Old and out of shape

Yesterday I was dirty, wanted to be pretty. I know now that I'm forever dirt.
I'm a nobody, wanna be somebody.

Days like today (or nights?) I can't help but to feel this emptiness and lack of future.

Growing up suck. Becoming disillusioned sucks. The future sucks.

I grew up to realize, I don't have any talents.
- I'm incredibly bad at behaving properly or socializing at all.
- I'm not a good photographer.
- I'm not a good pencil artist, painter or digital artist.
- In not good at drawing or colouring.
- I'm nothing special when I sing.
- I can't play any instrument better than a wonky "wonder wall" on an acoustic guitar.
- I don't have any stage presence.
- My lyrics aren't good.
- My compositions aren't good.
- Forget about poetry, COMPLETELY.
- I'm not good at writing stories.
- I'm not very proficient with the English language.
- I'm not anything special at cooking.
- I'm not good at sewing.
- I'm not good with mathematics.
- I'm not good at coding.
- I'm not very good with computers (I'm an average user who can troubleshoot with google).
- I'm not good at playing any kind of games.
- I'm bad at googling. (It's not that I don't do it, I suck at finding what I'm looking for)
- My memory is pretty much useless.
- I don't have my facts straight.
- I'm a slow reader.
- Everything regarding my physical body suck; every single little strain of hair.
- And I don't know how to fix any of it.

These are all points I thought were my strong points. And I've begun to realize I was never good at any of that, I had no natural talent. I worked hard to become a little less sucky, that's all.

I've never thought highly of myself, but I used to think I had a good brain with good intellectual qualities. I used to think I was made of some kind of finer mental quality. But I don't think that it is that "I've been acting like an idiot for so long that I don't know how to not act stupid" any more. I've caught up to the fact that I don't know how to act intelligently because I'm not intelligent.

It's hard to come to terms with that I don't know anything. I'm not good at anything. I'm just a stupid little girl growing old and out of shape. I can't even sit down and pay attention any more.

When I think about my future I really see nothing. Realizing I have no skill, just makes a future of any sort further away. What am I supposed to do? What am I grabbing for? Why am I even alive?

I have but one answer, which is to my last question. I live because I want to be with the one person I trust and love. That's it. That's the soul reason; I want to hang out with that one person. Lovely existence.

I don't want to be me. I don't want this piece of shit.