Loneliness

And now for some self-pity.

It's kind of a good thing that I rarely feel like I wanna hang out and do something fun with random people. Mostly because at those times, noone wants to hang out with me.

I'm the king of spontaneous meet-ups only. I'm only good to people when they have nothing better to do, and it's always been like that. I don't know how many times I went across town or just to someone living far away from me (in relation to my age and population in the area I was living in) and once I got there, I found out that the friend I got a call from to come play with, had found someone more fun to go play with.

Sometimes I wonder if all those humiliating things my "friends" and brother made me do back then is the reason for why I almost never get embarrassed..?

I was also the friend you hung out with in secret. "Don't tell anyone that I hang out with you, because I don't want to get bullied". That part - I guess - was because of outer circumstances rather than my personality one-on-one. I forgave people for that.

When there was a "best friends forever" fad going on, I got "dumped" thrice for someone else. I always got asked to be "best friend" I never asked someone to be mine. But of course, getting dumped I figured they weren't much of best friends anyway.

But in the current day, I can't feel lonely. Why? Because if I do, I'll just end up miserable and write even more pitiful blog entries than this. I might even write a song! Gasp!

If I feel lonely there's nothing but time to cure it. And if I truly feel lonely, I think the loneliness will consume me in a downward spiral. I think. Maybe I can pull myself out of it. I usually can, somehow. I probably just.. have to do what I am now; accept that I am alone. Accept that people have lives that doesn't include me. And to most people, I am the only one wanting to meet up at all.

I'm not asking for people to drop everything in their hands to meet up with me, but if I needed it sometime, it would be nice if I could find someone who would do that, without an agenda to get into my pants.

I guess... I just feel the absence of someone who will stimulate my mind, and some warmth. Maybe I want some attention? I do like to give attention, but I just give and give. Would be nice to get some. Sadly, the only time I get some attention and warmth is when I have a blood pressure fall. That is not something I want associated with kindness. It feel pretty miserable that the only time I get some care is when I feel like I'm dying. On the other hand, it's a bit reassuring too; that there is at least one person in this world who wouldn't want me gone.

Now I can't type more because I'll just never end if I do. I'm lonesome, I need to go deal with that by killing off some emotions and deal with reality. I'm lonely and alone, so what. Who cares?

G'night