Nights in hell

It's like falling, loosing ground or riding over a bump when you're not prepared. Then the nausea, the chill that goes through the body and makes me shiver and clapper with my teeth. Trying to relax to ease the strain I feel on my body. I don't know what has strained me, but I can feel it. The fear when it feels like I'm loosing my grip of life. The fear of dying.

I'm getting more and more used to these states, these blood pressure falls. The fear is what I've learned to control; I know I'm not gonna die, or I tell myself so like a meditative mantra. It doesn't affect my body's state though, I'm still nauseous and it still feels like my hart is beating hard in it's weak state to not stop. I still feel as if the entire building is rocking and my perception of gravity is temporally lost. It actually is a bit like when you're just about to fall asleep and you feel as if you're falling/flying, but you're wide awake; more awake than I ever could be normally. It's the awakeness of your pending death.

I don't know what to do about this body of mine. I have 4-5 lotions to put on my skin, two of them doesn't do anything at all but itch or smell bad and are sticky. And the terrible pills they make me pop, and they (the doctors) keep pestering me to take happy pills, which I promptly says no to until they find out what's physically wrong with me because my head is - or was - fine.

I admit I am a bit low in spirit sometimes... but I've been ill physically for five years, and they are STILL trying to feed me iron pills, which is what they've been doing for 7 years... And the results are still the same, I just feel worse. I wasn't down before, it's something that's come up within the last year and is still just emerging.

If this is the same situation I am in, in four years I am going to vote for being humanly put down. This isn't a life, this is suffering. I'd trade with someone from the third world to take my place, so all of this isn't completely wasted.

Well... Gonna go listen to the RENT soundtrack now to listen to other people's suffering, so that I don't feel as bad for myself. Self pity is just embarrassing.

//XXX