Loosing what's important

Tonight I dreamt about a friend I lost. Someone who one day just got fed up with me and left. That does happen ever so often, and they are all very dear to me so it kinda hurts a lot when they do. The dream was a prolonged scene of our friendship and how much I enjoyed having her as a friend, then came rejection upon rejection. I had to suffer through those feelings of her still being my friend in my heart, while she completely ignored me or spat at me. Nothing mean bitchy, just plain "I want none to do with you".

I've more or less just about gotten over the hurt, but that dream tore up the wound again. Not as big as before; it's like cutting in scar-tissue; it's rougher to cut in so the wound isn't as big, you can't feel as much and scar-tissue doesn't bleed as much either. It's been two and a half year now, I wonder why it's still a bit sensitive.

I'm used to being "dumped". People tiring of me is not a new phenomenon and I've long since accepted that 1. that's how people work 2. I'm not perfect. But it is still people I love and cherish.

At the moment I'm really happy that I still have Yonas. I do have some other up and rising friends, but I just am a very lonesome person. I can't trust people, and when I do they leave, roughly put. Luckily it's been a long time since I got hurt and betrayed in a mean and terrible way by someone I trusted whom then turned it's back to me. The people I've had as friends are in general of a very high standard personality and character-wise. They normally just end the friendship and then stay as far away from me as possible, probably not even mentioning my name ever again. But Loosing people I trust still adds to my distrust and hesitation to trust people.

I really hope my new friends will have patience with me in the meantime. It feels really mean to not be able to say that I trust them, while I act as if I do, hoping they'll not hurt me. I cherish them still, and I hope that one day I will consider them true friends at heart.

I'm still a doormat to the people I want to be friends with. I'm terribly easy to use and abuse since I'm so overseeing and accepting. And quite frankly, I expect to be used since I'm such an easy target. I wish those I hold never will hesitate to ask me for a hand though, because recently, I feel as if I'm on the receiving end. I rather be the giver, because other people's happiness is my happy.

I wish I could tell that former friend how much I appreciated her, and how much I regret not seeing that I was a bother. There weren't any time to redeem myself, and sadly, I'm not much more fun today. But she brought me a lot of happiness and made me feel as if I had someone who understood me. I don't think I'll ever get a friend like her again.

And I also hope that those who consider me a friend, never will. I treasure each one of you, and if you decide one day that your life has no space for me, then I will always be happy about the time I got from you.

G'night. No art for you today.

Guild Wars again

So, I've started to play Guild Wars again. 6h today, 4h yesterday and BOY did I miss it! I've been starting to try and gather up some items to trade in for the Halloween event's special items. And when I farm, I just play the dang game because I'm only getting them for my own amusement anyway.

And to get into the spirit of Halloween I'm starting to draw my necro:

Art-wise I'm trying to master anatomy. For some reason the bodies turn out super weird when I do the "proper technique" so I had to edit the blueprint sketch I made for this pic several times, and the feet still look like dough lumps.

What I'm trying to master the most is the hip/groin area. For some reason, I'm just as bad at that as I am with armpits. Yes, armpits, boobs and hips. Evil they are. What's the hardest for me when it comes to the groin area is the hipbones, the fat-distribution where the ass meet the leg and the gender area itself. I really can't draw it properly. Male groins are not to be spoken of... I make a bulge and that's that. Just looking at penis/groin tutorials makes me wanna cry. My life model though is a bit easier for my mind and fear of genders (more like utter and complete disgust loath abhor rather than fear) but I still can't draw it... Ugh...

Would be nice if I could make some cute pin-ups. Only for the sake of that I for some reason have the impression that all good artist should be able to draw a pin-up. Probably because I have no sense of sexiness and find it extremely hard to make a pinup. Also, the poses used in drawings are very hard to do in real life, so I haven't seen much of them to study...

One thing I find very peculiar is that the more I practice drawing something, the worse I become at making it. It might have something to do with what Platon said (or was it Socrates?) "The more I know, the less I know I know". Or "The more I learn, the more I know how little I know". The results are still that it becomes uglier though. More correct I suppose, but uglier. Not in the "real life is uglier than prettified art"-way but just plain ugly.

Hopefully I'll get better though. I'm gonna use my "I'm so tired I don't know what I'm doing"-days to doodling, since doodles can be ugly. Like "U jelly" scull I made and the cheesy ugly doodles of one of my favorite original characters couple. Doodling is for art progress what eating is for the body. When I stopped doodling as I quit school I started to starve art-wise and easier got into art-blocks as well as I lost a little of the fun.

Now: Sleep.
Tomorrow: Colouring, more Guild Wars and hopefully food.

G'night.

More sensless whining

Do I really know what to make of myself? How do I become more serious without getting crushed by failure in life. I never became what I wanted. None of the things I aspired to be. I'm not a singer songwriter, heck, I'm not even a musician. I'm not a certified graphic designer/hired artist. I'm not a doctor. I'm, at this point, nothing.

I'm a waste of skin. I could have been so much, but this crappy body just put an end to it. Yet I'm filled with so much lust to live. But what for? I'm a social retard, and I'm living on starvation (almost at least, I'm just too good at using what little I have in an efficient way) as well as I am unable to do the things I want to do.

I'm walking in a haze. My hands, my mouth and my body move all on their own.

"Look at the shell that is you.
Empty, fragile, weak.
Soon the battle is over,
Lost to Apathy."

I'm not happy with what I am right now at all. I need to get away from this. I need change. I need a network to pull strings in, so that I can realize what I was meant to do. This bird can't stay in this cage, I need to fly to be able to sing.


And here's the lyrics to one of my songs:





Singing for an empty arena

Someones go to heaven, and someones go to hell.
Someones go to nothing, and get reborn again.
Living is for people who make suffering a fact.
Living is for nothing, and leaves you without a chance.


'Cause I'm singing for an empty arena.
I'm singing for an empty arena.
Noone listens in this empty arena,
I'm singing for an empty arena.


The show is long ago over, and everyone has left.
Singing is for nothing when noone's here to here.
Or was there ever someone here to hear at all?
Singing is for noting when I don't sing for those I should.


'Cause I'm singing for an empty arena.
I'm singing for an empty arena.
Noone listens in this empty arena,
I'm singing for an empty arena.


Noone listens in this empty arena.
I will die here in this empty arena.
I'm singing for an empty arena.



A bit repetitive, I agree. But I made it when I was 13.


Now I'll go and clear out some stuff from my apartment. I have way too much clatter, and I have no idea why I still have it...


Peace out. I'll complain some more some other day.

The Bird in a Cage

I really feel caged today. I really want to sing, I really want to make music; it's flowing through my veins, just waiting to get to make it's way out.

But I'm terribly bad at it. I sit with the instruments, and everything that emerges from my hands is shit. I can hear how it doesn't come out right. I suppose my dreams to become a musician are all fading away. True that I have to practice every day, but it's not very inspiring to sit alone with broken instruments and make music noone will ever hear.

What's making me feel even worse is the fact that I've been supported. For what? I'm not that special, I just slightly better at karaoke than the average person. I sing with feeling? Not really, you're just blinded by affection towards me. Every time I record myself it sounds like shit. I get headaches just from listening to myself sing. It was very naïve of me to think I'd have a future in music.

I've been trying to learn a Haste the Day song called  "Mad men" and it sounds terrible. I feel ashamed while I sing. Sadly though, I really want to learn how to sing it and make a cover on it. But I suppose it would be a disgrace to both me and the band who made it originally.

This isn't supposed to be a whine blog, but it's my feeling as they are now.