

Troublesome days

I have been having quite some troublesome days lately feeling like crap with all my nausea and such. I can hardly eat anything any more, living on rosehip soup and lemonade trying not to anger my tummy.

I have been quite active drawing but I am yet to post it here. So today you get a halloween picture I drew a few days ago.

Tomorrow is my uncle's birthday and I kind of dread the food, from my tummy's perspective, but I guess one meal won't hurt too much. I am most likely to survive it after all.

Piercing seems to be doing fine though I haven't clean it in one and a half day.. to my redemption I bough ocean salt for it instead of the normal salt have have been using so far. I don't know if the piercing is happy or angry, but it doesn't hurt, at all.

Shower tonight I assume. Will be enjoyable.

Over and out.

Just because I can

It is so wonderful at those times when you are able to be aware of and appreciate how lucky one is and how much something means to you. I am that right now.

I have ever since one year ago, well, almost at least with a few days to go, known just how incredibly lucky and fortunate I am. My physical health is getting worse and worse by the day more or less, and the strain gets harder and harder to bare, but in the midst of all of this I am one of the luckiest people in this country.

I have the fortune of having someone close to me, close in every way anyone could ever imagine and then some. Imagine a "perfect" relation, and that is what I am granted.

This last week has been horrible for me, physically, and through that time I had my beautiful beloved one at my side, not during the first incident due to the distance, but as soon as possible in person and in heart meanwhile. It is such a great blessing I have to be loved by such a person with the entire aura and essence screaming that this person was made for me, and I too, was made for it.

If I was a religious person I would have though this person was heaven sent, since it is just the one I have been searching for all of my two decades upon this earth. But I am not religious, and it is more due to chance than fate, yet this person is exactly what I ever wanted. I never thought love could actually be as cliché as this, but I am truly loved, and though being loved by at least two more people at some points of my life, hopefully still, it is only since one year ago that I truly can feel it.

The most lovely point of all of this, is that I know just how lucky I am and I am actually fearing death for the first time of my life, because I absolutely do not want to loose a single second together with this person. Every second is a gift of joy.

The best way I could describe it is everything you ever imagined love and joy to be like. Every cliché, every love song, every single little feeling of security. I can not really put to word the feeling when you wake up one night, with the heart beating as if it was about to stop any second if it wasn't struggling as hard as it does, and every breath feels like breathing in void from the abyss; it lays a heavy burden upon the chest and lugs. The head is spinning, you feel nauseous and it is as if you are falling though you are laying still in the bed. When death, fear - no - terror and darkness in breathing in your face, almost like an ironic life-rescuing kiss that will kill you instead of breathing the life into you, it is then waking the one by your side to hold your hand until you dare fall asleep without fear of never waking up again, it is then you feel love.

Of course there are other people very dear to me, one reading this blog, and one I think occasionally peeks in. I hope they are aware of their value to me and patiently wait for their time in the spotlight; I know how lucky I am to have you too.

Really feeling like crap

I had a really horrible night tonight, I seriously thought I was going to die and I made Foxy stay up with me, reassuring me I was alive and breathing.

I am almost afraid of sleeping now; I felt so aweful I could not do anything for 12 hours, 03-15. I felt really nausious and wanted to go to the hospital eventhough I hate going there. Now I know I survive it though feeling like hell. But I sure hope there won't be a next time. I am way too weak for that.

And thus; you aint getting anything attached to this entry. My piercing looks fine as far as I can tell, but after the night cleaning it hurts a little. Maybe it's the salt in the wanter I used to clean it or it is just a little angry abot getting fibbled with. I hope it stays fine though.

Peace out.

Unexpected turn of events

Today I took a little detour to the local piercing studio, kinda like a last minute visit before closing to see what their prices are, what it contains (jewelry?) and perhaps book a time. They had drop in and the price was just right for my taste and I know they are a good studio from before. So I ended up getting a piercing.

But then, once done and while she was wiping off the blood I mention things they should edit on their website, and briefly referred to that I noticed it due to that I have an interest in those kinds of things and am practicing it a little. And she ended up asking me if I could do it. So all of a sudden I had more or less booked up a job, I will get paid for helping them. I won't take much money, I am glad they asked me; gives me something to do.

So now I am waiting for her to call me and schedule a time where we look closer at the website and discuss what they want. I looked closer at the page now, and I won't be taking much money since it is more or less piss easy to edit. I hope she calls, I could re do the entire thing for them for like 90€ or something like it.

Things looks out for me. I am in a very good mood. I hope I get to work on this, I could do it for free just because it is fun.

Well.. Should be finding out how to make some wound cleaner for the piercing now...

Leaving a beloved restless

Well, I actually managed to produce two tablet drawings today, one kinda nude and one kinda graphic. I hope the graphic one attached to this entry isn't offending anyone, I think I just earned my blog a mature content stamp in an other sense than gory or macabre.

The downside is that my poor Foxy got so bored, and fell asleep. I wanted to cuddle up and get some snuggles but I guess I can forget about that now.

Time to sleep anyhow.

Nice to have my beloved home again.

G'night.

What did I do..?

I was away on a meeting with some Americans my mother brought home. It was nice and interesting. What was less fun was standing outside 15 min to wait for my brother to pick me up and then having to wait for him to dry up dog puke in his car.

After the visit of the foreigners I took the bus down to the biggest city in these parts and met up with Yonas. We ate sushi and sang some back at his place. I went home kinda late and more or less died in the bed. I am still tired and it is bedtime for me once again.

The picture is from when I slept over at Willy's place.

Today I have not done anything of real value. I appled for job, that's all. And internet decided to fight with me at the end of the evening. The showr at the end of the day was the nicest that happened today. Now I am just awaiting tomorrow and I will see what it brings; love or heartache.

G'night.

Cute Moijra

It's not a tablet drawing but it is something at least. I drew it yesterday night/early this morning, took about 3½ hours.

Other than that I have been to a short trip to the second hand store down-town. It was a disappointment since they had nothing I desired. I can always hope for better score next time I go shopping.

I am bored and tomorrow is dinner with mother's ex's parents, straight from the US of A. Well, more or less at least. There was a rumour about dinner, I caught on to it.

I wonder if I will be invited to thanksgiving this year...

Well off I go.

Not very productive...

For some reason I just can't seem to learn how to put the settings on my tablet and everything I draw turns out horrible. I am clueless as how to solve it, but I am trying to find someone helping me to set the settings right.

I have been watching a photoshop basics tutorial though sadly I more or less found everything out on my own... 1/30 tips is useful for me, and then again still not very.

I am hoping to present something tablet-drawn soon though.

Over and out.

"Unexpected" turn of events..?

Well, there I was sketching away on an idea I have had for a complete picture; not just a naked person with no background (as I usually draw things nowadays... too lazy for clothes designs and surroundings)when I got an idea and the picture actually ended up as I imagined it. I want a scanner for this project, then I am going to make something "nice" out of it. The character is a part of a small novel I am working on in my head and is called "the child of the abyss". More about "her" in that thing-amma-do.

I have been sleeping over at my friend Willy's place tonight. We had a lot of fun with suspicious Moomin clips as well as some photoshoot. I was fighting with the settings of my camera so the pic related to this entry is kinda photoshopped.

I have this ominous want to sort through my wardrobe. I just might sort it through tonight, or I go to bed. Either way could work; it feels kinda nice to have nothing planned for tomorrow. I was hoping to get some laundry done, but we will see what happens.

Well, that was all I had to say for the moment being.

~off~

Bowel troubles for them and me...

Well, I am at my father's place now, and will remain either until tomorrow evening or monday night. And I am mainly just bothered by kittens with diarrhea that poops or leaves poop wherever it goes/sits/lies, as well as my little brother going on about how I must go to bed when he does. Stupid special retarded ADHD kid. Seriously, it is true and diagnosed.

I have troubles eating at the moment, it think it is my body protesting about not having Foxy here. Hopefully I can manage anyway.

It breaks my heart to throw out the kittens when they so obviously want to come cuddling. Purring little kittens, warm fuzzy little things that loves me. Breaks my heart, but I am tired of poop all over the place.

Now I am going to lay down and try to keep my intestines in one place; they are bulging out like they were about to wander off somewhere else.

G'night.

Oh... Oh my...

I had one of the weirdest dreams in a long time. I dreamed I had an Anubis mummy in my room in an old house of ours, and it was waking up, threatening to kill everyone it came across, unless I drew comics with it where it had a lover. Then my mother had moved and forced me to go to her new house, not allowing me to leave and draw more comics of the Anubis and it's lover. My mother (for some reason) had my father's kittens living with me, and they were toilet trained, but you had to watch them while they.. went on with their business. They pooped long worms with see through skin and whiteish grayish inside and an ink blue line along its inside body from head till tail. It as thick in the head, thinner in the tail, very disgusting. And disturbing.

The Anubis arose and were hunting me down, and for some reason I offered myself as it's lover so I did not have to draw all the shit. Then it turned into a killer whale and we were swimming in a swimming pool and it was happy. I was thinking about Foxy but in the dream there was no Foxy...

Very very strange indeed. Have no idea where any of the stuff came from. I mean.. Anubis? I liked the horror dream with computers in the same room better.

Back where I... Belong?

My father is back home again, apparently it was nothing serious, or so they think at least. He is not in any pain right now and hopefully sleeping soundly. They think it is a kidney stone so he will be going to the hospital tomorrow for more tests.

I am home, safe, sound and fresh out of the shower. The rosehip soup I bought before going away was to my joy still durable. I am mostly glad since I have little else to drink at home...

Bills are paid, letters are still to be sent here and I have an appointment I came home just in time for.

Soon I am off to bed before I think too much abut Foxy, or myself for that matter :S

G'night

Shit happens..?

Well...

My Brother called me at half past six PM, and told me our father was in the hospital.

Apparently he has had a really bad stomach ache all weekend, and ended up so bad he couldn't move from pain. So it is not his heart, and when I talked to my brother they had no idea what it was, they had X-rayed him, but I do not know if they had the result yet or not.

I will try to go home tomorrow, and will probably go to my father's to tend to his cats, and pay him a visit at the hospital. I am hoping for the appendix, or something minor that will be resolved easily.

I have that typical "but he sounded fine when I talked to him on the phone friday evening..." and I feel guilty for not really asking how he was feeling. He asked me how I was since I am so sickly... I hope he will be ok.

...

Almost embarrassing

Well; I have been turning things upside down lately, found a pretty nice tutorial for lineart which I made a quick sketch of (as can be seen attached to this entry)just to see how it works. I still have a "hell of a lot" left on learning coloring. Once I get to make a really nice line art I am getting onto it.

Other than that? If I can hitch a ride I go home tomorrow, otherwise I go home on Tuesday as latest, and I go home either way alone. Makes me sad to think about being apart from Foxy for at least 19 days, but it is not like it will kill either one of us.

Better get back to doing nothing of value.

Fight against time

This time, I am attempting to edit a post! No time to draw something before the date change, but I am going to post something along with this pic. It is not like I haven't been drawing, I just did not manage to create something I was content with, not even as a scrap.

Maybe I should start taking request? Yeah, why not? If you want a request, just comment me or send a message on my deviantART.

Other than that? Well, I know it is silly but it really feels nice to hear a silent morning-voiced "I will miss you when you go home. A lot." when you wake up, and then getting held in a warm embrace. About as nice as waking up by being lifted up from the floor, held completely in a strong pair of arms, only to receive a few kisses, and then go back down on the floor again.

And I like sleeping in a real bed and I do not look forward to >19 days alone. I guess it is time to saddle up and get social. I dunno how long I will dare to sleep alone, likewise I dunno how long I can stand other people. I am not quite as user friendly as I used to be. I guess I will work something out. I can always have a big cleaning marathon in my apartment... assuming it will take days to gather the physical strength... Yes, I am weak.

So.. Off drawing or off eating.. only the cook has the answer. Fishsticks seems very tasty right now.

UPDATE
As you can see; there is now a picture attached to this entry. A quicky but still. The photograph used for this portrait can be found here.

//Aizic

Rejoicing

I can not possibly explain how wonderful it is to be able to breathe during night! These last two nights I have been able to sleep without using breathing aid, which is so lovely I could never put it to words.

It looks like I will have to go back home again alone as Foxy will stay to go to the dentist, and I am having to go back to pay the bills. But I can go visit my father if need be. A little alone time will probably not hurt.

I just wish I can get a ride home...

Nudity

...Is really hard to draw. If someone has a tip on good places to learn from (like links to websites) that is not porn, I would appreciate if you linked me.

I have been trying to draw a girl-model of mine in a few poses, and I just fail miserably. I should really try some more tutorials in feet >_<

Other than that I do not have much else to add today. I want to shower and wash my clothes, but I guess that is all. Today has been a very weird day; I forgot to take my medication yesterday so I lost my mind today (it is only hypothyroid medication) and did some really stupid things, but hey; I can regret it when I can think again.

So I guess I will... Keep practicing?

Roughly put; I have had a bad and short day today. I did create two things; "the truth about vaginas" and this little piece.

I wish I could photograph some, especially since there are two tiny puppy dogs here. But of course I left my camera at home.

I wonder if there should be a theme and topic in this entry, but all I have to talk about is pain and how annoying it is when the painkillers are not working.

Well, tea is tasty and I am tired.

G'night.

Leeching

The subject of today, I assume, is being supported by someone else.

I am one of those proud/guilt-struck people that find it really hard to have someone else support you. BUT! There is a big but here; I am as it is not financed by the social security net here, and forced to apply for jobs even though I am ill and trying to get myself a doctor to cure me. I am today supporting two persons on one existence minimum granted by the social services, in a county that is very strict on the society's scum (like me who is young and unemployed) and forces me to go through things there is no way that I can manage.

Although, the subject is not about me leeching on society or someone leeching of me; the subject is about this situation;

A friend of Foxy's said he might be able to get Foxy a job, but then we have to move to where we are right now (around Foxy's home parts) which is more or less on the other side of the country. It seems to be a job that Foxy could do and be content with while I am trying to get health care and get well.

The thing is I would be so much at ease if that could come true. I could focus on taking it easy and getting well instead of stressing out over the crowded medical care and the pressure to get a job. But I would feel so bad about leeching and depending on someone else.

The good things;

• I get the financial monkey off my back
• I can get well in proportions of the health care synptom
• I will not be forced to apply for jobs I can not perform
• I will live closer to the capital
• Foxy gets to smash things.

The bad things;

• I will loose my apartment
• I will depend completely on Foxy
• I will not have any own income, at all
• I will move to the other side of the country
• I loose access to a car
• My guilt of having someone else support me

I would really be in the hands of Foxy and at Foxy's mercy. As everyone that knows me knows; I have a really hard time trusting people. But I can easily work against the cons.

And just because I was ranting about it here, I will probably not happen anything.

G'night all.

Artistic?

Well, I have been doing some drawing today; working on some characters and faces aswell as actually drawing a strip for a comic. Though I possess no means to share them as it is right now. I also made two desktops which are being hosted at gholen's server. Feel free to download.

Other than that I really feel like taking up writing. I even managed to make a friend to exchange my writings with. I am a little excited, but have little faith in myself at the moment. We will see how I do; hopefully she will help me improve.

Well, got nothing more at the moment...

Well, the quest goes on..!

I am trying to sketch some more on male bodies (I am horrible at making good hips...) and play off a little with the fishes I made for Likström.se.

I temporally put up a new BG as the other one was not too nice for those with less width on their resolution than I have. But oh well.

I am at the keys of my own little laptop now and just might make some more ps edits, we will see about it.

Well, until I have something to say;

G'night, and don't let the flesh eating demon bed-babies bite!

Words from the illogical mind

Please bear with this as it is words from my illogical mind.

I am afraid. Illogically afraid and paranoid. I see scenarios before my eyes, or more like blocking out my vision. I know they are not real in any way but I still find myself affected for no reason, and what worse is I can not make them stop. I am heartbroken and experience the death anxiety and doubt you have the moments before you die.

I am weak; weaker than I ever knew I was, or maybe ever have been. I am sad and shaken with fear, and find myself trusting noone with the frail one I am now. I used to envision things like these - or worse; depending on what is precious to you - but I had forgotten during these months of happiness and absence. It is like not seeing a mirror for months, then you are put before it and gaze into eyes of madness, belonging to a unrecognizable corpse-like body of illness.

I do not want to find myself ill or mad, nor do I want to recognize my weaknesses. But this is what happens when you bring a creature of the abyss into the light; as soon as you turn your gaze from it, it WILL be dragged back down into darkness, experiencing all the horrors of the fall, and will have it lingering for a while when it is back in its belongings. I feel as if I have been insane for years, but only got the emotions just now.

All I want at the moment is the one person who makes it go away. Mostly because my delusions are about loosing that one person. I can not believe that that person even jokefully suggest that I might not love it. Love does not go deeper than this.

I should sleep before I frighten myself to death.

UPDATE!

Well, I have been up to some things lately, so I have not posted because of inactivity IRL, rather the opposite. I have a thing that I do not like to post without an image to attach to it, though I have lots of pictures of kittens, I do not have means to transfer them to the computer I am currently at. Only thing I have is a paint doodle...

So what have I been up to? Well, saying good bye to Foxy, go to my father, cuddle with kittens, had my design put out on likström for the beta testers, had a power cut and felt lousy physically.

I feel a lot of "should do" but do not really have the energy at the moment.

And I am a little agitated from entries in a forum written by a person who wants us to close our borders for refugees while claiming that will help our country evolve and culture be preserved. And he uses the word "secularisation" as one of the three things that makes Caucasian people better, and I have no idea how he makes it all go together.

The so called "white" people are no better than any other people. I am not a humanitarian, I hate all of humanity (misanthropy) and I have to say that it is the so called "white" people's fault. I am one who frequently meet up with eggheads from other countries online, or rather I mostly meet up with eggheads online but I still believe in that there are intelligent people out there. I just happen to get loads of love-seekers who do not know much english at all because I fill in 'female' more often than 'male' on penfriend sites. (mostly due to my high pitched voice) They can't help that they know too little english to understand that I am not interested.

What really frills up my underwear is the stupid "white" people's ideas that they are better than others. It is exactly the same trait that they accuse the Muslims and the other middle eastern religions (like Christianity) of having when hunting down certain kinds of people. What worse is that it is also that point of view that frightens my neighbours and several (most) refugees in this country; they came here to avoid those things, yet the "salvators" are the same - pardon my use of language - shit and are equally lost in the head. Not too long ago a "white" person threw a bomb through a window of a neighbour of mine, who was an old harmless single woman. You call THAT "better" than those "middle eastern people"? I say "you crawled out of your mama with that mind, or did you beat your own brains out afterwards?"

White people are NOT white people; White people are humans with low level pigment in their skin. That is the ONLY difference, except that they are taller than most asians. And low pigment does not equal better, actually it equals worse since we are more vulnerable to the sun and UV-light.

I myself am so white I am actually loosing my pigment completely in some spots. Am I better? Of course not! I have an ego larger than life and a body that is weak as can be. I used to be an intelligent and healthy little child living in a versatile community, but now... I guess I got tainted from all of humanity's stupidity.

You complain about their wars? Who made those weapons in the first place? And one more thing; we drugged an entire world because we had nothing to trade with them. Feel better about yourself yet?

I quote wikipedia: But with highlight on what is important

"China was defeated in both wars leaving its government having to tolerate the opium trade."

Forgetful Indeed

Hah, I was going to post something around 18, but I did not quite manage that, and now I am running on a new date. Fun. But oh well.

Today I have been redoing the paths onto the fishes I made for likström.se and that was more or less what made me unable top post sooner.

And so I had a very enjoyable skype conversation with daethorian, gholen and two other people, one girl that took her leave fairly early, and one guy I embarrassingly enough never caught the name of. I really like those people, and they are good people.



Today's drama though was due to a person who was very mean to me. I did not really take it to hart in the first part of the "drama" which was when the person was stupefying me and degraded me of my value to raise himself to the skies. I am kinda used to that behavior.

Then, a few days later, he put in an entry to the designer I created the fished for with a "I will give you some rough sketches of the fishes tomorrow or the day after tomorrow" in an IRC channel called #likstrom. Since he had been talking so highly and "professional" about himself, I was worried he was going to steal the space so to say, and ruin my good mood that "was able to help" and "I did something nice".

Well, at first I was just trying to tell him that my fishes already had been more or less decided upon as I already had submitted them, but as he snapped at me though I was trying (kind of desperately) to keep a positive tone and trying to spare him some work and waste of time. Then I became unsure that my fishes were good enough and that they would be cast away.

It was at that point I talked to the designer, and asked how it was "have you two decided upon his work, or is mine still having a part in it?" and I told the designer what he had told me and that I was unsure and felt confused, which I did. The designer got really upset about what he said and did to me, and told me he more or less never really wanted that guy's work in the first place. He reassured me several times and helped me regain confidence, even though I felt bad about not bringing it up with the person it was all about.

I was being very careful not to spill any misinformation or take something out of context so it would make the guy seem worse than he is and I was very careful to not do foul play as technically from his point of view we were design rivals after all. But I still feel bad about not talking to him personally.

The reasons why I did not talk to him about it is that
1. I KNOW I would put myself in a weak position and ask for forgiveness for something that was not wrong; I consulted others with my issues I could not solve alone.
2. I am actually afraid to talk to him since he without exception snaps at me like a woman with terrible PMS. And for absolutely no valid reasons. At least women with PMS have a reason.

There are more reasons, like that I am a coward because I do not want him to throw another of his fits at me though I try to be nice, but I can not put them in good ways to reflect reality.

I feel horribly about not talking to him as I am an all cards on the table kind of person. I absolutely not tried to put him in a disposition, I just wanted to know if my work and happiness was going to be thrown away as he claimed to be such a good designer/shape giver. But I am well aware of how he could mirror it whilst being angry; he could say I was manipulating daethorian and some other people to get my things through, win sympathy and crush competition that way because my pictures were not good enough to stand up against his. I can see all the mean words before me, and I have no idea how to handle them.

True I did not think my creations could stand up against his, but I never saw anything he had made, because he was really dragging his feet with this. Right before I voiced my concern, I read that the guy had been talking talking DAYS before with the designer and it sounded on him like they had an agreement, thus my increased concern and main reason to voice it.

But turns out that guy has been going on the designer's nerves for quite some time, and have not been fulfilling his duties either. And pushing me down and snapping at me was the straw that broke the camel's back. Apparently he was not able to follow the simple guidelines for the design either which was a lively 2d fish that was simple and close to the copyrighted fish they had used so far just to have something.

In a way, his failure just makes it sad that I even voiced my concern as he never really was a threat, and I feel a little like I was kicking on someone lying down without knowing it. Dragging his ass was just really unprofessional and even though he did not get payed, it took him about 8-10 days to even do something to submit, something I did on my first attempt in one night... And I am a n00b. And the ones he did submit was horribly horribly failed, if I understood it right. I am yet to see what he made.

It is sad he will be getting a reprimand and loose his position on the site (instead of gaining a title) but it was his own doings. I feel bad about not talking to him, but I feel the support from daethorian and gholen, and I believe there is nothing more I can do but to start drawing on Young's character in the comic I am hopefully going to draw, which was the initial point from the beginning.

That said, I also must confess I really like all of the management of the site Likström.se and I have a lot of trust in daethorian (as daethorian is the one I have spoken the most to) and I feel privileged to be able to talk to them all and aid them in finding site bugs and creating art for them. They are exactly what I need right now.

Over and out.

If it is not one, it is the other

Originally I was going to write something about what a lovely day I had yesterday and how nice gholen is to me and how glad I got when he gave me a camera bag and a tablet for ~€10. But my biggest issue today is my hands and eyes.

If it is not my eyes itching/hurting so I can not keep my eyes open, my top of my wrists are itching so I wanna cry. It is so painful in a way when it itches so much. It makes me want to cut off the skin, and not feel any pain compared to the itching.

Well, I will sigh loudly and get to work I guess; have not been able to create anything nice art wise in a while.

I will be back.

Appreciation..!

Today I worked on some new design features for my favorite community, and it was approved and will be used in the new design..! I am very joyful right now; I have that warm feeling inside. I rarely make things that people give me credit for in a real sense; like in this where my creations will be used for real in something thousands of people will see. Not necessarily care about or notice, but still! It will be there for their convenience!



I am taking all of this to heart, in the midst of my low self confidence. I have not felt this good about my drawing abilities since I was exchanging comics with Jixi.

My next project is creating comic characters from the people running the site, which is not the easiest task, but oh so fun ^^

Still working on drawn by night though, so that project is not abandoned.

*off drawing all night*
Wheeee!

Not much to add

Well, events made it so that the last days I have not been able to make entries here. I am not too surprised since that is how my life usually works nowadays; disabled every other day. I was thinking that to make up for it I should make something nice to this entry, having something to talk about at least.

But... I got nothing.

This is what happened;
I went to celebrate my more or less only real friend Yonas' birthday this Thursday, I missed my buss/cart home, and had to go home at 4 am instead; that day's entry ruined, then I was exhausted enough to sleep the entire day away, then I had some kind of attack making me unable to breath, so it was off to the hospital for 14h. Of course they found nothing, as usual. After I came home I have been feeling bad as hell, and NEW parts of my belly is aching. Yay. I tried to explain the pain away with muscle fever, but apparently you can not have it in that area. Seems like yet another thing to bring up to my doctor at the local care-center. If I get a time there this year.

And after that... well, I felt like dying, so not much energy for anything. Though I made an earnest attempt to socialize by treating a neighbor and two "friends" we have in common to some chocolate pancakes bu my own recipe.

And just so you know; it is painful when the doctor stab you in the bone with the needle instead of the artery. Well, for me it was not that bad, just enough for me not be able to restrain myself. But a hell of a lot more than it should. And the pain goes on for like 4-5 hours after. I still feel tender in my wrist, and it has been a day or so. My first thought before I got to know that he stabbed my bone was "it must really hurt a fuckload to slit your wrists".

I know it is not interesting to read, but being so incredibly forgetful nowadays I really need to write it down to remember.

I dread the hospital bill, and I felt so incredibly silly for going into the hospital as I hate hospitals; They only check the "normal" things and sends me home because they do not find anything. Well, I am not diabetic, and I do not smoke nor drink, OR take medications dangerous to anything. What did you expect? I do everything to make myself healthy, so OBVIOUSLY the normal things are not what is wrong with me. Besides; I am young.

I have no faith in this region's medical care.

Praising

I must say I am getting really tired of people's praising. I was a little happy earlier today, especially since I have gotten a lot of praising lately and people being kind and positive towards me. Sadly I just realize they are just being kind, friendly and polite, or doing their jobs.

I am low in confidence right now, I am aware of it, but I know it shows; I went to a job coach today and she was very prominent on telling me how calm, composed, true and secure in myself I seemed. I know it is her job to give me confidence in myself so I will be confident applying for jobs and thus get one, I was expecting that, but it was the tings she remarked on that made me realize that my low confidence and high expectations on myself was shining through. I never seize to amaze myself in how easy I am to read. Personal letter my hiny; You just need to look at me and you will know instantly what a miserable person I am.

That aside though; I am really happy that some people seem to show interest in my works. And they are the ones that matters actually. I hope the response will be genuine and positive so that I can actually go back to believing in myself again. I will put in a lot of effort so at least I hope they will tell me if they do not like it, and it seems like they will.

Doing well..?

Ah, the meeting went well, I will have money two months ahead. That feels good. Now there is only one obstacle; the doctor. But I hope it will be resolved soon.

Tried to learn a new style of drawing females; fail. But the picture I made today and attach to this entry got very satisfying, considering that I do not know how to color properly. The makeup and feet are a little "meh" but it be my first time! Be gentle...

I am really hoping I get to design a header for my friend's blog, and draw comic versions of the Likström crew. And I sure hope they accept my comics..! I was going to start drawing on it today, but I got frustrated when I failed at drawing the other things. Also I need to write down the story so that the crew can approve of it before I draw it.

Tomorrow is yet an other of those days; I have lots of fun things to do! So little time... need to go to sleep soon so that I have the energy to do them.

G'night

Useless Work

It feels so futile to do things one know is in vain, just to survive! I had to apply for 10 different kinds of jobs today for the meeting at the social services tomorrow, or I would not be granted money for my survival, so I got up early (for being me) and applied for them all.

The thing is; I KNOW I will not be able to perform any of the jobs I applied for due to my lousy health. I am working on getting a time at a doctor, but it is WAY too hard, and I have to go through loads of shit. So now I need to get my journal from my old care center in order to be able to even book a time at a doctor's office.

Other than applying for jobs, I had a fit and put on makeup and started to photograph myself posing as a girl. I threw it into photoshop and voila! A really nice self-portrait. And as if that was not enough; I decided to make a new background here too, using that and an other thing I threw together by using some pictures I googled out.

I should probably go to bed soon in order to prepare for the meeting tomorrow. I really hope they will not revoke my support, then I will half and half die.

G'night Alles.

A trip to the store, and some hard work!

Some mornings I wake up almost like with a "ping", and then there is no way I could possibly continue sleeping, regardless how little I have slept or how tired I am. Today was one of those "mornings" (got up at 14, which is the earliest in a long time) and I spent most of the day trying to draw the picture attached to this entry.

I have absolutely no idea about how to paint and color, without using sharp edges at least, and I generally do very poor on coloring. I used a picture someone else made on DeviantArt to help get inspired in how to create the color blends. I know it looks nothing alike eachother, not even in the coloring, but I AM a newbie in this; I usually ONLY use pencils. And now I had to use a mouse only. The one I used to help me, I know the owner had a drawing board to attach to the computer, so it is not really fair to compare. But I do anyway.

Somewhere in the middle of the day me and my neighbor Akira went downtown to the store buying me some food and a mouse pad and two black plastic mugs, the later three being on sale - lucky me - but the store I was in did not have the ink pens I wanted to buy.

After the store I spent the rest of the day drawing, and I have NEVER spent so much time on a picture before. I guess I will have to get used to it.

And last night/this morning I was talking to a very sweet japanese girl on skype. I really need to polish my japanese; I am loosing what I already know.

*takes a deep breath*

Now, as it is in the middle of the night I will apply for jobs again; jobs I have not a sigh of a chance to perform, if I got them.

Trying to learn

Well, I woke up very eager to draw and create today, and really felt like going downtown to buy a few things I might need. So I started do some dishes, only to find out that it was too late to go to the store. I forgot it was Saturday, and I woke up at four PM.

So instead I decided to try to get a hold of my neighbor and try to get some drawing time with her, knowing she is better at coloring than I am. Though I never got a hold of her and had to give up on that idea too. So I decided to chat some with Daethorian on IRC and ask about the comic I might draw for her community, but she was away so that was put to waste as well.

So I decided to browse through some photoshop tutorials to gain some knowleadge in order to learn how to use all of the tools. I created a little GeminiJuSa in space thing (as you can see) and got kind of satisfied. But then I tried to draw some on a paper; no good. Need much more practice. *sighs*

I guess I will draw more today, but later, though I highly doubt the results will please me.

One more?

Well, I can not say I am not used to it, but it always surprises me every time. I was going to write something here earlier today, but I thought "nah, nothing has really happened to me yet" and idled a little more. But not too long ago a person I thought I was very close to - for being me - all of a sudden just... Said good bye and wished me a better life. I think she just quit our friendship. I must say I never saw it coming, and apparently the reason why was that my life is so meaningless and pointless because all I have in my life is a weak and sick body and Foxy.

I mean; I always knew I was no fun, but she visited here not too long ago and we had fun, or so I though. I have no idea what to say. I am getting good byes all the time, but not often like this; so clean cut and without the slightest hint of warning.

I just lost faith in a little bit more of humanity, and in my ability to make friends. I do not know why I am crying, but for some reason I am.

And funny thing is I have no-one to talk to about it either because... The one I had just quit my friendship, the other one does not care the slightest and the third and last one went to Barcelona yesterday.

I think I will go and try to manage this, that feels like a betrayal.

Over and out.

Reds streams

Some days are worse than other. For me one week is worse than the other three every month. I hate it; I hate to go through it, I hate the mess, and I absolutely HATE to admit it.

To me, it is vile and evil. I do not mind a part of it, but it floods and leaves marks everywhere if I am not careful. Also, it is unnatural. To everyone but me it is the highest sign of health and natural occurrence and the prosperity of the species. But to me it is like a sign of death. And that annoying pain! It overwhelms me if I do not eat aspirins like a junkie.

Now, thanks to a special little pill (that is fuck expensive) the pain is at bay, the mass slightly less, but still a lot, just not for the same extended period of time. It only does a little, but it does more than anything else that I have tried, so I hope I can afford it in the long run.

And above being unnatural; it is expensive! Why would nature force upon us this stupid thing that costs up money, self respect and precious health. No wonder people have considered it foul and sinful. It is impractical like hell too.



This is all that consumes my days during this time. Well, that and a person who role plays online while pulling his dick.

I want to do stuff to get my mind off the pain, but if I move, it pours over. And it is dripping all over the place too. Lucky thing this morning that I was standing over commercials and nothing important.

I think I will go waste some more time on communities where no-one is talking to me.

Just Another Piece of Art

Not original, not special, nothing more than you, yet I grant myself an ego of extreme dimentions. I am one of those wannabe artists that keeps creating, eventhough it all sucks. I am better than many but still nothing to brag about; just your average internet user.

I am also one of those people with sky high expectations of oneself and I will never be fine with what I do or have done. I am striving towards perfection; though I am well aware that I will never get that far.

Once upon a time I was intelligent and had an exceptional memory; remembering ever the slightest detail. I used to have a prosperous voice and art talent, though I never possessed any means to elaborate them any further, I always since I discovered my abilities tried to pursue the dreams of being something some day. I even took up on writing and had very good reviews from my teachers, but I realized that teachers see more in the students than what is actually there, and after reading what I was writing, I gave up on my 100p + novels - which never got finished - and writing and focused more on creating a bad personality.

I always pull the story of my li(f)e to every new person I meet, so why not give you the 5 min version here in text instead:

Naive childhood, ignoring my miserable conditions as the youngest and overlooked child of 3 in a poor family with a headache medicine abusing single mother. At the end of my childhood (age 7) I gained two younger siblings to steel the spotlight, and I just tried to melt into the background as good as I could, silently humming some made-up songs.

As with everyone else, school was horrible and I got kicked, spit on, hit, taunted and ignored alongside every other shit kids does towards one another. Though I always loved studying and sort of idolized the teachers as sources of information, and for the reason that they more or less were the only ones to ever bother with me.

I had one friend through elementary school; she was my everything and still love her to death, even though we were abruptly forbidden to ever meet again. I stalk her on the internet, but she has little use for me nowadays as she is busy being screwed up by her horrible childhood.

High school was for me like for everyone; hell on earth. By this time I had long since stopped even noticing those who bullied me. I also slowly fell ill in some mysterious disease we are still yet to diagnose, except for a stupid hypothyreosis, and that kind of fucked up my plans of having a calm teenage period.

I was thrown out of my first high school due to the extent of the bullying that the students were causing disturbance to the classes. So I moved to my father and started "anew" in an even more narrow-minded school and found my second real friend. We had a very close and intimate relationship, and it was only possible due to our mutual feelings of disgust towards the thought of ever taking it into something even remotely sexual. He served me well as a friend all through both younger and older high school, and we remain friends til this day, but we do not see each other that much.

Older high school was more or less in a mist of lethargy, as my illness was raging through my body. I had to repeat one year due to absence. Year 1-2 I was in school every day, but once there I never managed to do anything but stare into the abyss. I was never depressed, just apathetic. And all the years up until then I was being scolded as being lazy, when my body just was not working.

I managed to graduate with "ok" grades this summer and am now just wallowing in my own dirt as I am too tired to do anything at all, except barely computer related things.

And so I am here;
I think way too much, and doing way too little. I used to be intelligent, but now... I am more of the waste that is left if you pick everything even slightly desirable out of a human being.

And another thing;
I consider myself gender neutral and have never gotten the big fuzz about gender, sexualities and social relations. Why does one have to sugarcoat everything one say and am? I am completely without boundaries and I am fine with it, except that there are downsides to it I have a hard time handling. I will never understand your facial expressions or why you suddenly got mad at me, but I try to guess.

I do not expect a single soul to read this shit, but I would be glad if anyone would care to take the time with it. Comments are more than welcome.