Beyond grace?

Last week I got an interview for a small part time job, which I actually got too. I started on the first of may and have been working one hour every morning this week (I was free Sunday) which is the amount of time I spend on the job; I clean a coffee shop once a day on the even weeks. And apart from that job, I have been offered a week of internship at the restaurant in the museum, which I am also attending this week. So I have been working hard these two days. I wonder how dead I'll be on Saturday, which I am also working during the day.

What is really nice with the internship in the restaurant is that I get two meals there; breakfast and lunch. The food is really delicious and the work really fun, though way too tiring and heavy for me, and dries out my hands completely.

Working hard is something I really like. When I get home around half passed four my feet hurt so bad I can't stand up any more, and I'm so tired I fall asleep instantly if I lay down. It's wearing me out completely, but for a week I can do it.

I think people complaining on their wages are silly; for food and lodging I could do almost any work, provided my body was healthy. It doesn't take much money to survive, but I guess the luxury a lot of people in this country have is really important. I'm not saying that everyone should work like slaves for food and lodging only, but I do think more people should try working for food and lodging only for a while to learn how fortunate they actually are to be able to live as they do today.

Well... Guess I'll take a shower before I need to go to sleep again.

G'night y'all.

Lyrics from frustration..?

"I look at myself, and I look at what I've done.
Remembering what I wanted to do and to become.
So many dreams, so much potential never to be realized.
I'm like a seed never planted, an tree never grown.

I don't have the confidence, I don't have the strength.
I don't have that little extra to be a piece of your game.
I want to reach you, the ones that are like me.
I want to reach humanity.

Mixed emotions are haunting me;
Am I angry that I'll never be that free?
Am I sad that nobody wants to hear?
Am I frustrated, or do I shake in fear?

The future I sought is beyond my reach.
What's crying in my soul is my creativity.
In this wicked shell, not beautiful enough
I am shaking, trembling and trying to cope with reality.

Listen my heart; some things aren't meant to be.
What brings joy to my life isn't good enough you see.
Being realistic you should find something else to treasure.
Find something else to call your own.

Opening up to this wicked world;
There's no place to be that free.
Why would anyone want to hear?
There's no hope there's only fear.

The future I sought is beyond my reach.
What's crying in my soul is my creativity.
In this wicked shell, not beautiful enough
I am shaking, trembling and trying to cope with reality.

I don't have the confidence, I don't have the strength.
I don't have that little extra to be a piece of your game.
I want to reach you, the ones that are like me.
I want to reach humanity.

I want to reach humanity."

The cry of a broken artist, by Aizic

Lost potential

I went to see mo oldest friend (that actually wants anything to do with me) Yonas yesterday and dressed very improperly for the occasion; wore my leather boots that I haven't worn in yet. Needless to say my heels are sore..? Both of us being broke, we wandered about for a while, talked and then went over to his place, had dinner, listened to music, sang and youtubed some. It was a fun relaxing evening. Though, about the time I was gonna take the tramcar to the bus home, his roommate said "such a pity you missed Idol today" and thus we found out that yesterday and today were the auditions held for the swedish Idol. So I spent the night there and went with Yonas in the morning instead. it went kinda fast for being Idol and I was done in "only" 4 hours.

I don't think I need to say I didn't go through. I did a horrible performance in the precasting. They guys were kind though to say "you sing really nice" but they didn't think I had that "little extra" to make me a star. Which basically means I'm not beautiful or "talented" enough. In a crowd, on a stage there's nothing wrong with my voice. That's the only thing I'm confident about, and I guess it showed. But I think they must have been a little tone deaf if they didn't think I performed poorly. I can feel how every note does not place right in my throat, coming out my mouth all weird and not as it should.

I'm not very taken by the turn down, but I have lost a little faith in myself. I feel very confident about the fact that I'll never stand on a big stage. My one dream will mot likely never be realized. I'll probably live though my entire body screams for singing into people's hearts. I can't say a life without music would not hollow me out completely, because it would. I'm not an attention whore and I have somewhat of a brain. Maybe that's what's wrong with me?

I'm not outstanding. I've never been, I'll never be either.

"Claim the sunshine light my li(f)e,
everything I know has been a lie.
I'll never be what you wanted,
I'll never be like you wanted.
I am a shadow and that is true.
And I'm so happy to be here...
...when they kick my ass."
- "Cry the short version" by Me.

I'm feeling both driven to prove them wrong, and act towards my dream and completely sucked out, lost faith in everything anyone tells me. I will probably never trust someone saying I should be a star. I'm just not that good.

I'm lost potential,
something good gone to waste.
What should I believe in
when all I hear is lies?

I am happy today

Today I can really relate to a thing my friend Yonas talks about a lot; being happy when other people aren't. I think the biggest difference between me and Yonas is that I feel guilty for feeling good when others does not regardless of their attitude towards me. Yes, there are a lot of people trying to drag you down when you are feeling good, pulling you down into their pit of despair. But I feel guilty even if the unhappy one's are actually happy for me. I don't know if it is because I'm a selfless person who rather gives away my own happiness to other people, or if I'm some kind of self centred person who can't believe in other people's ability to create their own happiness, and thus pitying them.

But today I have felt happy and sentimental all day. It's a good feeling and I'm innocently happy for practically no reason. There are two things I need to be truly happy; my Foxy and a healthy body. But even though I only posses one of them, I'm still pretty happy.

A lot of people doesn't like my lifestyle; I'm living with a person who doesn't pay rent or help out whit household chores. In their eyes I can't justify why I/we are living like this and I wonder why I have to. There is nothing I can say about this without sounding like a naïve used person with the classic excuse "but it makes me happy so I cloud my eyes and pretend everything is fine" but I am very well aware that it seems like it and that nothing I say can change how it looks to someone else.
But I value having someone loving me unconditionally and being there for me 24/7, taking care of my emotional and mental needs as well as my physical.

I put high demands on Foxy; he needs to heed my every call. He does prepare food most of the time lately and it's my choice to not let him clean and do chores because I am not comfortable with him doing those for several reasons that aren't logical. In a way I keep him trapped in a cage because I need him to be there for me all of the time as I never know when my body will break down. And the reason I am supporting both of us is because dealing with the authorities for more money is such a pain. We are both unemployed and both of us are looking for a job. It's not like Foxy sits at home scratching his ass all day living the sweet life of a free-loader. If it was reversed I would have lived off of him with the same conditions.

But having him here is my joy and I'm happy to feed him. There's not much difference economically between having him here and living alone except the food price. And for food I get mental, emotional and physical security. And lots of love. I can almost live on love, or rather, his love is what is keeping me alive. I have never cared about living or dying before I met him. So everyone that treasure me should embrace him.

Speaking about money... I need to apply for some jobs (even though I have a full time internship, wooohooo) and I'm just so increadably happy we don't have to do this double up. I sure hope I can get a certain job I have applied for, because if I do it's bye bye social support and hello independent living with the ability to SAVE money. I really loath the paperwork that comes with being unemployed.

But having my foxy here, I'd pay millions!!! But I give him something that money could never buy him: myself. Somehow though, I still feel like I am getting the better deal. And I guess that is what matters.

G'day yall.

The poor life of an Artist

The bills are paid and I am pleasantly surprised to have more money left than I expected - which is that there IS money left. I was fearing not being able to pay one of the bills, but I did and have a small amount left. I doubt I will be able to make it on those these two weeks until the next payment, but luckily I'm not alone! I have my Foxy to help out. If the money would run out, he has some money too. It is not much, but we aren't gonna eat like kings and horses at the same time. Besides, I get my next payment in two weeks so it should be fine. After that there shouldn't be any money problem what so ever though I probably will have to refill the canned foods, dried foods and grains. But that's fine; it's not like I am in dire need to buy anything else.

The only thing I want is a rice boiler. *dreams away*

I wish I had more money to spend on art, but it seems like I don't. A new computer would be lovely but... Well... money.

I met up with a friend yesterday and I showed him around Uddevalla and brought him to the museum, showed him the baby chicks there. Yes, they have real living Easter chicks there. He bought us (him, me and Foxy) food (Tacos, whee!) so I am really thankful for that; it helped us out a lot. Especially that there were leftover; food for another day, YAY! I have the best of friend while they decide to hang around.


Cheers.

Taking out the trash

Yeah, I was supposed to update every now and then...

Well, I'm doing my internship at the local museum right now, and will until the 31st of may.

We're doing a program to an exhibition, and I am also going to display a comic to that exhibition so everyone look forward to that, ok?

Other than that I guess I'm busy cleaning out this hell hole. We might get company tomorrow so I want a hell-hole that is at least slightly less disgusting.

Gotta get some cleaning stuff for the sink that is clogged (it's been messing with me since I moved in here) so that I can use it soon. Gonna send Foxy on the mission of carrying out the trash. Need to buy a vacuum cleaner bag so that I can vacuum.

Have fun you too!

The discarded

I dreamt about a lost friend tonight. I dreamt her family moved into the same apartment as mine did. She had lost half her weight though and were even twice as skinny as me. Every time we encountered each other she voiced how stupid she thought I was and how everything I did was stupid and meaningless. It hurt.

I know that the reason she stopped being my friend was because I was boring and couldn't bring anything into her life, not to humiliate me or anything. But I will never be able to shake off not being good enough. I really treasured her and thought I had a kindred spirit in her. The heartbreaks of my friends are five hundred thousand times worse than the heartbreaks of lovers. I put a lot of myself into those I treasure and I'd lay down my life for them any time.

I'm not happy with what I am right now, but it's not like I am not trying to change. It's hard being this weak, and horrible to be this pathetic. It was that which scared her away in the first place.

I still have the drawing I got from her displayed in my room. I treasure it dearly though she's almost embarrassed by the quality now (she improves at a great pace).

"Don't walk away!
I just can't find the right things to say."
- Don't walk away, by Headstone.

I guess it lingers so much because I care. It seems the only thing I'm good at these days is loosing people and screwing things up.

Useless crap

Heh... Not only am I uninteresting, when I say something, it's bad too.

I don't see why people find a happy and excited person so annoying they want to throw it out of their lives, though it actually could be of help, and was happy to help.

I don't know why I get so affected by being rejected. I don't care mentally, but emotionally I turn into a wreck. I'm not really contributing with anything anywhere. I'm as worthless as can be. I'm physically a wreck too, and noone cares about trying to find out what's wrong though I am legally right to get cured. I'm only a bigger problem being ill.

What's the most sad, is that I have noone to talk to. People pull away from me. The only one I technically could talk to lives too far away, and when we meet I don't want to talk about these kinds of things. Because if I do, I'm afraid he'll stop talking to me too. It really hurts when someone turns down the friendship. And I have so many people rejecting any kind of relation to me. It had been fine I guess if I had cut it with the (selfish I know, that's why I don't do it) or if it had just drifted away and that was that. But I've intentionally been turned down, and actively had people chosen to stay drifted away, even though we never intended to in the first place. Am I the only one to care?

I feel like such a laughing stock. I used to be one, and I didn't care then; I knew they weren't my friends and that everything I did including them would result in something demeaning towards me. But... It hurts to be rejected by someone I thought was my friend, or just someone who could have been my friend.

What I am having in mind today is that I've been interested in doing some scanlation editing, or helping out in any way. I searched for some groups, and ended up with my favourite releaser. I did their editing test and sent it back to them last friday. To topp it off, I joined their IRC channel to try to befriend them there and get to know them better. Excited to see how I did on the test and if maybe I'd be accepted I waited the entire weekend, chatting every now and then with some random people at the IRC channel. I did mention that I was eager to help out and was awaiting the email with passion. You know; silly and refreshing the inbox in my hotmail, as if it would be sent quicker. Which I also mentioned in IRC. I was jokingly saying I wanted to know if I was dissed or not; as in if they wanted me or not. Then all hell broke loose.

Suddenly someone I've never talked to in the chat starts to talk to me in a very demeaning way, I try to tell the person I have no ill intent. It goes on and I am more or less being completely humiliated verbally, and I still try to turn it around, but I start to loose interest in that person; after so many harsh words, I don't want to befriend that person any more, but I still don't want to be in a fight with it; neutral is fine. So I ask the person why it is being so mean and I frankly tell it (as good as I can) that it is being unreasonable, and more or less an ass. The verbal abuse tags off, and I already halfway through it knew there was no way in hell they'd want me in their team. But when I said that I didn't even know who the person was and I had no ill intentions and there was no need to jump me, that was apparently the straw the broke the camels back, and I got kicked.

I think it's fine, because I don't want to work with such people anyway; that sees what they want in whatever they want. That automatically assume I am mocking them or being mean or whatever to make a legit reason to bash out like that. I'd say if there was any sense in that person, it was hidden VERY well. I'm not even going to sugar-coat it! I was being bashed for no reason and the person seamed like a angry idiot. I am not the least sad about not co-working with a person like that.

But I was actually brought to tears about what was said to me and how I was treated. That's what puzzles me. I'm such a whiny bitch. Just the fact that I'm writing this entry proves it. So what do I do to make it stop?

I guess the only thing to do is to actually not hang around people, but I've always thought that to be the chicken way out. Maybe some problems aren't supposed to be faced?

I feel like such an idiot right now, or every day rather. I don't have anything interesting to say. I have a bad sense of humour and every kind word up until now has been forced out to keep on my good side, to be kind. After all; noone likes a lonely person who gets emotional if rejected.

I wonder how stupid I actually am.

//XXX

Laxabon Prt. 2

This is the second part of my too much information story. If you're still squeamish, don't read.





[Gruesomeness starts here]

19:02 1st glass of second round downed
Lukewarm it isn't too tasty. Not only is pretty much anything not very tasty lukewarm, geranium flower tasting water is - as you can imagine - much worse. It's like you have them in a vase, then put it in the sun a sunny summer day and then remove the flower and serve. Bleh! Thank heavens for the sweets!

I forgot in my first calculations that I would keep on squishing out stuff for one or two hours after I stop drinking the laxative. This means that I won't be done by 21 as I thought, instead I will be done closer to 23. Yay... I am going to reward myself with a nice shower and pretend this didn't happen before I go to bed, ensured that I am no longer effected by the stuff. I can't shower for too long though since I have to get up around 6 am.

19:12 2nd glass of second round downed
It has cooled down a little now and tastes slightly better... But it still is bad. Not disgusting, just bad. I have an even stream om small amounts of water coming out now. Sometimes I don't know if I'm pooping or peeing, sometimes I do both.

And my legs are numbing away. It's still painful though.

19:23 3rd glass of second round downed
I have changed my approach this time; instead of pulling down on the amount, I fill the glass as much as I can without spilling it when I move it. With that method I only have 2 glasses left, on the first liter. Then we have the second one... Bring it on! This time I am feeling the results already, which is promising in the sense that maybe I get off the hook earlier than expected. Not getting my hopes up though.

19:33 4th glass of second round downed
Oooh, tummy didn't like that! Maybe I should prolong the distance in between the doses? hurr... tummy not glad. Not glad at all.

19:44 5th glass of second round downed
It's getting more even with the let outs too. It's just poring right through. The last liter is prepared and I'll begin the first glass with the next glass. Feels refreshing to only have this last liter.

This is the first time I have drunk this much in a row. My butt is starting to get angry. Probably didn't have enough lotion on it. It's a bit late to reapply now since I am kinda busy...

19:55 6th glass of second round downed
Geh..! This one is warm too! Bleh. I am never gonna go close to those flowers ever again! Good thing I am not living with my mother; it's her favorite flower. Maybe this is a redemption for my sin of killing my own flowers? It's not like I mean to, but it's hard to keep them alive when 1. cats flipping them over and 2. I'm not at home. I should go get some cactus again.

20:06 7th glass of second round downed
Well, it's going down... halfway done now, more or less at least. I am not that happy. I long for my shower ant try to pass time at DeviantART.

20:18 8th glass of second round downed
Heh, forgot the time there a little. Tummy is not complaining, but my butt is; don't want to sit here any more. One glass left, maybe a half one after that. Then this shit is DONE! *can't wait*

It's drawing near! I am almost a bit excited to get the next one that will be the almost last one!

20:28 9th glass of second round downed
It's only a liiittle left in there now. I'll take it in another 10 min. Wooohoo!!! So tired of this shit!

20:38 10th glass of second round downed, LAST ONE!
Although it was barely half a glass, I'm done! Now I just to let it go through.

I suddenly realized I have been worrying about honey in the tea, but the sweets I am eating have cream in them! That might not be too good. I am going to be mad if it gets ruined because of that, especially since I could have done it without them!

Oh well... I'm sucking the last one right now. I will have to settle with that.

Well... I won't post much more in here now, unless something comes up, so...

G'night ya'll!

Laxabon Prt. 1

I am warning you beforehand; This is going to be a graphic and nasty entry so do not read it if you are sensitive. I am posting this for two reasons; To have something to do and to remember the event for further notice. It will get updated during the day/evening.




[Gruesomeness starts here]

I am doing preparations for an examination tomorrow, which means that I have to completely devoid my gut and tummy of food. Hence I am drinking a laxative called Laxabon. I am bracing myself for a horrid experience. I enter the bathroom with my computer, a t-shirt, thick socks, a bag of sweets to suck on between the glasses of laxative (I was recommended to do that), the laxative, one normal drinking glass and my phone for timer on when to drink the stuff.

15:24 1st glass downed
I am surprised at the taste, which isn't as bad as I thought it would be. But it tastes salty and a bit like flower dirt and it feels a little that it isn't something I should be drinking if it wasn't for this thing. No chocolax here.

I realized I had forgotten to grease up my butt, so I greased it up nicely. Butt protection, YAY!

15:36 2nd glass downed
I am beginning to think that maybe I should have moved around more before I started taking it; it is supposed to work better than, and so far; nothing's happened. I wasn't eating much yesterday anyway; maybe there's nothing to get rid of? Considdering all I ate was 4 snickers bars and one can of premade fish buns.

15:46 3rd glass downed.
I am feeling ghost movement. If I had been eating much, I guess it would be coming now, but so far only air. My throat is getting a bit angry; it doesn't really like that stuff. I am feeling a bit full too so I'm not very confident about drinking at this speed... I try to drink slightly less so I won't be bothered too much.

15:56 4th glass downed.
Still nothing coming, but the taste is starting to get to me now. The water in the watering can I drank accidentally when I was 7 was tastier than this.

16:02
First sign of effect. It's only a little, but it's started at least.

16:08 5th glass downed
My tummy is a bit upset, as in it is reacting. I feel it the most when I drink and stir the thing around in my tummy. But other than that I can't feel much. I'm peeing though, so it's going through the system.

I was expecting it to hurt a little in my gut or in my butt. I've taken rectal laxative before, and it was stinging and annoying and painful, but this I can only feel in the sense that it's a bit hard to close up if I try, even though nothing's coming.

But; as usual when I ingest something my tummy has swollen up.

16:13
I think I've discovered the fish buns.

I need to put restrains on myself to not chew on the sweet. I'm used to chew on everything I put in my mouth but this is bad for to reasons to chew on; if I swallow it in pieces it will interfere with the laxatives, and it's bad for the teeth.

16:19 6th glass downed
Now my tummy is starting to rumble! The first liter is done. 3 left to go, one more before my recess. But there's still not much activity... And my thighs hurt. Being too bony it's not good sitting this long on the toilet. It's hard only sitting in my bed nowadays.

I wonder why I got the idea I might be able to leave here just because I have a while's recess?

16:25
Now things are happening. It starts to hurt in my gut, then I spew a little. I'm waiting for the second round to be prepared.

And it's done. Now I just have to wait the last 2 min before I start over again.

I guess I can feel comfort in that it only hurts right before it spews out; that means that what's troubling me most likely is in the large intestine which is where they'll be checking. It's a bit strange that they'll check me from both ends, but they don't check the small intestine. What if my issues are in there? I don't want to go through it again.

16:28 7th glass downed
And I am having more activity. I am feeling that I don't want to go through this ever again. It's very straining. I am thinking about watching a movie or something, but I don't know... Maybe I should save it for later?

I've decided to split this into two separate entries; one for each session. I am most likely gonna be very tired after this; considering I was tired already when I woke up today.

Not eating isn't very hard for me; considering I have issues eating as it is. The bad part is that I am probably gonna be very weak tomorrow not eating well for several days, and then nothing for two days.

16:40 8th glass downed
It's starting to pace up and I am loosing a lot from my tummy each turn. I guess that's good. But my tummy is hurting. Especially when I'm swallowing.

I'm getting cold too. And my legs hurt. I have to hold myself up with my hands every now and then to ease the pain.

16:50 9th glass downed
Looks like I have two or three glasses left. Nothing new at this point. My thighs still hurt, the laxative is still disgusting and I'm still cold.

17:01 10th glass downed
It's becoming more of a routine now. To top it all of in irony twists; I just got a call from a person about a home party for sex toys. Sorry to say, but that's the last thing I'd like to think about now, though a butt-plug might seem appealing. So that I can leave this toilet and ease the pain in my thighs.

17:13 11th glass downed
The last glass for this session. Feels good to be done with half of it. It isn't as bad as I thought it would be, but it's still not exactly a day on the beach. I'm cold, I'm in pain from sitting down (haha, I'm weak) and I still have to sit here until I stop shitting, which could be a while. Whoopeee...

I'll sign in later to tell the story.

//XXX

Pharmaceutical trip

I had to go to the mall today to pick up some medication for my preparation for the hospital visit on tuesday. They have buses that goes every half an hour there straight from my bus stop, very handy. So I got on the bus over there and did my business fairly quickly. I went a quickie in to one of the big supermarkets and bought some tasty things to bring with me home. I missed the bus home by 2 min. Fine, next one is in 38 min. So I had a sausage and some soda, looked around in the stores, tried to overcome my disgust for the H&M store to check out a belt I actually thought was kinda nice, for decoration. Then I checked the time and went over to the bus. I ran into a friend of mine and exchanged a few words. I missed the bus with 2 min AGAIN. Tired of waiting I went on another bus that goes downtown before going home and wondered why I didn't take that one straight away, since the same kind of bus was waiting straight after the first bus I missed.

I do not like buses. I do not like anything you have to catch a time to and if you don't you're doomed. I'm not doomed taking these buses living in a city and all, but where I used to live it was more or less "If you miss this bus you will have to wait until tomorrow". Really annoying since the bus stop I used was hidden so you had to stand and wait for the bus out on the road or they'd pass by you not even looking because it isn't the most run down stop if you say so. And I'm not kidding; in summer there were only 2 buses a day; one away and one home. One each way.

So back to present; I am ready now! I'm gonna live on fluids until monday morning just to be sure everything goes fine. So I'm gonna have to go shop for a fluid drink diet tomorrow. Also I need to check up how I am gonna get there and how much it's gonna cost to bring Foxy along. I'm mire than likely going to be drugged once there since the examination is going to be very painful. Just the light version hurt so much I had to scream and cry. So going alone is not a good idea.

I hope this is going to tell what's wrong with my health. If they don't find anything... Then they will have to drive me to the psychiatric ward I'm afraid because I can't take the pressure of this mysterious illness. And those bastards does not even want to file me as ill in the official papers either. If I could work I would. Actually I want to work but I can't. I can't even go to school and study. I can barely go and shop by myself. And at any given time I can have a blood pressure fall and have to be lead/carried home.

Well.. enough misery for now.

G'night all.

Feelings

Well, I think I have too many of them. Maybe I'm something of an emo? I have no idea where some people get the image of me as a ice queen from.

I'm having some troubleome days, needless to say more.

More like a "note to self" kinda.

//XXX

Update!

I gave my blog a tiny facelift. It'll have to be like this until I feel like doing something different apart from this green theme...

I wish I had some kind of statistic thing on this blog, but it seems to be a bit sparse with that.

Now I'm off to bed.

G'ningt.

Vocaloid

Pic is not related; it's just today's piece of art.

I guess vocaloid is fairly famous by now and I think I've fallen in love with one series made with it. I don't know what it's called but the episodes are as following:
Daughter of Evil
Servant of Evil
Message of Regret
Re_Birthday

And it's the specific part "Servant of Evil" that I love especially much. I like this song the most both of a musical sense and the lyrical. But I guess the whole story is what makes the lyrics good, so you should watch them all to get why I like "Servant of Evil" so much.

There's an alternative version to "Servant of Evil" that is a cover alongside having a different video. I like this version and the video more, but I think they both are worth watching.

I will be singing it all day tomorrow.

G'night ya all.

Am I suffocating right?

Tummy blows up, tummy gets thin, tummy blows up, tummy gets thin. Tummy looks like 3 year on truck driver diet, tummy looks like that of an anorectic, tummy looks like it's 6 months pregnant, tummy looks like someone has disembowelled it. It's more than quiet painful. In the morning or if I haven't eaten for a while I have a tummy flatter than flat. No matter how much I try to push it out it won't go outside of the ribcage or even fill up to the hipbones. And then I only need to drink half a glass of water and the tummy blows up so big I have to suck it in to not breach the skin. When the tummy is thin it's angry and painful. Feels like I've been eating glass and then shit it out. The butt doesn't hurt; it's only the gut and stomach. Or as if I had a block of concrete passing through. When it's blown up it feels like I've been gobbling down acids. Buuuurn baby buuurn.

I went to see "Snabba Cash" in the cinema yesterday. It's a swedish movie. It was an OK movie, but I probably would have appreciated it more if I hadn't had a blood-pressure fall two thirds into it. I was about to faint I don't know how many times and I had to be lead out of the cinema by Foxy, and I threw up thrice once we got out (I was struggling to keep it in while in the cinema) and that tells a lot since I rarely throw up nowadays. I've trained hard to keep it down and the enlarged thyroid does it's part in not letting too much pass either up or down. We had to buy bus cards too. I probably looked like I was heavily drugged or drunk.

I have no idea how I would manage without Foxy. I try to imagine how I would have managed if I was alone. Either I'd probably have the bright idea to crawl out of there and pretend like I don't need any help, or I'd just sit there and fall asleep/faint and wait for someone to find me. Either way, it would have been a horrible experience and I highly doubt anyone would take me to the hospital because the times I've been like that in public I either get ignored like a HIV positive leprous alcoholic bum, or people make fun of me. They don't really get that I can't move, so I'm an easy target for "why are you hitting yourself? Quit hitting yourself" games.

At those times I can't help but to feel low in faith towards getting healthy. It's like noone even understands I'm ill. Now my blood-pressure that always have been fine goes down all the time and people react as if I just sneezed. Actually, I do that all the time, and I've been coughing since July and constantly gets small fevers. And one minute I'm hot, the next and most of the time I freezing like hell.

I'm not feeling good, and now more than ever I hate the question "how are you?" Because the answer is:
I'm hungry like hell, but I can't eat. My tummy hurts constantly and I'm running a small fever with belonging headache and head weary. I have a thirst I can't quench and my skin is cracking from dryness and I've scratched myself bloody. You're just lucky to not caught me when I have a blood-pressure fall; then I feel so bad I eventually can't move. This goes on daily. I'm FINE thank you.

The only thing I ever reply is "same old, same old" or "I'm fine thank you". People doesn't want to hear that I'm shitting blood and need a spewing bucket constantly around because I am always nauseas and I never know when I'll throw up next. I'm a wreck and eating is hell for me. Breathing is hell for me too because one part of the time my entire body hurts. Breathing is like being gassed, with the wrong type of gas.

I don't feel like an artist any more. In fact, I don't even feel human. I never felt very much like a normal human, but now the only humanity left in me is that I every time I am going to sleep think "I don't want to die!".